Monday
So, monday is my ceserean unless something happens this weekend. I am anxious and nervous and scared and excited... I'm starting to be a mess really I still fear this whole being a parent thing, with the role models I've had how do I think I'm going to handel this? I want so much for her and I am so scared that I won't be able to handel it or that I'm going to fuck her up! I need reassurance that I'm a good person and that I can do this.... Why is it that a few people from so long ago still make me doubt myself so much, I know that it's ludicris but I hate that my husband has lost friends by marrying me... I want our daughter to never have to experiance that hate.... but I am at a loss of how to fix it.... I want to know that I have changed.... I want to hear it from someone other than my husband (who has to say nice things by default) I need to know that I will be a good mother, even though the guilt of not raising my other child still lingers in my heart and mind.... I need to hear that I made the right choice before... and that my decision doesn't make me a bad person or incapable mother.... So many fears and so many doubts, I wish I felt more secure than the front I put forth.....