I feel as if I carry all the burden of the world
These past few days, well, all week actually, have been really rough on me. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm faltering, unable to stand on my own. I am under such incredible pressure right now, that I feel as if I am a rubberband that is being pulled on so hard that it is about to snap, never to be whole again. This first entry is just going to be used to relay a lot of what has been going through my head.
The first major thing is that I had a dear friend commit suicide last Tuesday night. It was really hard finding out about that because he was like another big brother to me, and then I had to go to an orchestra rehersal for school, which didn't help at all. He was so smart, funny, handsome, caring, willing to work hard, that I just can't understand it. I mean I tried to do that once, but his life had so much going for him when mine is basically nothing. I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that he will never pat me on the head and call me kiddo anymore.
I am also having problems with my grandparents. I have to be so much for them, but lately I have been failing. But I can't tell them any of this because I am afraid of their reaction or that I may just prove to be another mistake. I try so hard to do what they want me to and I want to live up to their expectations with all of my heart. As I grow older, the more it becomes apparent the huge differences that exist between what they want me to be and what I actually am. They want me to be a happy, successful person when all I am right now is broken.
School is also adding to my feelings of self-doubt and no self-worth. Everyone thinks that I am some smart person when I really only make good grades because I force myself to study so much that it has become an escape for me. The fact that it is an escape is also coming back to haunt me, because I can't take all the added pressure of graduation coming up and also AP tests. I have one tomorrow and should have studied this weekend and should be in bed right now, but I am just not in the right mind set to do so. Also, in my government class, we have had groups to do certain presentations all year long and it hasn't been so bad. Except for the fact that two of the people never do what they are supposed to and so I am just expected to pick up all the pieces. I would not do it everytime except that I need a good grade in the class for exemption.
I also have been feeling like such a hypocrite. I always talk about how I hate it when people use me, but I've been noticing that I use people as well. For instance, I have been using my best friend in order to eat and a few others for my happiness. I can't do that anymore, I have to make myself stop relying on people so much, even if they didn't notice that I was doing so.
I have also lost another friend today. I have been so emotionally messed up that I can't be the way I need to be. He said some things that I really did not need to hear and I know that he didn't mean to hurt me but it really stung. Here is the conversation: I am flavofweek and Dave is DamagedBumper.
DamagedBumper (9:48:02 PM): Hey
flavofweek (9:48:24 PM): hi, sorry I didn't get a change to email you... today has not been a good day either
DamagedBumper (9:48:38 PM): Awww
DamagedBumper (9:48:40 PM): why's that?
flavofweek (9:49:24 PM): a lot of stuff is happening right now and I'm under a ton of pressure to keep everything going smoothly while I'm dying inside
DamagedBumper (9:49:49 PM): what's goin on??
flavofweek (9:50:40 PM): well coping with the loss of someone who was like my brother, while keeping grades up with AP testing starting tomorrow, keeping my grandparents happy, carrying other people
flavofweek (9:51:23 PM): people's weight for school, worried about losing someone else and fighting to keep my head above the water is just too much for me right now
DamagedBumper (9:52:38 PM): Wow
DamagedBumper (9:52:44 PM): That sounds kinda harsh!
flavofweek (9:53:10 PM): um yea no kidding
DamagedBumper (9:54:22 PM): What's up with ur friend dyin?
flavofweek (9:54:52 PM): what kind of question is that?
DamagedBumper (9:56:18 PM): Well, why'd he die??
DamagedBumper (9:56:27 PM): What was involved
DamagedBumper (9:56:32 PM): if u don't mind me asking
flavofweek (9:57:18 PM): he committed suicide, he's gone I'll never see him again... he was so promising, but instead he'll never pat me on the head and call me kiddo again...
flavofweek (9:57:24 PM): I just
DamagedBumper (9:58:14 PM): Awww
DamagedBumper (9:58:16 PM): Man...
DamagedBumper (9:58:18 PM): I'm sorry
flavofweek (9:59:36 PM): I don't really want to talk about all the details right now
DamagedBumper (9:59:42 PM): Okay
DamagedBumper (9:59:43 PM): I'm sorry
flavofweek (10:00:02 PM): don't be sorry, there isn't anything anyone can do about it now
DamagedBumper (10:00:15 PM): Yea
DamagedBumper (10:00:18 PM): but sorry for you
flavofweek (10:01:21 PM): ...
DamagedBumper (10:01:53 PM): u lost a friend.. I feel bad for ya
DamagedBumper (10:02:06 PM): How u think u'll do on ur AP exam?
flavofweek (10:02:32 PM): I'll probably fail... I'm not in the right mind set for important testing right now
DamagedBumper (10:03:17 PM): Hey
DamagedBumper (10:03:29 PM): I'll tell ya everythin u need to know for that test
DamagedBumper (10:03:32 PM): English right
DamagedBumper (10:03:47 PM): Well, all u need to know is that shakespear is gay....
DamagedBumper (10:03:49 PM): :-)
DamagedBumper (10:03:56 PM): That'll get ya an A for sure!
DamagedBumper (10:03:58 PM): Hahaha
flavofweek (10:04:14 PM): GRRRRRRRRRRR
DamagedBumper (10:04:45 PM): Awww
DamagedBumper (10:04:54 PM): someone likes shakespear I take it!
DamagedBumper (10:04:55 PM): hahaha
flavofweek (10:05:05 PM): STOP LAUGHING
flavofweek (10:05:13 PM): it isn't funny
flavofweek (10:05:22 PM): you've really just ticked me off
DamagedBumper (10:05:40 PM): Why?? Sarah.. I was just kidding, about the whole thing
DamagedBumper (10:05:49 PM): that's one of the old jokes in my fam
flavofweek (10:06:03 PM): couldn't you tell by what I ahve been telling you that now is not a time for jokes
DamagedBumper (10:06:09 PM): and I wasn't laughin at u
flavofweek (10:06:28 PM): how the heck am I supposed to know over the comp
DamagedBumper (10:06:35 PM): Thought u might appreciate one right now
flavofweek (10:06:39 PM): oh yea
flavofweek (10:06:47 PM): insulting something I love will make me feel better
flavofweek (10:06:50 PM): give me a break
DamagedBumper (10:07:08 PM): Now who's bein rediculous....
DamagedBumper (10:07:18 PM): I'm freakin just tryin to lighten up ur spirits
DamagedBumper (10:07:26 PM): I freakin didn't know u like shakespear
DamagedBumper (10:07:39 PM): I didn't know u liked poetry or whatever..
flavofweek (10:07:42 PM): well you know, maybe some JESTER isn't something I need right now
DamagedBumper (10:07:55 PM): k
DamagedBumper (10:07:56 PM): whatever
flavofweek (10:08:55 PM): and maybe if you took the time to know me, not jsut my problems, this would be a healthier friendship but honestly right now.. I don't even want to bother
DamagedBumper (10:10:00 PM): Well Sarah...
DamagedBumper (10:10:07 PM): I ask u whats up
DamagedBumper (10:10:11 PM): and u never say anythin
flavofweek (10:10:13 PM): look don't explain
flavofweek (10:10:29 PM): I don't want to hear it right now, I'm bawling my eyes out
flavofweek (10:10:43 PM): I'm about ready to give up on a lot of stuff
flavofweek (10:10:49 PM): and then you come in making jokes
DamagedBumper (10:10:57 PM): I didn't know!
DamagedBumper (10:11:00 PM): I"m sorry!
DamagedBumper (10:11:07 PM): Freakin I dind't know!
flavofweek (10:11:19 PM): YOU DIDN'T KNOW
flavofweek (10:11:35 PM): I told you last night that my friend killed himself and you say you didn't know?
DamagedBumper (10:11:45 PM): I knew that ur friend killed himself
DamagedBumper (10:11:56 PM): but I didn't know that u wouldn't like a joke to cheer u up
DamagedBumper (10:12:06 PM): and I didn't know that the joke would be offensive
flavofweek (10:12:09 PM): if Dan killed himself would you want me joking?
DamagedBumper (10:12:10 PM): I'm sorry
DamagedBumper (10:12:16 PM): I ddin't mean to offend
DamagedBumper (10:12:52 PM): Taht's diff
DamagedBumper (10:12:55 PM): Dan's my brother
DamagedBumper (10:13:15 PM): And I know Dan
flavofweek (10:13:35 PM): look it was a freaking hypothetical situation
DamagedBumper (10:14:34 PM): Okay Sarah... It was a misunderstanding..
DamagedBumper (10:14:37 PM): I'm sorry okay
DamagedBumper (10:14:43 PM): I don't know what else to say
DamagedBumper (10:15:03 PM): What else do u want to talk about
DamagedBumper (10:15:08 PM): cuz we can either do that
DamagedBumper (10:15:26 PM): Or sit here and argue all night
DamagedBumper (10:15:35 PM): and I would much rather talk to u
DamagedBumper (10:15:40 PM): than argue with u
flavofweek (10:16:05 PM): I don't want to talk anymore... I don't think it will work
DamagedBumper (10:16:33 PM): what won't work?
flavofweek (10:16:45 PM): talking I just don't want to
DamagedBumper (10:16:58 PM): K
Now, for the one good thing that has been happening in my life. I recently decided to become a little more open and talk to a few people from the Church Board about what has been going on. Three people, Ryomakaze, Coyote Fire, and Psychosis have really been trying to help me. Ryomakaze, or Chris, has been helping me a lot by just talking to me and wanting to get to know me for ME, which is different. I am unsure how to react to this, since I haven't experienced genuine kindness in a long time.
I think that is all I want to say for the first entry. I hope by using this other journal that only select people will know about, I can get past some of the things that have been hurting me. What I have listed tonight isn't all of it, but it is enough for now.
The first major thing is that I had a dear friend commit suicide last Tuesday night. It was really hard finding out about that because he was like another big brother to me, and then I had to go to an orchestra rehersal for school, which didn't help at all. He was so smart, funny, handsome, caring, willing to work hard, that I just can't understand it. I mean I tried to do that once, but his life had so much going for him when mine is basically nothing. I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that he will never pat me on the head and call me kiddo anymore.
I am also having problems with my grandparents. I have to be so much for them, but lately I have been failing. But I can't tell them any of this because I am afraid of their reaction or that I may just prove to be another mistake. I try so hard to do what they want me to and I want to live up to their expectations with all of my heart. As I grow older, the more it becomes apparent the huge differences that exist between what they want me to be and what I actually am. They want me to be a happy, successful person when all I am right now is broken.
School is also adding to my feelings of self-doubt and no self-worth. Everyone thinks that I am some smart person when I really only make good grades because I force myself to study so much that it has become an escape for me. The fact that it is an escape is also coming back to haunt me, because I can't take all the added pressure of graduation coming up and also AP tests. I have one tomorrow and should have studied this weekend and should be in bed right now, but I am just not in the right mind set to do so. Also, in my government class, we have had groups to do certain presentations all year long and it hasn't been so bad. Except for the fact that two of the people never do what they are supposed to and so I am just expected to pick up all the pieces. I would not do it everytime except that I need a good grade in the class for exemption.
I also have been feeling like such a hypocrite. I always talk about how I hate it when people use me, but I've been noticing that I use people as well. For instance, I have been using my best friend in order to eat and a few others for my happiness. I can't do that anymore, I have to make myself stop relying on people so much, even if they didn't notice that I was doing so.
I have also lost another friend today. I have been so emotionally messed up that I can't be the way I need to be. He said some things that I really did not need to hear and I know that he didn't mean to hurt me but it really stung. Here is the conversation: I am flavofweek and Dave is DamagedBumper.
DamagedBumper (9:48:02 PM): Hey
flavofweek (9:48:24 PM): hi, sorry I didn't get a change to email you... today has not been a good day either
DamagedBumper (9:48:38 PM): Awww
DamagedBumper (9:48:40 PM): why's that?
flavofweek (9:49:24 PM): a lot of stuff is happening right now and I'm under a ton of pressure to keep everything going smoothly while I'm dying inside
DamagedBumper (9:49:49 PM): what's goin on??
flavofweek (9:50:40 PM): well coping with the loss of someone who was like my brother, while keeping grades up with AP testing starting tomorrow, keeping my grandparents happy, carrying other people
flavofweek (9:51:23 PM): people's weight for school, worried about losing someone else and fighting to keep my head above the water is just too much for me right now
DamagedBumper (9:52:38 PM): Wow
DamagedBumper (9:52:44 PM): That sounds kinda harsh!
flavofweek (9:53:10 PM): um yea no kidding
DamagedBumper (9:54:22 PM): What's up with ur friend dyin?
flavofweek (9:54:52 PM): what kind of question is that?
DamagedBumper (9:56:18 PM): Well, why'd he die??
DamagedBumper (9:56:27 PM): What was involved
DamagedBumper (9:56:32 PM): if u don't mind me asking
flavofweek (9:57:18 PM): he committed suicide, he's gone I'll never see him again... he was so promising, but instead he'll never pat me on the head and call me kiddo again...
flavofweek (9:57:24 PM): I just
DamagedBumper (9:58:14 PM): Awww
DamagedBumper (9:58:16 PM): Man...
DamagedBumper (9:58:18 PM): I'm sorry
flavofweek (9:59:36 PM): I don't really want to talk about all the details right now
DamagedBumper (9:59:42 PM): Okay
DamagedBumper (9:59:43 PM): I'm sorry
flavofweek (10:00:02 PM): don't be sorry, there isn't anything anyone can do about it now
DamagedBumper (10:00:15 PM): Yea
DamagedBumper (10:00:18 PM): but sorry for you
flavofweek (10:01:21 PM): ...
DamagedBumper (10:01:53 PM): u lost a friend.. I feel bad for ya
DamagedBumper (10:02:06 PM): How u think u'll do on ur AP exam?
flavofweek (10:02:32 PM): I'll probably fail... I'm not in the right mind set for important testing right now
DamagedBumper (10:03:17 PM): Hey
DamagedBumper (10:03:29 PM): I'll tell ya everythin u need to know for that test
DamagedBumper (10:03:32 PM): English right
DamagedBumper (10:03:47 PM): Well, all u need to know is that shakespear is gay....
DamagedBumper (10:03:49 PM): :-)
DamagedBumper (10:03:56 PM): That'll get ya an A for sure!
DamagedBumper (10:03:58 PM): Hahaha
flavofweek (10:04:14 PM): GRRRRRRRRRRR
DamagedBumper (10:04:45 PM): Awww
DamagedBumper (10:04:54 PM): someone likes shakespear I take it!
DamagedBumper (10:04:55 PM): hahaha
flavofweek (10:05:05 PM): STOP LAUGHING
flavofweek (10:05:13 PM): it isn't funny
flavofweek (10:05:22 PM): you've really just ticked me off
DamagedBumper (10:05:40 PM): Why?? Sarah.. I was just kidding, about the whole thing
DamagedBumper (10:05:49 PM): that's one of the old jokes in my fam
flavofweek (10:06:03 PM): couldn't you tell by what I ahve been telling you that now is not a time for jokes
DamagedBumper (10:06:09 PM): and I wasn't laughin at u
flavofweek (10:06:28 PM): how the heck am I supposed to know over the comp
DamagedBumper (10:06:35 PM): Thought u might appreciate one right now
flavofweek (10:06:39 PM): oh yea
flavofweek (10:06:47 PM): insulting something I love will make me feel better
flavofweek (10:06:50 PM): give me a break
DamagedBumper (10:07:08 PM): Now who's bein rediculous....
DamagedBumper (10:07:18 PM): I'm freakin just tryin to lighten up ur spirits
DamagedBumper (10:07:26 PM): I freakin didn't know u like shakespear
DamagedBumper (10:07:39 PM): I didn't know u liked poetry or whatever..
flavofweek (10:07:42 PM): well you know, maybe some JESTER isn't something I need right now
DamagedBumper (10:07:55 PM): k
DamagedBumper (10:07:56 PM): whatever
flavofweek (10:08:55 PM): and maybe if you took the time to know me, not jsut my problems, this would be a healthier friendship but honestly right now.. I don't even want to bother
DamagedBumper (10:10:00 PM): Well Sarah...
DamagedBumper (10:10:07 PM): I ask u whats up
DamagedBumper (10:10:11 PM): and u never say anythin
flavofweek (10:10:13 PM): look don't explain
flavofweek (10:10:29 PM): I don't want to hear it right now, I'm bawling my eyes out
flavofweek (10:10:43 PM): I'm about ready to give up on a lot of stuff
flavofweek (10:10:49 PM): and then you come in making jokes
DamagedBumper (10:10:57 PM): I didn't know!
DamagedBumper (10:11:00 PM): I"m sorry!
DamagedBumper (10:11:07 PM): Freakin I dind't know!
flavofweek (10:11:19 PM): YOU DIDN'T KNOW
flavofweek (10:11:35 PM): I told you last night that my friend killed himself and you say you didn't know?
DamagedBumper (10:11:45 PM): I knew that ur friend killed himself
DamagedBumper (10:11:56 PM): but I didn't know that u wouldn't like a joke to cheer u up
DamagedBumper (10:12:06 PM): and I didn't know that the joke would be offensive
flavofweek (10:12:09 PM): if Dan killed himself would you want me joking?
DamagedBumper (10:12:10 PM): I'm sorry
DamagedBumper (10:12:16 PM): I ddin't mean to offend
DamagedBumper (10:12:52 PM): Taht's diff
DamagedBumper (10:12:55 PM): Dan's my brother
DamagedBumper (10:13:15 PM): And I know Dan
flavofweek (10:13:35 PM): look it was a freaking hypothetical situation
DamagedBumper (10:14:34 PM): Okay Sarah... It was a misunderstanding..
DamagedBumper (10:14:37 PM): I'm sorry okay
DamagedBumper (10:14:43 PM): I don't know what else to say
DamagedBumper (10:15:03 PM): What else do u want to talk about
DamagedBumper (10:15:08 PM): cuz we can either do that
DamagedBumper (10:15:26 PM): Or sit here and argue all night
DamagedBumper (10:15:35 PM): and I would much rather talk to u
DamagedBumper (10:15:40 PM): than argue with u
flavofweek (10:16:05 PM): I don't want to talk anymore... I don't think it will work
DamagedBumper (10:16:33 PM): what won't work?
flavofweek (10:16:45 PM): talking I just don't want to
DamagedBumper (10:16:58 PM): K
Now, for the one good thing that has been happening in my life. I recently decided to become a little more open and talk to a few people from the Church Board about what has been going on. Three people, Ryomakaze, Coyote Fire, and Psychosis have really been trying to help me. Ryomakaze, or Chris, has been helping me a lot by just talking to me and wanting to get to know me for ME, which is different. I am unsure how to react to this, since I haven't experienced genuine kindness in a long time.
I think that is all I want to say for the first entry. I hope by using this other journal that only select people will know about, I can get past some of the things that have been hurting me. What I have listed tonight isn't all of it, but it is enough for now.