Misunderstandings 2
It continues.
JB vs. the monks
Phooka vs. Chase
Spot the Princess Bride ref!
“Jack Spicer! Your new comrades will not aide you in your quest to steal Shen-Gong-Wu!” Omi cried.
“Hey, that made sense; good going, Omi,” Raimundo cut in.
“So very observant,” Jack retorted, lying in a pile where JB had dropped him. “Yeah, I’m totally going to raid the vault paralyzed, in my pajamas, with my one friend and my new bodyguard. Ya got me.”
Matty knelt down by Jack and pulled him into a less uncomfortable position.
“What th’ hell’s a Shai-Gon-Hu?” JB muttered out of the corner of her mouth.
“A set of magical weapons made long ago by an ancient master who sounds like a used car salesman. If two warriors fight over one it can trigger a Xiaolin Showdown, which bends reality around the contest proposed,” Jack answered.
“Ask a stupid question . . .”
“New friends?! Puh-LEASE!” Kimiko sneered. “You just got around to making some robots that didn’t look exactly like you, Jack!”
“Yeah, no kidding!” Rai cried, delighted. “Robots are the only ones who can stand to be around Jack Spicer!”
“Robots?” Matty muttered, looking confused.
“That’s not true!” Jack wailed, leaning against Matthias. “You take that back!”
“Oh come on! It’s obvious!” Kimiko thrust an accusatory finger at Johnny Betty. “Nobody but a guy would make a chick robot with such unnatural proportions!”
The dark-haired girl’s eyebrows made a break for her hairline.
”Uh . . . . ain’t Jack gay?” Clay asked in a low voice. “If he made a hot robot, wouldn’t it be a guy?”
“So he’s bi-sexual!” Kim snapped. “That’s the only reason for that walking masturbatory aide!”
Matty and Jack cringed against each other.
“Cover my eyes!” The goth pleaded. “I can’t watch!”
“They seem to be missing their token black guy, so I’ll fill in,” Matty muttered. “Oh no, she di’int!”
In a streak of earth tones, Johnny Betty flashed forward, took a step past Kimiko, grabbed the slight Japanese girl by the head and heaved her skyward.
“Normally I don’t condone beatin’ li’l kids, but I’ll make an exception!” JB howled. “I don’t wanna hear nothin’ about ‘unnatural proportions’ from you, ya little squirt! Ya ain’t even got breasts yet!”
“Crest of the Condor! Bla-“ Rai’s cry cut off as JB flipped over backwards, caught his sword arm between her lower legs, then continued flipping, dragging the Dragon of the Wind along with her.
She ended up kneeling awkwardly with Raimundo’s arms trapped between her lower legs and his body curled around her knees.
“Them are those magical weapons, ain’t they?” JB asked. “You were going to use ‘em on an unarmed woman, weren’t ya, ya little shit?”
“Kaijin Charm! Shimo Staff!”
JB rocked back, rolling up onto her feet. The movement rocked Raimundo back with her and was just enough to pitch him up onto her shin. She kicked upwards, throwing him into the air just in time to receive a smashing blow from the Shimo Staff.
“O-Omi . . .” Rai wheezed.
“Oh, I am sorry, Raimundo,” Omi said. “I did not expect our Shoku leader to be stapled so easily by a warm hen!”
“’Getting pasted!’” Rai corrected instinctively. “I’m ‘getting pasted by a hot chick!’ I mean - no I’m not!”
Jack leaned back against Matty and watched his bodyguard brawl.
“Geez . . . she’s kind of . . . good at this,” the goth observed. Then his head flopped forward bonelessly. Matty put a hand on Jack’s forehead and lifted his head back into an upright position. “Thank you,” Jack said.
“You’re welcome. What do you mean, ‘she’s good at this’? Isn’t that why you hired her? ‘Cause she’s good at fighting?” Matty asked.
“Uuuuuuuuuh, sort of,” Jack said, watching Rai get kicked around like a football. “There’s ‘good at fighting’ and then there’s ‘not even blinking about going unarmed against trained warriors wielding magic weapons.’ She cut off Rai before he could finish activating his ‘Wu. I think she’s done this kind of thing before.”
“Ya reckon?” Clay drawled.
Jack and Matty looked up at the enormous cowboy, the goth by Matty’s hand steering his head.
“Don’t hurt me!” Jack whimpered. “I’m helpless and weak!”
“Yeah, we’re non-combatants!” Matthias added.
Clay sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Cat’s Eye Draco!!! Arrow -“
Kimiko’s enraged shriek was cut short as JB honed in on the shout, tore a decorative gong from its chains and skimmed it through the air like a Frisbee. Kimiko dodged out of the way even as the giant disc sheered through a set of eight-hundred-year old columns.
“Wudai Fire Mars!”
Now it was JB’s turned to dance and dodge the flames shot at her.
“For your information, you over-endowed cow, my breasts may not be big, but I have them and my nipples could cut glass!” Kim shrieked.
“Oh damn!” Clay wailed, blushing and turning away. “I don’t need t’ hear that!”
JB dove sideways into the pond that held the robot alligators, wallowing briefly in the mud and muck.
“Uh . . . why aren’t you in there fighting, Brokeback?” Matthias asked.
Clay gave him a dark look.
“I don’t fight girls,” he stated calmly.
“Good excuse,” Jack said with a sly grin. “I wouldn’t want my friends seeing me getting my ass kicked by a girl.”
“It ain’t escaped my notice that she ain’t no ordinary girl,” Clay growled, watching JB leap from the mud and dodge Arrow Sparrows. “Is she a robot? Or a witch or a demon or something?”
Kimiko aimed a flaming punch at JB and stopped when her flames sizzled uselessly against the thick coating of mud the taller girl had accumulated.
“I’ve taken hotter showers,” JB declared, then kicked Kim squarely in the stomach, sending her careening into Rai and Omi.
“Nothing for it, then,” Clay growled, straightening his hat.
The Dragon of the Earth flashed forward and tackled Johnny Betty, locking his arms around her middle from behind.
“I don’t hit girls,” he informed her. “But a -“
The blond Texan didn’t get to explain himself further. JB twisted like a cat in his grip and managed to kick up over her own head to clock Clay on the head with her shin. Not a lot of force could be put into such a move, but when you can bench-press a bulldozer, it didn’t take much. The Dragon of the Earth, imbued with more than ordinary strength himself, staggered from the blow. Then, he felt JB twist again and the leg that had been extended up over her head swept down and around and up in between-
Clay slammed his knees together just in time to prevent JB’s heel from doing severe damage to the Bailey family jewels.
“Oh, nice save!” Matty called.
“Holy shit, if JB kicked you in the balls I think they’d pop,” Jack declared.
Clay went a little green at the mental image that comment brought up, but he realized he was still hanging onto a pissed-off, super-strong warrior that fought smart and dirty.
He realized this just in time for JB to jerk her head back sharply and break his nose.
Clay lost his grip on the mud-slicked woman and staggered back.
JB snorted and tossed a grime-encrusted plait over her shoulder.
“And you was supposed to be safe here? Feh.”
“Holy Mu! What happened to you kids?!” A new voice cried.
Johnny Betty looked down at her feet. She saw the long, undulating green body coil across her boots and then she didn’t think much anymore, because the shape of the creature at her feet reached into her hindbrain and flipped a switch marked: ‘Primal Terror’.
“Suh-suh-SNAKE!!!!!” she screamed.
Jack and Matty and the monks alike watched in disbelief as the triumphant warrior did a brief little dance of fear and then climbed the nearest high object, which happened to be Clay.
The Dragon of the Earth, still clutching his face in pain, staggered and went down in a heap. JB abandoned him to the reptilian terror and scaled a Fu dog statue instead.
Dojo looked over his shoulders, searching for the snake. When none was apparent, he pointed to himself.
“A snake? Who, me?”
“Somebody kill it!” Johnny Betty squealed.
“She hands the Xiaolin Warriors their own asses, but she’s scared of the fucking dragon. That’s . . . that’s just so ME,” Jack sighed.
“I am not a snake!” Dojo said indignantly, slithering forward. “Do snakes talk?! Do they have arms?”
“She’s frightened of Dojo?” Omi asked, coming forward.
“If she’s scared of Dojo, just wait until I get a hold of her!” Kimiko snarled, her arms still tightly wrapped around her stomach.
“Easy, killer,” Rai said, steadying her. “Maybe you should wait until you can stand up straight before you kick her ass.”
JB was doing her little terror dance again; knees and elbows locked in as far as humanly possible, while she hopped from one foot to the other in a desperate attempt to not be touching the ground. She really shouldn’t have been doing it on top of a statue, for she lost her footing with her wet, slick-soled boots and toppled off of the Fu dog. She was back on her feet instantly, searching for Dojo.
“Do snakes have manes? Or horns?” the shrunken dragon asked, slithering forward.
The dark-haired girl plastered herself against the nearest wall while her shoulder blades made a spirited attempt to dig through the wall.
Clay wiped blood from his nose and reached out a hand to the dragon.
“Dojo; hold up. That’s enough.”
“What?!” Dojo snapped.
“Well . . . you’re makin’ her cry,” the big cowboy pointed out.
Sure enough, tears were streaming down Johnny Betty’s cheeks, dragging dried dirt and mud in streaming rivulets towards her chin.
“Yeah. Uh, so what?” Rai asked.
“Oh ho, she cries at the very sight of Dojo; yes! Such a cowardly female is truly worthy of being Jack Spicer’s bodyguard!” Omi chortled.
“It’s easy to talk big when you aren’t getting your ass handed to you,” Jack called. In a more normal voice, he sighed roughly. “I find the one super-powered ass-kicker with acute ophiophobia. I swear, Matty, if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any.”
“I think she has a cute backside,” Omi offered.
“Acute ophiophobia,” Clay correctly sternly. “That’s a severe fear of snakes!”
“I am not a snake!” Dojo howled, shaking his little fists. “Do snakes grow up to be big, terrible Temple dragons?!”
That being said, Dojo assumed his large form, blowing a few jets of flame for good measure as he reared high above the humans’ head.
Johnny Betty stared up at the midnight terror above her and her eyes rolled back in her head. Like a puppet with it’s strings cut, the tall warrior collapsed in a dead faint.
~~~~~~~
“Your love for the boy has turned you stupid, Chase Young,” Phooka mocked, plastered up in a high corner of the room, his tentacles spread out and clinging to the rock.
Chase growled hatefully and prowled forward.
“Not just ‘giving his safety all priority’ stupid, but ‘plain stupid’ stupid. You assault me instead of the one you wish to attack and him you wish to attack for no reason,” the water goblin continued.
“The filthy little human stole from me!” Chase roared.
“Stole what? Your intelligence?”
The dragon roared in rage and lunged for the kelpie, who scuttled out to the middle of the ceiling while Chase crashed gracelessly against the wall. Phooka rested comfortably against the ceiling, nearly human formed but for his horns and tentacles. Knees bent so that his soles were flat on the ceiling, Phooka watched Chase chuff and snort and blow in frustration before homing in on him again.
“Why do you believe Jack was stolen from you?” The kelpie asked.
“I saw him in bed with your wretched little Master!” Chase roared.
“You saw him in bed. And you smelled sex?” Phooka prompted.
Chase paused.
“Arousal, then? The desire to fuck? You smelled that in your bedchambers?” the water horse asked. “Or did you simply smell two young men blowing off some energy? Wrestling and struggling with each other as even non-warriors do?”
The awkward pause was answer enough.
“Ass,” Phooka sneered smugly. “You have so little trust in Jack you believe he has strayed little more than a month after accepting your proposal?”
“And I suppose,” Chase growled, sitting in the middle of the floor like a dejected dog. “That you trust your Matthias so much you don’t worry for him to be discovered in the bed of another?”
Phooka considered this for a moment.
“It is . . . very strange,” he admitted. “But I do. He . . . he doesn’t make wishes.”
Being Bound, Phooka was little more than a magic machine for whatever his mortal master wished. Genie or kelpie; there was no practical difference between them.
“He doesn’t make wishes. He wishes for me; to have me. For himself to be mine and me to be his.” The water-fairy fell silent for a minute as he considered this. “Should that frighten me?”
“’Frighten you’?” Chase echoed. “You are afraid of Matthias keeping you for the rest of his life?”
“No,” Phooka corrected. “I am afraid that I won’t be able to live up to his trust. That one day I will fail him. That I will break his heart.”
“Such a thing shouldn’t frighten you,” Chase stated, but there was something in his tone that said he sympathized.
“It should not, but it does.”
For a long, long while the two immortals rested in silence, reflecting on the holds their respective lovers had on their hearts and minds and how very strange and terrible and wonderful it all was.
“I think, perhaps we should take a night and a day and think on the impact these two silly mortal youths have had on us,” Chase stated.
Phooka hung down from the ceiling; pulling his tentacles towards each other to lower himself neatly to the floor.
“I think that’s a very wise decision. Got any beer in this place?”
~~~~~~~~
“Jack Spicer, your constant mishaps of the magical kind never stops astonishing me! You truly are a most pathetic creature!” Omi declared.
Matty glared at the round-headed monk.
“I can’t wait until JB wakes up so you have to start watching your mouth again,” the blonde said.
Jack snorted from his sleeping pallet.
The monks had taken them inside after the two pretty youths had begged and cried and Matty had offered sex acts to the older boys.
Clay had fetched a spare sleeping pallet for Jack and set it up in the common room, where those that could move relaxed with tea and sweet buns.
“No joke,” Jack groused. “Has she woken up yet? Has anyone checked?”
“Kimiko goes out and kicks her in the stomach every couple of minutes,” Raimundo announced.
“She does what?” Clay wailed.
Matthias leaned towards Jack.
“These are the good guys? Are you sure?” he asked in a stage whisper.
Before anyone could comment, there was a wail from outside and Kimiko flew by the open door at roughly head height. Johnny Betty staggered into view rubbing her sore stomach. Seeing everyone sitting around the table, she strolled in.
“What’d I miss? We’re havin’ tea with the bad guys?”
“They’re the good guys!” Matty hissed in the same stage whisper.
“Coulda fooled me,” JB groused, rubbing her stomach.
“Hey! We don’t have to take this from some chick who faints at the sight of dragons!” Rai snapped.
JB rounded on him, growling.
“No! Down! Bad girl!” Jack yelled.
As Matty snickered, JB turned back to her prone employer.
“Heel! Roll over! Sit, Boo Boo, sit!” the goth continued.
Johnny Betty strolled over to him and leaned forward until her long braids brushed the floor by his head.
“Speak! . . . uh . . . . My mouth is writing checks my body can’t cash, isn’t it?”
“Jack, honey,” the dark haired girl said with surprising gentleness. “You are hell and gone from writing checks your body can’t cash.”
Jack did his most pitiful whimper. JB sighed and went to sit by his head.
“Relax; I ain’t gonna kill ya. You owe me money.”
“There’s a motive for altruism you can trust!” Matty declared.
“We allowed Jack and his questionably gendered friend to stay because it would be dishonorable to throw out two such pathetic creatures!” Omi declared. “You being awake makes things complicated.”
”Yeah, now that you’re up, we can kick them both back out!” Raimundo declared.
“Guys?” Clay nodded towards the still-open door.
A raven perched on a tree branch just outside the door, an envelope clutched in its beak.
When it was certain it had their attention, it flitted in and landed on the table. Picking its way around in the funny, flat-footed waddle that birds had, it spied Jack lying on the sleep pallet and hopped down to place the envelope on the ground before him. The raven paused to give the Xiaolin monks a burning stare, then flew away.
“That was one of Chase Young’s ravens!” Raimundo cried.
“It brought Jack a letter? What’s it say, evil partner?” Clay asked.
Jack sighed as he stared at the white parchment a few inches from his nose.
“Gee, I don’t know; let me read it by osmosis. Could someone lay it against my forehead?”
JB solved the issue by picking it up and opening it. Her brown eyes skimmed the sheet momentarily, then she leaned towards Jack, holding the letter open in front of his face.
“You’re gonna have t’ be th’ one t’ read it, Jack; I can’t.”
Clay drew in a sharp breath.
“Ya can’t read? Oh, li’l darlin’; that’s why ya ended up evil, ain’t it? Ya just never knew any better! We can teach ya t’ read an’ then th’ sky’s the limit for ya!” The big hearted cowboy offered.
“Chinese,” JB stressed. “I can’t read Chinese, jackass.”
“Wow, what a seriously asshole thing to assume she couldn’t read, period,” Matty declared.
“No fuckin’ joke,” JB growled.
Clay blushed hotly, but rallied.
“I - I was just tryin’ t’ figure out what would turn a nice Texas girl evil, that’s all!” He blurted.
“Ask your little sister, she oughta know,” Jack stated.
“Oooooooooooooooooo, BURN!” Rai howled.
Even Omi started laughing hysterically. Clay lurched to his feet, his cheeks burning with shame, and strode out the door.
“Did we miss something?” Matty asked.
“Must be an inside joke,” JB surmised.
“Cowpuke’s little sister is the leader of an all-girl biker gang,” Jack informed them. “Oh . . . . Chase cares!”
“When he’s not trying to kill you?” Johnny Betty prompted.
“He says he was upset seeing me rough house with Matty and he wants us to stay put until he calms down. Oh, he loves me!”
“When he’s not trying to kill you?” JB repeated.
“Does it say anything about Phooka?” Matty asked.
“He’s going to stay with Chase and make sure he doesn’t do anything . . . . . well, it says ‘hasty’ but it looks like someone tried to scribble in the character for ‘stupid’.”
“He wants you to stay put?” Raimundo echoed. “Chase wants you to stay here?!”
“Looks like it. Ha! Looks like you’re stuck with us, Xiaolin loser!” Jack cried.
JB looked at the elegantly written letter and sighed.
“There’s no way we could convince him you ended up in Vegas?”