Writer's Block
I'm gonna make this one a quick one, one that I might expand on a bit later. It's just been something that's been bothering me lately.
I've been struggling to write fics for a while. The last one I wrote started in August of 2015 as a way for me to cope with my senior year of college. It's Rumbelle (Rumpelstiltskin/Belle from Once Upon a Time), and it's an AU where Belle is also in her senior year of college, only things take a turn for the worst because of her abusive relationship.
(A lot of my stories have abusive relationships in them. Victims of it, survivors of it.... Weird how that stuff kind of follows you everywhere, huh?)
Anyway, it hasn't been updated since October 2017. It's not that I've run out of ideas from it. I'm actually on the penultimate chapter before the epilogue. I know exactly how I want it to go, too. It's just...other things have kept me away from it.
Back in 2017, after Jamie and I got married (before we moved into the house), I was gifted with a blessed opportunity. A friend of mine was desperate for someone to be able to take care of her youngest son, who was one year at the time, and she knew how much I wanted kids. So I took him in. And I fell in love with him instantly.
We thought he'd be with us for years, so I treated him like my son despite it being temporary custody (verbal agreement, not written).
But it only lasted for three and a half weeks.
The day I uploaded the most current chapter was the same day he had to go home. And I was...beyond devastated, to say the least.
I've since been able to see him, talk with him, watch him grow. He's my Sour-Patch Kid, my nephew. I love him beyond words. He was my first venture into parenthood, and I loved every second of it.
People think I'm crazy...but I crave the chaos. I miss it. Despite not liking it, I got super used to him waking me up at 7 in the morning because he was hungry. I loved how he would snuggle himself against me and let out a *sigh* of contentment. I didn't particularly enjoy the temper tantrums, but I got used to handling them. And I also got to experience the dreaded sleep training, where I taught him to stay in his own bed at night and that everything would be okay.
That was the worst, but it worked.
I think the main reason I haven't gone back to that fanfic is because I don't want to inadvertently transport myself back into that year. I have a strange habit of not being able to separate past from present. It's not in the form of delusions or anything. Just...emotions. So if I ignore it, maybe I won't have to feel those things anymore.
In theory.
Only that method of doing things was what I was trained to do by my family, and Jamie says it's not entirely healthy. He believes there are times when we need to acknowledge what makes us uncomfortable. He's right, and I absolutely HATE it.
I've had other fic ideas recently. I just...don't know how to start them. If I can start them. I haven't picked up a pen to write for pleasure in almost exactly four years. The thought of it seems foreign.
Maybe one day I'll get the urge to push through this writer's block. I just...don't know how soon it'll happen.
I'll probably be back tonight to jot thoughts about work. If not, I'll definitely be back tomorrow.
-Sable