Old Habits Die Hard
A lot has happened within the past four years of my life. I entered college in one of the best schools in Louisiana, met the love of my life, and am on my way to getting a degree in the one thing I love more than anything in the world: child development.
The last time I was on this website, I was studying Vocal Music Education. I wanted to be the greatest high school choir director the world has ever seen. Unfortunately, my shyness got in the way of that dream. I was dropped from my major within the first year. After many months of wallowing in self-pity (well, it was probably just two, but my brain registered it as longer), I finally found myself in the office of one Mrs. Weaver, who practically BEGGED for me to join the Family and Consumer Sciences major and sign onto the concentration of Child Development. This change took a lot to get used to, but I've found that this is the right path for me. I love infants and toddlers more than anything in the world, and I've always noticed that children gravitated towards me. People say it's because of my great personality, but I have my doubts.
Doubting myself has been a habit for years. I've noticed my many mannerisms, and I cringe at everyone of them both inwardly and outwardly. Yet they've been so ingrained in my head that I can't bring myself to break free. A few people have probably called me stuck-up because I won't look them in the eye when I walk past. I've had one person tell me that I looked like I was better than them.
In reality, I've always believed the opposite. I don't consider my presence worthy of another's. So I hang my head low, avert my eyes, and scurry as fast as I can, berating myself for not being quick enough.
I wear a lot of loose clothing--most of them being shirts. They're very unflattering, but I feel comfortable in them. I can hide behind my insecurity and "know" how worthless I am. For many years, I've considered myself as worth than dirt, as a monster. For many years, I've walked into clothing departments and could picture others sneering at me and thinking, She doesn't deserve this. I've recovered from that...sort of. I'm more open to casual clothes that don't make me look like a slob, but I won't touch anything more than that.
Old habits die hard. I want to break the mold, yet it gets hard when it's something I've lived with every day since I was six years old. I want to be able to look others in the eye instead of making an excuse about how "I have to watch where I'm stepping". I want to be able to look at my own face in the mirror without grimacing in horror.
Where do I start?
Well...I think it all begins with the thought process. It takes forever for the mind to be trained and break these old habits of mine, but I need to focus on it. It's the only way I'm going to be happy with myself.
On the other hand, I could always think the way I do about physical self and the space I take up on this planet, yet brighten up when someone calls me because they need me. They need my opinion, they need me to help them out of a bind, they need a sounding board. For some odd reason, that makes me really happy about myself...but only my personality.
That's a start, though. I used to think I was the worst person in the world, too cruel to be considered a friend even though I've had many friends for the past ten years. But at least it's a start.
The last time I was on this website, I was studying Vocal Music Education. I wanted to be the greatest high school choir director the world has ever seen. Unfortunately, my shyness got in the way of that dream. I was dropped from my major within the first year. After many months of wallowing in self-pity (well, it was probably just two, but my brain registered it as longer), I finally found myself in the office of one Mrs. Weaver, who practically BEGGED for me to join the Family and Consumer Sciences major and sign onto the concentration of Child Development. This change took a lot to get used to, but I've found that this is the right path for me. I love infants and toddlers more than anything in the world, and I've always noticed that children gravitated towards me. People say it's because of my great personality, but I have my doubts.
Doubting myself has been a habit for years. I've noticed my many mannerisms, and I cringe at everyone of them both inwardly and outwardly. Yet they've been so ingrained in my head that I can't bring myself to break free. A few people have probably called me stuck-up because I won't look them in the eye when I walk past. I've had one person tell me that I looked like I was better than them.
In reality, I've always believed the opposite. I don't consider my presence worthy of another's. So I hang my head low, avert my eyes, and scurry as fast as I can, berating myself for not being quick enough.
I wear a lot of loose clothing--most of them being shirts. They're very unflattering, but I feel comfortable in them. I can hide behind my insecurity and "know" how worthless I am. For many years, I've considered myself as worth than dirt, as a monster. For many years, I've walked into clothing departments and could picture others sneering at me and thinking, She doesn't deserve this. I've recovered from that...sort of. I'm more open to casual clothes that don't make me look like a slob, but I won't touch anything more than that.
Old habits die hard. I want to break the mold, yet it gets hard when it's something I've lived with every day since I was six years old. I want to be able to look others in the eye instead of making an excuse about how "I have to watch where I'm stepping". I want to be able to look at my own face in the mirror without grimacing in horror.
Where do I start?
Well...I think it all begins with the thought process. It takes forever for the mind to be trained and break these old habits of mine, but I need to focus on it. It's the only way I'm going to be happy with myself.
On the other hand, I could always think the way I do about physical self and the space I take up on this planet, yet brighten up when someone calls me because they need me. They need my opinion, they need me to help them out of a bind, they need a sounding board. For some odd reason, that makes me really happy about myself...but only my personality.
That's a start, though. I used to think I was the worst person in the world, too cruel to be considered a friend even though I've had many friends for the past ten years. But at least it's a start.