Say Good-Bye
Okay, I know I complained about Mrs. V about a year ago, but she really wasn't all that bad. If anything, she acted like a teenager most of the time even though she's forty. I was actually kind of cool...if you wanted to relate to an old person.
I had to say good-bye to about four of my friends back in May: two I see at church, two I might never see again. I've known Kristina and Laurin ever since my freshman year, and I've known Heather and Tim since...well, I got to actually KNOW them this past school year.
I've looked up to Kristina ever since the beginning of freshman year. It was one of those strange situations where you want to be like someone, yet you loathe the fact that they're better than you. Back in October, I was actually able to tell her that I respected her, and I'm not really all that great with confessions most of the time. I'm the type of person who'd rather keep everything to herself, yet when you get close to me...the secrets come pouring out.
And I mean POURING out!
It was a week before senior graduation--an entire week--and we were at a church to do our final choir concert. It was Kristina, Laurin, David, and me in a little group to ourselves, talking about pretty much everything that's considered small-talk. I opened up a lot that night, trying to be a part of them even though I kept hearing that same lie whispering in my head. The same lie that's always telling me that I'll never be a part of them because I'm lower than them. Kristina and Laurin are seniors, David's a junior...I'm just a sophomore. But I put that aside for just a few hours, talked to them as though I've been doing it for a long time.
I got my letterman jacket that night, and I remember literally jumping over to Kristina and telling her, "Hey, look! I'm a Mini-You!" She just laughed at me, didn't tell me how much of a moron I sounded, but it was right then and there that I realized two things.
One: We were friends.
Two: She was leaving next week, and I might never be able to get to say "good-bye."
Which goes to my theory of how I can't ever get close to anybody, because they'll only go away the next minute.
I actually DID get to say good-bye, though. It was that Friday when the choir seniors grouped back in the choir room to practice the National Anthem for graduation the next Monday. The moment I stepped into the building just to be in class like I was supposed to (because I'm not a big fan of skipping--go ahead and call me a wimp!), I just smiled at the people I knew who would be leaving later on. But my role model and friend--who had been talking on the phone at the time--actually stopped in the middle of her conversation and greeted me with a heart-felt, "Hey, Sable!"
Small things like that mean a lot to me. If you could take time out of your day and say something like that and mean it with your heart...it'll make my day. It happens around Regan and Daniel--who STILL haven't met each other, though I'm grateful in a way.... They say things that might hurt me sometimes, like jokes about my double-digit weight or about me being a goody-two-shoes. But they'll just say things like "I love you" (Daniel) or "Hello, Lizard" (Regan). Don't ask about the nickname, it's a long story.
But Kristina was about to leave when I finally got the nerve to stop her and--using that life-long habit of tugging on my earlobe when I'm nervous--told her that I was going to miss her. That after all this time, I found out that we were friends. And I even mentioned a burden that's been on my chest for three days straight: I thought that I had to replace her.
Mrs. V sometimes made comments that she didn't want her alto section leader to go. Making jokes that she could make her fail all of her classes, holding her back another year. It made me feel like I didn't matter, that nothing I did mattered. And it brought me back to another theory I had that stated that no matter how hard you try, you'll ALWAYS find ten thousand people who can do it better than you, so why even try?
I told her about the words that Mrs. V used too many times during the school year, about how she could try holding Kristina back. And all she did was smile and shake her head. Didn't say anything about it.... But she DID tell me that I didn't have to worry about anything. Since I was going to be a junior this coming school year, that gave me two more years to do what I needed to. And I needed to SING OUT.
I told her I didn't know if I was going to make it to graduation or not. And I was telling the truth. I thought that this would be my only time to let everything out. And I felt so much better afterwards.
Truth is, I went to graduation that Monday night. Hopped a fence just to give her one final hug.
Yes, I said it. I...HOPPED A FENCE!!!
The next week, I ended up doing things that I've wanted to do, yet never had the courage TO do. I sang karaoke (horribly) at Regan's sixteenth birthday party (which Daniel didn't go to...). And I asked Mrs. V to help me out with Small Ensemble and whatnot during the next school year. And I used the same explanation to myself and to my choir director: It's what Kristina would have wanted me to do.
Kirra was in a beauty pageant in October 2007, but didn't place anything. But she did it just to get rid of part of her stage fright since she's going to be a Broadway actress. Mrs. V had given her two dresses for her to keep, then looked at me and said with a huge smile, "You're next!"
At first, I replied with, "No, I'm not!" But now I'm willing to change my answer. I might not want to go through the agonizing ordeal of a beauty pageant, but I'd do anything else to be as good as my role model, to have someone look at me and say, "I want to be like her."
I can't do this on my own, I know. That's why I've got God to help me out. He's got to keep me on track, He's got to tell me to pick out the music ("Dance, Fairest Maiden, Dance"), He's got to tell me to do what I need to do to finally face my fears and LIVE.
At least now I can say that I trust Him with this.
-Sable