Fight or Rest? You Call the Shots!
The feeling has come back. The mixture of depression, anger, and burning darkness. Sounds poetic, sounds morbid. But it's the truth. I felt this way last year, before I talked to Mrs. Tambra. I don't want to go through it again, because that means hiding things. Keeping secrets from my best friend and my family. Acting like everything is okay when it really isn't.
I was acting "immature" again. I was indecisive, that's what I mean to say. Stupid reason, I know. I don't want to go into it. All I can say is that I started crying again. And no matter how many times my parents told me to "straighten up" or I told myself to "calm down", it made things worse. It was so bad that I told myself that I wasn't going to trust anybody ever again. I wasn't going to go to Regan for advise; I wasn't going to talk to my parents because they'd get onto me; I was only going to talk to God, and it didn't matter how many people he put in my life, I wasn't going to spill my guts to them.
I was going to fight harder than ever before. I wasn't going to rest, even for a moment. Just like Episode 96 of Naruto last night (amazing how I keep up with this, I'm obsessed!), when Tsunade had broken the chakra seal and was fighting Orochimaru (sorry if there aren't any anime fans reading this; it's hard to go into detail). Tsunade kept saying that she wasn't going to rest, not even for just a quick second. She couldn't afford to stop fighting; if she did, everything would fall apart.
Then I remembered what Shizune had told Tsunade in Episode 93: "Breakdown! The Deal is Off!"
"You don't have to do everything by yourself, you know."
Sometimes it feels like I have to, though. I can't run. I can't stop fighting. I have to learn how to do everything by myself. I have to learn that not everybody is going to rescue me in my times of trouble, so why even bother?
But that's where I messed up last time.
I didn't trust my parents with the key parts of my life, how I had been literally ripping my mind to shreds because of all those times when I felt like I had to hide EVERYTHING from them.
I didn't trust Regan with my fear, what I had been thinking of doing for months, knowing that she had to know, but didn't want to tell her because I thought I had to do it alone. And because I didn't want her to worry. What are friends for?
So what do I do? Fight or rest? Do I keep going towards what my inner demon is saying? Or do I just...what? I don't know what to do, but I'll try my best.
-Sable
I was acting "immature" again. I was indecisive, that's what I mean to say. Stupid reason, I know. I don't want to go into it. All I can say is that I started crying again. And no matter how many times my parents told me to "straighten up" or I told myself to "calm down", it made things worse. It was so bad that I told myself that I wasn't going to trust anybody ever again. I wasn't going to go to Regan for advise; I wasn't going to talk to my parents because they'd get onto me; I was only going to talk to God, and it didn't matter how many people he put in my life, I wasn't going to spill my guts to them.
I was going to fight harder than ever before. I wasn't going to rest, even for a moment. Just like Episode 96 of Naruto last night (amazing how I keep up with this, I'm obsessed!), when Tsunade had broken the chakra seal and was fighting Orochimaru (sorry if there aren't any anime fans reading this; it's hard to go into detail). Tsunade kept saying that she wasn't going to rest, not even for just a quick second. She couldn't afford to stop fighting; if she did, everything would fall apart.
Then I remembered what Shizune had told Tsunade in Episode 93: "Breakdown! The Deal is Off!"
"You don't have to do everything by yourself, you know."
Sometimes it feels like I have to, though. I can't run. I can't stop fighting. I have to learn how to do everything by myself. I have to learn that not everybody is going to rescue me in my times of trouble, so why even bother?
But that's where I messed up last time.
I didn't trust my parents with the key parts of my life, how I had been literally ripping my mind to shreds because of all those times when I felt like I had to hide EVERYTHING from them.
I didn't trust Regan with my fear, what I had been thinking of doing for months, knowing that she had to know, but didn't want to tell her because I thought I had to do it alone. And because I didn't want her to worry. What are friends for?
So what do I do? Fight or rest? Do I keep going towards what my inner demon is saying? Or do I just...what? I don't know what to do, but I'll try my best.
-Sable