(no subject)
there are some things that i cannot change & i know this. i know i don't deserve the possibilities that have been handed to me & i seem to destroy everything beautiful along my way of becoming one who helps create a war fighting for compassion and understanding. there's something wrong with our thought process & we're dying beneath the weight of our sins.
this flame rises & falls with the atmosphere, and i seem to be enveloped between the heat and discovering what all this truly means to me. i've been down this road so many times, but never do i take the right one. helplessness & this feeling of longing to be held in a way in which my fears flee from my bloodstream.
i'm drifting in and out again from this conscious state & this haze is captivating. i feel so trapped under these layers of security. is this what content is? can i reach out more than i have been? i have all these secrets, yet no one to pry them away from me. i want intensity that burns like it's neverending & i want this to change from what it is. i feel their hands around my throat, slowly tightening their grip on my life. i am controlled. i am controlled and i hate it. i feel like cutting off these strings to see if that was the only thing holding us together.
i find myself replaying your voice during the days i'm forbidden to hear it.
this forward progression through times & all its elements seems to be haunting me. miracles can only work if you have faith in them & at the current point i'm shaking my head no, with all of the energy i have stored up from the past week. while lying in bed, thoughts seem to overflow like my life has some sort of importance to it. i like to think that i'm not completely destroying myself & this is not the end. i know that we have second chances but you've had three of them & i'm too burnt out to put any amount of effort into a fourth.
this letdown seems to be overpowering everything i once thought about myself & these mysteries you insist on keeping to yourself are tearing out my veins. i can feel myself screaming from your torture but i've become so numb to your touch that it feels like nothing at all.
sometimes you just have to forfeit the game to win anything at all. and that's what i'm doing.