Sometimes, I Wish it Would be Over....
With the way this semester has been going, I am desperately wishing for this final year at Lycoming to be over so that I can be out on my own. Deep down, I know I am nowhere near prepared or ready to be out in the real world, but right now, being defenseless in the real world sounds so much more appealing than staying here another day.
I now have not been in a mainstage production for a year and a half. I honestly don't know why I bother. Some of the people who "sympathize" with me in the Theatre Department only do because their positions are secure. They are the ones getting parts and I...I am left in the background, running the concession stand for Alpha Psi Omega. Don't get me wrong...I love being in Alpha Psi...but there are just times I feel down on my self, and I wonder if I am good for anything but being devoted to the things that are handed to me. So far this semester, I have been forced to become sharply aware of how incapable I am defending myself or standing up to say something...to cause conflict to show that no one can walk all over me. I want to with such a passion that I can feel it in my breast...and yet, I am so damned agreeable that I can't bring myself to fully defend myself. I back down and shy away...the only time I can defend myself is if I have people standing with me.
I am unhappy with where I am living this year. Last year, CAS was a lot of fun untl it came time for the floor to vote on new officers. When I heard who was elected President, I knew that things were going to go downhill. There had been a rift before on the floor, but our previous president had been able to smooth things over and people, generally, got along. This year, I hate spending any more time than I have to on the floor. Of course, this means I end up missing a lot of fun. But I don't want to deal with at least two or three people on the floor that are making it a living hell. The President is on a power trip that is so bad that she is making decisions and demands of us without consulting us first. She gets so stressed out or angry when certain alumni come back that she takes it out on the rest of us (and I have received some of this too without doing anything to anger her). It has been a building issue and has escalated to the meeting that the floor is having tonight. I am sure I will be writing a rather lengthy entry about what went on at that meeting. I just have this feeling of impending doom, which is also building in my chest. Of all the things that could be stressing me this semester, my living situation is stressing me out the most. And that irritates me more than anything else. Don't get me wrong...I love my roommate...she is amazing! But the presidency is terrible, and I want her out of her office.
I am also unhappy with a prick who lives on the floor. He is so sexist and self-righteous that he is waiting for a punch in the face from me. He has said things like "the best kind of woman is the one who is gone before you wake up." He treats me with such disdain as he does with all women. And the worst part is that he gets away with his snobbery! I hate him so much for being so intolerant, especially since he has accused me of being intolerant based on my religious beliefs. He thinks that since I'm Catholic, I don't listen to certain types of music or have a fondness for fantastical things. Actually, I listen to plenty of Celtic Music, and I have fairy posters on my wall! It really made me angry that just because I said I was Catholic that he automatically branded me as intolerant and close-minded. I don't think I have ever said anything or done anything that would indicate that I have a problem with anyone who doesn't believe what I believe. I just think that (WARNING: Psych content ahead!) that he is using projection. He doesn't want to see himself as a close-minded, intolerant idiot, so he acts like I'm the idiot and therefore, he feels better about himself. Every time I hear him speak, I am overcome with such intense feelings of dislike that I have to leave before I do something I regret. Last time a woman spoke out against him, he pulled a sword on her. I'm not kidding! And that frightens me.
Well, I must finish up some homework. I'm sure another entry will follow this one very soon.
Ari
I now have not been in a mainstage production for a year and a half. I honestly don't know why I bother. Some of the people who "sympathize" with me in the Theatre Department only do because their positions are secure. They are the ones getting parts and I...I am left in the background, running the concession stand for Alpha Psi Omega. Don't get me wrong...I love being in Alpha Psi...but there are just times I feel down on my self, and I wonder if I am good for anything but being devoted to the things that are handed to me. So far this semester, I have been forced to become sharply aware of how incapable I am defending myself or standing up to say something...to cause conflict to show that no one can walk all over me. I want to with such a passion that I can feel it in my breast...and yet, I am so damned agreeable that I can't bring myself to fully defend myself. I back down and shy away...the only time I can defend myself is if I have people standing with me.
I am unhappy with where I am living this year. Last year, CAS was a lot of fun untl it came time for the floor to vote on new officers. When I heard who was elected President, I knew that things were going to go downhill. There had been a rift before on the floor, but our previous president had been able to smooth things over and people, generally, got along. This year, I hate spending any more time than I have to on the floor. Of course, this means I end up missing a lot of fun. But I don't want to deal with at least two or three people on the floor that are making it a living hell. The President is on a power trip that is so bad that she is making decisions and demands of us without consulting us first. She gets so stressed out or angry when certain alumni come back that she takes it out on the rest of us (and I have received some of this too without doing anything to anger her). It has been a building issue and has escalated to the meeting that the floor is having tonight. I am sure I will be writing a rather lengthy entry about what went on at that meeting. I just have this feeling of impending doom, which is also building in my chest. Of all the things that could be stressing me this semester, my living situation is stressing me out the most. And that irritates me more than anything else. Don't get me wrong...I love my roommate...she is amazing! But the presidency is terrible, and I want her out of her office.
I am also unhappy with a prick who lives on the floor. He is so sexist and self-righteous that he is waiting for a punch in the face from me. He has said things like "the best kind of woman is the one who is gone before you wake up." He treats me with such disdain as he does with all women. And the worst part is that he gets away with his snobbery! I hate him so much for being so intolerant, especially since he has accused me of being intolerant based on my religious beliefs. He thinks that since I'm Catholic, I don't listen to certain types of music or have a fondness for fantastical things. Actually, I listen to plenty of Celtic Music, and I have fairy posters on my wall! It really made me angry that just because I said I was Catholic that he automatically branded me as intolerant and close-minded. I don't think I have ever said anything or done anything that would indicate that I have a problem with anyone who doesn't believe what I believe. I just think that (WARNING: Psych content ahead!) that he is using projection. He doesn't want to see himself as a close-minded, intolerant idiot, so he acts like I'm the idiot and therefore, he feels better about himself. Every time I hear him speak, I am overcome with such intense feelings of dislike that I have to leave before I do something I regret. Last time a woman spoke out against him, he pulled a sword on her. I'm not kidding! And that frightens me.
Well, I must finish up some homework. I'm sure another entry will follow this one very soon.
Ari