As it is, as it shall be . . .
I had this big huge post typed out last night, but I was trying to edit something I was gonna throw up on here when teh 'rentals started screaming at me, so I had to go and not finish it 'cause I wanted to go home last night.
So.
( Long Updately Rant Thing, Rawr )
So.
( Long Updately Rant Thing, Rawr )
so I looked over all that, and my first thought was, what? I mean, all the .. stuff. And what's worse is that I don't really know what's going on, but I keep getting left behind in this whole thing so every time I read a new post I'm horribly confused. I want to try and help and fix things, but what do I do? I love you, Jess. I know I've said that in another context, but hell, it's still true and always will be no matter how I mean it. For I don't know how many years of my life you were my best friend and sister, and so many other things, and yeah, I miss that, because I'll be damned if I couldn't tell you anything and share everything in the world with you - even if it was about you. I can't do that with anybody else I know. Maybe it's that I don't dare. I don't know, but it doesn't matter.
What matters to me right now is you. I don't know what's wrong with you and something in the back of my head is screaming that you're dying and every day that passes sees that thin silver link fade a little more than it already has. Every stab to you, even if I know i'm just reading it and I know I'm not seeing all the story and finding all of it out, I still hurt for you. I hurt because I don't know what's going on, and I'll be damned if I don't miss you despite all the confusion and the problems and things we probably said to each other at some point that were cruel - I don't even remember now. Which makes me think more and more that this stupid high school 'oh my god we're changing now what do we do' off-and-on battle that we've been throwing back and forth. Why? I stare at my phone hoping you'll call me because your mom spent years making me afraid of calling your house to try and find you. I don't know what's going on anymore, all I know is that I want to help you but I don't know how. I want to talk to you and see you again, and sit down with you and find out about all the stuff that's been going on and maybe I can find a way to help you - even if I can't, at least I can listen, right? I have a car. It has plenty of gas in it. Tell me where you are, I'll be there.
Maybe this time I won't fuck it up, eh?
CALL ME. I'll be watching my phone all night.
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