Alone in a crowd
I'm tired to that poin of almost unconsiousness, so ignore this lame post and the bad spelling/grammer/typos that I'm too tired too look for or even really care about at this point. I just felt like musing, and this isn't a bad place to do it. So.
I hate that feeling you get when you're sitting somewhere and are with friends or a bunch of people or something, and for no real reason at all, you feel so fucking horribly alone that you think you might just curl up in a little ball of misery and die. I'm sort of feeling like that right now, and it really makes no sense 'cuase Steve and Nicole are about five feet away on the couch, doing one of those incredibly lame (not to mention really annoying and somewhat neglectful of the other person) text comversations and I was just sitting on the couch about to pass the fuck out from tiredness. I shouldn't feel like this, yet I do, and it makes me wonder. It reminds me of school or various times when hanging out with friends. This feeling forced me to make myself talk to people, even if I really didn't want to, just so I wouldn't feel so alone and ignored. I'd do that now, but my brain isn't working well enough to establish a topic of conversation. Besides, they seem engrossed enough in their little textathon, and I do hate interuptin gpeople when they're talking. 'Cause it is rude. I dunno.
I've been moody today, I guess, 'cause I've been tired and I've just been . . . well, yeah, moody. I can't put my finger on it, or else I'd babble about the whys and wherefors, but honestly, that's just oo much effort right now. I've just been feeling really sorfta despairish, and I don't know if that has to do with all this lifestress shit or what. I go from happy to sad to pissed the fuck off to so damn depressed in two seconds. I'm honestly confusing myself.
I need to stop being jealous. Just stop, utterly and completely. What's the point? Getting mad solves nothing, anger rarely does. And when I get mad, I blame only one party, which honestly isn't fair, but it's hard to be mad at her. Jealousy is instinct, though. It just happens to be Steve who gets the brunt of it, at least for the most part, 'cause he's generally the "instigator" or whatever you want to call it. I can't help but get fucking roiling inside when I see him touching her. Unfounded? Unfocused? I don't know. Do I have the right to be jealous? He liked her first, but I ended up with her. Is it fair for me to be mad at him for only harmles flirting? No. It's not the flirting that bothers me. He can say all he wants, that's fine. It's the touching and clinging and taking pictures of her ass all the fucking time. Yet still I wonder.
Now they're off in another room talking. The nosy part of me wants to know what they're talking about, but really, I don't care. Subject is not importance. Yes it is, what am I thinking? Is she not talking to me 'cause she's got a problem with me? Or am I just paranoid?
Am I being too clingy here? I don't know where the bounds of my attatchment lie; they haven't been discussed, and i don't know how to discuss them. I feel like a jackass asking if she wants me to ride with her or Steve, but then she asks what I want. What do you think I want, silly question indeed. I'd spend every second I could with her, that's not the point. I'm overly emotional, as I've stated far too many times before. And I'm clingy and posessive as fuck. Actually, I was posessive before, with Whitney, but now I'm moreso. I think the whitney thing made me want to be more clingy out of a sort of fear. Or something. I'm sot of just throwing concepts around.
Am I mad? I don't know if I'm mad. Like I said, shifting emotions. I don't have anything to be mad about at the moment. I don't have anything to be upset about, or sad about. I have a damn good reason to be happy, though; I'm about to crawl into bed with a woman I love. shouldn't that shoo away this aura of . . . stuff? ARgh. I'm giving up on trying to explain this. Confused.
I really think all of this is just stemming from me being way too tired. It's not like Ihad a bad day or people are being jackasses or wahtever. The only problem is me and my damn thinking about everything and taking things all perseonal, when I totally shouldn't. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or is thinking that something is wrong with me just more of what's wrong with me? Wow. That doesn't make a damn fucking lick of sense.
Yeah. Fuck this. Imma go cuddle my lovely and sleep and I'm really thinking I'm going to feel just fine and dandy tomorrow. Stupid ungrounded and irrational feelings and thingings and all that.
Nighty.
I hate that feeling you get when you're sitting somewhere and are with friends or a bunch of people or something, and for no real reason at all, you feel so fucking horribly alone that you think you might just curl up in a little ball of misery and die. I'm sort of feeling like that right now, and it really makes no sense 'cuase Steve and Nicole are about five feet away on the couch, doing one of those incredibly lame (not to mention really annoying and somewhat neglectful of the other person) text comversations and I was just sitting on the couch about to pass the fuck out from tiredness. I shouldn't feel like this, yet I do, and it makes me wonder. It reminds me of school or various times when hanging out with friends. This feeling forced me to make myself talk to people, even if I really didn't want to, just so I wouldn't feel so alone and ignored. I'd do that now, but my brain isn't working well enough to establish a topic of conversation. Besides, they seem engrossed enough in their little textathon, and I do hate interuptin gpeople when they're talking. 'Cause it is rude. I dunno.
I've been moody today, I guess, 'cause I've been tired and I've just been . . . well, yeah, moody. I can't put my finger on it, or else I'd babble about the whys and wherefors, but honestly, that's just oo much effort right now. I've just been feeling really sorfta despairish, and I don't know if that has to do with all this lifestress shit or what. I go from happy to sad to pissed the fuck off to so damn depressed in two seconds. I'm honestly confusing myself.
I need to stop being jealous. Just stop, utterly and completely. What's the point? Getting mad solves nothing, anger rarely does. And when I get mad, I blame only one party, which honestly isn't fair, but it's hard to be mad at her. Jealousy is instinct, though. It just happens to be Steve who gets the brunt of it, at least for the most part, 'cause he's generally the "instigator" or whatever you want to call it. I can't help but get fucking roiling inside when I see him touching her. Unfounded? Unfocused? I don't know. Do I have the right to be jealous? He liked her first, but I ended up with her. Is it fair for me to be mad at him for only harmles flirting? No. It's not the flirting that bothers me. He can say all he wants, that's fine. It's the touching and clinging and taking pictures of her ass all the fucking time. Yet still I wonder.
Now they're off in another room talking. The nosy part of me wants to know what they're talking about, but really, I don't care. Subject is not importance. Yes it is, what am I thinking? Is she not talking to me 'cause she's got a problem with me? Or am I just paranoid?
Am I being too clingy here? I don't know where the bounds of my attatchment lie; they haven't been discussed, and i don't know how to discuss them. I feel like a jackass asking if she wants me to ride with her or Steve, but then she asks what I want. What do you think I want, silly question indeed. I'd spend every second I could with her, that's not the point. I'm overly emotional, as I've stated far too many times before. And I'm clingy and posessive as fuck. Actually, I was posessive before, with Whitney, but now I'm moreso. I think the whitney thing made me want to be more clingy out of a sort of fear. Or something. I'm sot of just throwing concepts around.
Am I mad? I don't know if I'm mad. Like I said, shifting emotions. I don't have anything to be mad about at the moment. I don't have anything to be upset about, or sad about. I have a damn good reason to be happy, though; I'm about to crawl into bed with a woman I love. shouldn't that shoo away this aura of . . . stuff? ARgh. I'm giving up on trying to explain this. Confused.
I really think all of this is just stemming from me being way too tired. It's not like Ihad a bad day or people are being jackasses or wahtever. The only problem is me and my damn thinking about everything and taking things all perseonal, when I totally shouldn't. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or is thinking that something is wrong with me just more of what's wrong with me? Wow. That doesn't make a damn fucking lick of sense.
Yeah. Fuck this. Imma go cuddle my lovely and sleep and I'm really thinking I'm going to feel just fine and dandy tomorrow. Stupid ungrounded and irrational feelings and thingings and all that.
Nighty.