New Fic: Metallicar Ain't Got Nothin' on Mac
Title: Metallicar Aint’ Got Nothin’ on Mac
Author: Saberivojo
Characters: Cowboy!Dean, Cowboy!Sam, Horse!Mac
Genre: Crack. Crackiest Crack
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothin. I’m wondering if I should even put my name on this one.
Summary: This is all pkwench ’s fault. Her prompt at OhSam community.livejournal.com/ohsam/2859.html was this: Old West!chesters - It's no secret that Sam doesn't have as good of a seat on a horse as Dean does. Dean might as well have been born on a horse. And, okay, so maybe Sam was hour three into the hangover from hell when Dean decided that they needed to tear out of that whore house like it was on fire, but that still doesn't really mean that it's Dean's fault that Sam's giant horse tossed him into that little cactus. Okay, okay, so, it was a huge cactus, but it's still not Dean's fault and he IS picking all of the spines out of Sam's back. And his head. And his neck. And maybe the one or two on his ass. And that's just got to count for something, right?
Not betaed. Not sure anyone would even try.
Dean woulda blamed it on Sam. The kid could never hold his whiskey. Oh, he liked to think he could but it just wasn’t true.
Now Sam, he woulda blamed it on Dean. ‘Cause Dean was randier than two year old colt. Put Dean anywhere in the vicinity of pussy and the boy just couldn’t control himself.
Mac though, Mac blamed it on the fact that Sam just plain couldn’t ride worth shit. And seeing as how Mac was a big old quarter horse stallion, he knew from riding. So when he saw Dean run down the steps of the cat house, clutching his pants and carrying his boots in the other hand, Mac kind of knew it was gonna be a fast getaway.
Mac watched as Dean shoved open the doors to the saloon yellin’ for his brother to move his ass.
Sam did, to his credit, and Mac figured it was Dean’s state of undress that got the fire goin’ on. Sam staggered out of the bar and made a stumbling effort to climb on Howard. Howard pinned an ear in Sam’s direction, cause Sam was a big ass and hanging off of Howard like he was put the big gelding in a pissy mood.
Dean vaulted onto Mac and Mac being the understanding horse that he was, he just naturally took off at a gallop, leaving poor Howard and Sam to follow as best they could.
Mac loved to run so, Dean’s pants blowing behind him didn’t matter much, neither did Dean’s scramble to try and lean down and shove his boots on while Mac was running at top speed. But Dean was like an Injun and hanging off Mac while Mac was pounding his way out of town was not all that hard for Dean to do.
Mac kept it up. Damn it was fun to run. He jumped a gully and hit the other side. Horses can’t really grin, but Mac was doing his best. Mac heard Howard pounding behind him, heard him jump the gully too. Mac thought that Howard was a mighty fine horse to try and jump that damn gully with that big ass Sam on his back. For a horse with no balls, Howard had a lot of heart.
Mac heard Sam fall. Even running full out like he was there was no way not to hear that howl as the boy hit the ground. Mac was already sliding to a stop before Dean touched the reins, six feet of dust flying up as he sat on his hocks.
“Sammy!” Dean spun Mac around, as if Mac didn’t already know they were headin’ back to check on young Sammy.
Howard stood blowin’ hard not ten feet away from where Sam had landed. Smack dab in the middle of a cactus plant.
Now Mac was a smart horse, he had a run in as a yearling with one of those damn things and wanted no part of getting to close to it, but Dean was insistent so Mac moved in a little closer.
Dean slid off Mac’s back even faster than when he got on, shoving his other foot in the other boot as he ran over to his brother. Still wearing nothin’ but his union suit and boots. And a hat. Lord knows, Dean would not be caught without his hat on.
“Well, hell, Sam.”
Sam moaned and groaned which to Mac’s thought was a good thing, at least the dumb ass was breathin’. Lucky for Sam he had to have been drunker than all get out to take a fall like that and not break anything.
Dean leaned down and grabbed his brother by the hand, hauling him up to a stand. “You okay, Sam?” Sam wobbled like a new born foal, shook his head once or twice and then commenced to hollerin’
“SHIT, SHIT, SHIT”
“Hold still, Sammy. I can’t see what we got here unless you hold still.”
Mac blew softly. His Dean was a smart boy.
Dean spun Sam around and sure enough, the boy had more prickly spines on his ass than one of those porcypines. Mac tipped his ears forward; this should be kind of interesting. Even Howard watched. And Howard wasn’t the smartest horse to ever look through a bridle.
Dean walked over to Mac and grabbed the pliers out of his saddlebag. They were handy to have a long for fixin’ fences or maybe taking cactus out of little brothers.
“Hold still, Sam.” Dean grabbed his brother and drug him over to a piece of rock that was almost where that damn gully was and pulled his brother over his lap. Mac’s momma told him of Dean’s pa whoopin’ Dean in the barn much like Dean was doin’ to Sam. Except Mac didn’t recollect anything about pullin’ out cactus spikes when his momma told him the story.
But the hollerin? That seemed to be something Mac remembered.
“Damn it, Dean. Watch what the hell you are doin’! “ Sam had quite a set a lungs on him.
“Well, Sam - if ya just learned to ride like a real boy, instead of dickin’ around maybe we wouldn’t be in this fix.”
“We aren’t in any fix, Dean, I am the one with a fuckin’ fix. I am sitting here with an ass full of…. owe, you diggin’ for gold back here? What the…OWE”
“Shaddup, Sam. You’re makin’ me twitchy here.”
“I’m makin’ YOU twitchy? You’re the one with the big ass pliers and about as much tact as that damn hooker you were with. Which, by the way, is the real reason we are here.”
“She wasn’t a hooker Sam, if you must know. If she’da been a hooker I wouldna been runnin’ from her Daddy now would I?”
“Well, how the hell was I to know. OW! DAMN IT DEAN, THAT’S MY ASS YOUR RIPPIN’UP” Sam howled again and Dean just adjusted his leg a bit to find his target a little easier.
Mac watched as Dean pulled spine after spine out of Sam’s ass.
Sam and Dean could keep the jawin’ up for hours. It wasn’t quite as interesting as the cactus removal. In fact, Howard had stopped watching and was standing, hip cocked and bottom lip kind of hanging like he might just be droppin’ off to sleep. Well that was Howard for ya.
So in the end, Sam climbed back on Howard, riding quite a bit more tentatively than Mac had ever seen and Dean managed to drag his jeans on and climb back up on Mac.
They headed to the next town at a more sedate pace than the one they just left.
Author: Saberivojo
Characters: Cowboy!Dean, Cowboy!Sam, Horse!Mac
Genre: Crack. Crackiest Crack
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothin. I’m wondering if I should even put my name on this one.
Summary: This is all pkwench ’s fault. Her prompt at OhSam community.livejournal.com/ohsam/2859.html was this: Old West!chesters - It's no secret that Sam doesn't have as good of a seat on a horse as Dean does. Dean might as well have been born on a horse. And, okay, so maybe Sam was hour three into the hangover from hell when Dean decided that they needed to tear out of that whore house like it was on fire, but that still doesn't really mean that it's Dean's fault that Sam's giant horse tossed him into that little cactus. Okay, okay, so, it was a huge cactus, but it's still not Dean's fault and he IS picking all of the spines out of Sam's back. And his head. And his neck. And maybe the one or two on his ass. And that's just got to count for something, right?
Not betaed. Not sure anyone would even try.
Dean woulda blamed it on Sam. The kid could never hold his whiskey. Oh, he liked to think he could but it just wasn’t true.
Now Sam, he woulda blamed it on Dean. ‘Cause Dean was randier than two year old colt. Put Dean anywhere in the vicinity of pussy and the boy just couldn’t control himself.
Mac though, Mac blamed it on the fact that Sam just plain couldn’t ride worth shit. And seeing as how Mac was a big old quarter horse stallion, he knew from riding. So when he saw Dean run down the steps of the cat house, clutching his pants and carrying his boots in the other hand, Mac kind of knew it was gonna be a fast getaway.
Mac watched as Dean shoved open the doors to the saloon yellin’ for his brother to move his ass.
Sam did, to his credit, and Mac figured it was Dean’s state of undress that got the fire goin’ on. Sam staggered out of the bar and made a stumbling effort to climb on Howard. Howard pinned an ear in Sam’s direction, cause Sam was a big ass and hanging off of Howard like he was put the big gelding in a pissy mood.
Dean vaulted onto Mac and Mac being the understanding horse that he was, he just naturally took off at a gallop, leaving poor Howard and Sam to follow as best they could.
Mac loved to run so, Dean’s pants blowing behind him didn’t matter much, neither did Dean’s scramble to try and lean down and shove his boots on while Mac was running at top speed. But Dean was like an Injun and hanging off Mac while Mac was pounding his way out of town was not all that hard for Dean to do.
Mac kept it up. Damn it was fun to run. He jumped a gully and hit the other side. Horses can’t really grin, but Mac was doing his best. Mac heard Howard pounding behind him, heard him jump the gully too. Mac thought that Howard was a mighty fine horse to try and jump that damn gully with that big ass Sam on his back. For a horse with no balls, Howard had a lot of heart.
Mac heard Sam fall. Even running full out like he was there was no way not to hear that howl as the boy hit the ground. Mac was already sliding to a stop before Dean touched the reins, six feet of dust flying up as he sat on his hocks.
“Sammy!” Dean spun Mac around, as if Mac didn’t already know they were headin’ back to check on young Sammy.
Howard stood blowin’ hard not ten feet away from where Sam had landed. Smack dab in the middle of a cactus plant.
Now Mac was a smart horse, he had a run in as a yearling with one of those damn things and wanted no part of getting to close to it, but Dean was insistent so Mac moved in a little closer.
Dean slid off Mac’s back even faster than when he got on, shoving his other foot in the other boot as he ran over to his brother. Still wearing nothin’ but his union suit and boots. And a hat. Lord knows, Dean would not be caught without his hat on.
“Well, hell, Sam.”
Sam moaned and groaned which to Mac’s thought was a good thing, at least the dumb ass was breathin’. Lucky for Sam he had to have been drunker than all get out to take a fall like that and not break anything.
Dean leaned down and grabbed his brother by the hand, hauling him up to a stand. “You okay, Sam?” Sam wobbled like a new born foal, shook his head once or twice and then commenced to hollerin’
“SHIT, SHIT, SHIT”
“Hold still, Sammy. I can’t see what we got here unless you hold still.”
Mac blew softly. His Dean was a smart boy.
Dean spun Sam around and sure enough, the boy had more prickly spines on his ass than one of those porcypines. Mac tipped his ears forward; this should be kind of interesting. Even Howard watched. And Howard wasn’t the smartest horse to ever look through a bridle.
Dean walked over to Mac and grabbed the pliers out of his saddlebag. They were handy to have a long for fixin’ fences or maybe taking cactus out of little brothers.
“Hold still, Sam.” Dean grabbed his brother and drug him over to a piece of rock that was almost where that damn gully was and pulled his brother over his lap. Mac’s momma told him of Dean’s pa whoopin’ Dean in the barn much like Dean was doin’ to Sam. Except Mac didn’t recollect anything about pullin’ out cactus spikes when his momma told him the story.
But the hollerin? That seemed to be something Mac remembered.
“Damn it, Dean. Watch what the hell you are doin’! “ Sam had quite a set a lungs on him.
“Well, Sam - if ya just learned to ride like a real boy, instead of dickin’ around maybe we wouldn’t be in this fix.”
“We aren’t in any fix, Dean, I am the one with a fuckin’ fix. I am sitting here with an ass full of…. owe, you diggin’ for gold back here? What the…OWE”
“Shaddup, Sam. You’re makin’ me twitchy here.”
“I’m makin’ YOU twitchy? You’re the one with the big ass pliers and about as much tact as that damn hooker you were with. Which, by the way, is the real reason we are here.”
“She wasn’t a hooker Sam, if you must know. If she’da been a hooker I wouldna been runnin’ from her Daddy now would I?”
“Well, how the hell was I to know. OW! DAMN IT DEAN, THAT’S MY ASS YOUR RIPPIN’UP” Sam howled again and Dean just adjusted his leg a bit to find his target a little easier.
Mac watched as Dean pulled spine after spine out of Sam’s ass.
Sam and Dean could keep the jawin’ up for hours. It wasn’t quite as interesting as the cactus removal. In fact, Howard had stopped watching and was standing, hip cocked and bottom lip kind of hanging like he might just be droppin’ off to sleep. Well that was Howard for ya.
So in the end, Sam climbed back on Howard, riding quite a bit more tentatively than Mac had ever seen and Dean managed to drag his jeans on and climb back up on Mac.
They headed to the next town at a more sedate pace than the one they just left.