falling away
Pardon the profanities.
My boss, Nico, thinks I'm a pessimist.
I like to think that things are all good, and that everything I try will have a positive outcome. But I can't help but think that, "Shit, shit, I'm gonna fail."
There's this saying I heard on the radio a few years back. "Aim for the roof, and you'll fall to the ground. Aim for the sky, and you'll fall to the roof." To my understanding, that means if I aim high enough and fail, it's impact won't be too much.
I suppose this kind of thinking is a sort of protection I put up. I have a rather big pride, and I hate being embarrassed or do something that won't be successful. Maybe that's why I'm happy with where I am and what I have, and take whatever good things happen with me. Comfort zone, ika nga.
I applied for a position with the account that I'm currently with. It's not really a step up from my current job grade, just a bit different from the duties I'm currently performing but no difference from what I've done for the last two and a half years. The job is something that I am familiar and very knowledgable on, even if I've been with the account for about a year now.
I just heard from Nico that I am not qualified. Not because of my tenure or my experience or my knowledge, but because I've failed to meet the ranking required for the position. The job requires a one to be of A or B rank for the last three months. Unfortunately, I'm on a B-D-B rank, so that D automatically disqualifies me.
When he told me, I shrugged it off, pretending nonchalance. Another mask. Another facade. But deep inside me I want to rant. I want to plead my case. I want to go over them and say "Fuck you all." I know I am more than qualified to take on the responsibility. I know that my experience will be a huge plus factor not just for me but for the account because the only difference between the two jobs is the product, and I already have a year's worth of experience (and believe me, that is enough). I've worked hard and as best as I can, and even successfully pulled up my status despite all the difficulties and challenges I've come across. I may not be the most technical or the most knowledgable person they can have on their team, but by God, I can assure them that I would the most hardworking, most resourceful, and most experienced person they can ever have.
I've been ranting about work for months now, and I've also applied for countless of jobs in different companies in two different fields which I know I'm qualified for. For this account alone, I've applied to three different positions --- thrice as a Quality Assurance (never got past the first stage), once as a trainer (got up to the final stage, didn't get picked), and once as a Manager (never even got to take the exam). For the company, I've tried to apply to different accounts about thrice as well, the last of which was the document specialist. I got to the final interview, but I never heard anything from them afterwards. Not even a note telling me "Sorry, but you're not the one we're looking for."
Outside, I've applied for work as a radio announcer (was told that they're arranging the training and I just have to wait for their call, but that was a month ago); a writer for a real estate gig (again, no update, and that was two months ago); with IBM (passed the test, no call for an interview); and as a webwriter (no acknowledgement that they even received my application).
And I wonder why I am such a pessimist when it comes to work.
And yes, I know that patience is a virtue; good things happen to those who wait; my time will come; maybe what I'm aiming for isn't for me... and all that good stuff... but I can't help but wonder when? Time is moving faster than I'd like it to, and though I'm really not chasing anything, I feel like my time is running out.
And I am stuck in this hole.
My boss, Nico, thinks I'm a pessimist.
I like to think that things are all good, and that everything I try will have a positive outcome. But I can't help but think that, "Shit, shit, I'm gonna fail."
There's this saying I heard on the radio a few years back. "Aim for the roof, and you'll fall to the ground. Aim for the sky, and you'll fall to the roof." To my understanding, that means if I aim high enough and fail, it's impact won't be too much.
I suppose this kind of thinking is a sort of protection I put up. I have a rather big pride, and I hate being embarrassed or do something that won't be successful. Maybe that's why I'm happy with where I am and what I have, and take whatever good things happen with me. Comfort zone, ika nga.
I applied for a position with the account that I'm currently with. It's not really a step up from my current job grade, just a bit different from the duties I'm currently performing but no difference from what I've done for the last two and a half years. The job is something that I am familiar and very knowledgable on, even if I've been with the account for about a year now.
I just heard from Nico that I am not qualified. Not because of my tenure or my experience or my knowledge, but because I've failed to meet the ranking required for the position. The job requires a one to be of A or B rank for the last three months. Unfortunately, I'm on a B-D-B rank, so that D automatically disqualifies me.
When he told me, I shrugged it off, pretending nonchalance. Another mask. Another facade. But deep inside me I want to rant. I want to plead my case. I want to go over them and say "Fuck you all." I know I am more than qualified to take on the responsibility. I know that my experience will be a huge plus factor not just for me but for the account because the only difference between the two jobs is the product, and I already have a year's worth of experience (and believe me, that is enough). I've worked hard and as best as I can, and even successfully pulled up my status despite all the difficulties and challenges I've come across. I may not be the most technical or the most knowledgable person they can have on their team, but by God, I can assure them that I would the most hardworking, most resourceful, and most experienced person they can ever have.
I've been ranting about work for months now, and I've also applied for countless of jobs in different companies in two different fields which I know I'm qualified for. For this account alone, I've applied to three different positions --- thrice as a Quality Assurance (never got past the first stage), once as a trainer (got up to the final stage, didn't get picked), and once as a Manager (never even got to take the exam). For the company, I've tried to apply to different accounts about thrice as well, the last of which was the document specialist. I got to the final interview, but I never heard anything from them afterwards. Not even a note telling me "Sorry, but you're not the one we're looking for."
Outside, I've applied for work as a radio announcer (was told that they're arranging the training and I just have to wait for their call, but that was a month ago); a writer for a real estate gig (again, no update, and that was two months ago); with IBM (passed the test, no call for an interview); and as a webwriter (no acknowledgement that they even received my application).
And I wonder why I am such a pessimist when it comes to work.
And yes, I know that patience is a virtue; good things happen to those who wait; my time will come; maybe what I'm aiming for isn't for me... and all that good stuff... but I can't help but wonder when? Time is moving faster than I'd like it to, and though I'm really not chasing anything, I feel like my time is running out.
And I am stuck in this hole.