Marry Smith. Beloved wife, mother, Grandmother and Great-Grandmother. We all will miss you.
I was due at work at 3 on sunday. I had just gotten my night started when i got a phone call.
My manager Rick gave me that look. The one that screams "were busy make it quick".
I went into the office and miranda was on the phone.
"Your brother insisted i call you at work. Your grandmother has passed."
I am 30 and I have never experienced the sheer wave of grief that rolled over me at that moment.
"Ok, ill talk to you later" without saying another word.
Fortunately there was no one else in the office at the time because I broke down into tears.
I have never lost someone close to me before, not even a friend.
We all knew it was coming. It was actually a blessing that she went.
She was riddled with cancer, especially in her head.
She was constantly in pain and doped up with morphine.
She is better off now.
But that didn't stop it from hurting like hell.
I told work I had to go and went home to make the round of phone calls.
First my brother since he called me.
He was sitting at home not sure what to do and waiting for someone to pick him up (he does not have a car).
Then dad who said he was taking it pretty well.
Then my sister michelle.
I talked to her the longest.
We had a falling out recently and had not spoken for weeks. Nothing like a tragedy to help patch holes.
Then I did what I always do in "Situations".
I hid from the reality of it by getting high.
That is what I do when I don't want to face something.
I get stoned and ignore it.
I was told that I did not have to attend the funeral. That the family would understand.
So they are enabling me, I wont be able to face the reality of this unless i'm standing there to say goodbye.
It's just not practical to go. We are moving into our new place on Thursday, the day of the funeral, and I can't afford to miss anymore days of work.
Then there is the other thing going on right now.
Miranda, who long time followers remember is my x who is living with me in Kentucky, wants to move back to Florida, with the kids. I told her go, its not like there going away forever and I don't want to stop you from being happy.
And I am now ignoring the situation.
It hurts like hell to let the 3 of them go back and knowing I can't visit anytime I want to.
I try to ask god why he makes my path so difficult and the only answer I can come up with is to make me stronger.
Some out there know a good way to stop this merry-go-round. I want to get off for a while.