LJ Masterpiece Theatre: Pride and Prejudice
A presentation of some writing. This is minimally edited because it was pounded out via chat. ...Enjoy.
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So Mr. Darcy is superduper serious and he's all, "Lame ass country folk are cramping mah style." This is after his friend buys a country manor next to the property of Mr. Bennett who's all, "Fuck, I have five daughters!" and Mrs. Bennett who is all, "I love son-in-laws!" So they get acquainted and the oldest Jane is all, "I think everyone is nice and everyone is just trying their best." Then there's Elizabeth who is all, "I'm just as pretty as I am smart!" Finally there's Mary who's like the Goth of the family and you never hear anything from her, plus Kitty and Lydia who appear to have one brain between them. Anyways, Mr. Bingley bought the property. He invites everyone in the town to a country ball where he decides that he likes Jane and Jane might like him. However, Mr. Darcy just doesn't dance with anyone because he's superduper serious and doesn't like the country folk cramping his style. He also insults Elizabeth so Elizabeth tells people that he's a total douche.
Mr. Bingley and Jane have their thing going and there are visits and such, but Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy keep having contact and being all, "Fuck you." There was some point where Mr. Bingley professes his affection for Jane to Mr Darcy, to which Mr. Darcy says, "If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for ya, son. I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one." Except, one of his problems is a bitch because Caroline Bingley is all up in his grill and being all like, "Won't it be just wonderful when we get married?" and he's all, "Move, bitch, get outta tha way." Alright. So meanwhile, there's this regiment of the Empire's army stationed nearby and there's this guy Wickham who's all, "Have you seen the pistol in my pocket" and the youngest two sisters are all, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!" So this Wickham guy is sort of charming but then Mr. Darcy and Wickham meet and there's all *EVIL COLD STARE OF DEATH* but don't talk. So Wickham goes up and down town telling people that Mr. Darcy is a bit of a douche, but he tries to soften the blow by saying, "I mean, he's a nice douche!"
So now everyone who sees him will go, "Oh, it's that douchebag, Mr. Darcy!" Mr. Bingley gets called away to England and Mr. Darcy goes with him so everyone is sort of sad that Mr. Bingley is gone because he's like a sweet lost puppy. Then Mr. Collins shows up who is Elizabeth's cousin. Mr. Bennett is all, "Fuck, he'll inherit the estate when I'm dead!" and Mrs. Bennett is all, "Son-in-law! NOW! WORK ON IT!" Mr. Collins goes to Elizabeth and says, "Well, you're sorta useful and I need someone to take care of my house because there's this woman who employs me as vicar and she's breathing down my neck about getting a wife." And Elizabeth is all, "Well, you'll have to do better than that because I'm just too pretty and smart for you." And Mr. Bennett is all, "Well, we're screwed." So instead, Mr. Collins proposes to Elizabeth's friend Charlotte who says, "Lizzie, I'm useless to my parents. By the way, you are too."
So Elizabeth goes to visit her friend where there is Lady Catherine de Bourough AKA The Harpy. So she sees Elizabeth and is all, "Wow, your family is totally lame country folk and you're cramping mah style with your country ways. I bet you guys run around like pygmis totally naked and nap with pigs and hunt deer with your bare hands. "And Elizabeth is all, "If I wasn't terrified of you, I'd tell you how much of a bitch you were." Mr. Darcy is there and he's all, "Wow, you're kinda hot" and his cousin Col. Fitzwilliam is all, "I'm way more charming than Mr. Darcy, but I wish I was as pretty." Okay, so then after some stuff with Lady Harpy, Darcy goes to Elizabeth and says, "Oh my god, Elizabeth, you are so totally cramping my style all the friggin' time and you're totally lame ass country ho-bad with your grungy hair and bad teeth but I LOVE YOU! Will you marry me?" And she's all, "..." And he's all, "..." And she's all, "..." and he's all, "..." and she says no. Some other stuff happens. Elizabeth goes back to her family then visits Charlotte again (I think) and then gets a letter from her family says, "OMG Wickham n Lydia r gone!"
Somewhere in there, Elizabeth gets a letter from Darcy that says, "Haters gonna hate, so let me set the record straight." This is where you find out that Wickham is a player which is why Mr. Darcy is a player hater, apparently said he'd break Wickham's ass up and down the block for touching his kid sister. Also, Mr. Darcy finds out about Wickham and such. Elizabeth gets home, and finds out that Lydia and Wickham got married because I guess Wickham couldn't find the key to her chastity belt. Lydia is all, LOL Mr. Darcy was sooooo nice and like you don't even know!" And Elizabeth was all, "What the fuck, Mr. Darcy?" And Lydia is all, "LOL I just ruined it! Nevermind!" So Elizabeth goes with a couple who was friends of the family and happens to see Pemberley where Mr. Darcy lives. So she's checking the digs and thinking, "Aw shit, maybe I should've said yes. The wallpaper is like banknotes. So they're there and then--hey, it's Mr. Darcy there and his kid sister! Elizabeth had been spying on them like a creeper and runs away, but Mr. Darcy goes after her. They're outside and they're all, "...Yo." And she's all, "...You're here." And he's all, "...Yeah. Sup?" And she's all, "...Y'know. The usual." And he's all, "...You wanna...like, eat...or something...." And she's all, "...I gotta go." And he's all, "...Yeah. Whatever."
So there's a party and the couple says, "Mr. Darcy isn't a douche at all. He invited us to dine with him. What the fuck is your problem?" And Elizabeth, "He's not being a douche? That's so not like him!" So Elizabeth meets his sister and the sister is all like, "OMG you're like so amazing! My brother has told me everything!" And Elizabeth is all, "Oh my god, Mr. Darcy has been replaced by a pod person, I think. Play it cool." And Mr. Darcy is all like, "I wanna be all over you like a fat kid on cake." So then Elizabeth goes back to home and apparently Mr. Bingley is back at his country manor. He goes to Jane and says, "Durrrrr durrrrrr....Hi" And she says, "Durrr....hi." And he says, "...Nice weather." And she says, "...Yeah. Very nice." And he says, "...I like your dress." And she says, "...I like your hair." And he says, "...You wanna, like...come over...?" And she says, "Oh, yes!" And then when he walks away, he says, "Sweetest ass I've ever seen." But no one hears him. So Lady Harpy shows up and is all, "Country folk gonna be cramping my style and Mr. Darcy's style so don't even think about marrying him, not that he'd ever propose to a ho-bag like you because he's totally engaged to my daughter." And Elizabeth is all, "Haters gonna hate, let me set the record straight." And oh my! That's exactly what Mr. Darcy said to her!
So Lady Harpy is all like "FUCK YOU!" So meanwhile, Mr. Bingley finds Jane and is all, "Durr...." And she's all, "Durr..." And he's all, "Oh my god, please have sex with me for the rest of my life and never, EVER stop." And she's all like, "Oh my god, I will give you oral sex every single day for the rest of my life!" And they're all like, "LET'S DO IT!" and her whole family has overheard and they all run in and said, "FINALLY!" Anyways, so then Elizabeth is outside looking pretty and Mr. Darcy comes up to her and says, "I heard you told my aunt that haters gonna hate...." And she's all, "...Yeah." And he's all, "...So?" And she's all, "...Okay, maybe I want to have sex with you every day for the rest of my life." And he's all, "REALLY?!" And she's all, "...Yeah." And he's all, "...I mean, that's cool...and stuff. No biggie." And she's all like, "Oh, does my vag have to be gold plated now, bitch?" And he's all, "Oh my god, have sex with me right now and never stop <3"
So her family is all, "What the fuck?" But her mother is all like "Yeah, son-in-laws!" And Mr. Bennett is all, "But I like Elizabeth and now she's gonna leave me *sad face*" And then there are two weddings at the same time. It's like a wedding inside a wedding. Xzibit shows up and says, "Yo dawg---" But Mr. Darcy says, "Bitch, no." So everyone has fun. Without Xzibit. It's really sad, but then they let Xzibit cook and he gets to put a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey.
The end
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I hope that you have enjoyed LJ Masterpiece Theatre. Thank you.
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So Mr. Darcy is superduper serious and he's all, "Lame ass country folk are cramping mah style." This is after his friend buys a country manor next to the property of Mr. Bennett who's all, "Fuck, I have five daughters!" and Mrs. Bennett who is all, "I love son-in-laws!" So they get acquainted and the oldest Jane is all, "I think everyone is nice and everyone is just trying their best." Then there's Elizabeth who is all, "I'm just as pretty as I am smart!" Finally there's Mary who's like the Goth of the family and you never hear anything from her, plus Kitty and Lydia who appear to have one brain between them. Anyways, Mr. Bingley bought the property. He invites everyone in the town to a country ball where he decides that he likes Jane and Jane might like him. However, Mr. Darcy just doesn't dance with anyone because he's superduper serious and doesn't like the country folk cramping his style. He also insults Elizabeth so Elizabeth tells people that he's a total douche.
Mr. Bingley and Jane have their thing going and there are visits and such, but Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy keep having contact and being all, "Fuck you." There was some point where Mr. Bingley professes his affection for Jane to Mr Darcy, to which Mr. Darcy says, "If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for ya, son. I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one." Except, one of his problems is a bitch because Caroline Bingley is all up in his grill and being all like, "Won't it be just wonderful when we get married?" and he's all, "Move, bitch, get outta tha way." Alright. So meanwhile, there's this regiment of the Empire's army stationed nearby and there's this guy Wickham who's all, "Have you seen the pistol in my pocket" and the youngest two sisters are all, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!" So this Wickham guy is sort of charming but then Mr. Darcy and Wickham meet and there's all *EVIL COLD STARE OF DEATH* but don't talk. So Wickham goes up and down town telling people that Mr. Darcy is a bit of a douche, but he tries to soften the blow by saying, "I mean, he's a nice douche!"
So now everyone who sees him will go, "Oh, it's that douchebag, Mr. Darcy!" Mr. Bingley gets called away to England and Mr. Darcy goes with him so everyone is sort of sad that Mr. Bingley is gone because he's like a sweet lost puppy. Then Mr. Collins shows up who is Elizabeth's cousin. Mr. Bennett is all, "Fuck, he'll inherit the estate when I'm dead!" and Mrs. Bennett is all, "Son-in-law! NOW! WORK ON IT!" Mr. Collins goes to Elizabeth and says, "Well, you're sorta useful and I need someone to take care of my house because there's this woman who employs me as vicar and she's breathing down my neck about getting a wife." And Elizabeth is all, "Well, you'll have to do better than that because I'm just too pretty and smart for you." And Mr. Bennett is all, "Well, we're screwed." So instead, Mr. Collins proposes to Elizabeth's friend Charlotte who says, "Lizzie, I'm useless to my parents. By the way, you are too."
So Elizabeth goes to visit her friend where there is Lady Catherine de Bourough AKA The Harpy. So she sees Elizabeth and is all, "Wow, your family is totally lame country folk and you're cramping mah style with your country ways. I bet you guys run around like pygmis totally naked and nap with pigs and hunt deer with your bare hands. "And Elizabeth is all, "If I wasn't terrified of you, I'd tell you how much of a bitch you were." Mr. Darcy is there and he's all, "Wow, you're kinda hot" and his cousin Col. Fitzwilliam is all, "I'm way more charming than Mr. Darcy, but I wish I was as pretty." Okay, so then after some stuff with Lady Harpy, Darcy goes to Elizabeth and says, "Oh my god, Elizabeth, you are so totally cramping my style all the friggin' time and you're totally lame ass country ho-bad with your grungy hair and bad teeth but I LOVE YOU! Will you marry me?" And she's all, "..." And he's all, "..." And she's all, "..." and he's all, "..." and she says no. Some other stuff happens. Elizabeth goes back to her family then visits Charlotte again (I think) and then gets a letter from her family says, "OMG Wickham n Lydia r gone!"
Somewhere in there, Elizabeth gets a letter from Darcy that says, "Haters gonna hate, so let me set the record straight." This is where you find out that Wickham is a player which is why Mr. Darcy is a player hater, apparently said he'd break Wickham's ass up and down the block for touching his kid sister. Also, Mr. Darcy finds out about Wickham and such. Elizabeth gets home, and finds out that Lydia and Wickham got married because I guess Wickham couldn't find the key to her chastity belt. Lydia is all, LOL Mr. Darcy was sooooo nice and like you don't even know!" And Elizabeth was all, "What the fuck, Mr. Darcy?" And Lydia is all, "LOL I just ruined it! Nevermind!" So Elizabeth goes with a couple who was friends of the family and happens to see Pemberley where Mr. Darcy lives. So she's checking the digs and thinking, "Aw shit, maybe I should've said yes. The wallpaper is like banknotes. So they're there and then--hey, it's Mr. Darcy there and his kid sister! Elizabeth had been spying on them like a creeper and runs away, but Mr. Darcy goes after her. They're outside and they're all, "...Yo." And she's all, "...You're here." And he's all, "...Yeah. Sup?" And she's all, "...Y'know. The usual." And he's all, "...You wanna...like, eat...or something...." And she's all, "...I gotta go." And he's all, "...Yeah. Whatever."
So there's a party and the couple says, "Mr. Darcy isn't a douche at all. He invited us to dine with him. What the fuck is your problem?" And Elizabeth, "He's not being a douche? That's so not like him!" So Elizabeth meets his sister and the sister is all like, "OMG you're like so amazing! My brother has told me everything!" And Elizabeth is all, "Oh my god, Mr. Darcy has been replaced by a pod person, I think. Play it cool." And Mr. Darcy is all like, "I wanna be all over you like a fat kid on cake." So then Elizabeth goes back to home and apparently Mr. Bingley is back at his country manor. He goes to Jane and says, "Durrrrr durrrrrr....Hi" And she says, "Durrr....hi." And he says, "...Nice weather." And she says, "...Yeah. Very nice." And he says, "...I like your dress." And she says, "...I like your hair." And he says, "...You wanna, like...come over...?" And she says, "Oh, yes!" And then when he walks away, he says, "Sweetest ass I've ever seen." But no one hears him. So Lady Harpy shows up and is all, "Country folk gonna be cramping my style and Mr. Darcy's style so don't even think about marrying him, not that he'd ever propose to a ho-bag like you because he's totally engaged to my daughter." And Elizabeth is all, "Haters gonna hate, let me set the record straight." And oh my! That's exactly what Mr. Darcy said to her!
So Lady Harpy is all like "FUCK YOU!" So meanwhile, Mr. Bingley finds Jane and is all, "Durr...." And she's all, "Durr..." And he's all, "Oh my god, please have sex with me for the rest of my life and never, EVER stop." And she's all like, "Oh my god, I will give you oral sex every single day for the rest of my life!" And they're all like, "LET'S DO IT!" and her whole family has overheard and they all run in and said, "FINALLY!" Anyways, so then Elizabeth is outside looking pretty and Mr. Darcy comes up to her and says, "I heard you told my aunt that haters gonna hate...." And she's all, "...Yeah." And he's all, "...So?" And she's all, "...Okay, maybe I want to have sex with you every day for the rest of my life." And he's all, "REALLY?!" And she's all, "...Yeah." And he's all, "...I mean, that's cool...and stuff. No biggie." And she's all like, "Oh, does my vag have to be gold plated now, bitch?" And he's all, "Oh my god, have sex with me right now and never stop <3"
So her family is all, "What the fuck?" But her mother is all like "Yeah, son-in-laws!" And Mr. Bennett is all, "But I like Elizabeth and now she's gonna leave me *sad face*" And then there are two weddings at the same time. It's like a wedding inside a wedding. Xzibit shows up and says, "Yo dawg---" But Mr. Darcy says, "Bitch, no." So everyone has fun. Without Xzibit. It's really sad, but then they let Xzibit cook and he gets to put a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey.
The end
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I hope that you have enjoyed LJ Masterpiece Theatre. Thank you.