the continuing adventures of secret agent saara: saara vs. her own body
fuck my body. in a completely non-sexy way, fuck it straight to hell.
due to unforeseen events, i will be unable to attend the show in combined locks tonight. i feel up to it, but i think loud noises are not what my ear needs right now. i'm sad, though. it's one of the few shows i'd been looking forward to - not really for the show (sorry, deej), but because i was going to get to see a bunch of people i rarely see. we'll still probably be in the gb area on saturday, though.
here's the story of last night, longer than i thought it'd be:
i was Ms. Elated Face because i felt better, plus we went to michael's (the craft store, not michael's house) where i got all kinds of stuff for embroidering and making things out of records. everything was looking particularly saara-rific.
then it happened. it seemed so sudden that it feels like it must have been brought on by a specific event, like a sneeze or turning my ankle the wrong way. but i didn't do anything. but as we were walking into the denny's on south 27th street (classy!), my ear started stabbing me from the inside.
i've been trying to figure out how to describe the feeling. it was fucking blinding. usually i'm good at describing things. but it was the kind of pain that renders you dumb (in the original sense of the word), the kind you can't remember clearly anymore once it vanishes. later, i laid on the couch trying to figure out what i could compare it to, and i realized with the clarity you only get when you're sick or insane that it was exactly like being stabbed in the ear drum with a knife made of hot lava. now that i feel better, i know that i've never been stabbed in the eardrum with a knife made of hot lava; i know that a knife couldn't be made of hot lava; but last night, i was sure. i couldn't even eat my oily, breaded denny's shrimp. when have you known me to turn down fried foods?
[on the upside, we did get to see elvis bob, who was short, elvis-ly coiffed, wore gold wrap-around sunglasses with the decorative holes along the sides and a 20th Elvis Anniversary of Something shirt (which had "ELVIS BOB" in iron-on letters on the back). elvis bob spent his time in denny's sipping cranberry juice, hitting on the waitress*, and talking to marshall, our waiter, about how he had $100,000 each in four different banks because banks won't take more than $100,000. elvis bob had salisbury steak with melted cheese and a side of pringles for dinner - at home, before coming to denny's. elvis bob does not eat in restaurants. he does not have to worry about clothes, as he has more stored in the attic. he didn't mean it like that when he said you were his girlfriend - he just meant that you're a girl and are his friend.]
back to the pain: when i was a kid, i was pretty sure that my bodily functions were governed by two engineering-ally inclined ants that lived inside my body. i wasn't sure exactly how they made everything work, but i was sure there were levers and pulleys involved. i was also sure that most machinations required both ants and all twelve of their little legs. i was thus amazed when i'd do something like sneeze and fart at the same time. how did they manage it?
i'd mostly forgotten about this until last night. see, i haven't had an ear infection since i was, like, 6. i also haven't believed in the ingenious ants since i was, like, 6. i realized for sure that it was an ear infection when i bent forward, and something lurched inside my ear. something that sounded/felt wet, heavy, and ... hm ... porous. it also sent pain slicing through my ear like a motherfucker, and suddenly i was kneeling on the floor, clutching at my ear and i was six and whimpering because the ants were wearing spiky-soled boots and walking through hot slush in my ear canal. sure, it sounds cute to us now; but back then i hated those little bastards. i remember trying to figure out ways to trick them to the surface with a belch or a slight cough and then snipping their little heads of with embroidery scissors.**
the thing is, though, that i was fucking amazed by my body's memory. before last night, i barely even remembered that i had ear infections, much less what they felt like or that the ants were at fault. but the moment i felt that horrible, wet shift, i knew what it was. it was so familiar that i had to stop and rewind to find the words "ear infection". it's jesus fuck incredible is what it is.
next, i must tell you about the psycho ghetto urgent care clinic i went to. i will never take my nice, clean doctor with her polite receptionist for granted again.
* he was assertively rebuffed in the clearly enunciated tones that we ladies reserve for those who are extremely young, short, or mentally deficient. she said "we're just friends, bob" like it was the phrase of the day on sesame street.
** yes, i have since become ant-phobic for unrelated reasons.
due to unforeseen events, i will be unable to attend the show in combined locks tonight. i feel up to it, but i think loud noises are not what my ear needs right now. i'm sad, though. it's one of the few shows i'd been looking forward to - not really for the show (sorry, deej), but because i was going to get to see a bunch of people i rarely see. we'll still probably be in the gb area on saturday, though.
here's the story of last night, longer than i thought it'd be:
i was Ms. Elated Face because i felt better, plus we went to michael's (the craft store, not michael's house) where i got all kinds of stuff for embroidering and making things out of records. everything was looking particularly saara-rific.
then it happened. it seemed so sudden that it feels like it must have been brought on by a specific event, like a sneeze or turning my ankle the wrong way. but i didn't do anything. but as we were walking into the denny's on south 27th street (classy!), my ear started stabbing me from the inside.
i've been trying to figure out how to describe the feeling. it was fucking blinding. usually i'm good at describing things. but it was the kind of pain that renders you dumb (in the original sense of the word), the kind you can't remember clearly anymore once it vanishes. later, i laid on the couch trying to figure out what i could compare it to, and i realized with the clarity you only get when you're sick or insane that it was exactly like being stabbed in the ear drum with a knife made of hot lava. now that i feel better, i know that i've never been stabbed in the eardrum with a knife made of hot lava; i know that a knife couldn't be made of hot lava; but last night, i was sure. i couldn't even eat my oily, breaded denny's shrimp. when have you known me to turn down fried foods?
[on the upside, we did get to see elvis bob, who was short, elvis-ly coiffed, wore gold wrap-around sunglasses with the decorative holes along the sides and a 20th Elvis Anniversary of Something shirt (which had "ELVIS BOB" in iron-on letters on the back). elvis bob spent his time in denny's sipping cranberry juice, hitting on the waitress*, and talking to marshall, our waiter, about how he had $100,000 each in four different banks because banks won't take more than $100,000. elvis bob had salisbury steak with melted cheese and a side of pringles for dinner - at home, before coming to denny's. elvis bob does not eat in restaurants. he does not have to worry about clothes, as he has more stored in the attic. he didn't mean it like that when he said you were his girlfriend - he just meant that you're a girl and are his friend.]
back to the pain: when i was a kid, i was pretty sure that my bodily functions were governed by two engineering-ally inclined ants that lived inside my body. i wasn't sure exactly how they made everything work, but i was sure there were levers and pulleys involved. i was also sure that most machinations required both ants and all twelve of their little legs. i was thus amazed when i'd do something like sneeze and fart at the same time. how did they manage it?
i'd mostly forgotten about this until last night. see, i haven't had an ear infection since i was, like, 6. i also haven't believed in the ingenious ants since i was, like, 6. i realized for sure that it was an ear infection when i bent forward, and something lurched inside my ear. something that sounded/felt wet, heavy, and ... hm ... porous. it also sent pain slicing through my ear like a motherfucker, and suddenly i was kneeling on the floor, clutching at my ear and i was six and whimpering because the ants were wearing spiky-soled boots and walking through hot slush in my ear canal. sure, it sounds cute to us now; but back then i hated those little bastards. i remember trying to figure out ways to trick them to the surface with a belch or a slight cough and then snipping their little heads of with embroidery scissors.**
the thing is, though, that i was fucking amazed by my body's memory. before last night, i barely even remembered that i had ear infections, much less what they felt like or that the ants were at fault. but the moment i felt that horrible, wet shift, i knew what it was. it was so familiar that i had to stop and rewind to find the words "ear infection". it's jesus fuck incredible is what it is.
next, i must tell you about the psycho ghetto urgent care clinic i went to. i will never take my nice, clean doctor with her polite receptionist for granted again.
* he was assertively rebuffed in the clearly enunciated tones that we ladies reserve for those who are extremely young, short, or mentally deficient. she said "we're just friends, bob" like it was the phrase of the day on sesame street.
** yes, i have since become ant-phobic for unrelated reasons.