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[saanders]

Don't read this unless you want to be chastised. And don't say I didn't warn you.

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[jarlalex]

And why should I bother anymore? I'm not happy. Duh if you didn't know that one by now. Maybe I've never been happy, but you know what? It doesn't matter.

If it makes you feel any better, I won't come up with some crap challenging this statement's validity. 'Cuz you know what? Sometimes, I feel like I could well say the same thing.

Did anybody call me when I said I was feeling down? No. Did anyone here ever say "Hey, you wanna talk about it?" No. No one tried to make any kind of effort, the best I get is a couple of comments saying "Hey, perk up, you're dragging me down."

The reason for that is:
I need help, I know it. Yet I know I will refuse it at every turn.

After being rebuffed a few times, people do stop trying. I didn't figure that out until I could literally count on one hand the number of people who even noticed my depressive spells. And unless you count my mom's constant attempts to get me on pills, I don't even get "Hey, perk up."

Sure, things could be better. But also worse. Emotions are a funny thing, and are more fickle than the weather. There's a reason I think that emotions are a weak point... because they are.

[jarlalex]

I'VE TRIED TO CONNECT WITH YOU TEN MILLION TIMES AND INSTEAD YOU JUST DANCE. I DIDN"T WANT YOU TO DANCE. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW YOU REALLY FELT. REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME YOU STOOD BY THE DOOR CRYING, AND I ASKED IF YOU WERE OK, AND YOU GOT PISSED AND TOLD ME TO SHUT UP, SO I GOT OUT OF BED AND HUGGED YOU FOR A WHILE, and then eventually you told me to go back to bed? Well, I just gave you what I could. Whenever I or anyone else tries to help you or anyone else when they are hurting, you just say they were trying to help cause they're selfish and it makes them feel smug and important to help somebody.

Well, that can really make a person feel like a piece of crap.

Yet I still want to help because I can't stand seeing you in pain. I know your pain. Do you know where I am right now? I'm at home recovering. I got the flu and SNAPPED during Thanksgiving break. I couldn't fall asleep unless my head lay on my dad's chest, and my mother held my hand. Yes. WEAK!!!! I am weak. I'm getting better now.....at a cost.

Why the fuck do you think I distract myself with school? Work work work work work, write, paint, draw, don't sleep.....then you don't have time to think about all that shit. But if you burn out and get the flu and you stop thinking, then you realize what a stupid fucking joke life is because even when you are busy, you are in pain, and you live day in and day out working and working but you still want to kill yourself.

THERE IS NO POINT. I've talked to my Dad about it. He took me for a 2 hour car ride driving on the freeway because I was in a lot of pain and that;s what he used to do to get me to fall asleep when I was a baby. Anyhow, what he told me is that he's been in pain since he was real young, and he wakes up every day wishing he didn;t have to get up, but he finds that if he just gets moving and does "what he's supposed to do," it doesn;t make the pain better, but at the same time the pain doesn't get worse.

YOU WILL GET PAST THIS. I think everybody has moments of happiness. From September to October of this year I did not want to kill myself. That's a start. It's hope.

What have I learned? Success makes you proud. Pride is of some use to give life meaning, but happiness is much better. Nurturing helps to soothe pain. Praise does not.

GOD. I'm starting to think that perhaps making God the center of one;s life--like he was when I was a little kid--is the only way. Ever seen those Campus Crusaders? They're so freakin happy it's scary.

But it's also scary to imagine not being so self-centered and self-righteous. ME ME ME ME ME EARTH WORLD THIS LIFE SUCKS I WANT TO DIE. GOD GOD GOD I'M HERE FOR A REASON I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT I SHOULD JUST TRY TO LIVE THE WAY GOD WANTS ME TO, AND HE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY, SO I SHOULD BE. I don't know if I can let go of myself enough to make God the center of my life. When's the last time it was like that for me? Probably when I was 9 yrs. old.

I was a happy little 9 yr. old, for the most part.

Ok, so if you can't do God, try existentialism.

CHOICES DETERMINE WELLBEING.

Consider the following:

1) you are alive

2) a lot of other people are alive

3) killing yourself would make other people sad

4) it't not nice to make other people sad

5) you should stay alive

6) if you must stay alive, you might as well be happy

7) you can be happy if you choose to be.

Have you tried science? Science is a nice distraction from all of the silly things inside people. It's FREAKIN AMAZING to understand how physical things work.

I have a googolplex of things to say, but it;s definitely time for bed.

--YOU KNOW WHO.

--SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED

--THE FREAK WHO CUT HERSELF TO FEEL ALIVE

--I WANT SOME MORE CANDY BUT IT'S ALL GONE

--SORRY FOR CHASTISING YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS ENTRY

[saanders]

Never let someone's constant refusal keep you from giving them what they need, not what they want. Which is why I have no friends. I'm pushy and heartless and have no one to look up to or walk along side of because I give what I preceive is needed. Damn me and my stupidity.