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I will not be returning to MSU this spring semester. I will be living with my family and attending college again in the fall. Maybe here, maybe back as Western, maybe at Northern, maybe at U of M. In the mean time I will be working, taking a class at FU and attending couciling for the third time in my life. Wee.
So I did a lot of thinking, and here's the problem. Remember how I was a spazz last year? I freaked out a lot and talked fast and was hyperactive? And I cried sometimes too? Well, that relieves a lot of tension and helps me to be productive. This semester, I didn't want to bother anybody....I didn't talk about my feelings to friends, teachers, family--anybody! I let it build up, and then had a big panic attack that set off the flu over Thanksgiving break.
So what have I been doing since then? Talking to my dad. He's actually going to come to campus with me and study with me tommorrow, because he has stuff to do for work. It might sound very strange for someone to study with their father, but he's been through similar sh*t, except his ended up way worse, so we talk openly and I don't feel guilty letting him know how I'm feeling.
So I think the key is to be a little selfish emotionally. Cry if you need to! Also, stick to a routine. First, I let cleaning my aparment slide. Then I let homework slide. THen I let going to class slide.....I think that;s how it happens. So, next semester I'm going to EVERY class, no matter how unimportant I think it is.
Also, there's this thing that perfectionists do where they underachieve because they don't try, and then they can say that they underachieved because they didn't try. That's pretty much self-destructive!
The fact is, doing well in school is important, and when I don't do well, I don't feel good about anything.
Here's the thing I've found....suppose you're depressed. That sucks. But you don't need to treat the depression in order to succeed, you need to succeed in order to treat the depression!! Happiness is not based totally on success. But success is a step. It helps. Social adjustment is necessary too, for some people.
Social situations made my father freak, and therefore he failed in them. The only way for him to not freak is to have good experiences in social situations. He didn't give a crap about his grades.....I mean, REALLY DEEP DOWN he didn't give a crap--it's not like he just pretended not to give a crap-- so he always had excellent grades.
For me, same but different. Fear of bad grades has made me freak, so I'm not doing superb this semester. Next semester, I'm going to take a lighter load and get PERSISTENT counseling with a licensed professional so that I will be able to let my emotions out w.o feeling guilty about burdening others. Also, I'm going to start organized and STAY organized. And will go to every class on time, rain or shine.
Something happens when I start studying....the fear goes away. Unless I've waited too long, or convinced myself that I've waited too long--then, when I really need to crack down, I can't--I freak instead, outwardly or inwardly, and avoid the stuff.
I do know two things....being smart and being crazy go hand in hand. Unfortunately, being productive and being crazy do not. Congrats to Schrodinger and Einstein and all them genuises! They were able to conquer their neuroses and harness their brain power!
And that my friends, is what I plan on doing. I am a GENUIS!!!! wa ha aha ahha. (Because the first step is telling myslef I'm smart and I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO)
Anna
MY NUMBER ONE FEAR: failing and living as a grocer for the rest of my life and disappointing everybody
SARAH'S NUMBER ONE FEAR: probably none of my business. I feel a shoes flying through the comp screen at my head for asking.
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