I HATE THE WORLD!
I wonder if I just build walls between myself and the world and things around me... Maybe I do... I know I have the tendency to shut out things that I decided against but it not just protesting against something but my way to finish things and move on.
But my mom seems not understanding this. She just saw that she says something and I act all offended. But it's not being or not being offended. It's rather I feel annoyed when she digs up closed things. Right now she pushes me again to send my CV to a kindergarten where her coworker's kids are but I don't really want to. First because if I do and they hire me there's no way I can go to the university from autumn but I really want to. (Mom said I should just tell them if they call me in for an interview but there's no way they hire me if I tell it them. Not like this when I can say nothing exact when I will be able to go to work. And nevertheless a kindergarten can't work like that one of the kindergarten teacher's changing every half a year when can she go to work! I'm sure mom thought I couldn't know it but I'm pretty sure that it will be like this. Cause when I went to a job interview to a care center I told them that I want to/will go back to uni from September and they didn't call me after, though they said they'll call no matter their answer is yes or no...) And the other thing is why I don't want to do it that it's not even sure that they need an other kindergarten teacher! It's just mom's colleague had a talk with his kids' kindergarten teacher who said him tell me to send it.
I don't want to send my CV hoping that even if they don't need a new worker now at least my CV is there so they might call me later. If they don't need an other person right now, they'll just throw away my papers!
And the other thing that bothered me in this conversation with mom was that she started again: how will we pay uni for me? This was the main reason why I hesitated to send my uni application in the first place. Though in the end my (now) ex-boyfriend and mom said just apply then we'll pay it someway or an other...(okay, at that time we couldn't know that I won't be able to find a new job) But it just frustrate me to no end that they don't tell me forget about uni cause we don't have the money for it. If they would say it I would accept this even it would hurt and be really hard to give up now that I know what I want to learn at uni. If I could I would trade back my degree to be able to be able to go to uni free now... (actually this is why I hate we have to decide what to be, what to learn at the age 18... )
Oh, and I just got a book from my former university about how to build your carrier... Ironical... There were a lot of people's story about what did they learnt on uni and what are they doing now. There were a girl who's now a poet, has a TV show, writing in newspapers and magazines, etc. They wrote about her that originally she get a degree as a teacher then stayed at the uni learning other stuff to enjoy fully the treats of a university student's life... This was the point I finished reading. Cause I could've do this too just our government changed the conditions of university learning just a year before I finished high school. And the way it works now is sucks! Everybody hates it but the people in the government just don't care about it 'casue they can pay their children's school fees...
Yeah... well, thanks a lot...:(
It's just... right now all I want to do is hide at oe dark place and cry...
But my mom seems not understanding this. She just saw that she says something and I act all offended. But it's not being or not being offended. It's rather I feel annoyed when she digs up closed things. Right now she pushes me again to send my CV to a kindergarten where her coworker's kids are but I don't really want to. First because if I do and they hire me there's no way I can go to the university from autumn but I really want to. (Mom said I should just tell them if they call me in for an interview but there's no way they hire me if I tell it them. Not like this when I can say nothing exact when I will be able to go to work. And nevertheless a kindergarten can't work like that one of the kindergarten teacher's changing every half a year when can she go to work! I'm sure mom thought I couldn't know it but I'm pretty sure that it will be like this. Cause when I went to a job interview to a care center I told them that I want to/will go back to uni from September and they didn't call me after, though they said they'll call no matter their answer is yes or no...) And the other thing is why I don't want to do it that it's not even sure that they need an other kindergarten teacher! It's just mom's colleague had a talk with his kids' kindergarten teacher who said him tell me to send it.
I don't want to send my CV hoping that even if they don't need a new worker now at least my CV is there so they might call me later. If they don't need an other person right now, they'll just throw away my papers!
And the other thing that bothered me in this conversation with mom was that she started again: how will we pay uni for me? This was the main reason why I hesitated to send my uni application in the first place. Though in the end my (now) ex-boyfriend and mom said just apply then we'll pay it someway or an other...(okay, at that time we couldn't know that I won't be able to find a new job) But it just frustrate me to no end that they don't tell me forget about uni cause we don't have the money for it. If they would say it I would accept this even it would hurt and be really hard to give up now that I know what I want to learn at uni. If I could I would trade back my degree to be able to be able to go to uni free now... (actually this is why I hate we have to decide what to be, what to learn at the age 18... )
Oh, and I just got a book from my former university about how to build your carrier... Ironical... There were a lot of people's story about what did they learnt on uni and what are they doing now. There were a girl who's now a poet, has a TV show, writing in newspapers and magazines, etc. They wrote about her that originally she get a degree as a teacher then stayed at the uni learning other stuff to enjoy fully the treats of a university student's life... This was the point I finished reading. Cause I could've do this too just our government changed the conditions of university learning just a year before I finished high school. And the way it works now is sucks! Everybody hates it but the people in the government just don't care about it 'casue they can pay their children's school fees...
Yeah... well, thanks a lot...:(
It's just... right now all I want to do is hide at oe dark place and cry...