The Denial

[sa_runna]

Title              : The Denial

Author         : Sa_Runna

Pairing       : Tora x Saga

Genre        : Angst, death

Chapter     : oneshot

Warnings   : UNBETA-ED-ness causes Bad Grammar, lots of mistakes and such. Death.

Disclaimer :catch them if you can

Summary   : “You have my words and I promise I won’t work this song up tomorrow so you’ll have me all day.” That was his last promise.

X-posted : jrockyaoi aliceinloveland  saga_x_tora

Notes(again): Well, hello freedom!! I just finished my national final test yesterday, and if I could pass through it, I’ll legally accepted at my dream university! *cries my tears till dried out*. So, I’m searching for some bless, hee. I miss my LJ so much! Here is my dedication for you guys!

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“Tora, do you still working on that song?” I ask him while rubbing my teary eyes. I’m dead sleepy and hell he still struggling with his music sheet. I understand that he does this for our band but come on, reality, show him what time is it now.

“Yes. Why don’t you go to bed first, Saga? I’m afraid I’m not going to finish this in only 10 minutes. I know you’re sleepy.” He says that semi-romantically. The dim lighting from the table lamp we bought for our new apartment adorns our nicely decorated balcony. With the stunning Tokyo’s night sky as our balcony’s wall, even in 2 o’clock in the morning it still gives us the romantic feeling which can’t be found in our previous apartment.

“I want to go to bed with you. Come on, Tora you have done this for almost a week full. Nao won’t be happy with the result if he finds his fine guitarist come to practice with two large eye bags.” I fix the brown fluffy blanket to warm my body up. Tora’s own body doesn’t seem like having any trouble with the temperature though.

I have my bass leaned on the side of the table. Sometimes I help him with playing my bass even if I know it won’t help much but he always says that he needs my accompany more than my bass playing. How can I resist something like that?

“I don’t want you to catch a cold. You better go inside and sleep. I’ll catch up with you soon.” Oh, he realizes that I’m sneezing. Well, my health doesn’t get any better since I decide to accompany him composing Alice Nine’s next single each nights and since I don’t want my unhealthiness interfere the band’s activity, I guess I’ll go to bed first.

“Okay then. You must watch your health too. Promise me you’ll be beside me when I wake up in the morning.” My state does get the attention I’ve been expecting before. He pulls me to his embrace and kisses my forehead gently before whispering some words.

“You have my words and I promise I won’t work this song up tomorrow so you’ll have me all day.”

“Really?”

“Of course. Now good night, Love. Sleep well.” After some light lips-pecking, I head to my…our bedroom. This is not the first time I go to bed by myself. After 3 years of living together, this scenario happens quite often. I offer him some company while he was working on something and end up by “accidentally” crash my eyes closed. I’m not a light sleeper after all.

I can hear the serene strum of the beautiful guitar playing echoed in the newly designed apartment. The sound makes my already sleepy head become heavier as I take hints that my eyes refuse to open anymore. The bedroom smells like him, and the guitar playing is just… Tora.

**

-a day later-

There are some things in this world we should believe and that means there are some other things we shouldn’t. It just a matter of how we act and choose which one is which will be the best solution for each problem.

And that is the general statement of my speech. I’m going to hold still on that statement and continue my life with my own perspective.

In this case, I choose not to believe. I do not believe it and I won’t EVER believe it. But the truth is I’m standing beside his door. His parent’s door.  I stand here with people walk through me unnoticeable. Black dresses and clothes are everywhere while I’m clutched carelessly in my red shirt and a pair of used torn jeans. A group of three people beside me are ignoring my over casualness since they had persuaded me to wear more formal clothes but failed.

Some soft cries are heard through the poignant atmosphere inside the house. Some of them are really serene while the other isn’t and they start bugging me. Without much difference, I still can hear the soft sob from Hiroto who is clinging tightly onto Shou. The other man seems having a hard time pretending to look cool in front of the small man in his arm.

I take a glance at the room and make an eye contact with ‘his’ mother. The last thing I ever heard about her is that Tora and her are having a great fight when Tora decided he was going to move out with me. I can feel her throwing hundreds of dagger through her glance from far. A glance with great detest.

What have I done wrong? Oh come on, It’s not like I had trapped him to move out with me. In fact he is the one who was confessing first. So don’t look at me like that! I try to throw back the daggers but failed because her over angriness seems absorbing all my effort in fighting back. And I hate being treated like that.

Carelessly I head to the exit.

“Wait, Saga. Where do you think you are going?” The protracted figure of Shou’s hand blocks my way out.

“Home.” I can hear his usually strong tone of voice tremble with tears while mine still look calm and cool. But suddenly, his act becomes harsher and he shoves me to the wall. Nao who has return from his dreamland is trying to separate us both.

“WHAT THE HELL CAN MAKE YOU THINKING ABOUT GOING HOME IN THIS SITUATION!!!” Shou’s voice change drastically into scream. The upright cold wall behind me is the only thing in the world which can support me for now. “DO YOU EVEN THINK TO LEAVE HIM HERE??! COME ON ANSWER ME!!! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT DEAF!!!” Shou’s screams echoing in my ear but I don’t even flinch at that. No voice can break through my new built barrier for now. I’m not responding to anything.

“I can’t wait here for too long. He is waiting for me in our apartment.” My voice seems so tranquil yet no expression comes from my face. I’m blank. Hiroto cries harder behind Shou’s back while pleading for him to stop but Shou doesn’t seem like stopping at any time. Ignoring Hiroto’s cries, Shou grabs my collar and drags me to the center of the room. Everyone is staring but that doesn’t prevent him from gnashing his teeth to my face.

I can see an elegantly decorated black box on the center. The white blooming flower seems so harmonically matches the white satin fabric covering the inside of the box.

Tora…

A lifeless body appears as a beautiful pale ceramic doll adorned with the black and white suit of clothes. No one can be seen as gorgeous as that after death.

“Look, Saga. Look who is the one inside that box!! TORA IS DEAD!! DON’T YOU REALIZE IT ALREADY??!!” Everyone flinch at Shou’s line but I’m not. I just stand there motionless. My blank gaze challenges his razor-sharp one.

“The car hit him, Saga!! You have seen it by yourself!! So don’t act bratty and accept the fact, HE IS DEAD!!”

Whatever. I don’t care what the hell you are saying, Shou. Go screaming all you want but not in front of my ears! If I’m really deaf then it’s your fault!

“Easy Shou! Get your self together!!” The grip on my collar tenses a bit. Nao is the one in charge to calm Shou down but not completely.

“HE IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD GET HIMSELF TOGETHER, NOT ME!!” The grip becomes harsh again. Nao’s power doesn’t seem enough to retain the mad Shou. I can take care of my self so I fight back and punch him right on his cheek.

“Shut up. I need to go back home right now because Tora is waiting for me there.” I dust off my jacket and head to the exit slowly. I don’t need anyone’s compassion so just fuck off and leave me alone!

*at home*

“Tadaima. Tora, I’m home.” Hoping Tora’s voice will answer me back, I light up the dining lamp but no life seem occupy the whole apartment. I sigh. The door had clicked closed. I walk to the coffee table and have a seat for myself. Instantly, the coffee jar has it’s own way to my hand. The apartment felt so desolate with the clinking sound of the metal spoon hit the side of the glass resonance through it.

I decide to turn on the TV while waiting Tora comes back. What channel should I watch first? Ah, whatever. I press the remote’s button randomly, and to my wretchedness the infotainment comes to view. The hosts look so interactive while gossiping with each other. Che. Cheap program, every celebrity hates an infotainment journalist. Well, some others don’t.

“The next hot news comes from the band Alice Nine. As we knew, the culminating visual-kei band is having a hard time now. We know this would upset you guys but their guitarist Tora got a car accident and now being hospitalized in the *** hospital. We hope he will get well soon and get on the stage with his band. Get well soon, Tora-San.” Problem seems intrude the other host because she gets in a rush with paper on her hand. “Oh! I’m sorry, we just got the latest information about the news and they said that… Oh my god this can’t be true. They said that… Tora-San cannot survive from the injury and tomorrow his funeral will take place in his hometown. We’re very sorry about the news and we--------“ The TV is off. I throw the remote to it.

Stupid program showing stupid news! Who on earth would believe that kind of prank! Oh dear god please tell the whole world Tora isn’t dead! No matter how far he goes, he will come back! He will come back to me!!

I saunter to the kitchen and pour some more coffee into Tora’s favorite mug. He always said that my coffee is delicious. He loves my hand made coffee and he loves me. He would never leave me. He had promised not to.

I put the mug on the side opposite mine. I wait for Tora there.

30 minutes.

1 hour.

2 hours.

Beep2. My answering machine rings. I’m too tired to pick up calls.

Beep - “Hello. This is Tora and Saga speaking.” I can hear our voice from the electronic wave. We record this crap for fun. “Ehem. Sorry we’re not home orr.. We’re not in charge, I mean…” “Cut it out Tora!” “Okay! Basically we can’t answer the phone because we’re doing something else, eh…” “TORA!!” “Ouch! Don’t pinch my tummy!” “Sorry, just leave your message here!”-beep.

Ah, that time. I can recall it clearly. We recorded this after having some great time. Giggles can be heard as background music. How I miss that time.

“Moshi-moshi. Saga, this is Shou. Cut it out, Saga. He’s not here anymore. If you’re going to continue your life like this, you won’t work things up. Think clearly and please don’t drop yourself down. You have us. You’re not alone. Don’t put yourself in denial. That’s all I can say so please come to the band’s meeting tomorrow, okay. Bye.”

I sit still on my seat. Who says I’m alone? I’m not alone. I have Tora beside me. Oh, Tora where are you? It’s midnight, why don’t you come home already? Your coffee is getting cold, Tora.

I try to stand on my feet. Head to the phone to pick the message. I know Tora isn’t dead. I know it but why does my brain can’t function healthy?

I know he’s going to finish his half way done song for Alice Nine. I know it but why does my feet keep trembling?

I know he’ll keep his promise for me. He had promised me I could have him all day today. I know it but why I can’t prevent my tears from falling? Why does my stupid barrier destroyed?

I’m crying. My brain refuses my order and it starts to accept the fact that Tora isn’t here anymore. I hate it. I hate facts! My face is all wet with the tears. Soft cry has overflowed into swift fall. I’m crying.

“Help me… Help me Shou, Nao, Pon, anyone… Help me, Tora…”

A year later~

“Tadaima, Tora I’m home…” As usual I ‘m greeted by the darkness of my apartment. No matter how many times I repeat those greetings, Tora never answer me back. Every night I finish my band practice, I always come home with a big hope that Tora will greet me back and we’ll finish our previous song. Even if I know it won’t ever happen.

The song is astonishing. I try hard to learn the melodious guitar parts he and I used to play every previous night. I even add the lyrics. Every time I play the song in the practice room, everyone keeps telling me that the song is wonderful. Shou even asked me why I didn’t use that song for Alice Nine’s new single and why do I always stop it in the middle of the song, to be exact, at the second bridge. The answer is easy, because the song isn’t finish and I’m waiting for Tora to finish it. If I insist to continue the song, I’m afraid I’ll ruin the perfection of the melody and he understands that.

After putting my bass case beside Tora’s guitar, I stride to the kitchen and start pouring two mug of coffee. Tora’s favorite coffee. Carefully I put the mug on my hands and then head to the balcony, set the table for two and sip the warm liquid little by little. The cold breeze of Tokyo’s night air wafts the memories back to my head.

“You have my words and I promise I won’t work this song up tomorrow so you’ll have me all day, Saga.”

Liar.

I wipe my lonely tears out of my face, sip the coffee once again in order to relax my body up. You had lied to me, Tora. You said I have your words but look now, even after one full year, you aren’t here. Every time I sit here, you’ll never here. You aren’t there when I need you.

The more I washed away by the memories, the more I want to jump from this building. I choose not to give up and continue my life so I walk back to my room and leave the cup of coffee there. The glass door separating the room is now closed. I deliberately left the curtain open because only from the inside I can meet Tora again.

Quietly, I can hear some plucking sound of the song I knew very well. Oh, he is there. He has start playing. A wide smile grows on my lips. I look back to the abandoned balcony to see a shadow occupying the empty space.

“Good night, Tora, I’m going to bed first.” I smile. He smiles back.

The serene strum of the beautiful guitar playing echoed through the hazy air. Every time I try to reach him, he would always gone. There is no choice for me but let him be and have his gentle smile from a far. His guitar playing isn’t lacking at all.

Blow me love songs

Waft me love verses

Promise me everything

Everything because only those could hold me still

Everything because only those were left from you

The bedroom still smells like him, and the guitar playing is just… Tora.

~~To No End~~

I mean It ends… Here… TT.TT cant think about any better ending… Sorry… But I actually want to hear *read* your comment ^0^

And oh yeah, the song verses up there, I make it myself.