(no subject)
ok well its been a while and you know what happens when i dont update, i have to bitch, even though im not bitching TO anyone it makes me feel good to just not shut up, and put myself down. so read if you will but you know no ones got a gun to your head forcing you to read my rants. anyway, i was lookin at peoples profiles on myspace, you know, becasue i dont have a life, and this one chick who is about the coolest chick i know, but shes so strait foreward, she doesnt smoke she doesnt have sex, at least as far as i know, she almost never cusses, she loves everything and is always positive, BUT i aw somethin and she went somewhere and had alcohol, now theres nothin wrong with it and it probably wasnt much, but shes got a guy,and all this good stuff, now MY bitching goes toward this WHY THE FUCK DO I SUCK SO MUCH? what in gods name did i do to earn such a shitty life? and YES it is so dont try to tell me its not, and you know seein how much fun everyone can even if their life sucks too, at about 11:10 the first REAL thought of suicide entered my head, becasue i know like 4 people tops outside my family would give a shit everyone else would be like man that sucks and go on. im sick of the world, im tired of being alone, im cant take the anger anymore, i REFUSE to go one medication, and everytime i think i see the faint gleam of light that is hope, it turns out to be my pupils expanding a little more to get used to the darkness that is...? THATS RIGHT my pathetic existance i laughingly refer to as, my life! and anyone who really knows me if you take the time to think, you might actually understand the pain i feel, its more mental than anything, i actually hurt, i can feel it, and its not right, i have NOTHING to look foreward to, theres no one im could get serious with, i dont have enough friends to "party" with, i live with my mom and my sister, and i dont know what im going to do when i get older, i cant take it anymore, try to think of all this at one time while maintaining your sanity and tell me why you would want to live. im missing something, there was actually a time where i was happy, i had everything, i wasnt worried, and then rapidly, everything came crashing down and i lost it all. and the only reason i laugh or smile at school is because im around a few people who can help hide my sadness for a few hours, i still want to quit life, not exactly take it to the extreme of DYING unless its my only way out, but just to not have to worry, but hey a smile is apparently too much to ask for.