Morons (written for sweetlemon111)
Title: Morons
Pairing/Group: Sakuraiba, implied Ohmiya
Rating/Warnings: R (for sexual references), Angst
Summary: Sho thought he was just having a heavenly dream. It turned out he wasn't.
Note: This is for sweetlemon111. I hope you like it!
Some part is Aiba's POV and the other is Sho's POV.
Sho had already forgotten when the last time he had a dream that vivid was. Oh, he surely dreamed about Aiba a lot, but nowadays all of the dream was just a bunch of ruthless nightmares; Aiba turning his back on him, Aiba loathing him, Aiba looking at him with disgusted look. But this? Aiba’s body being pressed closely to his while they’re reaching their orgasm together? No. It’s been years since the last time Sho had the privilege to experience a dream this beautiful. This heavenly.
Sho mentally slapped himself for over thinking. He really didn’t want to activate his brain so much and causing himself to wake up from this blissful fantasy. So he shut his brain down at once, stared deep to Aiba’s hypnotizing aroused face, and shamelessly let multiple lewd voices out from his plump lips instead.
Deep inside all the ultimate pleasure and hazy vision, Sho made a little note to himself.
I have to ask what kind of liquor Jun gave to me earlier. Yeah, I have to.
*******
Sho woke up with a start. His eyes were fixated to naked Aiba who was struggling with his pants, trying to put it on as fast as he could.
“I- I’m sorry Sho. I’m really sorry. It must be because of the alcohol,” Aiba said while jumping on one foot, almost stumbling on his own pants.
Aiba fetched his tousled shirt and put it on with lightning speed, “I’ve been wondering how it feels to do.. umm.. it with a man for some times so.. So I thought it was- uh.. just my imagination.”
Sho’s eyes were still stuck on Aiba, following his every movement. He started to think that he’s still dreaming, but his sore back and Aiba’s nails’ scratches all over his body proved him wrong.
So I.. So we really did it?
The shock was too big for Sho to accommodate it at once. He just had sex with the very man that he’s been in love with since forever and really, the discovery of the eleventh planet would be just a breezing wind compared to this.
Aiba succeeded wrapping himself with his clothes properly. He gave an awkward chuckle and started talking with his hand scratching the back of his head, “Let’s just forget all this, okay? I was stupid and I promise that I won’t do that ever again. Promise. So.. this.. never happened, yeah?”
Sho was a solid statue. He didn’t move even for a mere inch.
He was dazed. He was stunned.
He just had sex with Aiba, and that’s the only thing he had in his head right then.
Aiba nodded slightly, his eyes darted to everywhere but Sho’s naked body, “Then.. I’ll leave now. Don’t worry, it’s.. never happened.”
The sight of Aiba turning around and leaving him snapped the hell out of Sho. The feelings in his heart couldn’t be contained any more. Five years eight months two weeks and five days was already long enough. Too long, even.
He knew he had sworn to himself that he would never - never - tell Aiba about his undying love, but all his sanity crumbled down once he saw Aiba’s back facing at him, ready to leave him there. Alone.
So he jumped and ran towards Aiba. He wrapped his arms around the slender body and with a voice that could be described as terrified and needy, he said, “It happened.. It did.. We- you.. I..,” he stumbled on his own words, internally cursing himself for suddenly became incapable in communicating like a human being. He then lost it entirely, “I love you. Don’t go. Please.”
Aiba didn’t respond. Now it’s his turn to become a solid statue.
Sho hugged Aiba tight as if he was afraid Aiba would disappear if he let go, “I love you. I love you so much.”
*******
Aiba’s brain worked slower than usual. He couldn’t command himself to make a move or even a word. He just stood there, feeling Sho’s warmth enveloped him.
Then, he felt the hug loosened bit by bit until finally Sho’s arms were limp on both of his sides.
“Ah.. Never mind. Yeah, forget it,” Sho said. Aiba could feel Sho’s self-pitying smile without even looking.
“You can... Yeah, you can leave and forget it, I’m sorry. Let’ just forget. Yeah,” Sho mumbled.
Aiba was about to turn and face Sho with questioning look, but Sho’s hand stopped him by his shoulder.
“Just walk on and leave, would you? I’m still.. pretty much naked and I’m sure you wouldn’t like to see it so.. you know where the door is.”
Aiba just nodded and mumbled a short, “I’m going home.”
His brain was really in a bizarre mode. He wasn’t capable of processing anything other than..
Was that his morning wood poking at my thigh?
*******
It took approximately twenty one hours and three soothing showers before Sho could stop cursing himself. There were a thousand storms going on his heart and he had a hard time fighting it down one by one. He was so afraid that Aiba would turn a cold shoulder on him, or even worse - hate him completely by now.
But Sho knew his worry won’t do him any good. He already spilled the beans and that’s it; Aiba already heard it and there’s no way to make it undone. Then, with all the maturity he gained since the first time he admitted to himself that he’s been in love with his best friend, he decided to just act normally. He had to get a hold on the whole situation, to drive it until he’s sure everything’s back to normal.
Because I’m the one who made this mess, right? So the responsibility to make sure that everything’s gonna be alright is mine.
Sho made a bitter smile when he remembered how Aiba was so tensed in his embrace, so rigid like he was touched by a ghost. The image waltzed to his mind so frequently that he thought he would need a new heart soon, since it stings his heart so terribly every time.
Sho shook his head for the last time and wore his best smile. He turned the handle of the green room and beamed while greeting, “Morning, guys!”
He did it just like he always did. He did it perfectly, thanks to his many years spent as a newscaster. He could maintain his smile, he could produce the right amount of laughter on appropriate times, and he could hold himself from running back to the comfort of his room where there’s no Aiba.
Even though he had to refrain from sitting next to Aiba because his face would turn so red if he do so, even though he had to look away and even escape from the scene when Aiba casually changed his clothes, even though his heart was almost always rushing and his eyes were almost always unfocused, he could survive through the day and he’s proud of himself because of that.
Because he did it perfectly and everything’s normal.
Or so he thought.
*******
Aiba spent days just musing over what happened. He observed Sho closely, studying him.
He loves me?
Aiba didn’t know how he felt about Sho’s confession, actually. He didn’t feel disgusted, but not actually happy about it either. He just felt.. amused.
And if he’s amused by the feeling, Aiba was irritated by Sho’s behavior. Sho surely behaved like usual, but something’s still off to Aiba’s eyes and that’s why he felt utterly irritated. Sho was keeping some distance between them, somehow seemed uncomfortable around him, even.
And he said he loves me?
A day passed. Two days passed. Then a week.
Everything’s fine if it was according to outer people, but to Arashi - which already together for countless years - there’s something that was definitely weird and bothersome.
And one day, finally they had enough with those weird and bothersome things.
“The recording is canceled,” Nino grunted when Aiba passed him on the hallway. Jun and Ohno were tailing behind Nino.
“Eh, why?!” Aiba stopped his hurried steps and followed the others back to the entrance.
“Sho kun’s sick. Caught a cold,” Jun grumbled, “Really, what’s wrong with him lately?!”
“Cold?”
“Yeah, that moron forgot to bring his coat yesterday, remember?” Nino snapped, “And remember how he refused to get in to the changing van while we were changing clothes? It was snowing outside, for God’s sake!”
Aiba froze. Yeah, he remembered that. He was sure Sho refused to get in the changing van because he was there. Because he was changing his clothes there.
Damn that idiot.
Aiba turned on his heels and stomped to his car without a word.
“Tell him I hate him!” was the last that Aiba could hear from Jun.
*******
“What are you doing here? How-,” Sho’s headache vanished as soon as he saw Aiba entering his room.
“Your manager let me in. He’s gone now,” Aiba sighed. He sat on the edge of Sho’s bed and folded his arms in front of his chest, “Stop this, Sho chan.”
“Stop what?” Sho suddenly felt bad. And no, it was not because of his fever. He already predicted this time will come actually; the time when Aiba would corner him and talk about the thing he really didn’t want to bring up ever again.
“Acting strange.”
“No, I’m not,” Sho’s self-defense was faster than his logic. But well, he really thought he was not acting strange, though.
“Yes, you are. That’s why now you’re here and we’re not recording. Say, do you really love me, hm?”
Sho didn’t answer directly. He froze. His brain frantically searched for an answer for that question. But the answer was only one and it was obvious. So he turned his head away, gazed to some random point on the wall with defeated eyes, then whispered, “Yeah.”
It might be easier to tell lies, but he could never lie to this very man in front of him.
“And is that the reason why you’ve been keeping distance between us, zoning out so much, and - heck - even refusing to share a changing room with me? Is that it?”
Sho’s mind wandered to several times when he had to save himself from seeing Aiba showcasing his mouthwatering body.
Of course he couldn’t share a changing room with Aiba. Not when the image of Aiba moaning lewdly on top of him kept reappearing every time Aiba revealed a little too much skin.
Sho gritted his teeth and with a reddened face he snapped, “Because after we did that it becomes so hard to control myself when I’m around you, let alone seeing you undress yourself!” Sho still refused to look at Aiba’s direction, “And no, I’m not zoning out so much.”
An agonizing silence almost killed Sho. Aiba just sat there and stared at Sho.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’ve been in love with you for years now, you see. It’s hard for me,” Sho grumbled. He pouted. He wished that the earth would swallow him right there and then.
But he was glad that his wish wasn’t granted. Because the next thing that happened felt like heaven to him.
*******
Aiba was still a little bit irritated but he’s softened a bit after hearing such honest and desperate confession from Sho. He mulled for a moment.
He’s really a desperate man in love, hm? A desperate man in love with me.
Aiba was considering the whole situation in his head. And because Aiba was Aiba, and he had this strange mechanism of thinking inside that silly head of his, of course he came up with the most bizarre solution for all this mess.
Should I just date him then? But I’m a man. He’s a man. And I’m pretty sure that I love a good pair of boobs.
He had an internal fight with himself. He rubbed his face roughly with the palm of his hands.
But this can’t continue. He’s a mess. And he’s in love with me. And I don’t hate him - he’s Sho! And... yeah.. the sex was good. No, scratch it, the sex was fantastic.
Aiba felt like he could explode any time soon. Logical thinking and decision making were never his strong point. Not even once.
But he was Aiba. His adventurous and daring side always won everything.
So with a low grunt he said, “Argh, fine!” and he crawled to Sho’s side, lying close to the sick man and tugging Sho to face him.
Two seconds later, their lips crashed to each other.
Aiba could feel Sho was tensing against him. He broke the kiss and said, “We’re dating now. So cut all the weird things, okay?”
*******
It took another twenty one hours for Sho to realize that Aiba just agreed to date him because he had to.
Yeah, Aiba was smiling and giggling through that twenty one hours he spent in Sho’s apartment as his new boyfriend - they even had another round of earth-shattering sex - but that was it. They were still pretty much just friends inside. Sho couldn’t feel even a tiny hint of love for him from Aiba.
And it hurts him more than not owning Aiba at all.
“What?” Aiba chuckled when he caught Sho staring at him so deeply.
“Ah, no,” Sho smiled. He caressed Aiba’s cheek softly. Something that he wanted to do for as long as he could remember.
“Hey, Sho kun. What do we do when two guys dating? Do we go to movies? Or we hang around here and watch baseball games or something?” Aiba’s eyes were sparkling.
Sho smiled again. More bitterly now. He knew Aiba all too well to recognize that the sparkle was not because of love, it was the sparkle he had for an experiment. For new things.
And that’s me for him. An experiment. Another exciting ride to experience.
If Sho was in his right mind, he would end everything at once. But he had been wanting this - Aiba as his boyfriend - for so long that the idea of ruining it made him feel a sharp pain in his chest. For this once, he wanted to be egoist. Just this once.
I’ll let him go once he wants me to set him free. But now.. let me have him for a while. That’s not too much, ne, God?
He pulled Aiba closer to his body and hugged him tight. He kissed Aiba’s eye softly and whispered, “I love you, Masaki.”
Aiba chuckled, “Yeah, I know that already.”
He reached behind Sho to pat his back several times. A friendly kind of pat.
“So, what do we do when we’re dating, hm?” his tone was so excited, no trace of sentiment given for Sho’s few sincere words a moment ago. The tone was so enthusiastic that Sho almost cried silently for it.
*******
Aiba might look like he was reluctant at first, like he had no option but to do it, but he enjoyed every single second he spent with Sho as his boyfriend. He had fun. The relationship gave a whole new kind of experience for him and it was good. It was thrilling.
Aiba relished the way Sho took care of him. At first, he thought the relationship would be just about physical needs - not that he’s complaining about that - but it turned out that there’s so much more in it. Sho was so gentle, Sho was so attentive, Sho treasured him, Sho spoiled him. And, hell, who would complain when he’s been treated like a noble?
In no time, Aiba had adjusted completely in his role as Sho’s boyfriend. He’d grown accustomed to the sight of Sho in his apartment, cooking even though he was a hopeless in the kitchen. Habituated to Sho’s gentle touch and husky ‘I love you’s. Got completely used to Sho nurturing him.
“I’m glad I decided to date you, Sho chan~” Aiba chirped one morning while draping himself to Sho’s back.
Sho stopped reading his newspaper but didn’t put it down. He just held the newspaper there.
“This whole dating thing is the best crazy thing I’ve done so far!” Aiba giggled and walked away to take his morning shower.
He meant no harm, of course. He just said what he had in mind.
And of course he didn’t mean to miss Sho’s saddened slump right after that.
*******
Sho held his head. He had a sudden headache. ‘Crazy’ didn’t sound so good at all to his ears. He’s a serious person; he gave his all, and amongst all other important things in his life, Aiba was there at the top five. Along with Arashi, his own self, and his family.
And to him, everything is just a crazy thing. Who am I trying to ridicule, now? Of course it’s just another crazy thing in his life.
Sho sighed deeply. He was glad he had enough brain to make a decision to spend all his ‘lovey dovey’ time at Aiba’s apartment rather than his. So when the time has come, when Aiba said that he had enough of all this ‘madness’ and he wanted his ‘normal’ life back, he wouldn’t be tortured with all the memories he had in his own home.
The first two nights spent there would be more than enough to make him weep and writhed in pain later when Aiba left him. He was sure about that.
Sho stood up. Suddenly he felt an unstoppable desire in him. The desire to hold Aiba so close. The desire to prove to himself that Aiba was his. At least for that moment. Even if it’s just his body and not his heart.
Sho stepped inside the bathroom. He didn’t care about the fact that he’s still fully clothed. He wrapped himself around Aiba who was in the middle of his shower, caressing and stroking Aiba’s body wantonly. His eyes were dark in desperate need and pained heart.
Aiba giggled groggily, “Hey, Sho chan, your clothes will get wet!”
Sho didn’t care. He didn’t care at all.
“We just did this earlier, you pervert!” Aiba laughed. But he turned to face Sho and circled his long slender arms to Sho’s neck.
“Fine, fine. You’ll never have enough of it, will you?” he laughed some more and started to kiss Sho’s lips eagerly.
Yeah, I will never had enough of it, Aiba chan. Never. Because what I need is not your body, it’s your heart.
*******
One of a million good things of being a member of Arashi was that they could bear with any absurdity of Aiba. They didn’t judge, they played along instead.
As long as it was harmless - or at least, not lethal.
So when one day Ohno got just the two of them and talked with a very serious, leader-like tone, he should have known that something has crossed the line. But Aiba was in his comfort zone. He believed everything was just fine, so he missed the whole point in a whim.
“Listen, Aiba chan, I want to talk about Sho kun,” Ohno started straight.
“Hm yeah, my boyfriend, what about him?” Aiba asked with his trademark giggly voice.
“Do you really love him?”
“Duh, he’s my boyfriend!” Aiba rolled his eyes and laughed some more.
Ohno knew Aiba didn’t take this as seriously as he wanted him to, “I’m serious, Aiba chan. He really loves you, so it will be just a pain in his side if you’re just messing around with him. And maybe he’s already pained without you even realizing about it.”
Aiba stopped munching his snack and giggling, “Pained? But-”
“Listen to me carefully, if you don’t love him, leave him at once. Don’t prolong his suffering. Even if he looks like he’s fine, I know he’s tortured inside,” Ohno said with all of his seriousness, something that’s really rare to show up, “But if you do love him, take care of him nicely, okay? You know what they said; you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. So please, figure it out. The only one who has the knowledge of your own heart is you so.. yeah..”
Aiba stayed silent for two seconds, but then he returned to his giggling frenzy, “What are you talking about, Riida? We’re fine! Everything’s fine so chill, okay?”
Ohno sighed to the respond. He knew Aiba really didn’t get it, but he’s not a man who’s good at explaining, so he just patted Aiba on his back and huffed, “Well, I hope it will always stay fine.”
Then he left Aiba alone to ponder with himself.
At least a question stuck in Aiba’s head afterward.
Do I love him?
The question only lasted for a mere minute, though.
*******
“Sho chan, let’s go,” Aiba reached for Sho’s hand and tugged him forward.
Sho’s heart skipped a beat.
Has he ever walk with me hand in hand like this?
His face blushed. He really liked it, having Aiba’s hand enveloped his with all of its warmth. But he pulled his hand away at some point.
I don’t know when all of this heaven will come to an end, so it’d be better to not make it any harder, right?
Aiba turned to face him with a puzzled look, “What’s the matter?”
“Ah, no. Let’s go,” Sho smiled.
They walked inside the hospital with flowers in hand. Aiba’s relative just gave birth and his Mom told him to pay a short visit.
Actually, Sho was somehow delighted that Aiba asked Sho to accompany him. It made him felt acknowledged. Accepted.
Once they reached the room, all the scenes felt surreal to Sho. Aiba introduced him briefly as ‘Sho’ - because who in Japan doesn’t know Sho - then Aiba came to the newborn baby and held him carefully to his chest, gazing softly and looking happy.
Sho smiled. The scene was so perfect. So fitted. It was so right that it sliced his heart to tiny pieces of nothingness.
Sho always thought that Aiba was a perfect man to be a father. That’s why he had already prepared his heart, knowing that someday Aiba would marry a girl and have adorable kids that would call him ‘Oji chan’. But now that Aiba was his boyfriend, all the preparation felt like nothing at all. His chest almost exploded just by imagining that the baby on Aiba’s hands was Aiba’s son.
That was the exact time when Sho decided that he must end all of it. He must set Aiba free. For Aiba’s happiness. For Aiba’s future.
Sho closed his eyes to gather enough power to endure this just a bit longer. He smiled and turned to one of Aiba’s relative just to get his eyes off of the very man that he’s about to leave.
*******
Aiba gave the baby back to the mother. He gave some congratulatory words and scanned the room to search for Sho. He was worried that Sho would feel out of place, being surrounded by strangers.
After the short conversation with Ohno, Aiba became more considerate to Sho. He didn’t do it on purpose, but being told that Sho might be hurting while he’s with him made Aiba naturally wanted to prove that wrong.
All in all, he became more aware of his position as a boyfriend.
When he found Sho was chatting with one of his female relatives - the young, single, and pretty one - his worry fled out of the window. He disliked the sight.
Before his brain could process anything, Aiba linked his arm to Sho’s and leaned his body to Sho’s closely. Too close for a comfort.
“We’re going home. Right, Sho chan?” Aiba sounded so spoiled that he wouldn’t admit that it was him who was talking.
“Hm? Already?” Sho who seemed more confused about Aiba’s sudden clingy attitude than the fact that they’re leaving asked.
“Yeah, you have work tonight, right? I don’t want you to be too tired,” Aiba gave a triumphant glance to the female relative who stared at them with embarrassed blush on her face, “Alright, everyone, we’re leaving. Congratulations for the baby!”
Aiba dragged Sho away by his hand, a smug face displayed.
Sho is mine, lady. Mine.
*******
Sho looked at Aiba who was sleeping peacefully. He covered Aiba’s naked shoulder with the fluffy blanket. He swept his fingers through Aiba’s hair, revealing Aiba’s face.
Sho smiled. He kissed Aiba’s forehead softly. He had resolved to leave Aiba that night and end everything the next morning. Maybe a short ’I’m breaking up with you’ will do but maybe it won’t, he had no idea yet. He planned to think about it once he’s home, where there’s no Aiba to shrink his determination.
He stood up, careful not to wake Aiba, and took his clothes from the floor. He dressed up slowly, as if he wanted the moment to last.
Sho heaved a sigh when he already put on every piece of clothing he had. He gazed at the sleeping man fondly. He bent down and kissed the forehead once again.
“Sleep well, love,” he whispered before he turned around and walked away.
“Sho chan?” Aiba called out. Apparently, he had woken up by Sho’s steps.
Sho stopped his steps but didn’t turn back, “Hm?”
“Are you leaving?” Aiba asked. Sho could hear him sitting up and rubbing his eyes with his fingers.
“Yeah..”
There’s approximately three seconds of silence, then Aiba was wrapped around Sho’s body.
“Don’t leave, Sho chan,” Aiba whined, “Stay for tonight, okay?”
“I ca-“
“But it’s cold,” Aiba cut it short, “hug me to sleep, okay? Sho chan is warm. I like warm.”
When Sho let himself being led back to the bed, he knew that he had been defeated again. He knew leaving Aiba just became almost impossible to do.
But well, universe surely had another plan for both of them.
*******
A short message received and Sho knew it would not be good hereafter.
‘Where are you, Sakurai san? Johnny san is looking for you. I’ll pick you up.’
The appearance of the mighty Kitagawa’s name activated his whole brain at once.
‘He’s furious, Sakurai san. Where are you?’
Sho was glad that he already wore his whole clothing before he climbed back to the bed earlier. He stood up, took his coat and gazed to Aiba for the last time.
‘Sakurai san, don’t give me a heart attack.’
He extinguished any desire to hold Aiba once again and fled to his car.
He’s going to regret leaving Aiba without proper goodbye.
*******
Several photographs spread on the table. Sho and Aiba holding hands in hospital was the object.
Sho understood the circumstances without explanation.
He’s doomed.
“No romantic relationship, Sakurai kun. What part of it don’t you understand?”
Sho kept silence.
“With girls, it would be easy to handle. But with a guy? And your band mate, of all people? Two of my boys were involved in this mess? Give me a break.”
Sho lowered his head. He bit his lips.
“Don’t make me lose one of my precious boys, Sakurai kun. You know what I mean. It’s a pity if Arashi lost its rapper or its sunshine.”
Sho looked up. Eyes widened. His heart went frantic.
“He’s not at fault. It was me. Me.”
Yeah, he doesn’t even love me. He just had to do it because I’m lame at maintaining my feelings.
His chest was burning as his heart cracked and crumbled. The words he’s about to say were so bitter that it made his tongue numb even before actually saying it, “We- we’ll end it. We’ll break up. Really. Promise. Just.. just don’t do it to him. Leave him alone.”
The old man smirked.
Sho could only agree to whatever he said after wards.
*******
Aiba woke up alone.
He whined, clearly was not pleased with the solitude.
He walked to the kitchen and found nothing at all - no burnt toast, no ugly pancakes, no whatsoever. Aiba found it strange. He took his cell phone and dialed Sho’s number, prepared to scold the older if he answered.
But Sho didn’t answer. The phone was turned off to be exact.
An ugly feeling crept to Aiba’s spine, but he shook it off immediately.
Maybe he has a meeting about Zero or something.
He shrugged then proceeded to start his life that day.
*******
Aiba gazed at his cellphone screen when it’s the third time he failed to call Sho that day.
He was not a calling type of boyfriend usually, but he suddenly had the urge to hear Sho’s voice, demanding an explanation of his leave without notice.
“Manager san, you have Sho’s schedule for today?” Aiba poked his manager.
“He’s free today.”
A chill went down Aiba’s neck, “Free? Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure. Want me to check on his manager?”
“Ah, you can do that? Yes, please. I just want to.. know where Sho is,” Aiba gave sheepish smile despite his suddenly pale face.
The manager smirked knowingly and typed on his phone. Not so long after that, a beep heard.
“Ah, he’s out of town, going to be there until the filming of his newest drama is over,” the manager furrowed his brows, “That’s weird. As far as I know the filming won’t be started until next week.”
Aiba held his breath.
What’s this? I don’t remember he talked about this to me.
“But.. we have some shared schedule, right?”
The manager flipped through his book and checked thoroughly, “Nope. All regular shows are already taped and all photo sessions with Sakurai san are... canceled. I have the notice this morning.”
Aiba could sense that something was wrong. He suddenly felt afraid. Terrified.
The manager seemed to notice Aiba’s change of expression. He patted Aiba’s shoulder softly and consoled him, “Don’t worry, Aiba san. It’s probably just another bizarre demand from the higher ups and he’s too busy to let you know.”
Aiba could only manage a smile, “Yeah. It’s probably it.”
Maybe I’m just overreacting. Yeah. Maybe.
*******
“Tadaima..,” Aiba whispered tiredly to the empty apartment.
It felt so weird to come home alone, without Sho barging in right after him with his deep voice and explosive laughter. It’s just been around two months since he agreed to be Sho’s boyfriend, and it’s the first time he felt so lost. So lonely.
He clutched his cellphone, contemplating between trying his luck on calling Sho again or not. The more he thought about it, the more he hated himself for it.
I’m really overreacting. He’s working, Aiba! Get a hold of yourself!
He decided to not give it a shot.
He strolled to his bed and inhaled the remaining scent of Sho instead.
*******
“Hngh... Hello?” Aiba didn’t even bother to look at the screen when he picked up the phone. He was asleep already.
“Aiba chan, are you already asleep?” a familiar husky voice welcomed Aiba from the other end of the line.
“Sho chan?” Aiba opened his eyes wide. He automatically grabbed his plushie tighter. He felt relieved beyond believe, like a huge stone just being lifted from his chest.
Aiba smiled, snuggled more comfortably to his pillow, and mocked an audible pout, “Why didn’t you tell me about Osaka, hm?”
“Ah... yeah, I’m sorry,” Sho sounded troubled, “Aiba chan, we... we need to talk. Are you awake enough?”
Aiba’s smile was still there, he felt like he could face anything now, “Yeah.”
“We...,” Sho paused.
“Yeah?”
Sho sighed before he continued, “Let’s... break up. Let’s end it, yeah?”
Aiba couldn’t process it.
“Our photo when we’re in hospital is leaked. Johnny san already handled it but he’s not happy about it so... yeah...”
Aiba still couldn’t digest it.
“And well... I know you’re not even love me in the first place,” Sho huffed a self pitying laugh, “So, now you can go back to your normal life, no need to feel obliged about me anymore.”
Aiba’s brain was still empty and frozen.
“Aiba chan?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll stay here for few weeks. I hope when we meet again we can be like we used to,” Sho paused again like there was something that keeping him from talking.
He then took a deep breath, “Thanks for this wonderful chance you gave to me, Aiba chan.”
Aiba’s whole being short circuited. He could only manage a short syllable, “Hn.”
“Ah.. hm.. alright, then. Till we meet again, okay? As friends.”
“Hn,” the same short syllable repeated mindlessly.
“Aiba chan..”
“Hn?”
“Allow me to say this for the last time, okay?” Sho sounded like he’s about to burst to tears, “I love you.”
“Hn.”
“Ja, I’m hanging up.”
The connection was already terminated but Aiba didn’t move to put his cellphone away from his ears. He stared blankly to the roof, his body was as still as a rock.
We’ve broken up? It’s done?
I don’t love him?
He didn’t sure about the answer right then, but he surely had a hole in his heart.
And it’s painful.
*******
Aiba slightly hoped that the phone call was just an unpleasant dream he had, but a string of emails in his phone served as a solid proof that it was not a dream.
From: Sho chan
Subject: Sorry
Sorry to end it all by phone like this, Aiba chan.
From: Sho chan
Subject: Sorry
I’m sorry for leaving you without notice too.
From: Sho chan
Subject: It’s Johnny san’s
It’s not because I don’t love you. Really. But Johnny san was really mad about us that he threatened to expel one of us if he ever caught a glance of us being closer than a friend again. An affair is alright, but you and I being both guys are unacceptable apparently.
So this is really the best for us.
From: Sho chan
Subject: I’m silly. I’m sorry.
Silly me for making excuses. I just feel like I have to explain it all to you but I bet you don’t need it. Because I know you’re happy for this instead. Congratulations, Aiba chan. You’re free to lead your normal life again now.
From: Sho chan
Subject: Sorry. Again.
I’m sorry to drag you into this. I’m sorry I made you had no option but dating me. But it’s all done now. You’re a free man again.
We’re better off this way.
From: Sho chan
Subject: Please.
Could you do me a favor, Aiba chan? Don’t ever talk about this again, okay? Don’t even reply any of my emails earlier.
I promise you, this is the last time you’ll hear from me about this either.
You’re a straight man, I’m your band mate, and we’re friends. That’s it.
Bye.
And that was it.
Aiba scrolled his phone desperately for more but that really was it.
Aiba slumped. There’s an empty space in his heart.
Yeah, I’m straight. Yeah, I don’t love him. Yeah, it’s done. Yeah.
*******
“Aiba san, you’re free after lunch today. You’ll have enough time to go to Osaka if you want to,” Aiba’s manager suggested.
“What for?” Aiba asked with a hint of bitterness.
“Eh? I think you want to.. uh.. meet Sakurai san.”
“We’ve broken up, if that’s what you’re trying to imply.”
“Hah?!”
“Yup. I’m a straight man, Manager san. Remember?” Aiba’s eyes were dark and empty as he spitted it out. But the next second, he’s back to his usual cheerful self.
He’s just so lost and unfocused that day. Not sad or brokenhearted, just lost and unfocused.
Yeah, sure.
*******
Aiba was a soulless rag doll when he walked to his usual bar that night. He spent the night like it’s the last night he had on earth; drinking, hitting on some chicks, howling, dancing.
I’m a free man. I’m a free man.
He kept chanting the four words in his head as if it was a spell that kept him from dying.
He was alone, not with Nino or Ohno like always. Not even with Jun. A part of his subconscious prevented him from contacting his best friends. He just wanted to be surrounded by strangers.
It wasn’t hard for him to get drunk, it’s even easier for him to get himself a willing hot chick one after another on his lap. He’s an idol, after all, it was never that hard for him.
When he found a girl his type who was practically rubbing herself to him, Aiba decided to let all hell loose. He dragged her to the closest love hotel, didn’t really care about the probability of paparazzi finding him out with an unknown girl attached like a mollusk.
At least it’s a girl, right? That’s what they care about, right? As long as it’s a girl. And not a guy. And not Sho. Sho..
Anger bubbled up and filled his body. He pushed the girl to the bed, straddling her and kissing her hungrily. He earned sexy moans from the girl, but he didn’t feel satisfied by it. He groped, he sucked, he stripped. He did all the things that he remembered he always did before that one night with Sho.
But nothing felt the same again. It felt flat. It felt wrong. It’s not even arousing. Not even the girl wrapped her pretty fingers around his reluctant semi hard member.
It just felt different for Aiba. Different.
Because it was not Sho’s gentle caress. It was not Sho’s cautious arms navigating on his body. It was not Sho’s deep and sultry moans. It was not Sho chanting ‘I love you’s repeatedly. It was not Sho who he held so close.
It was. Not. Sho.
Aiba really took his defeat when his cock twitched. Not because the girl’s skillful fingers. No.
It was because the thoughts of Sho invaded his brain like some kind of disease.
And he just realized that he didn’t want to be cured.
I love Sho. I love him. I LOVE HIM, GODDAMNIT!
He rolled away from the girl’s body. He lay himself on the bed, arm covering his eyes.
“Get out.”
“What?” the girl was - of course - confused by the sudden command in the middle of their sexy session.
“You hear me. Get the hell out of here.”
“But-”
“GET OUT!” Aiba screamed. His face red and his eyes glassy.
The girl stormed out. Terrified, angry, and confused.
Yeah; terrified, angry, and confused. Just like Aiba himself.
There and then, when he finally accepted the truth, he let his heartbroken feeling seeped entirely. It felt agonizing, harrowing, despairing. More than he ever felt.
He cried. And cried. And cried.
Alone in the middle of a love hotel room.
I’m pathetic. Pathetic.
He just admitted that he’s in love. But his love was already out of reach. Their relationship was already a sealed case. It was already judged as impossible. It was already withered. Kept inside a chained box that was labeled as ‘the past’.
All new acknowledged feelings were stabbing him right where it hurts. Slicing, piercing, and chopping.
He felt like a little kid who just found what he wanted to wish to Santa, but in the same time being told that Santa was just a myth. There’s no Santa. There’s no wish. There’s no anything at all.
He knew he couldn’t bear it alone. He knew it would be too much. Especially when everything was already a closed book. So he took his phone and called for the ones who knows him the most. More than he himself.
*******
“Do you know that you are the most idiot man I’ve ever met, Aiba chan?!” Nino scolded him. He paced back and forth in that tiny love hotel room with arms folded on his chest. He seemed upset.
He’s always upset when Aiba did something that hurt himself.
“I don’t- I just-” Aiba tried to answer but his own sob was on the way.
Ohno hushed him and patted him, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Aiba was really grateful that Ohno didn’t say ‘told you’ with a smug face. Because, really, he could drown in his own tears if Ohno did.
“I didn’t realize. I.. He.. He suddenly ended it all. End it all. And I.. I just.. I just realize that I..”
“Breathe, Aiba chan,” Ohno whispered.
“That you what? That you love him?! Gosh, you are hopeless, Aiba chan. Hopeless. Geez,” Nino snapped.
“But it’s all too late now,” Aiba whispered and buried his face to Ohno’s shoulder.
“Hopeless,” Nino hissed.
“And he’s not the only one who’s hopeless here, Nino kun. Read,” Jun gave Aiba’s cellphone to him and revealed Sho’s latest emails.
Nino read it and his eyes widened after every email.
“What the- Idiot!” Nino threw the phone to the bed, “So this is why you are saying that you and him together is an impossible thing, hah?!”
Ohno asked an explanation without a word, just gazing.
“Johnny san,” Jun explained efficiently.
“It is impossible. No. I can’t afford Arashi being torn apart. No.”
“Who do you think we are, hah?! Weak flowers by the street side or something?!” Nino clicked his tongue exasperatedly and left the scene with hurried steps.
“Idiots!” was his last words.
Jun tailed closely behind Nino, shaking his head.
“Yeah, I am an idiot,” Aiba mumbled, “Say, Riida, how could I face him after this? Acting cool like nothing happened? I don’t trust myself enough to believe that it will work.”
..he threatened to expelled one of us if he ever caught a glance of us being closer than a friend again..
Aiba’s heart was scorched. He couldn’t afford the risk of breaking Arashi apart, but he also didn’t know if he can make it.
And having Sho around but not able to touch him or taking care of him was a hell. Even when it’s just him imagining it.
“I’m a mess, Riida. I’m an idiot.”
“Yes, you are,” Ohno mumbled, “But we already have geniuses around us so it’s okay. It’s alright.”
Aiba couldn’t fathom Ohno’s words by then but he didn’t care.
He just had a taste of impossible love.
And he was pretty sure that it was the most excruciating torture ever existed in this world.
*******
Sho held his cellphone all the time like it was a lifeline. He checked every minute desperately, hoping that Aiba would reply him. Again. With more words than just a mere ‘Alright’.
Because he was not alright. Not at all.
Sho had a week to spend just for himself at Osaka. Without work, just memorizing script that he already read for a thousand times.
‘Time will heal,’ the old man’s words resounded in his head. He tsked at that. He tsked really hard.
It was not true to him. Because every second he spent without Aiba beside him just made him longing for the taller man more.
His brain stubbornly waltzed back to Aiba even though he tried hard not to think about him. His mind always ventured back to Aiba. To his fresh giggle, to his long arms, to his beautiful eyes, to his wholehearted attitude.
His thumb hovered on the green button. He really wanted to just press it and hear Aiba’s voice.
But he couldn’t. Not because it was wrong, but because he was sure that Aiba wouldn’t like it.
He’s a free man now, Sho. There’s a good chance that he’s enjoying his time with some sexy chicks now. He’s not even trying to contact you, he must be happy now!
The thought was so venomous that he didn’t have enough strength to lift his body up and walk the day.
He just slumped there on the nice hotel’s floor, feeling his desire to live slowly vaporized to the air.
Inch by agonizing inch. Second by torturing second.
The trail of dried tears by the side of his face didn’t bother him. It would be wet again by fresh tears in no time after all.
He bitterly smirked every once in a while. Pitying himself for falling down this hard.
You know he doesn’t love you from the start, you idiot! What do you expect?! It’s a good thing that someone finally stated that it’s impossible. Im. po. ssi. fucking. ble.
New drop of tears glided on his cheeks again. A little squeak escaped his throat.
“Sakurai san,” a knock on the door interrupted his mourning time. It was his manager.
“Sakurai san, are you okay? You haven’t eaten yet since yesterday.”
“I’m fine,” Sho shouted. But his voice betrayed him. It was croaked and raspy and not fine at all.
“Sakurai san please come out, I beg you.”
“I’m fine. Just- just leave me alone,” Sho pleaded.
“Sakurai Sho, you come out or I’ll break the hell out of this door and drag you out with my own hands. Your choice.”
Sho jerked up. It was Jun.
“You have three seconds. Three..,” Jun counted down.
“Leave me alone, Jun!”
“Two..”
Sho knew Jun never gave him bullshit, “For the love of God, leave me alone!”
“One.. Get out of the wa-”
Sho opened the door in time. His eyes were swollen and his face was an absolute mess.
“Hopeless,” Jun shook his head and dragged Sho out by his wrist.
“What? Where are we go-”
“Shut up, you moron. Morons are not allowed to talk.”
Sho gaped. But he swallowed his protest.
Yeah, I’m a moron. A moron for hoping that Aiba would love me back. A moron for dreaming that it would be possible.
*******
“What are we doing here?” Sho started to panic when Jun turned to Aiba’s apartment complex.
“Me? I’m helping you. And you? You’re going to stop being an air head,” Jun said and parked smoothly. He got down and opened Sho’s door and dragged him again.
Sho was resisting.
“Stop being so loud or I’ll stop being so nice,” Jun said with his sharp eyes piercing right through Sho’s.
Sho grunted, “Explain this first, Jun.”
“No. Come on,” Jun pulled Sho with more strength.
When they’re arrived in front of Aiba’s door, Jun stopped and turned to face Sho, “Be quiet. Now, the key, please.”
Sho was dazed. He didn’t know what’s going on. But he fished the spare key he had in his pocket and gave it to Jun, “Stop it, Jun. He’s probably with someone now.”
“Oh yeah, he is. And that’s what you’re about to encounter now.”
Sho’s heart burnt. The image of Aiba with someone else was enough to make him lost his focus.
They stepped to the living room and Nino was there. He pointed to Aiba’s room with his chin.
Jun pulled Sho until he was in front of Aiba’s bedroom’s door which was slightly opened.
“I’ve never been in love this deep,” Aiba’s voice was heard.
Sho clutched his chest.
So he is indeed with someone. In love with someone.
“I love him, Riida.”
Wait, ‘him’?
Sho felt a thousand of tiny needles being poured to his heart.
So he’s in love with a man now. Another man.
Sho turned on his heels and prepared to escape. But Nino and Jun held him tight.
“Moron,” Nino grumbled.
“I love Sho chan, Riida. I love him,” now Sho could hear the sob that was decorating Aiba’s voice.
Sho froze.
Sho chan? Me?
“See? You’re a moron,” Nino hissed, “He’s miserably in love with you. He’s been crying since yesterday, for God’s sake!”
Sho felt a weird lump forming in his throat.
He was happy. But the happiness was quickly diminished. The sadness and helpless feeling swarmed.
“It’s.. impossible.”
“Gah!” Jun held his twitching head. “Answer me, do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Then go and stop his unlimited tears now.”
“But-”
Nino tsked, “He’s been with Oh chan for more than 24 hours now. Weeping on his shoulder. How long do you think it will take until he’s in love with Oh chan and not with you?”
Sho’s eyes widened.
“Oh chan is not a picky man as far as I know,” Nino added, “And if you think you’re great in bed, he’s better. Oh, I can assure you that.”
Jun gave disapproving grunt to Nino but he continued anyway.
“And he absolutely has no concept of impossible. He would fight for anything he wants,” Jun said, “Well, if you really love someone, finding a way would not be so hard, right? If you really love someone, that is.”
And that was it.
Sho barged through the door and took Aiba in his embrace. He kissed Aiba’s top of the head. Inhaled him deeply like Aiba was a drug and he was addicted to it.
“Sho cha-”
“I love you,” Sho cut it short.
Aiba was still for few seconds, but then he hugged back tightly, “I love you too, Sho chan.”
“Let’s not break up?”
“But it’s-”
“We’ll find a way out. I love you,” Sho said without hesitation.
Yeah, I love him. Anything would be fine as long as I have him.
“Expelled or anything, I don’t care. As long as I love you and you love me back.”
“Sho chan..,” Aiba sounded not sure.
“We’ll face this together, you and me, okay?” Sho wasn’t sure of what he’s going to do. The only thing that he was sure of was he didn’t want to lose Aiba. No matter what.
Especially now that Aiba loves him back.
Aiba nodded, “Yeah.. Yeah, Sho chan. Let’s face it together. Expelled or anything.. yeah.”
“Argh, this old men, really.. argh!” Nino grunted. His stubby hands flew everywhere, “You guys are blind or what, huh?!”
Sho and Aiba looked up in confusion.
“The world is not just the two of you, morons,” Jun pushed Sho’s shoulder, “You guys have us, do you forget about that fact or what?”
Sho processed the sentences slowly. He then sulked.
“I’m sorry. Yeah.. we should think about you guys too. I know it might be bad for Arashi but.. but I lo-”
Ohno snorted a laughter. Sho was obviously taking the scold in the wrong way.
“Idiots,” Jun and Nino breathed out almost at the same time.
“They are really hopeless. Dumb and dumbest. Let’s just leave them here before their stupidity infected us,” Nino walked away just like that.
Jun followed with a huff.
Ohno chuckled. He stood up and patted both Aiba and Sho.
“Do you think Johnny san would like it if the whole Arashi resigned? Because that’s what would happen if one of you got expelled.”
“Hah?” Aiba and Sho gaped.
“We’re one family. Those kids earlier might sounded like two short fused brats, but they already went to Johnny san to settle all of this,” Ohno smirked.
“Now go make out, have some sex, or anything. Be happy,” Ohno proceeded to walk out, “Just don’t forget us like that ever again, morons.”
The sound of the main door being closed snapped them back to reality.
Aiba and Sho looked at each other, smiled, and laughed.
“We’re morons.”
“Yeah, we are.”
“But we have them so it’s okay.”
“Yeah.”
“And we have each other so it’s okay.”
“Yeah.”
“And I love you and you love me so it’s okay.”
“Yeah.”
“We’re morons,” Aiba giggled away the last syllable and shut it up completely by crashing his mouth to Sho’s.
Pairing/Group: Sakuraiba, implied Ohmiya
Rating/Warnings: R (for sexual references), Angst
Summary: Sho thought he was just having a heavenly dream. It turned out he wasn't.
Note: This is for sweetlemon111. I hope you like it!
Some part is Aiba's POV and the other is Sho's POV.
Sho had already forgotten when the last time he had a dream that vivid was. Oh, he surely dreamed about Aiba a lot, but nowadays all of the dream was just a bunch of ruthless nightmares; Aiba turning his back on him, Aiba loathing him, Aiba looking at him with disgusted look. But this? Aiba’s body being pressed closely to his while they’re reaching their orgasm together? No. It’s been years since the last time Sho had the privilege to experience a dream this beautiful. This heavenly.
Sho mentally slapped himself for over thinking. He really didn’t want to activate his brain so much and causing himself to wake up from this blissful fantasy. So he shut his brain down at once, stared deep to Aiba’s hypnotizing aroused face, and shamelessly let multiple lewd voices out from his plump lips instead.
Deep inside all the ultimate pleasure and hazy vision, Sho made a little note to himself.
I have to ask what kind of liquor Jun gave to me earlier. Yeah, I have to.
*******
Sho woke up with a start. His eyes were fixated to naked Aiba who was struggling with his pants, trying to put it on as fast as he could.
“I- I’m sorry Sho. I’m really sorry. It must be because of the alcohol,” Aiba said while jumping on one foot, almost stumbling on his own pants.
Aiba fetched his tousled shirt and put it on with lightning speed, “I’ve been wondering how it feels to do.. umm.. it with a man for some times so.. So I thought it was- uh.. just my imagination.”
Sho’s eyes were still stuck on Aiba, following his every movement. He started to think that he’s still dreaming, but his sore back and Aiba’s nails’ scratches all over his body proved him wrong.
So I.. So we really did it?
The shock was too big for Sho to accommodate it at once. He just had sex with the very man that he’s been in love with since forever and really, the discovery of the eleventh planet would be just a breezing wind compared to this.
Aiba succeeded wrapping himself with his clothes properly. He gave an awkward chuckle and started talking with his hand scratching the back of his head, “Let’s just forget all this, okay? I was stupid and I promise that I won’t do that ever again. Promise. So.. this.. never happened, yeah?”
Sho was a solid statue. He didn’t move even for a mere inch.
He was dazed. He was stunned.
He just had sex with Aiba, and that’s the only thing he had in his head right then.
Aiba nodded slightly, his eyes darted to everywhere but Sho’s naked body, “Then.. I’ll leave now. Don’t worry, it’s.. never happened.”
The sight of Aiba turning around and leaving him snapped the hell out of Sho. The feelings in his heart couldn’t be contained any more. Five years eight months two weeks and five days was already long enough. Too long, even.
He knew he had sworn to himself that he would never - never - tell Aiba about his undying love, but all his sanity crumbled down once he saw Aiba’s back facing at him, ready to leave him there. Alone.
So he jumped and ran towards Aiba. He wrapped his arms around the slender body and with a voice that could be described as terrified and needy, he said, “It happened.. It did.. We- you.. I..,” he stumbled on his own words, internally cursing himself for suddenly became incapable in communicating like a human being. He then lost it entirely, “I love you. Don’t go. Please.”
Aiba didn’t respond. Now it’s his turn to become a solid statue.
Sho hugged Aiba tight as if he was afraid Aiba would disappear if he let go, “I love you. I love you so much.”
*******
Aiba’s brain worked slower than usual. He couldn’t command himself to make a move or even a word. He just stood there, feeling Sho’s warmth enveloped him.
Then, he felt the hug loosened bit by bit until finally Sho’s arms were limp on both of his sides.
“Ah.. Never mind. Yeah, forget it,” Sho said. Aiba could feel Sho’s self-pitying smile without even looking.
“You can... Yeah, you can leave and forget it, I’m sorry. Let’ just forget. Yeah,” Sho mumbled.
Aiba was about to turn and face Sho with questioning look, but Sho’s hand stopped him by his shoulder.
“Just walk on and leave, would you? I’m still.. pretty much naked and I’m sure you wouldn’t like to see it so.. you know where the door is.”
Aiba just nodded and mumbled a short, “I’m going home.”
His brain was really in a bizarre mode. He wasn’t capable of processing anything other than..
Was that his morning wood poking at my thigh?
*******
It took approximately twenty one hours and three soothing showers before Sho could stop cursing himself. There were a thousand storms going on his heart and he had a hard time fighting it down one by one. He was so afraid that Aiba would turn a cold shoulder on him, or even worse - hate him completely by now.
But Sho knew his worry won’t do him any good. He already spilled the beans and that’s it; Aiba already heard it and there’s no way to make it undone. Then, with all the maturity he gained since the first time he admitted to himself that he’s been in love with his best friend, he decided to just act normally. He had to get a hold on the whole situation, to drive it until he’s sure everything’s back to normal.
Because I’m the one who made this mess, right? So the responsibility to make sure that everything’s gonna be alright is mine.
Sho made a bitter smile when he remembered how Aiba was so tensed in his embrace, so rigid like he was touched by a ghost. The image waltzed to his mind so frequently that he thought he would need a new heart soon, since it stings his heart so terribly every time.
Sho shook his head for the last time and wore his best smile. He turned the handle of the green room and beamed while greeting, “Morning, guys!”
He did it just like he always did. He did it perfectly, thanks to his many years spent as a newscaster. He could maintain his smile, he could produce the right amount of laughter on appropriate times, and he could hold himself from running back to the comfort of his room where there’s no Aiba.
Even though he had to refrain from sitting next to Aiba because his face would turn so red if he do so, even though he had to look away and even escape from the scene when Aiba casually changed his clothes, even though his heart was almost always rushing and his eyes were almost always unfocused, he could survive through the day and he’s proud of himself because of that.
Because he did it perfectly and everything’s normal.
Or so he thought.
*******
Aiba spent days just musing over what happened. He observed Sho closely, studying him.
He loves me?
Aiba didn’t know how he felt about Sho’s confession, actually. He didn’t feel disgusted, but not actually happy about it either. He just felt.. amused.
And if he’s amused by the feeling, Aiba was irritated by Sho’s behavior. Sho surely behaved like usual, but something’s still off to Aiba’s eyes and that’s why he felt utterly irritated. Sho was keeping some distance between them, somehow seemed uncomfortable around him, even.
And he said he loves me?
A day passed. Two days passed. Then a week.
Everything’s fine if it was according to outer people, but to Arashi - which already together for countless years - there’s something that was definitely weird and bothersome.
And one day, finally they had enough with those weird and bothersome things.
“The recording is canceled,” Nino grunted when Aiba passed him on the hallway. Jun and Ohno were tailing behind Nino.
“Eh, why?!” Aiba stopped his hurried steps and followed the others back to the entrance.
“Sho kun’s sick. Caught a cold,” Jun grumbled, “Really, what’s wrong with him lately?!”
“Cold?”
“Yeah, that moron forgot to bring his coat yesterday, remember?” Nino snapped, “And remember how he refused to get in to the changing van while we were changing clothes? It was snowing outside, for God’s sake!”
Aiba froze. Yeah, he remembered that. He was sure Sho refused to get in the changing van because he was there. Because he was changing his clothes there.
Damn that idiot.
Aiba turned on his heels and stomped to his car without a word.
“Tell him I hate him!” was the last that Aiba could hear from Jun.
*******
“What are you doing here? How-,” Sho’s headache vanished as soon as he saw Aiba entering his room.
“Your manager let me in. He’s gone now,” Aiba sighed. He sat on the edge of Sho’s bed and folded his arms in front of his chest, “Stop this, Sho chan.”
“Stop what?” Sho suddenly felt bad. And no, it was not because of his fever. He already predicted this time will come actually; the time when Aiba would corner him and talk about the thing he really didn’t want to bring up ever again.
“Acting strange.”
“No, I’m not,” Sho’s self-defense was faster than his logic. But well, he really thought he was not acting strange, though.
“Yes, you are. That’s why now you’re here and we’re not recording. Say, do you really love me, hm?”
Sho didn’t answer directly. He froze. His brain frantically searched for an answer for that question. But the answer was only one and it was obvious. So he turned his head away, gazed to some random point on the wall with defeated eyes, then whispered, “Yeah.”
It might be easier to tell lies, but he could never lie to this very man in front of him.
“And is that the reason why you’ve been keeping distance between us, zoning out so much, and - heck - even refusing to share a changing room with me? Is that it?”
Sho’s mind wandered to several times when he had to save himself from seeing Aiba showcasing his mouthwatering body.
Of course he couldn’t share a changing room with Aiba. Not when the image of Aiba moaning lewdly on top of him kept reappearing every time Aiba revealed a little too much skin.
Sho gritted his teeth and with a reddened face he snapped, “Because after we did that it becomes so hard to control myself when I’m around you, let alone seeing you undress yourself!” Sho still refused to look at Aiba’s direction, “And no, I’m not zoning out so much.”
An agonizing silence almost killed Sho. Aiba just sat there and stared at Sho.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’ve been in love with you for years now, you see. It’s hard for me,” Sho grumbled. He pouted. He wished that the earth would swallow him right there and then.
But he was glad that his wish wasn’t granted. Because the next thing that happened felt like heaven to him.
*******
Aiba was still a little bit irritated but he’s softened a bit after hearing such honest and desperate confession from Sho. He mulled for a moment.
He’s really a desperate man in love, hm? A desperate man in love with me.
Aiba was considering the whole situation in his head. And because Aiba was Aiba, and he had this strange mechanism of thinking inside that silly head of his, of course he came up with the most bizarre solution for all this mess.
Should I just date him then? But I’m a man. He’s a man. And I’m pretty sure that I love a good pair of boobs.
He had an internal fight with himself. He rubbed his face roughly with the palm of his hands.
But this can’t continue. He’s a mess. And he’s in love with me. And I don’t hate him - he’s Sho! And... yeah.. the sex was good. No, scratch it, the sex was fantastic.
Aiba felt like he could explode any time soon. Logical thinking and decision making were never his strong point. Not even once.
But he was Aiba. His adventurous and daring side always won everything.
So with a low grunt he said, “Argh, fine!” and he crawled to Sho’s side, lying close to the sick man and tugging Sho to face him.
Two seconds later, their lips crashed to each other.
Aiba could feel Sho was tensing against him. He broke the kiss and said, “We’re dating now. So cut all the weird things, okay?”
*******
It took another twenty one hours for Sho to realize that Aiba just agreed to date him because he had to.
Yeah, Aiba was smiling and giggling through that twenty one hours he spent in Sho’s apartment as his new boyfriend - they even had another round of earth-shattering sex - but that was it. They were still pretty much just friends inside. Sho couldn’t feel even a tiny hint of love for him from Aiba.
And it hurts him more than not owning Aiba at all.
“What?” Aiba chuckled when he caught Sho staring at him so deeply.
“Ah, no,” Sho smiled. He caressed Aiba’s cheek softly. Something that he wanted to do for as long as he could remember.
“Hey, Sho kun. What do we do when two guys dating? Do we go to movies? Or we hang around here and watch baseball games or something?” Aiba’s eyes were sparkling.
Sho smiled again. More bitterly now. He knew Aiba all too well to recognize that the sparkle was not because of love, it was the sparkle he had for an experiment. For new things.
And that’s me for him. An experiment. Another exciting ride to experience.
If Sho was in his right mind, he would end everything at once. But he had been wanting this - Aiba as his boyfriend - for so long that the idea of ruining it made him feel a sharp pain in his chest. For this once, he wanted to be egoist. Just this once.
I’ll let him go once he wants me to set him free. But now.. let me have him for a while. That’s not too much, ne, God?
He pulled Aiba closer to his body and hugged him tight. He kissed Aiba’s eye softly and whispered, “I love you, Masaki.”
Aiba chuckled, “Yeah, I know that already.”
He reached behind Sho to pat his back several times. A friendly kind of pat.
“So, what do we do when we’re dating, hm?” his tone was so excited, no trace of sentiment given for Sho’s few sincere words a moment ago. The tone was so enthusiastic that Sho almost cried silently for it.
*******
Aiba might look like he was reluctant at first, like he had no option but to do it, but he enjoyed every single second he spent with Sho as his boyfriend. He had fun. The relationship gave a whole new kind of experience for him and it was good. It was thrilling.
Aiba relished the way Sho took care of him. At first, he thought the relationship would be just about physical needs - not that he’s complaining about that - but it turned out that there’s so much more in it. Sho was so gentle, Sho was so attentive, Sho treasured him, Sho spoiled him. And, hell, who would complain when he’s been treated like a noble?
In no time, Aiba had adjusted completely in his role as Sho’s boyfriend. He’d grown accustomed to the sight of Sho in his apartment, cooking even though he was a hopeless in the kitchen. Habituated to Sho’s gentle touch and husky ‘I love you’s. Got completely used to Sho nurturing him.
“I’m glad I decided to date you, Sho chan~” Aiba chirped one morning while draping himself to Sho’s back.
Sho stopped reading his newspaper but didn’t put it down. He just held the newspaper there.
“This whole dating thing is the best crazy thing I’ve done so far!” Aiba giggled and walked away to take his morning shower.
He meant no harm, of course. He just said what he had in mind.
And of course he didn’t mean to miss Sho’s saddened slump right after that.
*******
Sho held his head. He had a sudden headache. ‘Crazy’ didn’t sound so good at all to his ears. He’s a serious person; he gave his all, and amongst all other important things in his life, Aiba was there at the top five. Along with Arashi, his own self, and his family.
And to him, everything is just a crazy thing. Who am I trying to ridicule, now? Of course it’s just another crazy thing in his life.
Sho sighed deeply. He was glad he had enough brain to make a decision to spend all his ‘lovey dovey’ time at Aiba’s apartment rather than his. So when the time has come, when Aiba said that he had enough of all this ‘madness’ and he wanted his ‘normal’ life back, he wouldn’t be tortured with all the memories he had in his own home.
The first two nights spent there would be more than enough to make him weep and writhed in pain later when Aiba left him. He was sure about that.
Sho stood up. Suddenly he felt an unstoppable desire in him. The desire to hold Aiba so close. The desire to prove to himself that Aiba was his. At least for that moment. Even if it’s just his body and not his heart.
Sho stepped inside the bathroom. He didn’t care about the fact that he’s still fully clothed. He wrapped himself around Aiba who was in the middle of his shower, caressing and stroking Aiba’s body wantonly. His eyes were dark in desperate need and pained heart.
Aiba giggled groggily, “Hey, Sho chan, your clothes will get wet!”
Sho didn’t care. He didn’t care at all.
“We just did this earlier, you pervert!” Aiba laughed. But he turned to face Sho and circled his long slender arms to Sho’s neck.
“Fine, fine. You’ll never have enough of it, will you?” he laughed some more and started to kiss Sho’s lips eagerly.
Yeah, I will never had enough of it, Aiba chan. Never. Because what I need is not your body, it’s your heart.
*******
One of a million good things of being a member of Arashi was that they could bear with any absurdity of Aiba. They didn’t judge, they played along instead.
As long as it was harmless - or at least, not lethal.
So when one day Ohno got just the two of them and talked with a very serious, leader-like tone, he should have known that something has crossed the line. But Aiba was in his comfort zone. He believed everything was just fine, so he missed the whole point in a whim.
“Listen, Aiba chan, I want to talk about Sho kun,” Ohno started straight.
“Hm yeah, my boyfriend, what about him?” Aiba asked with his trademark giggly voice.
“Do you really love him?”
“Duh, he’s my boyfriend!” Aiba rolled his eyes and laughed some more.
Ohno knew Aiba didn’t take this as seriously as he wanted him to, “I’m serious, Aiba chan. He really loves you, so it will be just a pain in his side if you’re just messing around with him. And maybe he’s already pained without you even realizing about it.”
Aiba stopped munching his snack and giggling, “Pained? But-”
“Listen to me carefully, if you don’t love him, leave him at once. Don’t prolong his suffering. Even if he looks like he’s fine, I know he’s tortured inside,” Ohno said with all of his seriousness, something that’s really rare to show up, “But if you do love him, take care of him nicely, okay? You know what they said; you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. So please, figure it out. The only one who has the knowledge of your own heart is you so.. yeah..”
Aiba stayed silent for two seconds, but then he returned to his giggling frenzy, “What are you talking about, Riida? We’re fine! Everything’s fine so chill, okay?”
Ohno sighed to the respond. He knew Aiba really didn’t get it, but he’s not a man who’s good at explaining, so he just patted Aiba on his back and huffed, “Well, I hope it will always stay fine.”
Then he left Aiba alone to ponder with himself.
At least a question stuck in Aiba’s head afterward.
Do I love him?
The question only lasted for a mere minute, though.
*******
“Sho chan, let’s go,” Aiba reached for Sho’s hand and tugged him forward.
Sho’s heart skipped a beat.
Has he ever walk with me hand in hand like this?
His face blushed. He really liked it, having Aiba’s hand enveloped his with all of its warmth. But he pulled his hand away at some point.
I don’t know when all of this heaven will come to an end, so it’d be better to not make it any harder, right?
Aiba turned to face him with a puzzled look, “What’s the matter?”
“Ah, no. Let’s go,” Sho smiled.
They walked inside the hospital with flowers in hand. Aiba’s relative just gave birth and his Mom told him to pay a short visit.
Actually, Sho was somehow delighted that Aiba asked Sho to accompany him. It made him felt acknowledged. Accepted.
Once they reached the room, all the scenes felt surreal to Sho. Aiba introduced him briefly as ‘Sho’ - because who in Japan doesn’t know Sho - then Aiba came to the newborn baby and held him carefully to his chest, gazing softly and looking happy.
Sho smiled. The scene was so perfect. So fitted. It was so right that it sliced his heart to tiny pieces of nothingness.
Sho always thought that Aiba was a perfect man to be a father. That’s why he had already prepared his heart, knowing that someday Aiba would marry a girl and have adorable kids that would call him ‘Oji chan’. But now that Aiba was his boyfriend, all the preparation felt like nothing at all. His chest almost exploded just by imagining that the baby on Aiba’s hands was Aiba’s son.
That was the exact time when Sho decided that he must end all of it. He must set Aiba free. For Aiba’s happiness. For Aiba’s future.
Sho closed his eyes to gather enough power to endure this just a bit longer. He smiled and turned to one of Aiba’s relative just to get his eyes off of the very man that he’s about to leave.
*******
Aiba gave the baby back to the mother. He gave some congratulatory words and scanned the room to search for Sho. He was worried that Sho would feel out of place, being surrounded by strangers.
After the short conversation with Ohno, Aiba became more considerate to Sho. He didn’t do it on purpose, but being told that Sho might be hurting while he’s with him made Aiba naturally wanted to prove that wrong.
All in all, he became more aware of his position as a boyfriend.
When he found Sho was chatting with one of his female relatives - the young, single, and pretty one - his worry fled out of the window. He disliked the sight.
Before his brain could process anything, Aiba linked his arm to Sho’s and leaned his body to Sho’s closely. Too close for a comfort.
“We’re going home. Right, Sho chan?” Aiba sounded so spoiled that he wouldn’t admit that it was him who was talking.
“Hm? Already?” Sho who seemed more confused about Aiba’s sudden clingy attitude than the fact that they’re leaving asked.
“Yeah, you have work tonight, right? I don’t want you to be too tired,” Aiba gave a triumphant glance to the female relative who stared at them with embarrassed blush on her face, “Alright, everyone, we’re leaving. Congratulations for the baby!”
Aiba dragged Sho away by his hand, a smug face displayed.
Sho is mine, lady. Mine.
*******
Sho looked at Aiba who was sleeping peacefully. He covered Aiba’s naked shoulder with the fluffy blanket. He swept his fingers through Aiba’s hair, revealing Aiba’s face.
Sho smiled. He kissed Aiba’s forehead softly. He had resolved to leave Aiba that night and end everything the next morning. Maybe a short ’I’m breaking up with you’ will do but maybe it won’t, he had no idea yet. He planned to think about it once he’s home, where there’s no Aiba to shrink his determination.
He stood up, careful not to wake Aiba, and took his clothes from the floor. He dressed up slowly, as if he wanted the moment to last.
Sho heaved a sigh when he already put on every piece of clothing he had. He gazed at the sleeping man fondly. He bent down and kissed the forehead once again.
“Sleep well, love,” he whispered before he turned around and walked away.
“Sho chan?” Aiba called out. Apparently, he had woken up by Sho’s steps.
Sho stopped his steps but didn’t turn back, “Hm?”
“Are you leaving?” Aiba asked. Sho could hear him sitting up and rubbing his eyes with his fingers.
“Yeah..”
There’s approximately three seconds of silence, then Aiba was wrapped around Sho’s body.
“Don’t leave, Sho chan,” Aiba whined, “Stay for tonight, okay?”
“I ca-“
“But it’s cold,” Aiba cut it short, “hug me to sleep, okay? Sho chan is warm. I like warm.”
When Sho let himself being led back to the bed, he knew that he had been defeated again. He knew leaving Aiba just became almost impossible to do.
But well, universe surely had another plan for both of them.
*******
A short message received and Sho knew it would not be good hereafter.
‘Where are you, Sakurai san? Johnny san is looking for you. I’ll pick you up.’
The appearance of the mighty Kitagawa’s name activated his whole brain at once.
‘He’s furious, Sakurai san. Where are you?’
Sho was glad that he already wore his whole clothing before he climbed back to the bed earlier. He stood up, took his coat and gazed to Aiba for the last time.
‘Sakurai san, don’t give me a heart attack.’
He extinguished any desire to hold Aiba once again and fled to his car.
He’s going to regret leaving Aiba without proper goodbye.
*******
Several photographs spread on the table. Sho and Aiba holding hands in hospital was the object.
Sho understood the circumstances without explanation.
He’s doomed.
“No romantic relationship, Sakurai kun. What part of it don’t you understand?”
Sho kept silence.
“With girls, it would be easy to handle. But with a guy? And your band mate, of all people? Two of my boys were involved in this mess? Give me a break.”
Sho lowered his head. He bit his lips.
“Don’t make me lose one of my precious boys, Sakurai kun. You know what I mean. It’s a pity if Arashi lost its rapper or its sunshine.”
Sho looked up. Eyes widened. His heart went frantic.
“He’s not at fault. It was me. Me.”
Yeah, he doesn’t even love me. He just had to do it because I’m lame at maintaining my feelings.
His chest was burning as his heart cracked and crumbled. The words he’s about to say were so bitter that it made his tongue numb even before actually saying it, “We- we’ll end it. We’ll break up. Really. Promise. Just.. just don’t do it to him. Leave him alone.”
The old man smirked.
Sho could only agree to whatever he said after wards.
*******
Aiba woke up alone.
He whined, clearly was not pleased with the solitude.
He walked to the kitchen and found nothing at all - no burnt toast, no ugly pancakes, no whatsoever. Aiba found it strange. He took his cell phone and dialed Sho’s number, prepared to scold the older if he answered.
But Sho didn’t answer. The phone was turned off to be exact.
An ugly feeling crept to Aiba’s spine, but he shook it off immediately.
Maybe he has a meeting about Zero or something.
He shrugged then proceeded to start his life that day.
*******
Aiba gazed at his cellphone screen when it’s the third time he failed to call Sho that day.
He was not a calling type of boyfriend usually, but he suddenly had the urge to hear Sho’s voice, demanding an explanation of his leave without notice.
“Manager san, you have Sho’s schedule for today?” Aiba poked his manager.
“He’s free today.”
A chill went down Aiba’s neck, “Free? Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure. Want me to check on his manager?”
“Ah, you can do that? Yes, please. I just want to.. know where Sho is,” Aiba gave sheepish smile despite his suddenly pale face.
The manager smirked knowingly and typed on his phone. Not so long after that, a beep heard.
“Ah, he’s out of town, going to be there until the filming of his newest drama is over,” the manager furrowed his brows, “That’s weird. As far as I know the filming won’t be started until next week.”
Aiba held his breath.
What’s this? I don’t remember he talked about this to me.
“But.. we have some shared schedule, right?”
The manager flipped through his book and checked thoroughly, “Nope. All regular shows are already taped and all photo sessions with Sakurai san are... canceled. I have the notice this morning.”
Aiba could sense that something was wrong. He suddenly felt afraid. Terrified.
The manager seemed to notice Aiba’s change of expression. He patted Aiba’s shoulder softly and consoled him, “Don’t worry, Aiba san. It’s probably just another bizarre demand from the higher ups and he’s too busy to let you know.”
Aiba could only manage a smile, “Yeah. It’s probably it.”
Maybe I’m just overreacting. Yeah. Maybe.
*******
“Tadaima..,” Aiba whispered tiredly to the empty apartment.
It felt so weird to come home alone, without Sho barging in right after him with his deep voice and explosive laughter. It’s just been around two months since he agreed to be Sho’s boyfriend, and it’s the first time he felt so lost. So lonely.
He clutched his cellphone, contemplating between trying his luck on calling Sho again or not. The more he thought about it, the more he hated himself for it.
I’m really overreacting. He’s working, Aiba! Get a hold of yourself!
He decided to not give it a shot.
He strolled to his bed and inhaled the remaining scent of Sho instead.
*******
“Hngh... Hello?” Aiba didn’t even bother to look at the screen when he picked up the phone. He was asleep already.
“Aiba chan, are you already asleep?” a familiar husky voice welcomed Aiba from the other end of the line.
“Sho chan?” Aiba opened his eyes wide. He automatically grabbed his plushie tighter. He felt relieved beyond believe, like a huge stone just being lifted from his chest.
Aiba smiled, snuggled more comfortably to his pillow, and mocked an audible pout, “Why didn’t you tell me about Osaka, hm?”
“Ah... yeah, I’m sorry,” Sho sounded troubled, “Aiba chan, we... we need to talk. Are you awake enough?”
Aiba’s smile was still there, he felt like he could face anything now, “Yeah.”
“We...,” Sho paused.
“Yeah?”
Sho sighed before he continued, “Let’s... break up. Let’s end it, yeah?”
Aiba couldn’t process it.
“Our photo when we’re in hospital is leaked. Johnny san already handled it but he’s not happy about it so... yeah...”
Aiba still couldn’t digest it.
“And well... I know you’re not even love me in the first place,” Sho huffed a self pitying laugh, “So, now you can go back to your normal life, no need to feel obliged about me anymore.”
Aiba’s brain was still empty and frozen.
“Aiba chan?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll stay here for few weeks. I hope when we meet again we can be like we used to,” Sho paused again like there was something that keeping him from talking.
He then took a deep breath, “Thanks for this wonderful chance you gave to me, Aiba chan.”
Aiba’s whole being short circuited. He could only manage a short syllable, “Hn.”
“Ah.. hm.. alright, then. Till we meet again, okay? As friends.”
“Hn,” the same short syllable repeated mindlessly.
“Aiba chan..”
“Hn?”
“Allow me to say this for the last time, okay?” Sho sounded like he’s about to burst to tears, “I love you.”
“Hn.”
“Ja, I’m hanging up.”
The connection was already terminated but Aiba didn’t move to put his cellphone away from his ears. He stared blankly to the roof, his body was as still as a rock.
We’ve broken up? It’s done?
I don’t love him?
He didn’t sure about the answer right then, but he surely had a hole in his heart.
And it’s painful.
*******
Aiba slightly hoped that the phone call was just an unpleasant dream he had, but a string of emails in his phone served as a solid proof that it was not a dream.
From: Sho chan
Subject: Sorry
Sorry to end it all by phone like this, Aiba chan.
From: Sho chan
Subject: Sorry
I’m sorry for leaving you without notice too.
From: Sho chan
Subject: It’s Johnny san’s
It’s not because I don’t love you. Really. But Johnny san was really mad about us that he threatened to expel one of us if he ever caught a glance of us being closer than a friend again. An affair is alright, but you and I being both guys are unacceptable apparently.
So this is really the best for us.
From: Sho chan
Subject: I’m silly. I’m sorry.
Silly me for making excuses. I just feel like I have to explain it all to you but I bet you don’t need it. Because I know you’re happy for this instead. Congratulations, Aiba chan. You’re free to lead your normal life again now.
From: Sho chan
Subject: Sorry. Again.
I’m sorry to drag you into this. I’m sorry I made you had no option but dating me. But it’s all done now. You’re a free man again.
We’re better off this way.
From: Sho chan
Subject: Please.
Could you do me a favor, Aiba chan? Don’t ever talk about this again, okay? Don’t even reply any of my emails earlier.
I promise you, this is the last time you’ll hear from me about this either.
You’re a straight man, I’m your band mate, and we’re friends. That’s it.
Bye.
And that was it.
Aiba scrolled his phone desperately for more but that really was it.
Aiba slumped. There’s an empty space in his heart.
Yeah, I’m straight. Yeah, I don’t love him. Yeah, it’s done. Yeah.
*******
“Aiba san, you’re free after lunch today. You’ll have enough time to go to Osaka if you want to,” Aiba’s manager suggested.
“What for?” Aiba asked with a hint of bitterness.
“Eh? I think you want to.. uh.. meet Sakurai san.”
“We’ve broken up, if that’s what you’re trying to imply.”
“Hah?!”
“Yup. I’m a straight man, Manager san. Remember?” Aiba’s eyes were dark and empty as he spitted it out. But the next second, he’s back to his usual cheerful self.
He’s just so lost and unfocused that day. Not sad or brokenhearted, just lost and unfocused.
Yeah, sure.
*******
Aiba was a soulless rag doll when he walked to his usual bar that night. He spent the night like it’s the last night he had on earth; drinking, hitting on some chicks, howling, dancing.
I’m a free man. I’m a free man.
He kept chanting the four words in his head as if it was a spell that kept him from dying.
He was alone, not with Nino or Ohno like always. Not even with Jun. A part of his subconscious prevented him from contacting his best friends. He just wanted to be surrounded by strangers.
It wasn’t hard for him to get drunk, it’s even easier for him to get himself a willing hot chick one after another on his lap. He’s an idol, after all, it was never that hard for him.
When he found a girl his type who was practically rubbing herself to him, Aiba decided to let all hell loose. He dragged her to the closest love hotel, didn’t really care about the probability of paparazzi finding him out with an unknown girl attached like a mollusk.
At least it’s a girl, right? That’s what they care about, right? As long as it’s a girl. And not a guy. And not Sho. Sho..
Anger bubbled up and filled his body. He pushed the girl to the bed, straddling her and kissing her hungrily. He earned sexy moans from the girl, but he didn’t feel satisfied by it. He groped, he sucked, he stripped. He did all the things that he remembered he always did before that one night with Sho.
But nothing felt the same again. It felt flat. It felt wrong. It’s not even arousing. Not even the girl wrapped her pretty fingers around his reluctant semi hard member.
It just felt different for Aiba. Different.
Because it was not Sho’s gentle caress. It was not Sho’s cautious arms navigating on his body. It was not Sho’s deep and sultry moans. It was not Sho chanting ‘I love you’s repeatedly. It was not Sho who he held so close.
It was. Not. Sho.
Aiba really took his defeat when his cock twitched. Not because the girl’s skillful fingers. No.
It was because the thoughts of Sho invaded his brain like some kind of disease.
And he just realized that he didn’t want to be cured.
I love Sho. I love him. I LOVE HIM, GODDAMNIT!
He rolled away from the girl’s body. He lay himself on the bed, arm covering his eyes.
“Get out.”
“What?” the girl was - of course - confused by the sudden command in the middle of their sexy session.
“You hear me. Get the hell out of here.”
“But-”
“GET OUT!” Aiba screamed. His face red and his eyes glassy.
The girl stormed out. Terrified, angry, and confused.
Yeah; terrified, angry, and confused. Just like Aiba himself.
There and then, when he finally accepted the truth, he let his heartbroken feeling seeped entirely. It felt agonizing, harrowing, despairing. More than he ever felt.
He cried. And cried. And cried.
Alone in the middle of a love hotel room.
I’m pathetic. Pathetic.
He just admitted that he’s in love. But his love was already out of reach. Their relationship was already a sealed case. It was already judged as impossible. It was already withered. Kept inside a chained box that was labeled as ‘the past’.
All new acknowledged feelings were stabbing him right where it hurts. Slicing, piercing, and chopping.
He felt like a little kid who just found what he wanted to wish to Santa, but in the same time being told that Santa was just a myth. There’s no Santa. There’s no wish. There’s no anything at all.
He knew he couldn’t bear it alone. He knew it would be too much. Especially when everything was already a closed book. So he took his phone and called for the ones who knows him the most. More than he himself.
*******
“Do you know that you are the most idiot man I’ve ever met, Aiba chan?!” Nino scolded him. He paced back and forth in that tiny love hotel room with arms folded on his chest. He seemed upset.
He’s always upset when Aiba did something that hurt himself.
“I don’t- I just-” Aiba tried to answer but his own sob was on the way.
Ohno hushed him and patted him, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Aiba was really grateful that Ohno didn’t say ‘told you’ with a smug face. Because, really, he could drown in his own tears if Ohno did.
“I didn’t realize. I.. He.. He suddenly ended it all. End it all. And I.. I just.. I just realize that I..”
“Breathe, Aiba chan,” Ohno whispered.
“That you what? That you love him?! Gosh, you are hopeless, Aiba chan. Hopeless. Geez,” Nino snapped.
“But it’s all too late now,” Aiba whispered and buried his face to Ohno’s shoulder.
“Hopeless,” Nino hissed.
“And he’s not the only one who’s hopeless here, Nino kun. Read,” Jun gave Aiba’s cellphone to him and revealed Sho’s latest emails.
Nino read it and his eyes widened after every email.
“What the- Idiot!” Nino threw the phone to the bed, “So this is why you are saying that you and him together is an impossible thing, hah?!”
Ohno asked an explanation without a word, just gazing.
“Johnny san,” Jun explained efficiently.
“It is impossible. No. I can’t afford Arashi being torn apart. No.”
“Who do you think we are, hah?! Weak flowers by the street side or something?!” Nino clicked his tongue exasperatedly and left the scene with hurried steps.
“Idiots!” was his last words.
Jun tailed closely behind Nino, shaking his head.
“Yeah, I am an idiot,” Aiba mumbled, “Say, Riida, how could I face him after this? Acting cool like nothing happened? I don’t trust myself enough to believe that it will work.”
..he threatened to expelled one of us if he ever caught a glance of us being closer than a friend again..
Aiba’s heart was scorched. He couldn’t afford the risk of breaking Arashi apart, but he also didn’t know if he can make it.
And having Sho around but not able to touch him or taking care of him was a hell. Even when it’s just him imagining it.
“I’m a mess, Riida. I’m an idiot.”
“Yes, you are,” Ohno mumbled, “But we already have geniuses around us so it’s okay. It’s alright.”
Aiba couldn’t fathom Ohno’s words by then but he didn’t care.
He just had a taste of impossible love.
And he was pretty sure that it was the most excruciating torture ever existed in this world.
*******
Sho held his cellphone all the time like it was a lifeline. He checked every minute desperately, hoping that Aiba would reply him. Again. With more words than just a mere ‘Alright’.
Because he was not alright. Not at all.
Sho had a week to spend just for himself at Osaka. Without work, just memorizing script that he already read for a thousand times.
‘Time will heal,’ the old man’s words resounded in his head. He tsked at that. He tsked really hard.
It was not true to him. Because every second he spent without Aiba beside him just made him longing for the taller man more.
His brain stubbornly waltzed back to Aiba even though he tried hard not to think about him. His mind always ventured back to Aiba. To his fresh giggle, to his long arms, to his beautiful eyes, to his wholehearted attitude.
His thumb hovered on the green button. He really wanted to just press it and hear Aiba’s voice.
But he couldn’t. Not because it was wrong, but because he was sure that Aiba wouldn’t like it.
He’s a free man now, Sho. There’s a good chance that he’s enjoying his time with some sexy chicks now. He’s not even trying to contact you, he must be happy now!
The thought was so venomous that he didn’t have enough strength to lift his body up and walk the day.
He just slumped there on the nice hotel’s floor, feeling his desire to live slowly vaporized to the air.
Inch by agonizing inch. Second by torturing second.
The trail of dried tears by the side of his face didn’t bother him. It would be wet again by fresh tears in no time after all.
He bitterly smirked every once in a while. Pitying himself for falling down this hard.
You know he doesn’t love you from the start, you idiot! What do you expect?! It’s a good thing that someone finally stated that it’s impossible. Im. po. ssi. fucking. ble.
New drop of tears glided on his cheeks again. A little squeak escaped his throat.
“Sakurai san,” a knock on the door interrupted his mourning time. It was his manager.
“Sakurai san, are you okay? You haven’t eaten yet since yesterday.”
“I’m fine,” Sho shouted. But his voice betrayed him. It was croaked and raspy and not fine at all.
“Sakurai san please come out, I beg you.”
“I’m fine. Just- just leave me alone,” Sho pleaded.
“Sakurai Sho, you come out or I’ll break the hell out of this door and drag you out with my own hands. Your choice.”
Sho jerked up. It was Jun.
“You have three seconds. Three..,” Jun counted down.
“Leave me alone, Jun!”
“Two..”
Sho knew Jun never gave him bullshit, “For the love of God, leave me alone!”
“One.. Get out of the wa-”
Sho opened the door in time. His eyes were swollen and his face was an absolute mess.
“Hopeless,” Jun shook his head and dragged Sho out by his wrist.
“What? Where are we go-”
“Shut up, you moron. Morons are not allowed to talk.”
Sho gaped. But he swallowed his protest.
Yeah, I’m a moron. A moron for hoping that Aiba would love me back. A moron for dreaming that it would be possible.
*******
“What are we doing here?” Sho started to panic when Jun turned to Aiba’s apartment complex.
“Me? I’m helping you. And you? You’re going to stop being an air head,” Jun said and parked smoothly. He got down and opened Sho’s door and dragged him again.
Sho was resisting.
“Stop being so loud or I’ll stop being so nice,” Jun said with his sharp eyes piercing right through Sho’s.
Sho grunted, “Explain this first, Jun.”
“No. Come on,” Jun pulled Sho with more strength.
When they’re arrived in front of Aiba’s door, Jun stopped and turned to face Sho, “Be quiet. Now, the key, please.”
Sho was dazed. He didn’t know what’s going on. But he fished the spare key he had in his pocket and gave it to Jun, “Stop it, Jun. He’s probably with someone now.”
“Oh yeah, he is. And that’s what you’re about to encounter now.”
Sho’s heart burnt. The image of Aiba with someone else was enough to make him lost his focus.
They stepped to the living room and Nino was there. He pointed to Aiba’s room with his chin.
Jun pulled Sho until he was in front of Aiba’s bedroom’s door which was slightly opened.
“I’ve never been in love this deep,” Aiba’s voice was heard.
Sho clutched his chest.
So he is indeed with someone. In love with someone.
“I love him, Riida.”
Wait, ‘him’?
Sho felt a thousand of tiny needles being poured to his heart.
So he’s in love with a man now. Another man.
Sho turned on his heels and prepared to escape. But Nino and Jun held him tight.
“Moron,” Nino grumbled.
“I love Sho chan, Riida. I love him,” now Sho could hear the sob that was decorating Aiba’s voice.
Sho froze.
Sho chan? Me?
“See? You’re a moron,” Nino hissed, “He’s miserably in love with you. He’s been crying since yesterday, for God’s sake!”
Sho felt a weird lump forming in his throat.
He was happy. But the happiness was quickly diminished. The sadness and helpless feeling swarmed.
“It’s.. impossible.”
“Gah!” Jun held his twitching head. “Answer me, do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Then go and stop his unlimited tears now.”
“But-”
Nino tsked, “He’s been with Oh chan for more than 24 hours now. Weeping on his shoulder. How long do you think it will take until he’s in love with Oh chan and not with you?”
Sho’s eyes widened.
“Oh chan is not a picky man as far as I know,” Nino added, “And if you think you’re great in bed, he’s better. Oh, I can assure you that.”
Jun gave disapproving grunt to Nino but he continued anyway.
“And he absolutely has no concept of impossible. He would fight for anything he wants,” Jun said, “Well, if you really love someone, finding a way would not be so hard, right? If you really love someone, that is.”
And that was it.
Sho barged through the door and took Aiba in his embrace. He kissed Aiba’s top of the head. Inhaled him deeply like Aiba was a drug and he was addicted to it.
“Sho cha-”
“I love you,” Sho cut it short.
Aiba was still for few seconds, but then he hugged back tightly, “I love you too, Sho chan.”
“Let’s not break up?”
“But it’s-”
“We’ll find a way out. I love you,” Sho said without hesitation.
Yeah, I love him. Anything would be fine as long as I have him.
“Expelled or anything, I don’t care. As long as I love you and you love me back.”
“Sho chan..,” Aiba sounded not sure.
“We’ll face this together, you and me, okay?” Sho wasn’t sure of what he’s going to do. The only thing that he was sure of was he didn’t want to lose Aiba. No matter what.
Especially now that Aiba loves him back.
Aiba nodded, “Yeah.. Yeah, Sho chan. Let’s face it together. Expelled or anything.. yeah.”
“Argh, this old men, really.. argh!” Nino grunted. His stubby hands flew everywhere, “You guys are blind or what, huh?!”
Sho and Aiba looked up in confusion.
“The world is not just the two of you, morons,” Jun pushed Sho’s shoulder, “You guys have us, do you forget about that fact or what?”
Sho processed the sentences slowly. He then sulked.
“I’m sorry. Yeah.. we should think about you guys too. I know it might be bad for Arashi but.. but I lo-”
Ohno snorted a laughter. Sho was obviously taking the scold in the wrong way.
“Idiots,” Jun and Nino breathed out almost at the same time.
“They are really hopeless. Dumb and dumbest. Let’s just leave them here before their stupidity infected us,” Nino walked away just like that.
Jun followed with a huff.
Ohno chuckled. He stood up and patted both Aiba and Sho.
“Do you think Johnny san would like it if the whole Arashi resigned? Because that’s what would happen if one of you got expelled.”
“Hah?” Aiba and Sho gaped.
“We’re one family. Those kids earlier might sounded like two short fused brats, but they already went to Johnny san to settle all of this,” Ohno smirked.
“Now go make out, have some sex, or anything. Be happy,” Ohno proceeded to walk out, “Just don’t forget us like that ever again, morons.”
The sound of the main door being closed snapped them back to reality.
Aiba and Sho looked at each other, smiled, and laughed.
“We’re morons.”
“Yeah, we are.”
“But we have them so it’s okay.”
“Yeah.”
“And we have each other so it’s okay.”
“Yeah.”
“And I love you and you love me so it’s okay.”
“Yeah.”
“We’re morons,” Aiba giggled away the last syllable and shut it up completely by crashing his mouth to Sho’s.