Anthony's Weakness - Ch3/4; SA3466996; Pairing: None; Rating: PG-13, T
Title: Anthony's Weakness - Chapter 3/4 - Analysis
Author: SA3466996
Rating: PG-13, T
Category: Angst
Genre: General
Pairing: None
Summary: Tag to S6 episode 'Caged' and lead into 'Broken Bird'. Tony's hurt by a flippant remark that Gibbs made. He's doing some thinking. 4 chapters
Spoilers: References to S6 epsiodes 'Broken Bird', 'Caged', 'Murder 2.0' and 'Silent Night', S5 episode 'Internal Affairs', S4 episodes 'Grace Period' and 'Friends and Lovers' and S2 epsiode 'Twilight'.
Disclaimer: NCIS charaters belong to Bellisario, CBS and Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warnings: Contains hint of Tony's past and references to the physical abuse of a child.
Can also be found on ff.net Anthony's Weakness - Chapter 3 - Analysis
“There is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task” - President Barack Obama, January 20, 2009
Anthony’s Weakness
Chapter 3 - Analysis
---------
The heading stared back at him. This was hard.
Tony’s Weaknesses
What I think other people think of me/ my weaknesses:
Damn this was hard.
He looked at the first of his traits and weaknesses.
Annoying/ Irritating
Inconsiderate/ Selfish
Yep... he could annoy the hell out of McGee and he was often inconsiderate when it came to riding the hump in the van. Yeah... he tended to think about himself... a lot... but he’d had to. Not that that was an excuse. What was it his father used to say?
‘Excuses are like armpits... everybody has them and they stink’
Yeah, his father usually followed that phrase with a back hand.
But he didn’t just think about himself. He thought a lot about other people too... even if he didn’t show it or say it. He’d go to hell and back for his team mates... and his boss... already had.
Need to be noticed/ constantly seeking approval, attention and recognition
Constant need to please the boss
That just went without saying really. He knew it... they knew it... everyone knew it. He needed it to function in life. He hated being rejected. He hated that Gibbs was rejecting him now. He’d managed when he was on the carrier because he’d told himself that it wasn’t his boss that had rejected him. Vance had rejected him. He’d needed to be sent away... needed to be punished... made an example of. His friends, team mates, boss... they’d all been wrenched away from him and he’d had to survive and deal with his guilt alone.
And, however much he’d hated it on the Reagan and the Sea Hawk... he knew he’d deserved it, and it had done him good... eventually. It had grounded him... made him think. He knew now, more than ever, what was important to him. He’d also come to accept that Jenny’s death was not his fault, but still, he couldn’t forgive himself for not listening to those nagging doubts he’d had in his head and he knew he probably never would.
But he’d been back... what... four months or so now... and he couldn’t kid himself any longer. During those four months he’d questioned, probably twice as many times as he’d done during his first six months in the MCRT, whether Gibbs really did want him on his team. McGee was more than capable of holding his own; Ziva always had been, and there were plenty of other agents ready to step up to the mark. He didn’t see where he fit in anymore. He wanted to fit in. He had to fit in.
He knew he had to show Gibbs he wasn’t narcissistic. Acknowledging his own weaknesses was the first step in that... next step was to stop pretending. Tony laughed openly. He did need an attitude adjustment after all. Looking down the list, he paled slightly, at his next trait.
Immature/ childish/ silly
He could certainly be silly and childish... and immature. He didn’t think he’d ever want to stop being silly, childish or immature. And although it had got him into trouble on more than a few occasions, he didn’t care. He liked being silly. It was part of him. However, he was beginning to realise that he couldn’t always be silly... and he couldn’t always offer himself up as a patsy. Even if he had a good reason for being silly and childish, there was definitely a right time and a right place. In front of the ‘toothpick’ was definitely not the right time, nor the right place.
Yes man
Yes boss. On it boss. Yes Sir. No Sir. It was hard to break the habit that had been drummed into him from the tender age of five.
“Oh Crap”, he said to an empty room as he read the next couple of traits.
Show off/ always has to be the centre of attention/ has to be the best
Know it all
He was insecure; it was a way of dealing. Be less insecure Anthony. That was easier said than done.
Sexist
Maybe he wasn’t quite as sexist as he used to be. He’d leave it on there anyway.
Blame others when it’s my fault
He knew the others would think this. He may try, initially, to worm his way out of things, but he always owned up to his mistakes. Lately, though, he hadn’t bothered trying to worm his way out of anything really. The guilt he felt over Jenny’s death had put a stop to that.
Tony read down the list. He couldn’t help the next one.
Jealous of other peoples success
Poor McGee. He had teased him mercilessly about Deep Six and Rock Hollow. The guy was a published author... he was famous... successful. He had fans... crazy, crazy fans. He was great with techno babble. He was a damn good agent too. He had friends. He was liked. Tony swallowed. McGee was liked by Gibbs. Vance liked him too. He had a family... a sister... parents who loved him... parents who never forgot him. God, how he envied McGee.
Tony ran a hand down the back of his head and cupped his neck. He sighed and looked up. He didn’t want to carry on reading down the list. He closed his eyes briefly and swallowed. Opening his eyes, he forced himself to read further.
Talk a lot/ don’t know when to shut up
Short attention span/ gets bored easily
‘Ya think, DiNozzo!’ Gibbs’s voice rang out in his head. He’d been on the receiving end of many a slap to the back of the head... or across his face... for those weaknesses... weaknesses he’d picked up long ago.
Get people killed
Kate, John, Paula, Jenny... it was only a matter of time before it was someone else. No more... please.
Shallow
Just another way of hiding, Anthony. If people thought he was shallow they wouldn’t dig deeper and then they, and he, wouldn’t get hurt.
Maybe.
In the past he’d thought that was okay, but things had been different since Jeanne. He’d found he could let someone in... he could love someone and be loved. Even if it had ended badly, he’d survived and so had she. He was profoundly sorry that he’d hurt her, and it had broken him to say the words that Jeanne had needed to hear that day... but he had said it, she had moved on and so had he.
He couldn’t go back there... hoping people wouldn’t dig deeper. He needed to take the risk... he needed to let people in, although he’d taken a few steps back after Jenny’s death. Being Special Agent Afloat hadn’t helped much... although maybe that was a good thing. A lack of any type of relationship was probably wise back then. He didn’t want to talk to strangers and strangers didn’t want to talk to him, which was apt really as he certainly hadn’t had many friends on the Reagan.
The Seahawk had been better; at least he’d developed a reasonable working relationship with the crew. On the Seahawk, he’d begun to heal and he’d come to realise what he wanted. Now he was back he wanted people to dig deeper, he wanted to let people get to know him... he just hoped it wasn’t too late.
He took a slurp of coffee from the mug on the coffee table next to the sofa and immediately spat the liquid back into the mug.
“Urgh... cold coffee”, he grimaced placing the mug back on the small table. He glanced in the direction of the kitchen debating whether to make another cup. He decided he wouldn’t, opting instead to look at the second list he’d written. He read through the first couple of weaknesses.
What I think my weaknesses are:
What the others think plus the following:-
Well that was a given really.
I blame myself for things that are not my fault
I care and I pretend not to care
He felt responsible... guilty... and he had blamed himself for Jenny’s death, although he didn’t believe it was his fault now. He also felt responsible for not preventing Kate’s, Paula’s and John’s deaths. Kate had died instantly... Paula... he hoped she’d died instantly... but John... he’d died in his arms... and he hadn’t been able to do anything about it. Everything had happened so fast but that didn’t stop him feeling responsible. He would keep running things over and over in his head. What if he hadn’t helped Kate up? Could he have stopped Paula? If he’d been that little bit faster maybe John wouldn’t have been shot. He’d tried every scenario he could think of but, ultimately, he knew there was nothing he could have done differently that would have prevented any of their deaths.
He still felt responsible.
Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing though. Did it make him a better person? A person who cared for those around him? Or did it make him weak... a person who was unable to let go of his guilt, who let it consume him until it affected his work, he lost focus and had to be sent away to sort himself out. He thought his next weakness said everything.
I don’t ask for help
He didn’t know how to ask? The few people who had helped him in the past had known exactly what he needed even when he didn’t know himself. The family house keeper, Marcella; ex cop turned cabbie, Pete; his mentor, Gibbs... they had all known exactly what to do, say... not say without Tony even asking.
I assume too much and I over compensate
I’m afraid of being alone
Well, he was definitely afraid of being alone. He didn’t want to be alone and that was why he tried so hard to get people to like him. The problem was that when he tried to get people to like him, he over did it, often reverting to the shallow, immature, joker that everyone had previously seemed to love and that he had, in the past, been so adept at hiding behind.
He didn’t want to be that person. He wanted to be liked for who he really was... the person deep inside... the person he was becoming on the outside: the man who annoyingly approached life with child-like wonder and awe; the man who cared passionately for his friends, team mates and his boss; the man who was not prepared to hide anymore; the man who ached to love and to be loved; the man who had flaws like everyone else... the man who could be loved as much for his weaknesses as he was for his strengths.
He looked at the long list of failings on the note pad in front of him. It was a fair list. There were probably more. In fact there were definitely more, but he was done. He was finished. He was emotionally drained but he felt oddly free.
Tony smiled. Perhaps that had something to do with the music.
He tore off the sheet of paper, folded it and stuffed it in his pants pocket. It was 05:00. If he left now he could have it typed up before Gibbs got in. He didn’t want to add “illegible hand writing” to the list.
He turned the CD player off before heading for the bedroom to find a clean pair of socks and his shoes. He grabbed his Sig from the bedside table, holstered it at his right side and then stuffed a suit from his wardrobe into his backpack. If he laid it out over the back of his chair at work, the creases would drop out... hopefully before Gibbs noticed... not that he had anything to talk about.
Remembering he’d left his cell on the coffee table next to the sofa, he headed back through the apartment to retrieve it. He hesitated when he saw the notepad and pen lying next to the cell.
He could see the indentation marks on the blank top sheet, left by his heavy handwriting on the sheet he now had in his pocket. He stared, transfixed at the marks on the page. Then he dropped his backpack and sat down heavily on the sofa. There was one more list he needed to write. He picked up the notepad and pen and began to scribe.
Anthony’s Weakness
He double underlined the heading.
As he stared at the heading he released a small laugh and then sighed as he quickly wrote one final word.
Tony stood up, ripping the sheet from the pad and placed it on the coffee table. He stuffed the A4 pad into his back pack and slung the bag over his shoulder. He picked up the cell from the coffee table and flipped the lid. Pressing the small green button he waited for the instruction to enter his security code. A few buttons later, the cell was operational.
He waited.
No voice mail. No messages.
He breathed a sigh of relief. One less thing to worry about, Anthony.
He brushed past the coffee table, not noticing as the A4 sheet of paper slid slowly off the small table to land gently on the wooden floor boards of his apartment.
Tony headed out, flicking off the light switch as he went and grabbing his keys and coat from the hallway. He stepped out into the communal stairway and half-slammed the door.
He heard a baby start to cry in the apartment opposite. He grimaced.
Oh Crap! Steve was really going to let him have it tonight.
He put the thoughts of having to apologise, yet again, to his neighbour to one side and headed for his car.
The draft produced when the front door slammed shut had just enough force to push the single sheet of paper further along the floor boards until it came to rest, safely hidden underneath the sofa in Tony’s apartment.
TBC...
Chapter 4
---------
A/N - Just to say I think Tony believes he has a multitude of strengths too and I’m sure he could produce another two lists which show what he thinks other people think are his strengths and, what he thinks his strengths are.
Author: SA3466996
Rating: PG-13, T
Category: Angst
Genre: General
Pairing: None
Summary: Tag to S6 episode 'Caged' and lead into 'Broken Bird'. Tony's hurt by a flippant remark that Gibbs made. He's doing some thinking. 4 chapters
Spoilers: References to S6 epsiodes 'Broken Bird', 'Caged', 'Murder 2.0' and 'Silent Night', S5 episode 'Internal Affairs', S4 episodes 'Grace Period' and 'Friends and Lovers' and S2 epsiode 'Twilight'.
Disclaimer: NCIS charaters belong to Bellisario, CBS and Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warnings: Contains hint of Tony's past and references to the physical abuse of a child.
Can also be found on ff.net Anthony's Weakness - Chapter 3 - Analysis
“There is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task” - President Barack Obama, January 20, 2009
Anthony’s Weakness
Chapter 3 - Analysis
---------
The heading stared back at him. This was hard.
Tony’s Weaknesses
What I think other people think of me/ my weaknesses:
Damn this was hard.
He looked at the first of his traits and weaknesses.
Annoying/ Irritating
Inconsiderate/ Selfish
Yep... he could annoy the hell out of McGee and he was often inconsiderate when it came to riding the hump in the van. Yeah... he tended to think about himself... a lot... but he’d had to. Not that that was an excuse. What was it his father used to say?
‘Excuses are like armpits... everybody has them and they stink’
Yeah, his father usually followed that phrase with a back hand.
But he didn’t just think about himself. He thought a lot about other people too... even if he didn’t show it or say it. He’d go to hell and back for his team mates... and his boss... already had.
Need to be noticed/ constantly seeking approval, attention and recognition
Constant need to please the boss
That just went without saying really. He knew it... they knew it... everyone knew it. He needed it to function in life. He hated being rejected. He hated that Gibbs was rejecting him now. He’d managed when he was on the carrier because he’d told himself that it wasn’t his boss that had rejected him. Vance had rejected him. He’d needed to be sent away... needed to be punished... made an example of. His friends, team mates, boss... they’d all been wrenched away from him and he’d had to survive and deal with his guilt alone.
And, however much he’d hated it on the Reagan and the Sea Hawk... he knew he’d deserved it, and it had done him good... eventually. It had grounded him... made him think. He knew now, more than ever, what was important to him. He’d also come to accept that Jenny’s death was not his fault, but still, he couldn’t forgive himself for not listening to those nagging doubts he’d had in his head and he knew he probably never would.
But he’d been back... what... four months or so now... and he couldn’t kid himself any longer. During those four months he’d questioned, probably twice as many times as he’d done during his first six months in the MCRT, whether Gibbs really did want him on his team. McGee was more than capable of holding his own; Ziva always had been, and there were plenty of other agents ready to step up to the mark. He didn’t see where he fit in anymore. He wanted to fit in. He had to fit in.
He knew he had to show Gibbs he wasn’t narcissistic. Acknowledging his own weaknesses was the first step in that... next step was to stop pretending. Tony laughed openly. He did need an attitude adjustment after all. Looking down the list, he paled slightly, at his next trait.
Immature/ childish/ silly
He could certainly be silly and childish... and immature. He didn’t think he’d ever want to stop being silly, childish or immature. And although it had got him into trouble on more than a few occasions, he didn’t care. He liked being silly. It was part of him. However, he was beginning to realise that he couldn’t always be silly... and he couldn’t always offer himself up as a patsy. Even if he had a good reason for being silly and childish, there was definitely a right time and a right place. In front of the ‘toothpick’ was definitely not the right time, nor the right place.
Yes man
Yes boss. On it boss. Yes Sir. No Sir. It was hard to break the habit that had been drummed into him from the tender age of five.
“Oh Crap”, he said to an empty room as he read the next couple of traits.
Show off/ always has to be the centre of attention/ has to be the best
Know it all
He was insecure; it was a way of dealing. Be less insecure Anthony. That was easier said than done.
Sexist
Maybe he wasn’t quite as sexist as he used to be. He’d leave it on there anyway.
Blame others when it’s my fault
He knew the others would think this. He may try, initially, to worm his way out of things, but he always owned up to his mistakes. Lately, though, he hadn’t bothered trying to worm his way out of anything really. The guilt he felt over Jenny’s death had put a stop to that.
Tony read down the list. He couldn’t help the next one.
Jealous of other peoples success
Poor McGee. He had teased him mercilessly about Deep Six and Rock Hollow. The guy was a published author... he was famous... successful. He had fans... crazy, crazy fans. He was great with techno babble. He was a damn good agent too. He had friends. He was liked. Tony swallowed. McGee was liked by Gibbs. Vance liked him too. He had a family... a sister... parents who loved him... parents who never forgot him. God, how he envied McGee.
Tony ran a hand down the back of his head and cupped his neck. He sighed and looked up. He didn’t want to carry on reading down the list. He closed his eyes briefly and swallowed. Opening his eyes, he forced himself to read further.
Talk a lot/ don’t know when to shut up
Short attention span/ gets bored easily
‘Ya think, DiNozzo!’ Gibbs’s voice rang out in his head. He’d been on the receiving end of many a slap to the back of the head... or across his face... for those weaknesses... weaknesses he’d picked up long ago.
Get people killed
Kate, John, Paula, Jenny... it was only a matter of time before it was someone else. No more... please.
Shallow
Just another way of hiding, Anthony. If people thought he was shallow they wouldn’t dig deeper and then they, and he, wouldn’t get hurt.
Maybe.
In the past he’d thought that was okay, but things had been different since Jeanne. He’d found he could let someone in... he could love someone and be loved. Even if it had ended badly, he’d survived and so had she. He was profoundly sorry that he’d hurt her, and it had broken him to say the words that Jeanne had needed to hear that day... but he had said it, she had moved on and so had he.
He couldn’t go back there... hoping people wouldn’t dig deeper. He needed to take the risk... he needed to let people in, although he’d taken a few steps back after Jenny’s death. Being Special Agent Afloat hadn’t helped much... although maybe that was a good thing. A lack of any type of relationship was probably wise back then. He didn’t want to talk to strangers and strangers didn’t want to talk to him, which was apt really as he certainly hadn’t had many friends on the Reagan.
The Seahawk had been better; at least he’d developed a reasonable working relationship with the crew. On the Seahawk, he’d begun to heal and he’d come to realise what he wanted. Now he was back he wanted people to dig deeper, he wanted to let people get to know him... he just hoped it wasn’t too late.
He took a slurp of coffee from the mug on the coffee table next to the sofa and immediately spat the liquid back into the mug.
“Urgh... cold coffee”, he grimaced placing the mug back on the small table. He glanced in the direction of the kitchen debating whether to make another cup. He decided he wouldn’t, opting instead to look at the second list he’d written. He read through the first couple of weaknesses.
What I think my weaknesses are:
What the others think plus the following:-
Well that was a given really.
I blame myself for things that are not my fault
I care and I pretend not to care
He felt responsible... guilty... and he had blamed himself for Jenny’s death, although he didn’t believe it was his fault now. He also felt responsible for not preventing Kate’s, Paula’s and John’s deaths. Kate had died instantly... Paula... he hoped she’d died instantly... but John... he’d died in his arms... and he hadn’t been able to do anything about it. Everything had happened so fast but that didn’t stop him feeling responsible. He would keep running things over and over in his head. What if he hadn’t helped Kate up? Could he have stopped Paula? If he’d been that little bit faster maybe John wouldn’t have been shot. He’d tried every scenario he could think of but, ultimately, he knew there was nothing he could have done differently that would have prevented any of their deaths.
He still felt responsible.
Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing though. Did it make him a better person? A person who cared for those around him? Or did it make him weak... a person who was unable to let go of his guilt, who let it consume him until it affected his work, he lost focus and had to be sent away to sort himself out. He thought his next weakness said everything.
I don’t ask for help
He didn’t know how to ask? The few people who had helped him in the past had known exactly what he needed even when he didn’t know himself. The family house keeper, Marcella; ex cop turned cabbie, Pete; his mentor, Gibbs... they had all known exactly what to do, say... not say without Tony even asking.
I assume too much and I over compensate
I’m afraid of being alone
Well, he was definitely afraid of being alone. He didn’t want to be alone and that was why he tried so hard to get people to like him. The problem was that when he tried to get people to like him, he over did it, often reverting to the shallow, immature, joker that everyone had previously seemed to love and that he had, in the past, been so adept at hiding behind.
He didn’t want to be that person. He wanted to be liked for who he really was... the person deep inside... the person he was becoming on the outside: the man who annoyingly approached life with child-like wonder and awe; the man who cared passionately for his friends, team mates and his boss; the man who was not prepared to hide anymore; the man who ached to love and to be loved; the man who had flaws like everyone else... the man who could be loved as much for his weaknesses as he was for his strengths.
He looked at the long list of failings on the note pad in front of him. It was a fair list. There were probably more. In fact there were definitely more, but he was done. He was finished. He was emotionally drained but he felt oddly free.
Tony smiled. Perhaps that had something to do with the music.
He tore off the sheet of paper, folded it and stuffed it in his pants pocket. It was 05:00. If he left now he could have it typed up before Gibbs got in. He didn’t want to add “illegible hand writing” to the list.
He turned the CD player off before heading for the bedroom to find a clean pair of socks and his shoes. He grabbed his Sig from the bedside table, holstered it at his right side and then stuffed a suit from his wardrobe into his backpack. If he laid it out over the back of his chair at work, the creases would drop out... hopefully before Gibbs noticed... not that he had anything to talk about.
Remembering he’d left his cell on the coffee table next to the sofa, he headed back through the apartment to retrieve it. He hesitated when he saw the notepad and pen lying next to the cell.
He could see the indentation marks on the blank top sheet, left by his heavy handwriting on the sheet he now had in his pocket. He stared, transfixed at the marks on the page. Then he dropped his backpack and sat down heavily on the sofa. There was one more list he needed to write. He picked up the notepad and pen and began to scribe.
Anthony’s Weakness
He double underlined the heading.
As he stared at the heading he released a small laugh and then sighed as he quickly wrote one final word.
Tony stood up, ripping the sheet from the pad and placed it on the coffee table. He stuffed the A4 pad into his back pack and slung the bag over his shoulder. He picked up the cell from the coffee table and flipped the lid. Pressing the small green button he waited for the instruction to enter his security code. A few buttons later, the cell was operational.
He waited.
No voice mail. No messages.
He breathed a sigh of relief. One less thing to worry about, Anthony.
He brushed past the coffee table, not noticing as the A4 sheet of paper slid slowly off the small table to land gently on the wooden floor boards of his apartment.
Tony headed out, flicking off the light switch as he went and grabbing his keys and coat from the hallway. He stepped out into the communal stairway and half-slammed the door.
He heard a baby start to cry in the apartment opposite. He grimaced.
Oh Crap! Steve was really going to let him have it tonight.
He put the thoughts of having to apologise, yet again, to his neighbour to one side and headed for his car.
The draft produced when the front door slammed shut had just enough force to push the single sheet of paper further along the floor boards until it came to rest, safely hidden underneath the sofa in Tony’s apartment.
TBC...
Chapter 4
---------
A/N - Just to say I think Tony believes he has a multitude of strengths too and I’m sure he could produce another two lists which show what he thinks other people think are his strengths and, what he thinks his strengths are.