(no subject)
I think every time I touch this thing for an update, I make claims to write something longer, more in-depth. It's passed 3:30 am and that's exactly what I'm going to do now. Everyone's asleep but me, so I can't imagine a better time to get this done.
I was going to talk business to an extent, but I changed my mind on that. I don't really feel the need at this moment to sit and dwell on things like talk about how Steph is the real heir apparent, due to her being a more aggressive businessperson like our father. It's certainly not worth dwelling on since I more than understand that what's best for the company is what needs to happen. I can't change the way I operate business-wise, and if my tactics aren't seen as what it takes to keep the ship afloat, then I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing. It's not as if I don't have a sense of satisfaction in my job roles, more or less.
What I'd rather reflect upon is the personal side of my life. Never in a million years did I ever anticipate that this is what life would hold for me at 35. A wife, a husband, a son. God knows if someone tried to explain to me just a few years ago that this would be my arrangement I wouldn't have believed it for a second. The wife and kid part isn't what's hard to swallow, of course, it's the wife and husband part. The humor in that is that he isn't, in every legal sense of the word, my husband, but as far as I'm concerned, and in my heart he is. And so much more. While on the other hand, she is very much my wife in the eye of the law, but not in my heart. She's just a cherished best friend and the mother of my child.
So, it's not exactly picture-perfect. I know it doesn't live up to Sean's ideals, even if he doesn't really complain. It doesn't exactly live up to my ideals either. I feel like he's never around and when he is, he's exhausted and sore. Meanwhile, I've been starting to feel a little burned out myself between work and the baby. Declan's grown tremendously and so many things have happened with him and it's been beautiful, but fuck if it's not one of the most tiring things in a person's life.
I wish I could honestly say that I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. I may be pretty content for the time being, but I sure as hell am not perfectly happy with the way life is right now. I still have my ideals for how I wish life could be. Which are pretty dangerous things to have. Ideals breed disappointment, because nothing in life turns out the way you expect it. But even while knowing this, I can't help but wish things were different. That he was around more, that he and I had a more conventional, traditional relationship, without completely taking Marissa out of Declan's life, or Declan out of mine. It's all so complicated and I wished I had thought this out more before I let it all happen. But I guess I didn't really let it happen. I mean, that indicates I've had some sort of control over these events and I haven't. So, maybe I didn't really try to fight off my feelings for Sean four years ago, but I don't think it would've worked had I tried. And yeah, I did actively try to conceive a baby, but I really didn't think it would happen when it did. Around mine and Sean's wedding day of all times. I guess I did have a hand in making things the way they are now, but I never had the foresight to see how it'd all end up. I wouldn't be here if I did, and I'd probably regret that more than anything.
I guess it's just weird to really sit and think about the road my life's taken. Most times, I still can't believe that everything that has happened has really happened.
I was going to talk business to an extent, but I changed my mind on that. I don't really feel the need at this moment to sit and dwell on things like talk about how Steph is the real heir apparent, due to her being a more aggressive businessperson like our father. It's certainly not worth dwelling on since I more than understand that what's best for the company is what needs to happen. I can't change the way I operate business-wise, and if my tactics aren't seen as what it takes to keep the ship afloat, then I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing. It's not as if I don't have a sense of satisfaction in my job roles, more or less.
What I'd rather reflect upon is the personal side of my life. Never in a million years did I ever anticipate that this is what life would hold for me at 35. A wife, a husband, a son. God knows if someone tried to explain to me just a few years ago that this would be my arrangement I wouldn't have believed it for a second. The wife and kid part isn't what's hard to swallow, of course, it's the wife and husband part. The humor in that is that he isn't, in every legal sense of the word, my husband, but as far as I'm concerned, and in my heart he is. And so much more. While on the other hand, she is very much my wife in the eye of the law, but not in my heart. She's just a cherished best friend and the mother of my child.
So, it's not exactly picture-perfect. I know it doesn't live up to Sean's ideals, even if he doesn't really complain. It doesn't exactly live up to my ideals either. I feel like he's never around and when he is, he's exhausted and sore. Meanwhile, I've been starting to feel a little burned out myself between work and the baby. Declan's grown tremendously and so many things have happened with him and it's been beautiful, but fuck if it's not one of the most tiring things in a person's life.
I wish I could honestly say that I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. I may be pretty content for the time being, but I sure as hell am not perfectly happy with the way life is right now. I still have my ideals for how I wish life could be. Which are pretty dangerous things to have. Ideals breed disappointment, because nothing in life turns out the way you expect it. But even while knowing this, I can't help but wish things were different. That he was around more, that he and I had a more conventional, traditional relationship, without completely taking Marissa out of Declan's life, or Declan out of mine. It's all so complicated and I wished I had thought this out more before I let it all happen. But I guess I didn't really let it happen. I mean, that indicates I've had some sort of control over these events and I haven't. So, maybe I didn't really try to fight off my feelings for Sean four years ago, but I don't think it would've worked had I tried. And yeah, I did actively try to conceive a baby, but I really didn't think it would happen when it did. Around mine and Sean's wedding day of all times. I guess I did have a hand in making things the way they are now, but I never had the foresight to see how it'd all end up. I wouldn't be here if I did, and I'd probably regret that more than anything.
I guess it's just weird to really sit and think about the road my life's taken. Most times, I still can't believe that everything that has happened has really happened.