Intro and outro.
I am not going to say anything that I haven't already said a thousand times before. There will be no ingenuity here. I do not have anymore firsts left, but it would appear that I have one more last. I kept thinking that we had not come to the climax, but it has passed by without me even realising what it was. I kept waiting for something to happen
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You didn't really have to say anything. It was a lot to take in for anyone, even the people that aren't directly involved with this. I have just been going over a lot of things in my head lately, and this is what came out. I feel as if I'm always trying to make jokes about everything, but it really doesn't help me from hurting. I think it just makes it worse when I joke about it. Haha, Brian Littrell, you are still going to be gorgeous at seventy-two. You can be my date for Monopoly and Parcheesi at the old folk's home. What do you say?
I used to never say never. Never wasn't a word in my vocabulary. Everything was in the spectrum of possibility, no matter what it was. This has left me all of those things you talked about: bitter, angry, and left without. And most of all? It leaves me feeling very hopeless and time is the only remedy for this sort of pain. It's going to hurt for a while, maybe forever, I know that. I don't like knowing that this is never going to be easy for me. I'm so jealous right now. Consumed with it, actually. I don't know if he's happy. I don't even know if he's all right. I just keep thinking, 'he'll be happy with me.' And I keep wanting to wait. But waiting for something that is never going to come is very slowly unhinging me. I have tried everything. It would be easier if neither of us talked about it at all. It would be easier if we just ignored each other. Out of sight, out of mind, isn't that what they say?
That's what I'm trying to do now. This time, I'm trying to be entirely honest about everything that I feel, despite whatever repercussions I may have to deal with. I know what dishonesty has done. And I know that it's going to be a while before I can really begin to face the fact that this is never going to happen again, but I want everything to happen now, I guess. I want to not feel any of this. I would rather be very numb right now, because I feel as if I'm bottoming out. And I know how they say that when you hit the bottom, up is the only place left to go, but I'm the type to say, 'oh, I'm at the bottom. I better start making myself at home.' I don't want to stay down here forever.
I'm glad that you have faith in me, because I seem to have lost all of mine. You're too nice, you know. The way you say it makes me believe it.
[I will try, I promise and I'm going to come around just to flirt with you in comments. :-*]
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