Hate to Love
Title: Hate to Love
Pairing: Kangmin (Kangin/Sungmin)
Rating: G-PG
Warning: Pretty bitter POV, BL, failed attempts at being humorous
Summary: If there is anything Kangin hates more than Yesung getting more screen time than himself, it’s Sungmin.
A/N: I haven't written a proper fanfiction since... forever. Writing too many expository essays result in this dry-as-hell-language... Contractions are bad, but in this case, it compliments the POV.
If there is anything Kangin hates more than Yesung getting more screen time than himself, it’s Sungmin.
Kangin hates Sungmin.
His hate for Sungmin is as strong and as passionate as the bond between Eunhyuk and Donghae. He hates Sungmin more than the number of times Heechul says “Yo, touch man!”, more than all the dramas Kibum starred in, more than the amount of shoes lift in Leeteuk’s sneakers, more than all the members of Super Junior and SNSD combine.
More than anything, he hates Sungmin.
It’s only natural, living among thirteen, to dislike someone, but Kangin finds it abnormal (not to mention, unhealthy) to hate Sungmin-precious Sungmin. No one else hates Sungmin, no one with half a brain would. But Kangin is different, and he likes this individuality he imposes on himself. He likes it that the sight of Sungmin makes him retch internally, smugs that he is the only one immune to Sungmin’s intoxicating cuteness, and contents, knowing that no other member would see Sungmin the way he does.
Sometimes, Kangin questions the degree of his hatred. On days when he feels “morally righteous”, Kangin scolds his strange, inexplicable distaste for Sungmin, then feels guilty for hours until Sungmin’s presence brings back the unfathomable bitterness within him.
But Kangin had been hiding it well, for no one knows this feeling he has for Sungmin. Even Leeteuk-all-knowing Leeteuk-mistakes it for jealousy, something Kangin would never feel toward Sungmin. So Kangin was surprised that the fans picked it up just from watching Super Adonis Camp. As the result, he had to fake sympathy and love for Sungmin to get rid of the rumor that was supposedly true. It was not to save face, but because everyone else’s definition of “hate” is not the same as Kangin’s. Plus, as far as he is concerned, his feelings are his business and no one else’s.
One thing Kangin really likes from all this is the secrecy of his feeling, how it was his to know and to harbor. It was like a secret rendezvous-dangerous, private, yet thrilling.
It’s not like it’s his fault that Sungmin struck the wrong cord in his heart. In many ways, it was the opposite of love at first sight. Kangin’s hate for Sungmin had been there since the first time they met and nothing had or will change it.
Is it possible to hate someone that much, that long? Is it possible to find so many faults in one person? Because Kangin finds himself hating the details:
Sungmin’s baby-faced innocence masks him entirely that Kangin cannot see beyond the cute smile and bright eyes-it aggravates him, not knowing Sungmin’s true self. It bothers Kangin how much Sungmin resembles water: pure, untouched and too deep to reach the bottom.
Kangin hates Sungmin’s daring smiles, the smiles that challenge the world to break him open because Sungmin thinks he is strong enough to take on the world. Kangin thinks otherwise.
Kangin hates it when Sungmin hates Eunhyuk, piggy-back rides Shindong, brushes Heechul’s hair, gives Leeteuk a back rub, measures Yesung’s hands, takes Chinese lesson from Hankyung, watches the stars with Donghae, shares a Coke with Shiwon, fools around with Ryewook, attempts to rap with Kibum or watches Titanic with Kyuhyun. Kangin never asks for Sungmin’s company, because he hates Sungmin and he would hate to need and want Sungmin the way the other members do.
Often times, Kangin finds Sungmin’s clothing, items all over the place and he would burn them in his imagination. His reaction when finding Leeteuk, or any other member’s things differ by far. He hates the visibility of Sungmin’s presence everywhere.
Even when Sungmin is invisible, he is seen by Kangin. When Sungmin grows quiet during an interview, or when he sits too far from the other members during shows, only Kangin would know. Kangin hates it too, this strange personality that takes over Sungmin once in a while.
But what irritate Kangin the most are Sungmin’s eyes. They see but do not see-see everyone but not the individual, see Super Junior, but not one Kim Yongwoon.
So when Sungmin’s eyes flutter, then look directly at his, Kangin’s heart wavers. Behind the recording studio, where Sungmin asked him to come through a text message (making it another thing for Kangin to hate about Sungmin), Kangin hears, for the first time, a timid, fearful voice that speaks of love eloquently.
“Hyung,” if that is love, then “I am in love with you.”
Rejection, Kangin thinks, was the inevitable answer after so many years of hard hate. But he does not bring himself to say it because there, in the narrow back of the studio, Sungmin is not hugging Eunhyuk, piggy-back riding Shindong, brushing Heechul’s hair, giving Leeteuk a back rub, measuring Yesung’s hands, taking Chinese lesson from Hankyung, watching the stars with Donghae, sharing a Coke with Shiwon, fooling around with Ryewook, attempting to rap with Kibum or watching Titanic with Kyuhyun.
No, Sungmin is not doing all that. He is looking, absorbed in Kangin. He is here and now, and his presence is nowhere else but in front of Kangin.
So Kangin holds Sungmin’s head firmly in his hands and leans into his own shadow on Sungmin’s face.
At that moment, he is unsure which he hates more, Sungmin’s face or his own shadow.
Pairing: Kangmin (Kangin/Sungmin)
Rating: G-PG
Warning: Pretty bitter POV, BL, failed attempts at being humorous
Summary: If there is anything Kangin hates more than Yesung getting more screen time than himself, it’s Sungmin.
A/N: I haven't written a proper fanfiction since... forever. Writing too many expository essays result in this dry-as-hell-language... Contractions are bad, but in this case, it compliments the POV.
If there is anything Kangin hates more than Yesung getting more screen time than himself, it’s Sungmin.
Kangin hates Sungmin.
His hate for Sungmin is as strong and as passionate as the bond between Eunhyuk and Donghae. He hates Sungmin more than the number of times Heechul says “Yo, touch man!”, more than all the dramas Kibum starred in, more than the amount of shoes lift in Leeteuk’s sneakers, more than all the members of Super Junior and SNSD combine.
More than anything, he hates Sungmin.
It’s only natural, living among thirteen, to dislike someone, but Kangin finds it abnormal (not to mention, unhealthy) to hate Sungmin-precious Sungmin. No one else hates Sungmin, no one with half a brain would. But Kangin is different, and he likes this individuality he imposes on himself. He likes it that the sight of Sungmin makes him retch internally, smugs that he is the only one immune to Sungmin’s intoxicating cuteness, and contents, knowing that no other member would see Sungmin the way he does.
Sometimes, Kangin questions the degree of his hatred. On days when he feels “morally righteous”, Kangin scolds his strange, inexplicable distaste for Sungmin, then feels guilty for hours until Sungmin’s presence brings back the unfathomable bitterness within him.
But Kangin had been hiding it well, for no one knows this feeling he has for Sungmin. Even Leeteuk-all-knowing Leeteuk-mistakes it for jealousy, something Kangin would never feel toward Sungmin. So Kangin was surprised that the fans picked it up just from watching Super Adonis Camp. As the result, he had to fake sympathy and love for Sungmin to get rid of the rumor that was supposedly true. It was not to save face, but because everyone else’s definition of “hate” is not the same as Kangin’s. Plus, as far as he is concerned, his feelings are his business and no one else’s.
One thing Kangin really likes from all this is the secrecy of his feeling, how it was his to know and to harbor. It was like a secret rendezvous-dangerous, private, yet thrilling.
It’s not like it’s his fault that Sungmin struck the wrong cord in his heart. In many ways, it was the opposite of love at first sight. Kangin’s hate for Sungmin had been there since the first time they met and nothing had or will change it.
Is it possible to hate someone that much, that long? Is it possible to find so many faults in one person? Because Kangin finds himself hating the details:
Sungmin’s baby-faced innocence masks him entirely that Kangin cannot see beyond the cute smile and bright eyes-it aggravates him, not knowing Sungmin’s true self. It bothers Kangin how much Sungmin resembles water: pure, untouched and too deep to reach the bottom.
Kangin hates Sungmin’s daring smiles, the smiles that challenge the world to break him open because Sungmin thinks he is strong enough to take on the world. Kangin thinks otherwise.
Kangin hates it when Sungmin hates Eunhyuk, piggy-back rides Shindong, brushes Heechul’s hair, gives Leeteuk a back rub, measures Yesung’s hands, takes Chinese lesson from Hankyung, watches the stars with Donghae, shares a Coke with Shiwon, fools around with Ryewook, attempts to rap with Kibum or watches Titanic with Kyuhyun. Kangin never asks for Sungmin’s company, because he hates Sungmin and he would hate to need and want Sungmin the way the other members do.
Often times, Kangin finds Sungmin’s clothing, items all over the place and he would burn them in his imagination. His reaction when finding Leeteuk, or any other member’s things differ by far. He hates the visibility of Sungmin’s presence everywhere.
Even when Sungmin is invisible, he is seen by Kangin. When Sungmin grows quiet during an interview, or when he sits too far from the other members during shows, only Kangin would know. Kangin hates it too, this strange personality that takes over Sungmin once in a while.
But what irritate Kangin the most are Sungmin’s eyes. They see but do not see-see everyone but not the individual, see Super Junior, but not one Kim Yongwoon.
So when Sungmin’s eyes flutter, then look directly at his, Kangin’s heart wavers. Behind the recording studio, where Sungmin asked him to come through a text message (making it another thing for Kangin to hate about Sungmin), Kangin hears, for the first time, a timid, fearful voice that speaks of love eloquently.
“Hyung,” if that is love, then “I am in love with you.”
Rejection, Kangin thinks, was the inevitable answer after so many years of hard hate. But he does not bring himself to say it because there, in the narrow back of the studio, Sungmin is not hugging Eunhyuk, piggy-back riding Shindong, brushing Heechul’s hair, giving Leeteuk a back rub, measuring Yesung’s hands, taking Chinese lesson from Hankyung, watching the stars with Donghae, sharing a Coke with Shiwon, fooling around with Ryewook, attempting to rap with Kibum or watching Titanic with Kyuhyun.
No, Sungmin is not doing all that. He is looking, absorbed in Kangin. He is here and now, and his presence is nowhere else but in front of Kangin.
So Kangin holds Sungmin’s head firmly in his hands and leans into his own shadow on Sungmin’s face.
At that moment, he is unsure which he hates more, Sungmin’s face or his own shadow.