(no subject)
I've been due for a post.
I'm just gonna go straight into it.
I've been really pensive lately.
Like, yesterday. Or today, technically.
Last night I got home and when I got pretty close to my house, it started raining fucking hard. I actually really enjoy the rain, I just don't necessarily enjoy my stuff or clothes getting wet. I like being sheltered as I watch the rain, really. My car having my music thus makes it perfect, as I have everything I want right there.
So I finally get home. I'm in an extremely peaceful mood because I was driving plenty slow in no rush because of the rain and the fact that cops lurk in the area around my house. By the time I park on the grass in front of my house, I have no desire to leave my car.
I just kinda sit there and enjoy the rain. I send a text to my brother about how peaceful it is and he replies with a smile. On top of enjoying the mood, the rain is just ridiculously hard. So I figure I could just wait a bit for it to slow down, since I had my laptop with me.
I wait about 5 minutes, and the rain slows down. I figure I could get out of the car then, but I told myself to wait a bit more, then rain would be totally clear.
Psyche. The rain starts to come down harder than before.
That's when I start to get to thinking.
Should I have taken the opportunity to go outside right when it was less? Does that show my unwillingness to do a lot of things? My addiction to gambling with anything and everything? I mean, I don't have a problem gambling money, though I definitely think I would if I tried it too much. But I never seem to be satisfied with what I have. But that's stupid, 'cause at the same time I am. Maybe I just don't show it to people or something? Or maybe it's just with little things that I want more of.
See, when it comes to something like....I don't know, my overall life happiness? I've never really had it awful. Or really made it out to be like I'm in the worst situation of all. When I think about it, my family loves me despite all our problems, I have great friends, and I've never been without a plate of food on my table. I've always just attributed it to having a good personality, treating people the way they should, having a good family, and the idea of karma every once in a while.
And yes, I know I have a problem with...taking opportunities sometimes. Many times I need way too much of a push from someone else, or I just don't do something. This applies to any situation like talking to a girl or just doing something plain silly.
Maybe I didn't actually want to get out of my car. I could have just had the feeling but I really did just enjoy my car at the moment more. Hell, I had my music, and music is one of the top 3 things in life no matter what, now and forever. It's not all melodic, it's not all about loving a girl or something completely meaningful, but shit, I love all my metal so much.
Then that gets me to thinking even more, though. Look at me, thinking all this bullshit outside all because I didn't get out when it was raining less. I was the first one to constantly be on any teacher or person who was there analyzing a fucking book, finding some kind of bullshit symbolism in every other word.
"The snow in the setting represents his sadness."
The snow represented it was fucking winter, because the motherfucker lives in Chicago and that's what happens. The author is just not dumb.
Over analyzing is one of my pet peeves. Does that mean I don't get caught doing it? Of course not. You do everything at one point. But when I realize I'm over analyzing, I get genuinely disappointed in myself. Not everything needs to have so much more to it than it seems.
/sigh
But there's so many things in life that you can't just leave where it's at. Because there's so much shit in the world we don't know about. If you sit there and just start questioning why to everything, and realize that like...we're kinda just forced to suck up reality for what it is. So how can we be naive and rule out some of these things that seem ridiculous but sometimes, not really?
I don't exactly have a god I can ask about it either, so I would never know which way to go about these things. I'd kinda have to sit on one and settle, and hope I made the right decision.
What happened this time for me then?
Well, lately a lot in my life has been up for question in my mind. So I went the analyst route. I decided I'd see this all as symbolism, something that serves to bring specific thoughts to my mind.
I haven't been doing everything like I should, and I can't just wing everything. I need to stop being a fucking child and thinking that. No one is going to do anything for me unless I go through with it myself.
Things like that have left me as a different person. Since last year, I've become so much more bitter. And I love every part of it. Ever since I dropped Cesar out of my life I haven't taken friends for the face value. A friendship is two ways and I definitely feel I do my part.
Do I not see a lot of people sometimes because I don't plan things? Sure, there is no way I can stand here and deny that. I can think of a couple of people right off the bat that I've neglected. But has their necessarily been anger? I don't think so. These people know I love them, and that my opinion of them doesn't change and I have a lot I'm doing, internally. I've never really been good at multi tasking, and that applies to this situation just fine. Having to go through internal changes while trying to keep my life in one piece for my own future, while always dealing with one's own situations with the opposite sex and balancing friends is pretty insane. We all do it though, just different percentages in each at different times. Think of it like a pie chart, or...those 5 pointed charts of showing you what attributes you excelled at in a game, where the spike goes in one direction of the pentagon.
Writing this out is all great. I'll write a book someday, I hope. It'll just be me crying about myself.
QQ
I usually take pleasure in the little things. I've enjoyed all the people I've come to randomly see at work. Jorge coming by to reserve Warhammer Online with Karina and Patti was nice, and trust me, I will get you that beta key somehow. Unfortunately I wasn't able to give them too much attention 'cause the customer's were right behind waiting, but that doesn't stop it from being nice. I also saw Legna, that old middle school friend, RIGHT behind them in line.
I enjoy it when I can go to the cafe next to my job and get a cafe latte, which is under 5 dollars, and get away with having my card swiped even though their credit minimum is 5 dollars. Makes me not have to waste more money, and allows me my pleasure of the coffee with milk I love.
I love it when I get any kind of compliment.
I love it when a customer remembers me, comes back to me, because they feel comfortable with me and they genuinely trust my opinion.
A lot of big things fail to bother me in the long run. When someone fucks up, it's hard for me to REALLY hold a grudge, because I see good in people, maybe sometimes when I shouldn't. So the little things are what really bothers me.
The fact that I'm stuck taking out my eyebrow piercing soon because my body's rejected it a second time? Fucking pisses me off to no end. I wasted my goddamn money on it, but the cycle of the world doesn't seem to respect that. Nor does my body. Fuck it, I'm delaying it too much. I have to take it off right now, the ball just gets bigger.
/pause
there, It's off.
I really liked it but my body's owned it twice, so I'm just screwed.
That'll just make me want to get my tattoo sooner, which I'm still thinking over 'cause this is a big thing. It's a pretty unmetal tattoo, but I love the idea.
For those who haven't seen...
Outline of all that...the only color I want is Hobbes' orange, and Calvin's red and yellow. Thinking about the color's, obviously. I'd get it on my upper arm, pretty large...I'd want it visible with a short sleeve shirt, obviously not completely cause it'd go to a bit under my shoulder.
I'm really broke lately, and I hate that. Not much I can do but manage my money.
I almost bought the Metal Gear Solid 80GB PS3 bundle a couple of times during the Metal Gear Solid 4 launch, but I decided against it. I really don't have the money. But I finally bought the Wii Fit with the money my brother gave me for that, and it's actually pretty fun. Something to get me to do stuff when I'm stuck at home. Yes, I can go outside people, I get that, and I know I don't need a game to do push ups...but I enjoy it.
I'm running out of steam, I think. I was a bit distracted by AIM and music choice throughout the post, so maybe as many thoughts as I wanted to get out couldn't...but they're there, and they'll come out one way or another.
Again, to the friends I neglect? I'll get my stuff in order soon enough. I hope. I can't stand this state of limbo I'm in about absolutely everything. I keep saying I SHOULD do soo many things, but they're not getting done.
And....I'm off!
EDIT: ALSO, I've seen Bianka lately a lot lately, due to just hanging with Kris so much and other circumstances. <3
I'm just gonna go straight into it.
I've been really pensive lately.
Like, yesterday. Or today, technically.
Last night I got home and when I got pretty close to my house, it started raining fucking hard. I actually really enjoy the rain, I just don't necessarily enjoy my stuff or clothes getting wet. I like being sheltered as I watch the rain, really. My car having my music thus makes it perfect, as I have everything I want right there.
So I finally get home. I'm in an extremely peaceful mood because I was driving plenty slow in no rush because of the rain and the fact that cops lurk in the area around my house. By the time I park on the grass in front of my house, I have no desire to leave my car.
I just kinda sit there and enjoy the rain. I send a text to my brother about how peaceful it is and he replies with a smile. On top of enjoying the mood, the rain is just ridiculously hard. So I figure I could just wait a bit for it to slow down, since I had my laptop with me.
I wait about 5 minutes, and the rain slows down. I figure I could get out of the car then, but I told myself to wait a bit more, then rain would be totally clear.
Psyche. The rain starts to come down harder than before.
That's when I start to get to thinking.
Should I have taken the opportunity to go outside right when it was less? Does that show my unwillingness to do a lot of things? My addiction to gambling with anything and everything? I mean, I don't have a problem gambling money, though I definitely think I would if I tried it too much. But I never seem to be satisfied with what I have. But that's stupid, 'cause at the same time I am. Maybe I just don't show it to people or something? Or maybe it's just with little things that I want more of.
See, when it comes to something like....I don't know, my overall life happiness? I've never really had it awful. Or really made it out to be like I'm in the worst situation of all. When I think about it, my family loves me despite all our problems, I have great friends, and I've never been without a plate of food on my table. I've always just attributed it to having a good personality, treating people the way they should, having a good family, and the idea of karma every once in a while.
And yes, I know I have a problem with...taking opportunities sometimes. Many times I need way too much of a push from someone else, or I just don't do something. This applies to any situation like talking to a girl or just doing something plain silly.
Maybe I didn't actually want to get out of my car. I could have just had the feeling but I really did just enjoy my car at the moment more. Hell, I had my music, and music is one of the top 3 things in life no matter what, now and forever. It's not all melodic, it's not all about loving a girl or something completely meaningful, but shit, I love all my metal so much.
Then that gets me to thinking even more, though. Look at me, thinking all this bullshit outside all because I didn't get out when it was raining less. I was the first one to constantly be on any teacher or person who was there analyzing a fucking book, finding some kind of bullshit symbolism in every other word.
"The snow in the setting represents his sadness."
The snow represented it was fucking winter, because the motherfucker lives in Chicago and that's what happens. The author is just not dumb.
Over analyzing is one of my pet peeves. Does that mean I don't get caught doing it? Of course not. You do everything at one point. But when I realize I'm over analyzing, I get genuinely disappointed in myself. Not everything needs to have so much more to it than it seems.
/sigh
But there's so many things in life that you can't just leave where it's at. Because there's so much shit in the world we don't know about. If you sit there and just start questioning why to everything, and realize that like...we're kinda just forced to suck up reality for what it is. So how can we be naive and rule out some of these things that seem ridiculous but sometimes, not really?
I don't exactly have a god I can ask about it either, so I would never know which way to go about these things. I'd kinda have to sit on one and settle, and hope I made the right decision.
What happened this time for me then?
Well, lately a lot in my life has been up for question in my mind. So I went the analyst route. I decided I'd see this all as symbolism, something that serves to bring specific thoughts to my mind.
I haven't been doing everything like I should, and I can't just wing everything. I need to stop being a fucking child and thinking that. No one is going to do anything for me unless I go through with it myself.
Things like that have left me as a different person. Since last year, I've become so much more bitter. And I love every part of it. Ever since I dropped Cesar out of my life I haven't taken friends for the face value. A friendship is two ways and I definitely feel I do my part.
Do I not see a lot of people sometimes because I don't plan things? Sure, there is no way I can stand here and deny that. I can think of a couple of people right off the bat that I've neglected. But has their necessarily been anger? I don't think so. These people know I love them, and that my opinion of them doesn't change and I have a lot I'm doing, internally. I've never really been good at multi tasking, and that applies to this situation just fine. Having to go through internal changes while trying to keep my life in one piece for my own future, while always dealing with one's own situations with the opposite sex and balancing friends is pretty insane. We all do it though, just different percentages in each at different times. Think of it like a pie chart, or...those 5 pointed charts of showing you what attributes you excelled at in a game, where the spike goes in one direction of the pentagon.
Writing this out is all great. I'll write a book someday, I hope. It'll just be me crying about myself.
I usually take pleasure in the little things. I've enjoyed all the people I've come to randomly see at work. Jorge coming by to reserve Warhammer Online with Karina and Patti was nice, and trust me, I will get you that beta key somehow. Unfortunately I wasn't able to give them too much attention 'cause the customer's were right behind waiting, but that doesn't stop it from being nice. I also saw Legna, that old middle school friend, RIGHT behind them in line.
I enjoy it when I can go to the cafe next to my job and get a cafe latte, which is under 5 dollars, and get away with having my card swiped even though their credit minimum is 5 dollars. Makes me not have to waste more money, and allows me my pleasure of the coffee with milk I love.
I love it when I get any kind of compliment.
I love it when a customer remembers me, comes back to me, because they feel comfortable with me and they genuinely trust my opinion.
A lot of big things fail to bother me in the long run. When someone fucks up, it's hard for me to REALLY hold a grudge, because I see good in people, maybe sometimes when I shouldn't. So the little things are what really bothers me.
The fact that I'm stuck taking out my eyebrow piercing soon because my body's rejected it a second time? Fucking pisses me off to no end. I wasted my goddamn money on it, but the cycle of the world doesn't seem to respect that. Nor does my body. Fuck it, I'm delaying it too much. I have to take it off right now, the ball just gets bigger.
/pause
there, It's off.
I really liked it but my body's owned it twice, so I'm just screwed.
That'll just make me want to get my tattoo sooner, which I'm still thinking over 'cause this is a big thing. It's a pretty unmetal tattoo, but I love the idea.
For those who haven't seen...
Outline of all that...the only color I want is Hobbes' orange, and Calvin's red and yellow. Thinking about the color's, obviously. I'd get it on my upper arm, pretty large...I'd want it visible with a short sleeve shirt, obviously not completely cause it'd go to a bit under my shoulder.
I'm really broke lately, and I hate that. Not much I can do but manage my money.
I almost bought the Metal Gear Solid 80GB PS3 bundle a couple of times during the Metal Gear Solid 4 launch, but I decided against it. I really don't have the money. But I finally bought the Wii Fit with the money my brother gave me for that, and it's actually pretty fun. Something to get me to do stuff when I'm stuck at home. Yes, I can go outside people, I get that, and I know I don't need a game to do push ups...but I enjoy it.
I'm running out of steam, I think. I was a bit distracted by AIM and music choice throughout the post, so maybe as many thoughts as I wanted to get out couldn't...but they're there, and they'll come out one way or another.
Again, to the friends I neglect? I'll get my stuff in order soon enough. I hope. I can't stand this state of limbo I'm in about absolutely everything. I keep saying I SHOULD do soo many things, but they're not getting done.
And....I'm off!
EDIT: ALSO, I've seen Bianka lately a lot lately, due to just hanging with Kris so much and other circumstances. <3