A Recent String of Unfortunate Events
Well, lotsa stress right now, cant say I haven't brought it on ALMOST all by myself. Tryin to sneak around, and lying, and wasting money are all in my boat right now, I need to throw them over-board and turn my personal/social/professional aspects around. It's a whole lot easier said than done. But I think in turn I was rewarded tonight, having someone help me out is not something I'm at all accustomed to, but I was offered help tonight and I am so undeserving, but incredibly grateful. Feeling really kinda everything right now, guilty/useless/hopefull/depressed(heavily)/weak/tired, pretty much every emotional adjective you can possibly fathom. Now heres the bad part I was turning around in a little area on dixie hwy., and at the time I had somewhere near 200,989 thoughts running through my head, also engaged in a cell phone call, I almost. and by almost i mean 2 maybe 2.5 inches away from smashing into a sheriff's cruiser going about 60. Needless to say she slammed on her brakes, we missed each other thank god, and she flipped her lights on and bam pulled over! Got a misdemeanor for careless driving, gotta show up to pay the 200 bills in 10 days. But, I still have today, after I get some sleep, and all of Sunday night to deal with the demons that come out........of your ass lol, and the projectile vomiting, not to mention cold sweats, depression, worst headaches and alot of other shit I am gonna put my body through, providing no-one that I dont, but do want to talk to, calls tomorrow. I really wish I hadn't gotten involved with the whole ordeal.
Its real weird how fate works, the pre-destined course your like takes during the time your on earth, one example; If I hadn't become friends with someone, I may not have known that someones friends or family, and if I hadnt of known them, quite possibly and hopefully I wouldnt know the people I do today and my life would be immensely different in comparison to what it is and where it is at now. On the flipside of that coin, if I was not friends with that person, then when my dad would kick me out or I needed help studying or anything like a place to stay, someone trust-worthy and easy to talk to, I would've ended up homeless for awhile, or failed that assignment/test I needed help with. So, its very unique how a series of events transpires into where your'e at in life and what your'e doing with it, and how if you know good people that used to be able to help you out when you needed it the most, you could've been alright. It does boil down to what kind of person you are though in the end, and I've known what kind of person I am unfortunately, but I figured out what kind of person someone else is that I really had pegged for a bad kind of person, and they're actually good spirited. I used to be that way, at least ten times a day I just think to myself how in-debted and grateful and exstatic and amazed I would be if I could somehow just wake up from my pathetic life and realize it was all a terrible nightmarish dream, and I was getting up for my first day as a 10th grader in high school. There is no word for the gigantic amount of events that I would change and get myself on the right path and stay there no matter what the cost, because nothing has ever costed me more than the choices I have already made, the things I've already said to people, and things that I've done.
This is weird I am weak and exhausted, yet I cant sleep, I have so much on my mind right now, it just feels good to let it out and write it down, type actually, I am entirely 100% clear headed right now in terms of everything, including adderall the last time I took one of those was at 3:00pm yesterday. Especially of everything else including the worst one ever. To tell the truth I dont feel that bad at all right now, to express what I am going through mentally and my thoughts even though no one will read it I already know, feels so liberating and rejuvenating. While I am still feeling good I am gonna try to lay down catch some ZZzzz. I am under no circumstances spending any money tomorrow unless it is used for gas or food, I feel that way right now, but tomorrow I will probably want real bad to go spending. To try and prevent this after I post this and crawl into bed, I am going to set my journal as my homepage so I can read what I have written in what alcoholics refer to as, "A Moment of Clarity." I'll know what needs to be done, and what the REAL ME feels and needs to change.
I hope everyone at least lives their lives happier than I do, honestly, it makes me happy when other people are happy more than anything.
-Bye
Its real weird how fate works, the pre-destined course your like takes during the time your on earth, one example; If I hadn't become friends with someone, I may not have known that someones friends or family, and if I hadnt of known them, quite possibly and hopefully I wouldnt know the people I do today and my life would be immensely different in comparison to what it is and where it is at now. On the flipside of that coin, if I was not friends with that person, then when my dad would kick me out or I needed help studying or anything like a place to stay, someone trust-worthy and easy to talk to, I would've ended up homeless for awhile, or failed that assignment/test I needed help with. So, its very unique how a series of events transpires into where your'e at in life and what your'e doing with it, and how if you know good people that used to be able to help you out when you needed it the most, you could've been alright. It does boil down to what kind of person you are though in the end, and I've known what kind of person I am unfortunately, but I figured out what kind of person someone else is that I really had pegged for a bad kind of person, and they're actually good spirited. I used to be that way, at least ten times a day I just think to myself how in-debted and grateful and exstatic and amazed I would be if I could somehow just wake up from my pathetic life and realize it was all a terrible nightmarish dream, and I was getting up for my first day as a 10th grader in high school. There is no word for the gigantic amount of events that I would change and get myself on the right path and stay there no matter what the cost, because nothing has ever costed me more than the choices I have already made, the things I've already said to people, and things that I've done.
This is weird I am weak and exhausted, yet I cant sleep, I have so much on my mind right now, it just feels good to let it out and write it down, type actually, I am entirely 100% clear headed right now in terms of everything, including adderall the last time I took one of those was at 3:00pm yesterday. Especially of everything else including the worst one ever. To tell the truth I dont feel that bad at all right now, to express what I am going through mentally and my thoughts even though no one will read it I already know, feels so liberating and rejuvenating. While I am still feeling good I am gonna try to lay down catch some ZZzzz. I am under no circumstances spending any money tomorrow unless it is used for gas or food, I feel that way right now, but tomorrow I will probably want real bad to go spending. To try and prevent this after I post this and crawl into bed, I am going to set my journal as my homepage so I can read what I have written in what alcoholics refer to as, "A Moment of Clarity." I'll know what needs to be done, and what the REAL ME feels and needs to change.
I hope everyone at least lives their lives happier than I do, honestly, it makes me happy when other people are happy more than anything.
-Bye