Slightly out of touch.
I would remember opening it up and writing, shortly through this process what was set out to be a retrospect would change into something completely different and unexpected, some of the changes were more interesting and intriguing but overall what I was originally trying to convey was not there.
Some of these writings actually scared me, Things that I was writing were scaring me. Who wants to feel that they've reached a point where they can go so fucking far that they can successfully, without trying, scare themselves from there self?
Certainly not me. I found it surprising that I was actually able to do that, and unbelievable that I was able to do it without trying.
But what was really happening, Without my noticing my mental health was in the mid-stages of disintegration. Those writings sort of played the role of a wake up call in which rung very loudly.
It helped me notice...
I was hurting those around me every chance I got, and overall was hurting myself even more.
After harming these people and pushing them way over the edge, I found myself alone and damaged.
At times like this you really start to consider what's best for yourself, You feel as if things can't get any worse.
You have this new knowledge, you now understand what went wrong but you've travelled way past the due date for fixation.
So, You're left knowing what could have been and left knowing that it will never be.
All you're left with is your thoughts and someone you already hate.