Tuesday
need a rhythm to my life. I get more done when I find the place where the beats drop. I sleep better, I wake up full of energy, I get things done.
Rhythms change. Sometimes it is a slow crossfade, occasionally a sudden and catastrophic shift. It takes a while to recover. I don't want to push the musical analogy any further other than to mention PDQ Bach and the piece he wrote for 'two unfriendly groups of instruments.'
Today it is cold. I am on the tube, but there is still an icy wind blowing through the tunnels. My fingers are numb.
The rhythm has changed again. We're in a holding pattern pending the inquest and the issue of death certificates. I'm doing what I can to help mum. The whole thing is unpleasantly complicated; various organisations making demands, complicated forms to complete, rules and regulations to protect corporate interest. It leaves a sour taste.
Somehow though I am keeping it together. I am as numb as my fingers, I think. No emotion to speak of. Not even anger. When it comes, it will be like the flood. But not yet.
We keep a jar in the kitchen for Good Things. When something good happens you write it on a piece of paper and put it into the jar. On January 1st you look at all the good things that happened. During 2014 I added nothing to the jar. That is not to say that good things did not happen - they did - but rather that they were overshadowed.
I withdrew. That's what I do. Grief is a private thing, after all. Stiff upper lip and all that. I shouldn't even be writing about it here, but this is such a small readership; it feels like whispering into the darkness.
People asked me how I was, "Ups and downs." It was the only answer I gave, "ups and downs."
Most of the downs you know now: A death in the family, a long time coming; slow, sad, and difficult.
The other one is that the nerve damage in my right hand is quite significant and that I have been referred for surgery. This almost certainly renders me off games for any DJing any time in the foreseeable future. With no gig to play, and no one to go with, it is making the Whitby 21st anniversary weekend look quite unlikely.
But there have been ups to.
Josh is making good progress. He's comprehension is as good as any other child his age; his ability to make use of technology probably ahead of the curve. This has caused Juliet some stress as not only does he log on her World of Warcraft characters and get into fights with world bosses, but he also placed a bid for £835 on eBay for a vintage cocktail shaker. His reading and typing are coming on too. It is still the spoken language that lags behind, but he is still improving.
My new job continues to excite and inspire. The people are brilliant.. I mean that in every sense of the word. Wonderful to work with, good at what they do, highly creative and interesting to talk to. It is so different from where I was before.
The PhD is progressing. Slowly, but I am making small steps. There is a lot to take in. It deserves a separate entry, something that I shall get around to in due course.
For now, I hope you are all well, Dear Readers, and that you have some joy and things to look forward to.
I remain &c.
Rhythms change. Sometimes it is a slow crossfade, occasionally a sudden and catastrophic shift. It takes a while to recover. I don't want to push the musical analogy any further other than to mention PDQ Bach and the piece he wrote for 'two unfriendly groups of instruments.'
Today it is cold. I am on the tube, but there is still an icy wind blowing through the tunnels. My fingers are numb.
The rhythm has changed again. We're in a holding pattern pending the inquest and the issue of death certificates. I'm doing what I can to help mum. The whole thing is unpleasantly complicated; various organisations making demands, complicated forms to complete, rules and regulations to protect corporate interest. It leaves a sour taste.
Somehow though I am keeping it together. I am as numb as my fingers, I think. No emotion to speak of. Not even anger. When it comes, it will be like the flood. But not yet.
We keep a jar in the kitchen for Good Things. When something good happens you write it on a piece of paper and put it into the jar. On January 1st you look at all the good things that happened. During 2014 I added nothing to the jar. That is not to say that good things did not happen - they did - but rather that they were overshadowed.
I withdrew. That's what I do. Grief is a private thing, after all. Stiff upper lip and all that. I shouldn't even be writing about it here, but this is such a small readership; it feels like whispering into the darkness.
People asked me how I was, "Ups and downs." It was the only answer I gave, "ups and downs."
Most of the downs you know now: A death in the family, a long time coming; slow, sad, and difficult.
The other one is that the nerve damage in my right hand is quite significant and that I have been referred for surgery. This almost certainly renders me off games for any DJing any time in the foreseeable future. With no gig to play, and no one to go with, it is making the Whitby 21st anniversary weekend look quite unlikely.
But there have been ups to.
Josh is making good progress. He's comprehension is as good as any other child his age; his ability to make use of technology probably ahead of the curve. This has caused Juliet some stress as not only does he log on her World of Warcraft characters and get into fights with world bosses, but he also placed a bid for £835 on eBay for a vintage cocktail shaker. His reading and typing are coming on too. It is still the spoken language that lags behind, but he is still improving.
My new job continues to excite and inspire. The people are brilliant.. I mean that in every sense of the word. Wonderful to work with, good at what they do, highly creative and interesting to talk to. It is so different from where I was before.
The PhD is progressing. Slowly, but I am making small steps. There is a lot to take in. It deserves a separate entry, something that I shall get around to in due course.
For now, I hope you are all well, Dear Readers, and that you have some joy and things to look forward to.
I remain &c.