(no subject)
I just went driving for an hour and a half. In the dark. Alone. Music in my ears. Cars passed me by. I was driving slow. I had nowhere to go. I was alone. Hurt. Afraid. Disappointed. Alone. In the dark. Alone.
Sometimes I hate talking about my 'personal' life with my parents. Actually, I learned SEVERAL times that talking to them about whats going on in my 'personal' life will come back to haunt me. My mom won't hesitate to give her opinion. Or say her nasty little comments. Call me stupid. You know. And that's why I hate talking about it. My mom claims I have a bad attitude. I guess so. She yells at me over the stupidest shit. She said she isn't going to speak to me at all. Yeah, she said that two weeks ago too. Tomorrow she'll act like nothing happened. Fucking get your own life and stop worrying about mine. Granted, you're my mother and you have the right to know about things that are going on. But when you fucking remind me of shit time after time, I get tired of telling you about things. She was so dramatic. It was pathetic. She started yellin at my dad because she was pissed off. "Thanks Holly. Now I'm pissed." Yeah, bitch. I went back downstairs to straighten out. Explained why I don't want to tell them everything. My dad understood, but her? No she has to say "I'll just stop talking to you." How immature. Then she called me a bitch. So I turn to my dad and asked, "was I acting like a bitch??" And she had the nerve to mention that I said "bitch". If you have the nerve to call me that name, then don't make a fuss if I say it. Bitch.
So I left. I was quite upset because I'm so fucking tired of doing this time and time again with my mom. She says stuff to intentionally hurt me. It irritates me. I can't even get a word out because she's yelling at me. She calls ME immature. Whatever. Anyways, I left.
I went up to Prince Frederick and tried to call Ryan. He didn't answer. I left him a voicemail saying "you're never here when I need you." He never called back. I called Mike. He was sleeping. I called Ryan, no answer. I called Mike, he answered. Sorry, I just had to repeat that. So then I guess I was just hoping that someone, anyone, would call me. I drove all the way to Lothian. Lots of tears and almost a breakdown. Because for once I'd like to know I can count on someone. That maybe I can lean on someone and they'd listen. I just didn't want to be home. So I was alone. I guess it was better that way anyway. I realized the truth. So I drive. And drive some more. Then I go to a shopping center and park. I texted Drew. No reply back. I called Ryan. No answer. I texted him. No reply. I texted Evan. No reply. But that's okay. He's in Cali and probably busy. No girls..ha. Bethany and I are so far apart these days it's not even funny. I had an opportunity to talk to her the other day, but I was coming home with Ryan. Ryan and I always "talk" for a bit before I go inside. And that night we were having a hardcore talk. But I wanted to talk to bethany, so when I went over there...she was gone. I said forget it because it was late anyway. She never even called me to let me know she was home for a few days. The only girl friend I have nowadays is Viktoria (and she's not even HERE, but seriously, she's there for me more than anyone). All of my other girl friends have just...disappeared. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I did have girl friends. I want to have girl nights. I want to dress up and go out with my girl friends and not worry about guys for once. Have sleepovers, as cheesy as that sounds. But it seems like the only time I have anything to do with a girl it's a "cat fight" :(.
Oh yeah, and I'm tired of my mom comparing me to other girls my age.
Sometimes I hate talking about my 'personal' life with my parents. Actually, I learned SEVERAL times that talking to them about whats going on in my 'personal' life will come back to haunt me. My mom won't hesitate to give her opinion. Or say her nasty little comments. Call me stupid. You know. And that's why I hate talking about it. My mom claims I have a bad attitude. I guess so. She yells at me over the stupidest shit. She said she isn't going to speak to me at all. Yeah, she said that two weeks ago too. Tomorrow she'll act like nothing happened. Fucking get your own life and stop worrying about mine. Granted, you're my mother and you have the right to know about things that are going on. But when you fucking remind me of shit time after time, I get tired of telling you about things. She was so dramatic. It was pathetic. She started yellin at my dad because she was pissed off. "Thanks Holly. Now I'm pissed." Yeah, bitch. I went back downstairs to straighten out. Explained why I don't want to tell them everything. My dad understood, but her? No she has to say "I'll just stop talking to you." How immature. Then she called me a bitch. So I turn to my dad and asked, "was I acting like a bitch??" And she had the nerve to mention that I said "bitch". If you have the nerve to call me that name, then don't make a fuss if I say it. Bitch.
So I left. I was quite upset because I'm so fucking tired of doing this time and time again with my mom. She says stuff to intentionally hurt me. It irritates me. I can't even get a word out because she's yelling at me. She calls ME immature. Whatever. Anyways, I left.
I went up to Prince Frederick and tried to call Ryan. He didn't answer. I left him a voicemail saying "you're never here when I need you." He never called back. I called Mike. He was sleeping. I called Ryan, no answer. I called Mike, he answered. Sorry, I just had to repeat that. So then I guess I was just hoping that someone, anyone, would call me. I drove all the way to Lothian. Lots of tears and almost a breakdown. Because for once I'd like to know I can count on someone. That maybe I can lean on someone and they'd listen. I just didn't want to be home. So I was alone. I guess it was better that way anyway. I realized the truth. So I drive. And drive some more. Then I go to a shopping center and park. I texted Drew. No reply back. I called Ryan. No answer. I texted him. No reply. I texted Evan. No reply. But that's okay. He's in Cali and probably busy. No girls..ha. Bethany and I are so far apart these days it's not even funny. I had an opportunity to talk to her the other day, but I was coming home with Ryan. Ryan and I always "talk" for a bit before I go inside. And that night we were having a hardcore talk. But I wanted to talk to bethany, so when I went over there...she was gone. I said forget it because it was late anyway. She never even called me to let me know she was home for a few days. The only girl friend I have nowadays is Viktoria (and she's not even HERE, but seriously, she's there for me more than anyone). All of my other girl friends have just...disappeared. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I did have girl friends. I want to have girl nights. I want to dress up and go out with my girl friends and not worry about guys for once. Have sleepovers, as cheesy as that sounds. But it seems like the only time I have anything to do with a girl it's a "cat fight" :(.
Oh yeah, and I'm tired of my mom comparing me to other girls my age.