For those of you who think I use my dad's death as an 'excuse' to drink...
i highly suggest you read that. yes, its VERY long, but if you`re one of the few people who dont think i have justifiable reasoning for what i`ve done this past year since 1-31-04, read it.
This is going to be a long one... but i mean every word of it and this is something that bothers me very much and it needs to be pointed out and halted right now never to be spoken again.
if youre reading this, i want you to really read it. take everything i write down in consideration for just one second. take my feelings and views and try to imagine what it would be like to have these types of feelings, and if by the time youre done reading this, and your outlook or opinion isnt slightly altered in the least bit way at some point, then i have just proven my point that people who just DO NOT UNDERSTAND, dont have a right to voice their opinions on things they know nothing about. to do that is just plain ignorant.
one with no heart,feelings,compassion, or sympathy would not understand any of this even though i will explain it in deep detail. only someone with no heart would finish reading this and then throw their head back and laugh because they think im full of shit. think what you want, but point proven again. there is no need to express your views or opinions about something when you havent the slightest idea of what youre voicing your opinion about. people have no right to express their opinions about something when they themselves have never experienced it.
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"you're using your dad dying as an excuse to drink"
there have been only two people in this entire world that have said that to me. those two people are close friends. normally yes, i would shrug that off and think nothing of it because its a stupid little phrase to try and get a rise out of me, but not this time. it does not make me mad, nor does it make me sad, it makes me wonder about these people in this world and how completely disgusting and cruel people could be. these 2 people are my peers, who i would have called my friends a few months ago. so just let me ask a few questions and i bet less than half of the people who read this can answer every single question with a simple 'no'.
where exactly do you come off saying something like that to someone who has probably experienced more grief,pain,agony, and anguish with one 20 second phone call, than you have ever experienced in your whole entire life?
no one with a right mind would even think that about a girl who lost her father at the age of 16, let alone say it to her??? dont you have any decency?
i lost my dad on january 31st of '04. that date is coming up pretty quick, and for someone to say that to me in the midst of it being exactly one year since he died, you have got to have some nerve to let that 10 letter sentence roll off your tongue like its nothing.
tell me, have you ever had your whole world fall apart and come crashing down on you all at once within the same 20 seconds?
have you ever felt comfort in knowing that the people surrounding you are going to be there for you in a time of need, but when you really need them the most you feel like youre screaming at the top of your little lungs for help and no one notices or even looks up?
have you ever lost your best friend, your teacher, your role model, your motivation, and your father, all at once?
do you know what it feels like to lose someone that meant more to you than anyone is this world ever could, did, or would?
or how about this, do you have any idea what its like to lose the one thing that you live for, or the reason for what you do at all period?
maybe you might know what its like to lose EVERYTHING you ever had in one minute and then find yourself completely lost. know what it feels like to lose your guidance and then waunder around like a lost little puppy experiencing new things and experimenting with new things, hoping desperately that you will soon find an escape to fit your needs, find a good enough escape to cover up all the hurt and pain?
a person who is weak may turn to alcohol or drugs as an escape from their twisted reality. if that is the case then i admit it. yes, I AM WEAK. i am weak because at one point in time i, just like all of the people i had always pityed, turned to alcohol for a remedy and at the time i thought was a cure. alcohol was the bandaid for my skinned knee, alcohol was my comfort and escape from this fresh wound i had just got from the hand that life dealt me.
you two girls who said i was using my dads death as "an excuse" to drink,
please, tell me something, and i know for a fact that you both are close to your dads. how would you feel if he died out of no where? if you didnt even expect it? its honestly almost like i watched someone claw at my chest with their dull fingernails until it was ripped open, grab my heart and rip it out, stomp and spit on it a billion times and then drop kick it into a great big pile of dog shit right in front of my eyes.
sound a little painful? indeed. very very VERY painful. almost like hearing your one and only father has just died when youre only 16 years old.
the one person in this world who would do any and everything for you, who loved you unconditionally no matter how bad you screwed up in life or no matter how terrible of a person you were.
the only man in this world you could ever trust and depend on with everything you have.
the one person who could be just flat out broke, the poorest person on this earth and yet still managed to give you everything you ever needed and wanted.
the only man who could hold you tight when your world was shit and you feel like nothing can fix it, even so, when he encloses you in that great big bear hug it feels like everything is wonderful again.
when he tells you everything going to be okay and when you hear him say that, you know it will be okay just because those words are coming from him.
this man who is perfect in every single way and no other can ever amount to him no matter what. this man, your one and only father, died?
how would you feel if all of that was taken away from you in a split second?
youre both 16 years old. just imagine if your dad passed away right now, and one month from that day, you couldnt honestly tell me that your whole world didnt fall apart. that you didnt look for an escape from the pain and found the wrong one. you couldnt tell me that you dont feel like youre stuck in a hole thats 50 feet deep that you cant get out of no matter how hard you try. you cant tell me that you could find another way to cope with a trauma like that because YOU HAVENT PERSONALLY EXPERIENCED IT. im sure you both have had a death in your family with someone you were very close to, but its at all nothing like losing your father. you only get one. when hes gone, hes gone. there is no replacing him. hes gone forever and youre still only a child. you still have your whole entire life to live and your going to have to live the rest of your life without him, and youre still only 16. there arent enough words to explain what that feels like.
you have the rest of your family going through the death too, but it doesnt take such a vicious toll on everyone else like it does to you. your family and friends are supposed to help you get through a tough time like that, but when youre home all alone in the middle of the night crying hysterically because a huge piece of you is missing, and you need to talk to someone, sure, its easier said than done to pick up the phone and talk to someone, rather than grab the bottle and drink up. it may come as a shock to you, but you CANT depend on your friends, or anyone else for that matter.
you pick up the phone and call a friend when youre crying so hard your eyes feel like theyre going to burst, damn near ripped out all of your hair, cut almost every inch of your body with a dull rusty knife, and all you get from the person on the other line is "im sorry" "i dont know what to say" or you might not even get that, you get snoring or a "dont do anything stupid call me tomorrow ::click::"
thats when you realize you would rather not even try to talk to anybody and get the nice hard slap in the face of realizing you cant depend on anyone. thats when you realize it would just be better to grab your temporary cure and escape to where theres no pain and you dont have to face the cruel harsh truth about reality.
its truly amazing how you can gain so much from losing so much. i never thought i would gain anything from my dads passing away. in a sense i guess i have become a stronger person. i now realize the error of my ways, i realize that drinking isnt going to solve a damn thing or make things better. it just makes it worse.
to some, i may be happy go lucky and when asked about my dad i speak with no emotion or feeling & not making eye contact, for fear that someone might see all the hurt that i hold behind these eyes, but thats the complete opposite. from a situation like this, you learn how to bottle up all those emotions and put them somewhere where they cant get out. with all of this, you learn how to fight the tremendous knot in your throat when you speak of that matter, when you can finally talk about that one soft spot without a shaking voice, watery eyes, or a quivering lip, even though that knot is still lingering there in your throat, you manage to swallow it and speak about your loss. when you can do that, THAT is when you have fully learned how to bottle up those some familiar and some strange emotions. it may seem like a huge accomplishment and you may think youre finally on your road to recovery, but when you get THAT good at hiding your emotions, it just gets even worse. soooo much worse.
i understand that drinking didnt and will not solve anything. i know my dad wouldnt want me to be like this. i try to right the wrongs i have in my life and get back on track by trying to get his voice inside my head telling me to do the right thing. but what you DONT understand is that its painfully hard trying to get his voice inside of your head to help you, only you cant even remember what his voice sounded like. i guarantee you neither one of you has felt like that once in your lifetime.
to clear one last thing up, the next time you want to say "you're using your dad dying as an excuse to drink" think about all those things that i have just wrote right there. do u STILL think its an excuse? after all that i have been through, all the tears that i have cried, thats the LAST thing that is is an excuse. believe it or not, and i almost dont believe it myself, i HAVE come to terms with my dad passing away. i have excepted the fact that he is gone. no amount of drinking or crying is going to bring him back. god himself could not bring him back to me and ive come to realize that after almost a year. january 31st of last year, from that day on, has been complete torture and hell for me. it was one of the roughest years i have ever had and i was only 16. ive come to believe that that is the worst thing that could ever happen to me and nothing will ever be as bad as that. whats even worse, is how i wasted one whole entire year drinking away to what i thought was going to help me.
i believe i am stronger than i ever will be emotionally for the rest of my life. i made my problems grow bigger and worse by drinking and letting myself fall apart. yes, im still very hurt by the fact that i will never see or hear my dad ever again, but i except it and i have to move on. im sure it will get easier as time passes, but the unbearable pain of missing him so incredibly bad and having no way of easing that pain will be with me forever. i have to admit, im not fully at ease with this whole thing after a year, and right now i didnt feel the need to fight the knot in my throat. all i have left of my dad is the memories. ive learned that bottling up my emotions and drinking them away doesnt help at all. the only thing that helps is to look back at all the good times ive had with my dad, even the bad. it helps to let it all out and cry until you cant cry anymore. i love him, and i always will, even if he isnt here.
im not expecting anyone to understand this even though i have explained it my best. i only hope you look past of what i show on the outside because inside this head of mine are things no one else in this world could ever understand unless theyve experienced it. i dont wish this kind of pain upon anyone because no one deserves this. there is a reason for everything, and only good can come to me from here on out.
ive learned alot for someone my age, and ive probably experienced more hardships than i should have at 16. its all for the best though. everyone has different ways of coping through their rough times. even though mine was the wrong way and probably the worst way, i have stopped it before it became a serious problem. i have learned from my mistakes. although i still dont think i should be scolded or looked down upon for using drinking as my escape, if thats how you think of me, 'using it as an excuse' then there is nothing i can do about it. that 10 letter sentence was more than that just a cruel spiteful insult to me, it was an eye opener.
i now see that there are ugly people in this world who will do anything and everything they can to bring you down to make themselves feel better. those types of people will get nowhere in life and i truly feel sorry for them. im sorry that they dont hold the amount of strength that i hold for someone of my stature, the only thing they hold is ignorance. im well on my way to doing something with my life and im going places, im just sorry for the people who arent.
im going to make it, and im going to be okay. its almost one year since my dad died and im ready to face that day again. i will not get stuck in that hole ever again, and i will not let my weaknesses take over. im ready to start my life again and live it to the fullest. my dad would want to see me succeed, not become an alcoholic. from here on out, whatever i do, im going to do it for him. even though he isnt here to watch me grow up and accomplish many great things, he can still see me and i dont want to dissappoint him. one year of my life - wasted. not happening.. ever again.
which brings me to my point, your opinions about me and my life are neither desired nor required. i dont ask for it, and i dont care to hear it. think what you want of me. i know what i have to do in life and im going to do it. ive made plenty of mistakes already but ive learned from them and never again will i let myself hit rock bottom like that. after reading this, if you still think its an excuse then there is no hope for you. youre a sad excuse for a human being and youre going nowhere unless you change your ways. you did not hurt me in any way, shape, or form like you thought you were going to. it only made me realize how much ive grown and learned and i actually thank you for it. if you didnt understand any little bit of this whole entire novel then i have once again proven my point.