(no subject)
at this point i feel its almost to much to ask to just want to feel like i belong somewhere. when i lived with my parents i never felt like i belonged there. i just passed the time till i could get out of there and get out on my own. i thought getting out on my own would be the best thing in the world, that i would be the happiest person ever. but then i got kicked out, and ended up here and i feel like ill never get the life i always wanted. is it to much to ask for to just want to be happy? i've started cutting again, its like this bitter sweet feeling. when im doing it i love it but when im done i hate it. its like i get to this point where i feel i can't live with out it, or breathe or even function for that matter so i cut and feel better. but then later i feel so horrible because i gave up all this progress and then i want to start working on quitting again. its like a vicious never ending cycle that im not very sure ill ever get out of. lately i have been having this vision in my head...its like a fantasy or something im not really sure. but its just me packing up all my shit in my car and just driving. im not really sure where im going in that vision, im just aimlessly driving with some sad soft song in the back ground. but when ever i think of that i get this huge sense of calmness and freedom over me and i just wish i could keep that and have it never go away. that would be nice. im just so tired of being sad...depressed...feeling like this day in and day out. im getting to the point where i feel myself not caring anymore...getting to the point where all i want is to curl up in a tiny little ball and die. i hate all of this!!! my new meds for my headache are making me feel like crap. i feel sick every day. i have to increase the dose for the final time tomorrow and im not looking foward to it. im already so out of it and so sick i don't even want to know whats going to happen when i have to take a higher dose. in the last 4 weeks i have lost around 37 pounds because of these meds, i hate the way they make me feel. it all just sucks. man why can't things just get better!!!!