Too Fat for Thirty?
It's the Thursday of my "Spring Break", and I'm sitting on the couch watching tv. I'm watching "Too Fat for Fifteen". It's a show about overweight teens who attend a special school to help them lose weight. I LOOOOVE shows about weight loss. I used to watch Biggest Loser all the time, but I've grown tired of that show. But "Too Fat...", "Ruby", "Heavy", etc. I like watching these shows because these people offer me hope and inspiration.
So I have to ask myself why I just ate a HUGE piece of cake right before I got the laptop to write this. With the exception of about 3 pieces, I ate the entire cake over the course of the week. And not just cake, but ice cream, cereal, etc. Why can't I stop myself from eating?
Throughout the day - my diet rocks. "Clean" oatmeal for breakfast, healthy snacks (low calorie string cheese, greek yogurt, fruit, raw almonds), good lunch with lots of veggies. Then for some reason when I get home, the $&it hits the fan. I cook dinner, eat however much I want of it. Then when Shane goes to bed or plays the Xbox, and I can maintain some resemblance of isolation, I'll sneak food - specifically sweets. It's like something takes over my brain, and I let myself gorge on food. But I know what I'm doing is wrong. I sit there while I'm eating telling myself that I shouldn't be doing it. But then I rationalize that this is the last time; I'll start over in the morning and add exercise to the mix. But more times than not, I'm back to it the following evening.
I don't really think I'm hungry - in fact I know I'm not hungry. But the sugar calls out to me. A lot of times I'm up late studying, so it sometimes seems like a good idea to take a snack break. Other times I'm tired or bored and get a snack. So considering that I know what my problem is, I identify that I'm an emotional eater, then one would think it would be easy to overcome it. But it never really is.
About 2 years ago we brought our son home from the hospital, and I eventually stopped pumping breast milk. So, without breast feeding, I wasn't burning away the calories, but I still ate like I was pregnant. I put on a shirt one day that I had worn for years, and it fit so oddly and tightly around my stomach. I was disgusted with myself. So I got on Weight Watchers (for the 3rd time), and slowly incorporated exercise into my daily routine. At the end of 2009, I had lost almost 40 lbs and was running 4 to 5 miles at a stretch.
So what happened? Life happened... Throughout 2010 I continued to exercise, but I let up on the dieting. I quit WW (again), thinking I didn't want to keep tracking every bite I ate. My son grew up and became more active. He wants more of our time and attention, and I began feeling guilty if I would take time away from him to try and exercise. I still do... And because I wasn't focused on my diet, I just quit eating right. I was able to maintain the same weight for the most part until the end of 2010. Then I started a new job, and my routine totally took a bad hit. I've probably gained back close to 10 pounds - and eating that ginormous piece of cake tonight obviously didn't help.
The first thing I realized about my new job is that these people like to eat! But I've been able to combat some of the social eating with bringing my own lunches. But... well, read all of the above. I just cannot stop myself from eating at night. I guess technically I can because I've done it before. I just don't understand why I let my willpower die like it has.
So after writing all this, I'm hoping reading it back to myself will be a sign of recommitment. That starting this weekend, there will be no more random snacking. If I do crave something I make a healthy choice and I eat a normal portion. I already told my husband to make sure I get up at 5am so I can get in the exercise. I need to schedule all the time I can to be sure I can do what I need to do (family, work, school) and eat right and exercise.
I can do it because I have to. I won't let myself get big again...
So I have to ask myself why I just ate a HUGE piece of cake right before I got the laptop to write this. With the exception of about 3 pieces, I ate the entire cake over the course of the week. And not just cake, but ice cream, cereal, etc. Why can't I stop myself from eating?
Throughout the day - my diet rocks. "Clean" oatmeal for breakfast, healthy snacks (low calorie string cheese, greek yogurt, fruit, raw almonds), good lunch with lots of veggies. Then for some reason when I get home, the $&it hits the fan. I cook dinner, eat however much I want of it. Then when Shane goes to bed or plays the Xbox, and I can maintain some resemblance of isolation, I'll sneak food - specifically sweets. It's like something takes over my brain, and I let myself gorge on food. But I know what I'm doing is wrong. I sit there while I'm eating telling myself that I shouldn't be doing it. But then I rationalize that this is the last time; I'll start over in the morning and add exercise to the mix. But more times than not, I'm back to it the following evening.
I don't really think I'm hungry - in fact I know I'm not hungry. But the sugar calls out to me. A lot of times I'm up late studying, so it sometimes seems like a good idea to take a snack break. Other times I'm tired or bored and get a snack. So considering that I know what my problem is, I identify that I'm an emotional eater, then one would think it would be easy to overcome it. But it never really is.
About 2 years ago we brought our son home from the hospital, and I eventually stopped pumping breast milk. So, without breast feeding, I wasn't burning away the calories, but I still ate like I was pregnant. I put on a shirt one day that I had worn for years, and it fit so oddly and tightly around my stomach. I was disgusted with myself. So I got on Weight Watchers (for the 3rd time), and slowly incorporated exercise into my daily routine. At the end of 2009, I had lost almost 40 lbs and was running 4 to 5 miles at a stretch.
So what happened? Life happened... Throughout 2010 I continued to exercise, but I let up on the dieting. I quit WW (again), thinking I didn't want to keep tracking every bite I ate. My son grew up and became more active. He wants more of our time and attention, and I began feeling guilty if I would take time away from him to try and exercise. I still do... And because I wasn't focused on my diet, I just quit eating right. I was able to maintain the same weight for the most part until the end of 2010. Then I started a new job, and my routine totally took a bad hit. I've probably gained back close to 10 pounds - and eating that ginormous piece of cake tonight obviously didn't help.
The first thing I realized about my new job is that these people like to eat! But I've been able to combat some of the social eating with bringing my own lunches. But... well, read all of the above. I just cannot stop myself from eating at night. I guess technically I can because I've done it before. I just don't understand why I let my willpower die like it has.
So after writing all this, I'm hoping reading it back to myself will be a sign of recommitment. That starting this weekend, there will be no more random snacking. If I do crave something I make a healthy choice and I eat a normal portion. I already told my husband to make sure I get up at 5am so I can get in the exercise. I need to schedule all the time I can to be sure I can do what I need to do (family, work, school) and eat right and exercise.
I can do it because I have to. I won't let myself get big again...