Startlingly clear that we are all alone
So I'm trying really hard not to have a complete emotional breakdown today. I started off this morning with a fight, I wont go into details of what happened, but I haven't been as hurt by somone as I was today since my mother left me when I was 7. I'm not using that reference to say "poor me" or to gain pity from anyone. It's just the most relevant amount of emotional anguish that I've had to deal with in my life. Except the shit with my mother wasn't so sharp, mostly because I was 7 years old and didnt quite understand what was happening and she wasnt in front of me looking at me with complete hostility and hatred in her eyes.
So without the details though, I've slept only about 5 hours total in the last two days, I've had the most hurtful fight I've had since I've become an adult, I've got no money to get around, I've got nobody who actually wants to be there to help me defuse. The friends and people that I have talked to have given me advice but don't have the time to talk to me, or have shit they have to do. The only person that never turns away and leaves me to explode is the one that this happened withm and now she's going to see a movie, which I dont blame her...I would love it if I could be doing anything with people besides sitting at home trying not to break.
I dunno...I guess I'm the only one to blame though. Nobody owes me anything and I cant expect that anybody cares after I've used up everyones support and good intentions over the years. I'm also terrible at paying people back money and basically am a complete wast of time as far as trying to help me move forward goes. All I do is use people, even if thats not my intention.
If anyone wants to be used one last time, I could really use the money for a gun and a bullet so I can just solve the problem at it's source. I cant seem to find a way to get along in life, so maybe I should just get done with it.
of course I wont do anything stupid, I'm much too afraid to die, not like it matters to anyone anyways.
I'm also not trying to make anyone feel bad about themselves, it's not anybody else besides my own responsibility to be there for me.
I'm just angry
and alone.
fuck it.
So without the details though, I've slept only about 5 hours total in the last two days, I've had the most hurtful fight I've had since I've become an adult, I've got no money to get around, I've got nobody who actually wants to be there to help me defuse. The friends and people that I have talked to have given me advice but don't have the time to talk to me, or have shit they have to do. The only person that never turns away and leaves me to explode is the one that this happened withm and now she's going to see a movie, which I dont blame her...I would love it if I could be doing anything with people besides sitting at home trying not to break.
I dunno...I guess I'm the only one to blame though. Nobody owes me anything and I cant expect that anybody cares after I've used up everyones support and good intentions over the years. I'm also terrible at paying people back money and basically am a complete wast of time as far as trying to help me move forward goes. All I do is use people, even if thats not my intention.
If anyone wants to be used one last time, I could really use the money for a gun and a bullet so I can just solve the problem at it's source. I cant seem to find a way to get along in life, so maybe I should just get done with it.
of course I wont do anything stupid, I'm much too afraid to die, not like it matters to anyone anyways.
I'm also not trying to make anyone feel bad about themselves, it's not anybody else besides my own responsibility to be there for me.
I'm just angry
and alone.
fuck it.