Always Ch4 ~finale~
ALWAYS - CHAPTER IV
Holding the phone to his ear as he walked Tatsuya listened to the rings on the other end of the line, counting them as he waited for Kame to pick up.
“Moshi moshi, Uebo? What’s up?” Ueda stopped walking, standing perfectly still and closing his eyes.
“I give up Kame,” he said quietly.
“Eh? What do you mean? Are you alright?” Ueda took a deep breath.
“Koki, he’s all yours,”
“Hah!? What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense,” Ueda swallowed thickly, fighting off tears.
“It’s you he wants now I guess, so he’s all yours, I just hope he doesn’t hurt you,”
“Uebo, wait, I don’t-”
“It’s okay Kame, I know you might not get it now, and I don’t blame you for anything, you’re not the one at fault, just…bye,”
Ueda hung up the phone, shoving it back into his pocket as started walking again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jin stood at the entrance to the shrine with Maru watching Junno and Kame climb shakily into a taxi. To his credit Kame had made it through the entire ceremony and most of the wake, but he had been shivering and had gone very pale in the last hour or so and by the time he had started leaning slightly against Junno’s shoulder to stay upright the rest of them had decided for him that it would probably be a good idea for him to go home.
Not wanting to leave Kame on his own Junno had offered to go with him and Kame had no complaint. Though before they left Kame had hesitantly asked after their missing member, Jin had only shaken his head, and Nakamaru had promised them both that he and Jin would check up on him.
Now as the taxi rolled out of sight behind the curtain of rain Jin sighed, catching Nakamaru’s attention.
“Come on Nakamaru, I know he wouldn’t let us in before but we can’t stop trying,” Nakamaru sighed.
“I don’t think he’s seen or spoken to anyone since you tried to talk to him,”
“I know, but we promised Kame and Taguchi, and he’s our band-mate and our friend,” Nakamaru shut his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Let’s go,” he said quietly.
The made the silent decision to walk the few blocks to Koki’s apartment building and once outside his door, shivering slightly on the open-air walkway simultaneously raised their fists and rapping them against the painted metal and calling out to him.
“Koki!”
“It’s Nakamaru and Akanishi! Open up!”
They were hardly surprised when there was no reply. Nakamaru sighed and rubbed his eyes, he’d had about four hours sleep in as many days and he just plain didn’t have the patience for this anymore, at this rate he was either going to go ballistic or break down and cry and he didn’t particularly want to do either.
Jin glanced at him in concern and hastened to try again.
“Koki, god dammit, please would you talk to us, staying in there on your own isn’t going to bring him back!”
When he got no response for a second time he slammed his fist against the wall beside the door in frustration and, without thinking, reached out for the handle. Wrenching mindlessly at it he was surprised when it gave no resistance and he stumbled forward slightly as the door swung open. After blinking at the open door he turned to Maru who wore a matching look of disbelief.
“You mean the door was fucking open all the time?” Jin muttered.
“Give me a fucking break,” Nakamaru grumbled, rubbing his eyes again.
“Come on, let’s go get him,”
Making their way slowly into the apartment, toeing off their shoes in the genkan almost on autopilot as they tried to discern which room Koki was in it dawned on them both that it was very very quite in here. There was no sound of movement, of crying, even of the deep breathing that signified sleep…
While Maru headed down the hall to the bedroom and Koki’s spare room Jin stepped towards the bathroom, the light in there wasn’t on but the door was ajar. He slowly pushed the door open and the softly flooding natural daylight trickling in through the curtains in the hallway and living room washed over Koki where he stood at the sink staring fixedly on the razor lying on the rim.
In one swift motion Jin had leapt forward, grabbed up the razor, hurled it into the bin beneath the sink and yanked Koki around to face him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you Tanaka!?” he yelled hoarsely, still shaking from the shock of seeing his band-mate stare at a sharp object like he was about to make very close acquaintances with it.
“I wasn’t…I just…I don’t…” Koki stuttered helplessly, his voice cracking, and rather than let him stand and cry in the dim light of the bathroom Jin pulled him by his sleeve out into the hallway and across into the living room. Drawn by Jin’s shout Nakamaru quickly joined them, looking confused and concerned.
Koki pressed his hands against his face.
“I don’t deserve this,” he groaned. Jin blinked at him in confusion.
“What are you talking about?”
“Life. If Tatsuya is dead, and it’s my fault, I don’t deserve life, if either of us had to die it should have been me!” Koki’s shoulders shook and he doubled over where he sat. Nakamaru sank into the seat beside him. Jin closed his eyes for a moment and bit his lip, willing himself not to cry.
“Koki,” he started slowly, and when Koki didn’t move or look up at him he grabbed his wrists and jerked him around to face him, making him meet his eyes.
“Koki, I understand how you feel, but you locking yourself away, thinking of dying, letting yourself drown in your own grief and guilt…isn’t going to bring Uebo back, and it doesn’t do anyone any good,” Nakamaru rested a hand on Koki’s shoulder.
“I know you Koki, and I know you’re blaming yourself, telling yourself that his death was your fault, but it wasn’t,” Koki hesitantly turned to face him, his eyes wide and wet and confused.
“But Yucchi, I-”
“You were an idiot, you were childish with your feelings and you hurt the one you loved, but you didn’t kill him, and as much as you seem to keep telling yourself so, Tatsuya’s death was not suicide, it wasn’t your fault,” Koki shook his head and stared down at his lap as tears welled up in his eyes.
“I said stupid horrible things Yucchi, if I’d been honest, if I hadn’t treated him so badly he wouldn’t have been out there on his own, he’d have been here with me,” Koki’s voice cracked and his screwed up his eyes, biting down hard on his lip.
“Koki,” Jin’s voice was hard, and when the others looked at him his face was set, his jaw clenched, trying to stave back his tears. See how much we all miss you, Tat-chan. Why can’t you come back…? He took a deep breath before trying to speak again.
“Koki, instead of tearing yourself up, feeling sorry for yourself, and filling your head with ‘maybe’s and ‘what if’s, the one thing you can do from him, to show your real feelings, even if you couldn’t while he was still here, is to remember him,” Nakamaru and Koki stared at him, their eyes glassy with grief, and he felt his dam on his own intolerable sadness beginning to break, and it showed in his voice.
“If he can’t be alive here with us, we can keep him alive in memory,” he took a deep breath and gripped Koki’s hands, gifting him with a small, sad smile.
“Always,”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tatsuya dragged the back of his hands over his eyes and took a shuddering breath as he walked over the bridge in Harajuku, vaguely wondering where exactly he was taking himself. If he kept walking from here in a straight line without turning down any side roads he’d eventually get to a park, it wasn’t big, there was no playground or sports areas, it was just someplace nice to visit in the spring and the summer, somewhere people liked to take their dogs, where he’d sometimes even take Eri…maybe that was where his feet were carrying him to.
He blinked in surprise when the buzzing of his phone as it vibrated reached his ears from his pocket, wiping away more accumulated tears he reached for his phone, checking the caller ID in the front screen, Tanaka Koki.
Tatsuya bit his lip and screwed up his eyes. He tightened his hold around the phone, the weak vibrations spreading through his palm and fingers before, without thinking, he hurled it off the side of the bridge and down into the black water below.
He sighed and opened his eyes. He was going to regret that later, and he knew he’d probably be more than angry with himself for acting so impulsively, but right now he hardly cared.
In what seemed like much less time than it probably was in reality he’d reached the park. As he stepped through the gates at the main park entrance a tiny white speck close to his head caught his eye and he stopped.
Snow.
It had started to snow. He stood and watched the gently descending flakes grow in number and drop a veil over the park.
After a moment he carried on walking and saw that the ground was already almost completely white, even as the thought occurred to him he could tell it was getting heavier.
No matter how many times he rubbed his eyes and blinked back his tears he couldn’t stop them. I’m such a cry-baby, so girly, it’s silly, even if he kept telling himself so he could only smile sadly at his own weakness and keep on crying. In time, as he was trying again to tell himself to calm down and stop crying he reached the large pond at the back on the park. It wasn’t cold enough yet for it to have frozen over so it just glittered reflecting the lights of the lampposts lining it’s edges.
Tatsuya sank down and sat with his knees drawn up and his arms wrapped around his legs beside the water and stared across the shimmering black expanse to the silhouetted trees opposite, dotted here and there with the yellow-white light of the lampposts, and beyond that the tops of tall buildings washed over with the orange glow of the street lights, every so often dancing with the beam from passing cars’ headlights.
Tatsuya sighed as he felt fresh tears rolling quietly down his cheeks and closed his eyes. He felt so tired, before now he had walked endlessly, cried endlessly, and now he had stopped he was so, so tired. Sighing again, drowsiness sliding over him like a down blanket he let himself lie on his side, still staring at the shiny black surface of the water in front of him. He shouldn’t lie here, he shouldn’t let himself fall asleep, and he knew that, but he was so tired…
As he felt his eyelids lowering of their own accord and as his vision began to haze, warping the trees, the buildings and the lights into a gentle mess of colour Tatsuya smiled sadly as he thought of Koki again.
“Even now,” he whispered, drowsily incredulous, his voice already hoarse “I know I’ll go on loving you,” he let his eyes slip shut.
“Always…”
終わり
Holding the phone to his ear as he walked Tatsuya listened to the rings on the other end of the line, counting them as he waited for Kame to pick up.
“Moshi moshi, Uebo? What’s up?” Ueda stopped walking, standing perfectly still and closing his eyes.
“I give up Kame,” he said quietly.
“Eh? What do you mean? Are you alright?” Ueda took a deep breath.
“Koki, he’s all yours,”
“Hah!? What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense,” Ueda swallowed thickly, fighting off tears.
“It’s you he wants now I guess, so he’s all yours, I just hope he doesn’t hurt you,”
“Uebo, wait, I don’t-”
“It’s okay Kame, I know you might not get it now, and I don’t blame you for anything, you’re not the one at fault, just…bye,”
Ueda hung up the phone, shoving it back into his pocket as started walking again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jin stood at the entrance to the shrine with Maru watching Junno and Kame climb shakily into a taxi. To his credit Kame had made it through the entire ceremony and most of the wake, but he had been shivering and had gone very pale in the last hour or so and by the time he had started leaning slightly against Junno’s shoulder to stay upright the rest of them had decided for him that it would probably be a good idea for him to go home.
Not wanting to leave Kame on his own Junno had offered to go with him and Kame had no complaint. Though before they left Kame had hesitantly asked after their missing member, Jin had only shaken his head, and Nakamaru had promised them both that he and Jin would check up on him.
Now as the taxi rolled out of sight behind the curtain of rain Jin sighed, catching Nakamaru’s attention.
“Come on Nakamaru, I know he wouldn’t let us in before but we can’t stop trying,” Nakamaru sighed.
“I don’t think he’s seen or spoken to anyone since you tried to talk to him,”
“I know, but we promised Kame and Taguchi, and he’s our band-mate and our friend,” Nakamaru shut his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Let’s go,” he said quietly.
The made the silent decision to walk the few blocks to Koki’s apartment building and once outside his door, shivering slightly on the open-air walkway simultaneously raised their fists and rapping them against the painted metal and calling out to him.
“Koki!”
“It’s Nakamaru and Akanishi! Open up!”
They were hardly surprised when there was no reply. Nakamaru sighed and rubbed his eyes, he’d had about four hours sleep in as many days and he just plain didn’t have the patience for this anymore, at this rate he was either going to go ballistic or break down and cry and he didn’t particularly want to do either.
Jin glanced at him in concern and hastened to try again.
“Koki, god dammit, please would you talk to us, staying in there on your own isn’t going to bring him back!”
When he got no response for a second time he slammed his fist against the wall beside the door in frustration and, without thinking, reached out for the handle. Wrenching mindlessly at it he was surprised when it gave no resistance and he stumbled forward slightly as the door swung open. After blinking at the open door he turned to Maru who wore a matching look of disbelief.
“You mean the door was fucking open all the time?” Jin muttered.
“Give me a fucking break,” Nakamaru grumbled, rubbing his eyes again.
“Come on, let’s go get him,”
Making their way slowly into the apartment, toeing off their shoes in the genkan almost on autopilot as they tried to discern which room Koki was in it dawned on them both that it was very very quite in here. There was no sound of movement, of crying, even of the deep breathing that signified sleep…
While Maru headed down the hall to the bedroom and Koki’s spare room Jin stepped towards the bathroom, the light in there wasn’t on but the door was ajar. He slowly pushed the door open and the softly flooding natural daylight trickling in through the curtains in the hallway and living room washed over Koki where he stood at the sink staring fixedly on the razor lying on the rim.
In one swift motion Jin had leapt forward, grabbed up the razor, hurled it into the bin beneath the sink and yanked Koki around to face him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you Tanaka!?” he yelled hoarsely, still shaking from the shock of seeing his band-mate stare at a sharp object like he was about to make very close acquaintances with it.
“I wasn’t…I just…I don’t…” Koki stuttered helplessly, his voice cracking, and rather than let him stand and cry in the dim light of the bathroom Jin pulled him by his sleeve out into the hallway and across into the living room. Drawn by Jin’s shout Nakamaru quickly joined them, looking confused and concerned.
Koki pressed his hands against his face.
“I don’t deserve this,” he groaned. Jin blinked at him in confusion.
“What are you talking about?”
“Life. If Tatsuya is dead, and it’s my fault, I don’t deserve life, if either of us had to die it should have been me!” Koki’s shoulders shook and he doubled over where he sat. Nakamaru sank into the seat beside him. Jin closed his eyes for a moment and bit his lip, willing himself not to cry.
“Koki,” he started slowly, and when Koki didn’t move or look up at him he grabbed his wrists and jerked him around to face him, making him meet his eyes.
“Koki, I understand how you feel, but you locking yourself away, thinking of dying, letting yourself drown in your own grief and guilt…isn’t going to bring Uebo back, and it doesn’t do anyone any good,” Nakamaru rested a hand on Koki’s shoulder.
“I know you Koki, and I know you’re blaming yourself, telling yourself that his death was your fault, but it wasn’t,” Koki hesitantly turned to face him, his eyes wide and wet and confused.
“But Yucchi, I-”
“You were an idiot, you were childish with your feelings and you hurt the one you loved, but you didn’t kill him, and as much as you seem to keep telling yourself so, Tatsuya’s death was not suicide, it wasn’t your fault,” Koki shook his head and stared down at his lap as tears welled up in his eyes.
“I said stupid horrible things Yucchi, if I’d been honest, if I hadn’t treated him so badly he wouldn’t have been out there on his own, he’d have been here with me,” Koki’s voice cracked and his screwed up his eyes, biting down hard on his lip.
“Koki,” Jin’s voice was hard, and when the others looked at him his face was set, his jaw clenched, trying to stave back his tears. See how much we all miss you, Tat-chan. Why can’t you come back…? He took a deep breath before trying to speak again.
“Koki, instead of tearing yourself up, feeling sorry for yourself, and filling your head with ‘maybe’s and ‘what if’s, the one thing you can do from him, to show your real feelings, even if you couldn’t while he was still here, is to remember him,” Nakamaru and Koki stared at him, their eyes glassy with grief, and he felt his dam on his own intolerable sadness beginning to break, and it showed in his voice.
“If he can’t be alive here with us, we can keep him alive in memory,” he took a deep breath and gripped Koki’s hands, gifting him with a small, sad smile.
“Always,”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tatsuya dragged the back of his hands over his eyes and took a shuddering breath as he walked over the bridge in Harajuku, vaguely wondering where exactly he was taking himself. If he kept walking from here in a straight line without turning down any side roads he’d eventually get to a park, it wasn’t big, there was no playground or sports areas, it was just someplace nice to visit in the spring and the summer, somewhere people liked to take their dogs, where he’d sometimes even take Eri…maybe that was where his feet were carrying him to.
He blinked in surprise when the buzzing of his phone as it vibrated reached his ears from his pocket, wiping away more accumulated tears he reached for his phone, checking the caller ID in the front screen, Tanaka Koki.
Tatsuya bit his lip and screwed up his eyes. He tightened his hold around the phone, the weak vibrations spreading through his palm and fingers before, without thinking, he hurled it off the side of the bridge and down into the black water below.
He sighed and opened his eyes. He was going to regret that later, and he knew he’d probably be more than angry with himself for acting so impulsively, but right now he hardly cared.
In what seemed like much less time than it probably was in reality he’d reached the park. As he stepped through the gates at the main park entrance a tiny white speck close to his head caught his eye and he stopped.
Snow.
It had started to snow. He stood and watched the gently descending flakes grow in number and drop a veil over the park.
After a moment he carried on walking and saw that the ground was already almost completely white, even as the thought occurred to him he could tell it was getting heavier.
No matter how many times he rubbed his eyes and blinked back his tears he couldn’t stop them. I’m such a cry-baby, so girly, it’s silly, even if he kept telling himself so he could only smile sadly at his own weakness and keep on crying. In time, as he was trying again to tell himself to calm down and stop crying he reached the large pond at the back on the park. It wasn’t cold enough yet for it to have frozen over so it just glittered reflecting the lights of the lampposts lining it’s edges.
Tatsuya sank down and sat with his knees drawn up and his arms wrapped around his legs beside the water and stared across the shimmering black expanse to the silhouetted trees opposite, dotted here and there with the yellow-white light of the lampposts, and beyond that the tops of tall buildings washed over with the orange glow of the street lights, every so often dancing with the beam from passing cars’ headlights.
Tatsuya sighed as he felt fresh tears rolling quietly down his cheeks and closed his eyes. He felt so tired, before now he had walked endlessly, cried endlessly, and now he had stopped he was so, so tired. Sighing again, drowsiness sliding over him like a down blanket he let himself lie on his side, still staring at the shiny black surface of the water in front of him. He shouldn’t lie here, he shouldn’t let himself fall asleep, and he knew that, but he was so tired…
As he felt his eyelids lowering of their own accord and as his vision began to haze, warping the trees, the buildings and the lights into a gentle mess of colour Tatsuya smiled sadly as he thought of Koki again.
“Even now,” he whispered, drowsily incredulous, his voice already hoarse “I know I’ll go on loving you,” he let his eyes slip shut.
“Always…”
終わり