Whisper in The Darkness - Chapter 9
Finally finished this chapter! Happy! ^_^
WHISPER IN THE DARKNESS - CHAPTER NINE
He blinks, pauses, blinks again, nothing, nothing but black…
…darkness…again…
Tries to move his arms, his hands, turn his head, it makes no difference…
…nothing but darkness…going on forever…
…forever? Really…forever?
…will it be dark like this forever?
…I can’t breathe…
And then the teeth, pitch black, blending into the dark…no, these teeth…belong to the dark…
That feeling again…that horrible feeling like I’m being devoured by darkness itself…
Itai…it hurts…make it stop!
And then, not a tooth, not a bite, a blade, thrust from nowhere, bright black pain in his eyes…
MAKE IT STOP!
“…up!”
“…wake up!”
“Ueda! Wake up!”
Shooting bolt upright, a frenzied screaming burning his ears, Ueda gripped the upper arms of the person shaking his shoulders before he realised the scream was coming from his own mouth and the one shaking him in an effort to extract him from his nightmare was Ryo. His scream tapered off into ragged, harsh breaths as his fingers convulsively gripped and re-gripped Ryo’s arms. Cold sweat slid down his spine and chest and dampened his hair soaking through his fringe and the bandage beneath it.
His chest heaved as he slowly assured himself that although the darkness wasn’t gone, although he was still swamped in blackness he was no longer asleep and the cruel black teeth of his nightmare world no longer threatened him. He was in his own bed, in his apartment, with Ryo. All day Ryo had stayed by his side as much as humanly possible, after having brought him home the previous day when he heard about what had happened.
Ueda could only vaguely recall exactly what had happened after the drink can - as it had been revealed to be - had collided with his head. He remembered being half carried from the canteen and up to the band’s room, probably by Kame and Maru, as he had heard Jin and Koki’s livid voices, raised in anger and disbelief as they scolded their kouhais.
Kame must have called Ryo as he was there within moments and had brought him home. By this time Ueda had been more or less responsive so Ryo had assured the rest of the band not to worry too much and that he would take care of him.
His efforts to comfort Ueda all evening had been commendable and Ueda knew he should show his appreciation more clearly but he could only sit with his knees drawn up and his arms wrapped tightly around himself, listening to the mixture of sounds from outside his window and the sounds of Ryo moving around him.
That night the nightmare he had seen repeatedly while he had been hospitalised returned full force, no, more than full force. It had grown, escalated, mutated, it was a rapidly growing monster that raged behind his eyes and refused him easy sleep. He had thrashed and screamed beneath the covers until Ryo had managed to wake him up.
After shaking his shoulders and calling his name repeatedly he had succeeded in waking his screaming colleague who had frozen for a moment before sitting up and pressing his palms over his eyes, silent and still for a moment in which Ryo didn’t dare to move, to speak or to touch him, then he had hunched over, quietly sobbing, his tears soaking through the bandage around his head. Ryo had hesitantly wrapped his arms around Ueda’s shoulders and held him until he stopped crying and assured him he was alright now.
Though as soon as Ryo left the room again he considered sleeping while biting down on a mouthful of coverlet, to stop himself screaming, but he figured he’d just end up suffocating himself.
Now as his breathing evened out he relaxed his grip on Ryo’s arms and let his hands fall lifelessly into his lap. He bowed his head and took a deep breath, resisting the urge to lift his hands to his eyes.
He had never felt more pathetic in his life, not when he had cried in front of countless people, not when he had stood atop a high dive, barely able to move from fear of heights, never. Screaming and crying like a child frightened by bad dreams about imaginary monsters under the bed or in the cupboards.
Pathetic.
Pathetic and helpless.
He hated it. Hated feeling so constantly afraid, so on edge, so fragile. He wasn’t supposed to be fucking fragile; he was supposed to be an adult wasn’t he?
With similar thoughts in mind that morning he had tried to insist on going into work as usual, but the second he suggested it he could practically feel Ryo’s look of disagreement. He said that under no circumstances would he let Ueda go to work, saying that he would also stay home with him. Ueda had tried to appeal to his sense of propriety by saying that his band needed him to be there and he couldn’t be taking days off work for his sake, but Ryo simply brushed him off saying NEWS would do just fine and he wasn’t working with Kanjani8 for the time being anyway. Plus, he pointed out, Ueda still couldn’t move around the apartment on his own with complete confidence yet.
Ueda had given in, too tired and still too shaken up to put up any real fight. He had been unable to do much all day, trying and failing to respond to Ryo’s attempts to keep his spirits up. After slowly munching their way through a silent meal that Ueda had barely tasted and would have trouble remembering the contents of later, Ueda had shakily risen and said quietly that he would go to bed early. He was feeling light-headed and completely drained.
He had attempted to make his own way slowly across the living room from the kitchen but had had to have Ryo save him from walking into something. Ryo’s arms on his suddenly directing him around the intruding item of furniture had brought a surprised blush to his cheeks and he had stood just inside the doorway of his bedroom, stock still, listening to his own heartbeat for a moment before he registered Ryo’s soft ‘Goodnight’, responded and closed the door behind him.
Now he had awoken for the second time in as many nights, pulled desperately from the jaws of a horrendous nightmare by Ryo, who was still holding on to his shoulders as though waiting for him to start crying again. Thankfully however, Ueda didn’t feel like crying. He was tired, exhausted, drained, wanted nothing more than to just fall back against his pillows and sleep. But he was afraid of the nightmare coming back for a third time. His breathing had barely evened out when Ryo’s voice reached him, soft and comforting.
“Ueda? Are you okay?” he nodded slowly.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine, sorry for waking you,”
“What are you talking about, if I hadn’t woken up you’d have gone on dreaming,” Ueda bowed his head further and said nothing, knowing that Ryo was right but not wanting to think about how pathetic he was, needing to be pulled out of his own bad dreams.
“What happened?” Ryo asked suddenly. His hands still hadn’t moved and Ueda thought absently about how much he liked the warm weight of Ryo’s palms against his shoulders, the curl of his fingers around his arms.
“Ueda? In your dream, what happens?”
Ueda froze and said nothing for a moment, debating in his head whether or not to tell Ryo about the nightmare, the darkness that weighed down on him, slowly covering him in a suffocating layer of empty blackness, thick and cloying like molasses, then the gnawing feeling like the very darkness itself was made up of hundreds of little black mouths full of black teeth, chewing and biting, trying to rip him apart…then the blades like sharpened black ice, two of them, long and sharp like swords, through his eyes, through his brain and his skull…
He shuddered and turned his head away from Ryo, his tousled sweaty bangs falling messily over his face.
“Ueda? It’s okay, it’s not real, you’re not dreaming anymore, you can tell me, maybe it will help,” Ryo’s voice was small and slightly unsure, but insistent. He wanted so much to be able to help.
Ueda’s shoulders were still trembling beneath his hands, he slowly let go but didn’t move off the bed, watching Ueda measure his breaths for what seemed like an age before he slowly turned back to him, his voice small and slightly hoarse, shaky and barely audible.
“It’s…dark, completely black, I can’t see anything, I try but nothing makes a difference, I can’t even see myself…” he paused and held his hands before his face, moving the fingers slowly, randomly, independently of each other.
Ryo said nothing but waited for him to go on, watching his face until he broke his silence, his voice strained and trembling.
“I remember…I always think that the darkness is going to go on forever, that there’s nothing but darkness and I won’t ever see anything but black again…” he paused and clenched his hands into fists, dropping them into his lap.
“And then there’s…these…teeth…” the last word was barely more than a whisper and Ryo had to replay it in his mind to be sure he had heard right, even then he was unsure.
“Teeth?” he asked hesitantly, his voice soft, encouraging him to go on.
“I can’t see them, I just…feel them, lots and lots of teeth, lots of jaws, biting into me, trying to eat my whole body…” as he spoke he began to shudder, his shoulders shaking, his hair shivering in front of the sweat-dampened bandage.
“I can’t get rid of them, they just keep chewing, and it hurts, you’re not supposed to feel pain in dreams but I can, and it hurts, and then…” he trailed off, his fists tightening until his knuckles whitened and trembled in his lap. Ryo lifted his hand to touch his shoulder but hesitated, drawing back his hand and holding it close to himself.
“There’s…something else, isn’t there?” he asked gently. Ueda only nodded in response, biting his lip as he searched for the words.
“There’s something…like…I don’t know what it is, but it’s sharp…and it hurts…worse than anything…and it goes…through…” Ryo winced, and finally made the decision to touch him, gently picking both Ueda’s hands up and holding them in his own. The warmth wrapped around his hands actually quelled Ueda’s shivers somewhat but his shoulders still shook.
“Goes through…what, Ueda?” Ueda bit his lip and took a deep breath.
“My eyes,” he said hoarsely. His throat was beginning to ache as a result of his two night’s worth of terrified screaming. He swallowed thickly, coaxing his voice out again.
“It goes through both my eyes at once, and all the way through my head…then…then you woke me up,” no sooner were the words out of his mouth than Ryo had shifted closer, wrapped his arms around Ueda’s shoulders and pulled him into a protective embrace, his right hand pressed to his hair.
“I’m sorry Ueda,” he murmured. Ueda sat frozen for a moment before relaxing into Ryo’s arms.
“Eh? Why?”
“You’ve been dealing with these nightmares on your own, and for anyone else, at least if they dream of blackness, they can open their eyes and see that there is no blackness, but…” he trailed off.
“I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be here to help you, but I’m no help at all, letting you struggle on your own all this time,” Ueda slowly raised his arms to loosely return Ryo’s hesitant embrace.
“It’s not your fault Nishikido, I shouldn’t be so pathetic, and I shouldn’t need anyone’s help,”
“Baka, this is no ordinary situation, of course you need help, that doesn’t make you pathetic, it makes you a human, if our roles were reversed I would hope you’d be there to help me,” Ryo bit his lip as soon as he’d said it, what would Ueda think of that? Maybe he’d push him away, after all, he’d never given a real reason for insisting to be the one to take care of him, and perhaps Ueda would prefer Kamenashi or Nakamaru to be here instead but…
The hell with it, whether Ueda knew or realised how he felt wasn’t the most important thing, it wasn’t really important at all, not now. What was most important right now was Ueda’s recovery, and more than just the full return of his eye-sight but the end of his nightmares, the end of his fear, and the return of the smile like sunshine that everyone loved so much.
Ryo tightened his hold a little.
“I’m always here for you, okay? To go through this alone, in silence, is just too hard, for anyone, don’t think you have to handle this on your own,” Ueda was speechless for a moment.
In the past few months he had been unhappily convinced that he and Ryo were no more than friendly acquaintances, colleagues who got along, but hearing Ryo’s words, he found himself thinking the way he had the day he had run after him after work, hoping they could, someday, be much more than that.
“Nishikido-”
“Isn’t that getting to be a bit of a mouthful by now?”
“Eh?”
“I’m living with you, and we’re hardly strangers, call me Ryo,” Ueda’s heart slammed against his ribs and he absently wondered if Ryo could feel it.
“Then, R-Ryo,” he said hesitantly, “you should call me Tatsuya,” Ryo smiled into Ueda’s hair.
“Fine, Tatsuya it is,”
After a moment Ryo pulled back, his hands still on Ueda’s shoulders. For the first time since he had been pulled from his nightmare, Ueda raised his head. If they weren’t bandaged shut his eyes would have been on the same level as Ryo’s and he wished with all his heart he could see Ryo’s face, even if only for a moment.
“Tomorrow, we’ll go back to work, Kamenashi, Jin, Nakamaru, everyone, they all want to help you, and I’ll come see you in my breaks, you can always call me if you need me, just don’t sit in the darkness all on your own, okay?” Ueda smiled shakily, feeling a rose tinge spread on his cheeks.
“Okay,”
~~~
When Ueda and Ryo arrived at KAT-TUN’s room the next day, everyone leapt to their feet in unison.
“Tat-chan!”
“Uepi!”
“Uebo, you’re back!” Ueda smiled nervously. Why are you nervous? Baka.
Ryo rested his hand on his shoulder.
“I’ll see you later, okay?” Ueda nodded and smiled, assuring Ryo he would be fine. The second Ryo had left for his own band’s room Ueda felt Kame’s arm linking with his own.
“Are you feeling better Tat-chan? Are you okay now?” Ueda took a deep breath.
“I’m…better, I’m sorry for worrying you,” Nakamaru’s voice suddenly came from his other side.
“What rubbish are you talking? We’re just glad you’re back,” Koki slung his arm around Ueda’s shoulders.
“Nishikido better have been taking proper care of you Tat-chan,” Ueda sighed and playfully shrugged out of Koki’s hold.
“He’s been taking care of me just fine,” he said. He could almost feel Koki’s wolfish grin.
“Oh has he now!?” he said, Taguchi and Jin burst out laughing.
“Whose bed was it last night Uebo? Yours or his?” Jin teased. Kame gave him a look, but to his relief Ueda just smiled and folded his arms.
“Ryo sleeps in Ryo’s bed, I sleep in my bed, we’re not all horny perverted bastards like you Jin,” Nakamaru and Koki collapsed laughing and Kame hid a grin behind his hand. There was still a shadow over Ueda’s smile, but he was joking with them again. It would undoubtedly take a little while for the confidence he had built over the last week to regain the strength it had before the events of the other day, but they were sure he could do it.
Jin suddenly caught onto something and grinned slyly again.
“Oho? It’s ‘Ryo’ now? Is it ‘Tatsuya’ for him too?” but his teasing only widened Ueda’s smile.
“Of course, friends should call each other by their given names, right?” there was no comeback to that and, satisfied and pleased that Ueda was back at work and visibly feeling better, everyone drifted back to what they had been doing while they waited for their manager to show up.
Kame squeezed Ueda’s arm in his.
“Let’s work hard together today, okay Uebo?” Ueda smiled at him and nodded.
つづく
A/N みんなごめん! -bows deeply- I wanted to have this chapter done so much sooner, I’ve been working on it bit by bit all this time, I really have, but I have lots of Japanese homework (I got moved into a higher class with harder work and more homework) and I’ve been working on a couple of English assignments too. 大学がたいへん! Anyway, because of this I can’t make any promises about when the next chapter will be up, but I’ll be working on it whenever I can. Hope you’re still enjoying it ^_^