Oneshot - 冬の涙
Title: Fuyu no Namida
Pairing: RyoDa
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Warning: Death
Summary: Look...winter is crying for you...
冬の涙
Blue and yellow flowers, wasn’t that a bit…pathetic? Blue for me and yellow for you, right? Or blue for NEWS and yellow for Kanjani8 if you want…
Tatsuya sighed and lowered his head, still grasping the stems, only remembering at the last moment not to hold onto them too hard. They were flowers, they were fragile. Why is everything beautiful so…delicate?
He raised his head, taking a deep shuddering breath, and arranged the flowers on the grave, raising a trembling hand to light the incense with the lighter he had found in the bottom of a drawer. He looked up at the grave, raising a hand, tracing the engraved strokes of each Kanji.
“I don’t smoke, I don’t remember ever seeing you smoke, why was there a lighter in the house Ryo?”
There was of course, no answer.
Tatsuya, having been crouched, balanced on the balls of his feet, allowed himself to tip backwards and sit, with his knees drawn up, in front of the grave, staring at the flowers, watching the lazy plume of smoke as it rose over his head and dissipated into the air.
He bit his lip suddenly and buried his head in his knees, fighting off his tears. He refused to break down, he couldn’t afford to break down, he had to keep standing, stay upright, he couldn’t just fall into grief, he had a job, people who still needed him…even if the one person he really needed was no longer there…
Squeezing his eyes so tightly shut they hurt he rose slowly, shakily to his feet.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Oi! Hime!” Tatsuya, surprised and mildly annoyed by the sudden yell, turned, and was about to say something along the lines of ‘What the fuck do you want?’ when, before he’d even turned the full 180⁰, Nishikido Ryo grabbed the front of his shirt and tugged him forwards, melding their mouths over each other, moving slowly at first, until after a moment his tongue found its way to Tatsuya’s, coaxing it into a dance that made his brain explode.
Helpless against the feeling like fireworks in his chest and the perfect way Ryo’s mouth seemed to fit against his Tatsuya wound his arms around his neck and tilted his head, creating a deeper, more dizzying angle, provoking Ryo to wrap his arms around Tatsuya’s waist, pulling him ever closer until they wrenched apart, their chests heaving as they leant their foreheads together.
“So, that question I was going to ask, should I take this as a yes,”
Unable to coax his brain into coming up with an appropriate reply Tatsuya responded simply by fusing their mouths together again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tatsuya had no idea what the taxi driver said to him as he drove him back to his apartment. He should have been more concerned over the fact that he may well have been directly addressed more than once. But he couldn’t make himself care at all. Maybe the driver had looked into the rear view mirror and taken note of the way he leaned his temple against the window, staring at the scenery as though trying to memorise every detail. Though if he had been asked what he had seen as he drove home he wouldn’t have had the slightest clue.
He managed to thank the taxi driver politely as he paid him and walked up the three flights of stairs to their…his apartment.
As he stepped inside he just barely caught the ‘tadaima’ on the tip of his tongue, swallowing it back with difficulty as he looked around the apartment, barely lit by the dim night of the dwindling afternoon as evening crept up on the city, the sky slowly washing over from blue, to a greenish blue, to yellow, soon it would be orange, red, purple, darkest black-blue.
Tatsuya shut his eyes and took a deep shuddering his breath, the millionth of the day. He’d been taking these breaths for a few weeks, bracing himself to keep living past the moment, to push aside the empty cold ache in his chest and keep moving forwards.
It was cold, freezing even, he’d turned off the heating that morning, not wanting the place to be too hot when he got home, but now it was far too cold…perhaps this place would never stop being cold…
He pulled off his scarf and coat, hanging them up and moving into their…his bedroom to find a jumper to put on over his long sleeved t-shirt while he waited for the heating to kick in. He bit his lip and let his eyes fall shut as the first thing his hand landed on was one of Ryo’s jumpers, a grey one, too big for either of them. Sighing shakily he pulled it on and shuffled through to the kitchen to make hot chocolate in the hopes that it would make him feel just a little tiny bit better.
He mixed the drink as though on autopilot, staring into the depths of the mug in deep thought until he realised he was staring at a mug of steaming hot chocolate, and at this point one was usually expected to start drinking it.
He wrapped his hands around the mug, the sleeves of the oversize jumper swamping his hands, so only the tips of his fingers were visible as they clung to the mug. He padded from the kitchen, into the living room and out onto the balcony, sliding his feet into sandals, not wanting to step barefoot on the frozen tiled floor of the balcony. He leant on the railing staring at the buildings surrounding his, sipping the hot chocolate absent mindedly before tipping his head back to stare up at the darkening sky.
The cold made his eyes sting, he squinted and narrowed them, not wanting them to water, knowing his luck the water would freeze on his face and would get frostbite. He let out a short, shaky, humourless laugh, thinking maybe it didn’t matter, maybe he didn’t care…
A faint but insistent buzzing from his pocket suddenly brought him back to the balcony and he rested the mug on top of the wooden fencing as he flipped open the phone.
“Kame?”
“Hey Uebo, how are you doing?”
“Fine, I guess, I went to his grave today,”
“Mmmm, Jin said you must have been there, there were fresh flowers, the edges have frost on them now, he said they looked like professional decorations at a banquet,” Tatsuya couldn’t help but smile and silently thank Jin in his head.
“Uebo…have you…cried yet? For Ryo?” Tatsuya sighed and leaned on the railing, mindful of the still steaming mug. He looked up at the sky again, withdrawing his hands into his sleeves, watching his breath curl upwards and away as he spoke.
“I can’t Kame, if I do, I’ll fall apart, and if I can’t function then I might as well just crawl into a coffin myself, I need to keep functioning and moving,”
“Tat-chan, it might help if you cry, clinging to the emotions and bottling it up isn’t healthy,”
“Thanks Kame, but I’m fine…or…I will be,”
“I hope so Uebo, take care of yourself okay?” Tatsuya leant his head on his forearm.
“Mm, thanks Kame, see you later,”
Flipping the phone shut he ran a hand through his hair and reached for the mug again, turning and stepping inside, sliding the door shut and drawing the curtain across.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The path that runs through the middle of the park is the most gorgeous place in the world during spring. Their fingers entwined like they were created that way, every so often Ryo’s thumb would stroke over the back of Tatsuya’s hand, and every time Tatsuya would smile softly and briefly squeeze Ryo’s hand in response.
After a moment they stopped, both hand joined, curled together in the most comfortable way, as they stared up at the sakura over their heads. Tatsuya looked up and down the path at the fallen and falling pale pink petals, like pink snow, continuously falling, creating a pink carpet on this path.
At that moment Ryo looked away from the branches over his head and down at the beautiful image before him…and smiled, laughing softly. As Tatsuya turned to look back at him he released one hand, lifting his own to gently brush away the few petals that had fallen in Tatsuya’s hair. Tatsuya smiled and concentrated on the feel of Ryo’s fingers combing flowers out of his hair.
“Hey, Tatsuya?”
“Mmm?” Tatsuya glanced up at him, Ryo was still threading his fingers through his hair, his eyes hadn’t moved from the copper coloured locks he was combing through.
“Move in with me,”
Tatsuya blinked in mild surprise, but a wave of joy rose in his chest and he moved forwards swiftly, wrapping his arms around Ryo’s back, and after a moment he feels Ryo return the embrace. Smiling he said nothing but nodded against Ryo’s chest.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He didn’t trust himself to drive right now, with the amount his thoughts were wandering off on their own, no matter how much he implored them to stay put and organise themselves into a coherent, straight line, it was useless. His level of floating away into his own world had increased tenfold and he would be lucky if his manager, the dance instructor, the makeup artist, photographers, and whoever else he had to deal with, didn’t beat him upside the head with heaviest object to hand.
He liked trains, every so often he would take the train somewhere just because he felt like it, but today it was a necessity, he’d never be able to focus on the road, he’d end up causing a serious accident or something.
Thus he now sat, swaddled in loud, obtrusive, unrelenting thoughts, with his temple pressed to the cold glass of the window, staring without seeing at the grey streaked blurs of the city as it rushed by, every so often, pushing himself back further into his coat, nuzzling into the black and white striped scarf that was wound three time around his neck yet still reached his hips when he stood up.
In his right hand pocket his hand played with his phone, turning it over and over in his hands, running his fingertips along the surface, the edges, running over the divide between the smooth blue surface and the slightly bulging LED that flashed blue for an incoming message and green for an incoming call. Every so often his fingers would come into contact with charm that hung from it.
Eventually he pulled his phone from his pocket and held it in both hands, staring down at the charms, running his thumb along the string it was attached by.
Of course, he was the princess, so out of the couple set of cartoon mice, his was the pink one. The girl, he ought to feel somewhat annoyed by that, but he couldn’t care less. Ryo had given it to him so randomly, sitting beside him on their couch and dangling it between his thumb and forefinger when Tatsuya turned to look at him.
“Where did you get that? I thought they all sold out,”
“I have my ways, princess, here, take it,”
“Eh? I already have one! I have both of them!”
“Not from me you don’t,”
He had revealed, in his other hand, the blue mouse, the boy, the ‘husband’. The charms had been on their phones ever since. A pink mouse with a red bow around one ear hanging off a dark metallic blue phone didn’t quite seem to make any sense, but it made all the sense in the world to him.
He lowered his head, closing his fist around the charm, pressing his hand to his head, chewing relentlessly on his lower lip to keep back the tears.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was freezing, they wore their thickest coats, scarves wrapped multiple times around their necks, woolly hats yanked low on their heads, their gloved hands twined together as they walked through the empty park, lit in the dim evening by a few well placed lampposts, on their way to someone’s house.
As they passed beneath a lamppost standing beside an empty bench that looked out over the frost encrusted grass, towards the line of trees that stood just inside the park fence, it began to snow. Tatsuya tipped his head back in surprise, a look of childlike wonder on his face as he subconsciously dropped Ryo’s hand in favour of raising both hands, palm up to catch the first few flakes before spreading his arms out and spinning slowly, his head still tipped back as he watched the snow fall.
Ryo stood and watched him, smiling, beneath the hat the ends of his hair poked out and curled up, his bangs peeking out, falling into his eyes, the ends of his scarf swung gently as he spun on the spot. Tatsuya turned back to face him and grinned, reaching out for Ryo’s hands.
“I’ve never met anyone who loved snow so much,” Ryo said, smiling softly. Tatsuya tipped his head back again, watching the snow falls, while Ryo continued to watch him.
“What about you?” Tatsuya asked, looking at him again.
“I like it, I guess, but to me, snow seems so…sad,” Ryo looked up at the darkening sky and the delicate white flakes silently falling around them. Tatsuya sipped his head to one side.
“Why does it seem sad?” he asked. Ryo looked back at him, still smiling and spun him around, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder, still watching the snow.
“Because it looks like winter is crying,”
Staring out at the snow falling on the silent, empty park Tatsuya said nothing but tipped his head to lean against Ryo’s and held onto his arms as he held him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The same park, but it’s later at night now.
Alone, Tatsuya walks, wrapped in his thickest coat, scarf wrapped many times around his neck, woolly hat yanked low on his head, the ends of his hair and his bangs peeking and curling from beneath it. His gloved hands thrust deep into his pockets.
His boots crunch on the frosted ground, his breath, in translucent white plumes waft up into the air, disappearing high over his head as he walks.
In no time at all he finds himself slowing, shuffling to a stop, beneath the same lamppost, standing in the centre of a pool of yellow-white light, beside a bench, a dusting of crystal white frost glittering on the wooden seat.
He tips his head back, as snow begins, in fat jewel-like flakes to fall on the cold, silent, empty park. He stares in awe, in anguish at the most beautiful, and most mournful scenery he has ever seen, staring up into the snowfall, at the white flakes as they fall, and the black-blue of the sky behind them, and a tiny, sad smile appears on his face.
“Ah…look, Ryo…winter is crying for you…”
Completely disregarding the bench behind him he collapses to the ground, his hands clenching into the snow, desperate, anguished sobs wracking his body and shaking his shoulders as his tears freeze and gleam beneath him.
おわり