Strive For Something Better Ch10

[ryunuka]

Ha! I said  I'd post today and I actually did! Yippee! Ahem, anyway, I've happliy managed to deliver the goods a little faster this time, so, douzo:


STRIVE FOR SOMETHING BETTER - CHAPTER 10

“Ohayou~!” Yassu sang as skipped into Kanjani8’s room, closely followed by Ohkura who smiled sleepily at his friend before launching himself at the coffee pot. Much as he had managed to avoid a hangover, the party hadn’t exactly ended at a reasonable hour to warrant being in work at 8:30 am.

Shingo, however, had not escaped the hangover, all the shots mixed with all the bottles of beer had left him with a dry mouth, a churning stomach and a war drum in each temple. Plus his ears were itchy and sore and bleary. He had realised as he was dragging himself out of his apartment this morning that there were some holes in his memory about the previous night.

All he was sure of was that since he had reached Day 6 he had officially lost his bet. He suspected it had something to do with all the alcohol having more of an effect on him than it should have. Yoko would probably tease him endlessly today. Why was going out to a club such a good idea again?

As Yassu skipped around the room saying ‘ohayou~!’ to each individual member currently present in turn Shingo twitched as his head throbbed. The only person who hadn’t yet arrived was Ryo and for some reason Shingo got the feeling something had gone badly last night.

“For the love of all that is holy Yassu, please! Turn down the volume, my head feels like it’s being constantly pressed in a vice!” he moaned, leaning his forehead on the table. Subaru looked up at him over the paper, having also avoided a hangover due to his suspicious prowess when it came to alcohol. Yoko had a slight hangover and was lying on one of the couches, another newspaper over his face. He’d get to pestering Shingo when he woke up. Maru didn’t have a hangover either and was sitting, grinning like a Cheshire cat on crack. I’m glad my agony amuses you, Shingo thought bitterly, reaching pathetically for the coffee pot as he struggled to recall exactly what had happened the previous night.

At that moment Ryo shuffled in, his eyes, shadowed and lifeless and bloodshot, his gaze fixed on the ground, his hair tousled and his ‘Ohayou’ hoarse. Subaru and Maru looked at each other, then at Ryo in concern, while Yassu tipped his head on one side in childish concerned curiosity.

“Ryo-chan? Are you okay?” Subaru said carefully. Ryo suddenly looked up; his eyes finding Shingo’s who suddenly had a very bad feeling. Ryo glared, his stare so venomous Shingo began to wonder if the Jimusho stocked anti-venom.

“Oh I dunno Baru, maybe Hina could take a guess at how I feel,” Shingo shuddered as he felt the combination of both Ryo and Subaru’s glares.

How stupid and unlucky could he be to be under the wrath of the two scariest members of Kanjani8 at the same time. He gulped.

“Uh, Ryo-chan, I don’t-”

“Don’t ‘Ryo-chan’ me you bastard, I can’t believe you!”

And then it happened, just like in the amnesia movies, it all came rushing back in a waterfall of images. The bar. The drinks. Him and Tegoshi. And Ryo. Ryo was the only one not drunk. At least he wasn’t nearly as drunk as they were. They told him.

They told him.

They had been so drunk they had spilled it all.

Oh shit.

“Wait a minute, I didn’t…I don’t…”

“Didn’t what? Mean for me to find out you had a bet on whether I would have sex with you? What the fuck were you thinking? How the fuck could you think I wouldn’t find out somehow and that I wouldn’t be MAD AS HELL!?”

Much as he was sorry and worried about the level of Ryo’s anger Shingo was suddenly distracted by Subaru who was looking, as his Eito Ranger name suggested, very red, too bad it had nothing to do with those silly jumpsuits. Not a sparkly sideways 8 in sight. Oh no…

“Hina, you lying, scheming, disgusting sack of shit!” Subaru was almost screaming, and as a result Yoko sat up from the couch with a start, his newspaper fluttering from his face to the floor.

“Wha?” he mumbled blearily. The he saw Subaru, and Ryo, and Shingo and his face paled. Even more.

“Wait, wait, guys, if you’re going to be mad at him, you should at least be mad at me too, I was the one who made the bet with him!” Yoko flinched and shrank back as the yellow and red rangers turned slowly to face him, their eyes boiling with rage.

“You?”

“I didn’t think we were being serious at the time, we were joking, then Hina seemed serious, but I didn’t want to get involved but…it’s no excuse really, I still knew and I didn’t say anything, Ryo-chan I’m so sorry!”

Surprisingly Ryo looked as if he was considering forgiving Yoko his part in it all. Shingo bit his lip and took a deep breath.

“Ryo-chan I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I wasn’t thinking straight, I was just…having fun or something, but I didn’t think it through, I realise now, obviously, I know it’s technically too late but…I am so sorry!” Ryo stared at him. Subaru glanced from Shingo to Ryo, his face stony and dangerous. Finally Ryo sighed and rubbed his face and sat down at the table, reaching for the coffee.

“Hina, just…don’t talk to me for a while okay? I know you’re sorry, but…you need to give me some time I mean, you seriously cracked my trust in you so…” Shingo nodded fervently.

“I understand,” he said quietly and sank backwards into the sofa, one hand over his eyes. Subaru sat down across from Ryo, his eyes thoughtful.

“Wait, so if I was right about you, you were up to something, does that mean Tegoshi…?” Ryo scowled.

“Yes. He made a bet too, I think he said he made it with…Koyama? Or was it Shige?” Subaru frowned and sipped his own coffee. Shingo glanced at them, realising that time limit or no, Tegoshi’s bet was history and so was he if he couldn’t see that what he had been doing was wrong and let Ryo know he was sorry. Shingo sighed, he wasn’t going to hold his breath.

“Those two don’t seem like they’d make a bet like that, what is it you all call Koyama? Koyamama? And Shige?” Ryo made a face and glanced at Shingo, Subaru got his meaning instantly. They’d never have thought Shingo capable of something so stupid either but…

“I’m sure he said it was…my memory’s all fuzzy, mixing drinks was such a stupid idea, I think I drank more after I…left,” Subaru looked at him sharply.

“So you did leave on your own? No one seemed sure, Yamapi seemed to think so, he went looking for you,”

“Yeah…I think after I found out what they were doing I…I remember! Tegoshi said it was Koyama and Shige but they didn’t actually want to make the bet in the first place but he went ahead and did it anyway,” Subaru rolled his eyes.

“And Koyama-kun always said Tegoshi was harmless,” he said, shaking his head.

“So? You got angry and left? Is that it?” Ryo frowned.

“I don’t know, I don’t think I went towards the main entrance because I definitely don’t remember seeing the bouncers or the places on that street…I think I went towards the back…right, down that corridor towards the…”

Then Ryo’s memory of the previous night, like the past life of an amnesia sufferer in a bad Hollywood movie, crashed down on his brain like a demolished skyscraper.

“Holy shit Ueda!” he yelled, jumping to his feet. Subaru stared at him, confused.

“You saw Ueda before you left?” Ryo stared into the middle distance in horror as he remembered what he had done in his furious and inebriated state.

Ueda’s tears, his eyes, wide and scared and confused, his hands pushing uselessly at his shoulders and chest, his voice…please, Nishikido, this isn’t like you, please stop, why are you doing this? Nishikido, please stop…it all hit him at once and he thought he was going to be sick.

“Oh fuck, what have I done!?” Subaru stood up and placed a hand gingerly on Ryo’s arm. Ryo flinched but slowly turned to look at him, his eyes still brimming over with horror.

“Ryo-chan, what happened?”

“I…I…Ueda…he…I thought…and I…oh my god, what did I do to him? Oh Jesus, why? Oh my god, I wouldn’t ever…but I…” suddenly he spun and looked straight at Shingo who flinched back from his intense gaze.

“Hina, tell me the truth, did Ueda have a bet on me too?” Shingo looked confused. “The way you and Tegoshi were talking last night, I think I assumed Ueda had something to do with it all too, but, now that I think back…” Shingo shook his head, still frowning in confusion.

“No, Ueda-kun didn’t have any bets on you as far as I know, he had nothing to do with us, I just heard he had decided there was no reason for the two of you to be enemies so he wanted to make your relationship better,” Ryo felt like he was either going to throw up or pass out. There was an iron claw in his chest gripping and twisting and pulling and all he could see in his head was Ueda’s tear streaked face as he slid helplessly to the ground.

“I have to go find him! I have to…oh fuck he probably…shit!”

With no more than that he was gone from the room so fast Subaru couldn’t help but eye the carpet for burn marks.

~~~

“Ohayou Kame,” Kame looked up as Nakamaru and Taguchi arrived. He smiled tiredly at them.

“How was Uepi after you took him home?” Taguchi asked.

Kame had eventually been able to coax Ueda up off the floor, though he had gone from crying to staring into the middle distance, his face pale and drawn, and he still refused to speak, Kame still had no idea what had happened, yet he felt 99% certain it had something to do with Nishikido Ryo. He had taken a cab with him back to Ueda’s apartment where he had finally spoken in a cracked and emotionless voice that he was fine and Kame could go home or back to the club. Kame hadn’t seen or heard from him yet.

“He was…I don’t know, he seemed devastated about something, and he wouldn’t say what had happened, but physically at least he was fine, I just hope he’s feeling alright,” Taguchi and Nakamaru stared at the ground while Kame gazed at the table top.

“Ohayou,”

The three of them turned in mild surprise to the door as Ueda entered. There were dark circles under his eyes which were bloodshot, his hair was messy, and his smile was so weak it barely lasted three seconds before he turned his gaze to the ground and shuffled to one of the couches. The other three exchanged worried glances before Kame got up and went to sit beside his former leader.

“Uepon, will you tell me what happened? Maybe we can help,” Ueda looked up at him and gave him a small, weak smile.

“It already happened, you can’t help what’s already been done,” Kame bit his lip.

“Uebo, please tell us, we can’t stand seeing you like this,” Ueda sighed and ran a hand through his hair. With his other hand he fiddled with the end of a long green scarf he had wound around his neck, concealing the ugly bruises that had formed.

“Kame, I’ll be fine, really, maybe not right away, but I’ll be fine, just…forget about it, I’m just going to…forget,” the last word came out as a whisper and for a moment Kame was sure he was going to burst into tears, but instead he bit his lip, hard and closed his eyes for a moment, his head slightly bowed. He had spent the night crying in anguish and anger. Ryo had scared him, the way he had acted had shocked and terrified him, he couldn’t get the images out of his head, his voice bit at his ears like metal jaws. He remembered it all so clearly it made his head hurt, and painkillers didn’t do much to alleviate the ache.

He was shocked and shattered, the thought that the person he had fallen in love with had hurt him like that, had done such things, was the most devastating thing he had ever encountered. And at the same time, he was furious, appalled, and confused. He still didn’t understand why. Just that day they had been getting along just fine, why the sudden 180?

Now he found that he was scared of seeing Ryo, the thought of running into him in the Jimusho was enough to make his hands start shaking. Fear, anguish and anger were not emotions he had expected to feel towards Ryo, not all rolled together this way…

The he suddenly opened his eyes and raised his head taking a deep but shaky breath.

“What’s on the schedule for today?”

Kame was about to answer when Jin arrived.

“Where have you been?” Kame asked.

“Pi wanted to talk to me,” Ueda glanced at him sharply. Yamashita, Tegoshi, Murakami, Nishikido…in his mind they linked up and he held his breath, waiting for Jin to say something else.

“About what?” Kame asked.

“Wanted to know if I knew what happened to Ryo-chan last night, he just disappeared, but then he showed up in their room as I left so I guess he’ll ask him himself, I said hi to him but he was totally distracted, babbling like a crazy person, ah! He mentioned you Uebo,”

Ueda froze, his eyes wide and…Kame could have sworn they were brimming with fear.

“What does Ryo-chan want to talk to Ueda about?” Koki asked as he came in, taking his bag off and dropping it on his chair.

“I don’t know, did something happen last night Uebo?” and suddenly ten eyes were trained like sniper rifles on Ueda’s face and he couldn’t move, a deer caught in someone’s highbeams, he froze, unable to think of anything he could possibly say. After a moment he licked his lips and shrugged jerkily.

“I…I don’t know,” he mumbled. Oh very good Tatsuya, convincing, really, award winning stuff, why is it you’ve not been in any drama’s before? Kame stared at him. So it definitely had something to do with Ryo, but what could it be that Ueda refused to talk about it, or even acknowledge it. If that Nishikido had hurt Ueda again after all this time, he was going to have five very angry idols on his case, more if Koyama and Pi and Yassu and Subaru found out, not to mention Tottsu, Taichi-senpai and Takki-senpai. They weren’t particularly close to Ueda, but they would definitely have something to say about Ryo and his famous poison tongue.

“Look, Uepomu, whatever it is that happened, whatever it is that’s making you so sad, it won’t go away just because you pretend it’s not there,” Ueda looked at him from beneath his hair and rested his forehead in his palm.

“Kame, seriously, drop it, it’s nothing, can we get on with our day now?”The others ignored him.

“U-chan, Kazu-chan is right,” Jin said earnestly “Look, Ryo-chan is probably coming here anyway, maybe you two should talk, and you were doing a good job of getting to know each other before, right?”

At the mention of Ryo coming anywhere near the KAT-TUN room Ueda, if possible, paled even further. He suddenly sprang to his feet.

“I…have to talk to…our manager…about something,” and he was gone from the room in two strides. Nakamaru and Kame looked at each other gravely while Koki rubbed his face. Jin came to sit beside Kame and Kame promptly let his head fall on his shoulder.

“This is bad isn’t it?” he mumbled. The others nodded.

“If only we knew what happened between Uepi and Nishikido-kun,” Taguchi mused.

The five remaining members of KAT-TUN lapsed into a fitful, pensive silence.

~~~

Ryo groaned loudly and slammed his head onto his table in NEWS’ room.

“Damn stupid fairy boy avoiding me all day how am I supposed to explain or apologise if I can’t find you god damn it why am I so stupid!?” Pi and Koyama exchanged glances and sighed, shaking their heads. Ryo had refused to tell them what had happened the previous night, or exactly why he needed to apologise to Ueda, or why Ueda was trying so damn hard to avoid him.

He had been growing progressively more irritable all day and could no longer keep his hands still. He sat up and threaded his fingers into his hair, staring into the middle distance, chewing on his lower lip, looking more desperate than Pi had ever seen him before.

He couldn’t help but wonder if he shouldn’t read a little more into this than Ryo simply wanted to apologise. He’d never spent a whole day jumping in and out of practise and other duties to hunt someone down for an apology before, never been so determined, so on edge, never made such a huge deal out of needing to apologise to someone before. Why was it so different when it came to apologising to Ueda?

He wandered over and sat beside his best friend.

“Uh, Ryo, you want to tell me what’s going on?” Ryo shot him a poisonous look but there was no real malice behind it at all.

“No I fucking well do not,” he bit out, glaring at his own reflection in his mirror. Tegoshi looked over from his place on the sofa with Massu. Earlier that morning Ryo had shot him an ugly glare, given Pi the simple form of why he was refusing to speak to their youngest member until further notice, to which Pi had responded by turning a funny colour and giving Tegoshi the scariest glare any of them had ever seen on their leader, and had since not even looked at him.

“Didn’t you go to KAT-TUN’s room?” Massu asked. Ryo sighed.

“Twice, it’s like he senses me or something; he made up an excuse and was gone before I got there,”

“What about the practise rooms, he spends a lot of time in there,” Tegoshi said. Ryo glared at him through the mirror, a look that clearly said ‘talk to me again and you’ll have a breathing problem’.

Shige shifted uncomfortably as Tegoshi pouted. He still, it seemed, did not understand completely why what he had been doing was wrong. Setting down his book he approached Ryo and addressed him to pull his attention off Tegoshi.

“What if you went to their room and waited for him? He has to go back some time, his car keys are probably there,” Ryo leapt to his feet almost before Shige had finished speaking and flung his arms around his neck.

“Shige you’re a genius, thank you! Why the hell didn’t I think of that?”

“Because there’s only room for one genius in the band?” Pi said dryly, dodging Ryo’s swipe. But it was a half hearted swipe, within the next two seconds Ryo was gone, off to the next floor up.

~~~

Kame sat with his legs drawn up onto the sofa leaning against Jin’s shoulder, his eyes closed, while Jin read a magazine, one arm wrapped around Kame’s shoulders.

Everyone else had already left but because Ueda’s bag was still there they knew he hadn’t left yet, so they were waiting for him to come back so they could ask him once more what exactly was going on between him and Ryo.

“Did he say where he was going Jin?” Kame asked quietly. Jin sighed and rested his magazine on his lap, tightening his arm around Kame’s shoulders.

“No. He mumbled something but it was completely inaudible, I swear, he looked like he was going to be sick or collapse or both, he looks awful today, like he hasn’t eaten or slept in a year,” Kame sat up and leant forward on his elbows.

“If he’d just tell us what happened,”

“What happened after you found him?” Jin asked.

“He was lying there like…like he’s just collapsed, he was crying and he wouldn’t say anything, and then he just stopped, went quiet, I went with him back to his apartment but he said he’d be fine,” Jin made a face.

“Isn’t that what he always says when he feels like hell?” he muttered bitterly.

For another moment they were silent, until they became aware of heavy footfalls and suddenly Ryo was standing just inside their door, leaning forward on his knees, breathing irregular and desperate. Jin and Kame stared at him for a second.

“Uh…Ryo-chan…?” Jin started hesitantly but Ryo shakily cut him off.

“W-Where…is…Ueda?” he panted, slowly straightening up.

“We don’t know he left a little while ago, but I don’t think he’s gone home yet,” Kame said distractedly, watching Ryo catch his breath.

“Fine. I’ll wait, until he comes back,” he said. Jin and Kame exchanged glances, then Jin stood and faced Ryo, his arms folded, and his expression grave.

“Ryo-chan, what happened between you and Uebo last night?” he asked. Ryo visibly paled.

“What…what has he…told you?” Kame stood up too.

“Nothing, that’s why we’re asking, I found him lying in the corridor crying last night, he wouldn’t say anything, and today he looks like hell, and he still won’t tell us anything, trying to act like he’s fine but every so often he goes pale and disappears and anytime he thinks he might see you he bolts, vanishes completely,” Kame narrowed his eyes and took a step forward.

“What did you do Nishikido?” he said dangerously.

Ryo groaned and buried his face in his hands.

“Something,” he mumbled “very, very, very stupid,”

Jin and Kame sat back down as Ryo sat across from them and began, hesitantly to recount what he remembered of the previous night, somewhere along the line Jin’s mouth dropped open and his eyes went so wide they almost fell out, then Kame’s mouth dropped open and he slowly raised a hand to his mouth.

“Tegoshi-kun…and Murakami-kun…why would they…? Never mind, then what?”

Ryo didn’t want to tell them any more, didn’t want to say aloud how stupid he had been, what an appalling thing he had done. Sure he was drunk and angry but he was sure he was angry at the wrong person and it was hardly an excuse for what he had ended up doing. The image of Ueda’s eyes, confused and afraid, glinting helplessly as tears streamed from them flashed across his mind and he pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.

“Ryo-chan?” Jin said hesitantly.

“I…I didn’t…I wouldn’t…I made such a huge mistake…I jumped to some stupid conclusion and did something horrible to someone who didn’t deserve it,” Ryo said shakily. He looked through his fingers at the two across from him, eyeing him with worry.

“He didn’t make a bet with any of you, did he?” Kame looked confused and tilted his head to one side.

“A bet?”

“About me,”

“No…you mean like…?” Ryo nodded.

“The way they were talking, they mentioned his name and I think I just assumed…because when he started being nicer to me…at first I wondered what his angle was but then I figured it was good for us to get along better…but when Tegoshi and Hina mentioned his name…”

Jin rubbed his eyes and sighed.

“Ryo-chan you’re such an impulsive idiot. What did you do?” Ryo bit his lip and shook his head. Kame studied him for a moment, his hair, tousled from having run his hands through it constantly all day, his bloodshot eyes and drawn face.

“Look, Nishikido-kun, I don’t know what you did, what happened, only the two of you do, since neither of you will tell anyone anything, so you have to fix it, don’t get me wrong, I’m pissed as hell at you right now, I’ve never seen Ueda that broken up before,” Ryo pressed his hands to his eyes again, Kame winced and continued.

“But, Ueda just keeps insisting he wants to forget what happened, he won’t say anything, he’s trying not to think about it and as a result he’s avoiding you completely, which isn’t helping anything, because it’s obvious that whatever he says he wants it’s tearing him up, so you have to fix it, talk to him, explain, do something,” Ryo lowered his hands and nodded determinedly.

“This won’t be easy, he’s been a ghost to me all day, I haven’t seen him even once…”

At that moment Ueda walked into the room, his head bowed, one hand clenching and un-clenching at his side, the other fiddling with the end of his scarf, which Ryo bit his lip at the sight of. Ueda had just reached for his bag when Ryo leapt to his feet.

Ueda raised his head at the sudden movement and all the colour drained from his face. His eyes flicked from Ryo, to Jin, to Kame and back to Ryo and there was a heavy spring laden silence for a few seconds before Ueda snatched his bag, spun and ran from the room before any of them could blink.

Ryo gaped at the spot where he had been standing for a moment before he ran after him.

Ueda’s mind raced as he ran up the corridor. What the hell was Ryo doing in KAT-TUN’s room? He glanced at the lift as he ran by it, not wanting to have to wait for it…and shit, was someone running after him?

He crashed through the doors to the stairwell and got down a half flight before he stopped and sat heavily on a stair, dropping his head into his hands. What the hell am I doing? Why am I running from him, I’m supposed to be angry! Instead I’m fucking scared and my chest feels like it’s collapsing in on itself…

“Ueda!”

His eyes snapped open and he leapt up, spinning in shock. Ryo stood, breathing heavily, at the top of the stairs looking down at him. He backed up and glanced at the next half flight.

“Ueda please stop running from me, we need to talk!”

“About what?” his voice shook, with both fear and anger.

“About…about last night…I…” Ryo trailed off, looking down at Ueda from the top of the stairs. Kame had been right, he looked like hell, pale, dark circles beneath his bloodshot eyes, his hair was messier than usual. In his eyes was an anguished look that Ryo could barely face.

“You what?” Ueda asked, trying desperately to keep his voice level. Ryo slowly began to descend the stairs.

“Look, Ueda, I…I made a mistake, I thought…at the time…I was angry about…something…and I made a huge mistake!” Ueda stared at him a fire smouldering in his eyes.

“No, I made the huge fucking mistake!” he yelled suddenly, hot, angry tears welling up in his eyes.

“Ueda…” Ryo murmured.

“I thought you were a good person and that despite what happened between us all those years ago it didn’t matter anymore! I only ever wanted to scratch one name from my list of enemies, I didn’t ask to feel like this! This was never part of the fucking plan but it won’t go away! But being on good terms with you was important so I put aside and tried to be someone you could someday call a friend, and then after all that, for no reason, for you to…why Nishikido?” Ueda sobbed, pressing his hands to his face, backing up towards the wall of the stairwell as Ryo stared at him.

He watched him cry for a moment, trying to make sense of what he had just heard, trying to figure out just what Ueda was talking about. He licked his lips nervously.

“Ueda, I…I’m so sorry, I know that doesn’t mean much but I am and I wish I could rewind last night and…” Ueda shook his head violently.

“But you can’t! You can’t undo it, or make me forget, or pretend it never happened because it did and I still don’t understand what could make you…” Ryo cautiously stepped forward, now on the same landing as Ueda.

“Ueda, would you please just listen for a moment-?” Ueda flinched back raising his hands in front of himself as if to push Ryo away if he came closer and Ryo felt a painful twinge in his chest.

“Nishikido, please just leave me alone,”

“Ueda-”

“Just leave me alone, I don’t even want to think about-!”

Ryo suddenly jumped forwards, taking Ueda’s wrists in his hands and holding them beside his head against the wall he’d backed up to. Ueda flinched and shrank back.

“Damnit Ueda, you can’t not think about it! I only want for us to fix this, for you to understand, please just listen to me!” then he realised the position he’d put them in and froze, his mouth open in horror. His eyes widened as he looked properly at Ueda. He had turned his face away and screwed up his eyes as his hair fell over them. Ryo swallowed as he felt Ueda’s hands shaking under his.

“Ueda…I…”

“Nishikido please let me go," Ueda’s voice was so small. Never in all the years they’d known each other had he seen him this way, he’s seen him cry, seen him upset and angry and hurt, but never like this…and it was all his fault. Oh god…

His hands fell limply to his sides and the second they did Ueda ran down the steps and disappeared through the double doors on the next landing.

Ryo watched the doors swing to and fro long after the sound of Ueda’s footfalls had echoed away to nothing up the next corridor.

つづく