Whisper in the Darkness Ch5
And then here were five :P
WHISPER IN THE DARKNESS - CHAPTER FIVE
…so…dark…so black…
…where am I…? I can’t see anything…
Ah, I remember…the accident…my eyes…
Is that why it’s so dark? Am I home now…?
…no…this doesn’t…feel like home…where am I…?
…Ryo…he was with me…where is he now…? Am I…all alone here…?
Ryo? Nothing…I see nothing…and hear nothing…where am I!?
Ryo! Can you hear me?
…Ryo…help me…I can’t…see anything…
Ah!
What is that…? Something…on my arms…on my shoulders…everywhere…!
It won’t come off…it feels…like it’s biting into my skin…it hurts…
Stop it…get off…Ryo…help me!
What is it…? Biting down on me…devouring me…it won’t let go…I can’t breathe…
…I can’t see…I can’t breathe…
~~~
With a strangled cry Ueda sat up and wrenched the covers away from him, hands curling like claws into the sheets as he brought his knees up under his chin, breathing hard, irregular, choking breaths, like painful sobs clawing their way from his chest.
The feeling of being suffocated and consumed by the endless blackness he had been surrounded by wouldn’t go away, he could still feel it curling around his throat, gnawing at his shoulders, his sides, his legs, everywhere. Even though he was awake his eyes were still closed and he was swamped by blackness, he might as well still be dreaming.
Pressing his hands to his forehead, tangling his fingers in his bangs Ueda drew his knees tight up against his chest and curled in on himself, biting his tongue as he tried to stifle his shaken sobs.
It’s scary, right?
Ryo had no idea how scary. And it was only getting worse, almost every night the nightmare was the same, a thick, enveloping darkness that sought to consume him completely, tearing and biting at his skin, attempting to swallow his existence.
Forcing his breathing to even out he slowly rubbed circles on his temples with his thumbs, attempting to calm himself down. The clawing feeling in his throat wasn’t quite gone, it still hurt somehow to breathe and his chest felt tight, his throat was raw.
Sliding carefully from his bed he tugged at his t-shirt where it had rumpled around his stomach and shuffled towards the door, slowly, not sure how far or how many steps it was from his bedside to the opposite side of the room.
Suddenly the door clicked, the sound echoing sharply in Ueda’s ears and he flinched backwards with a surprised gasp, raising his hands, fisting them against his chest as he heard the door swing open, the gnawing fear bubbling in his limbs.
“Ueda? Are you okay?”
“Ni-Nishikido?”
“Obviously, who else did you think it was?” Ueda heard him pad softly across the carpet and twitched when he felt a hand on his upper arm.
“Are you okay, I thought I heard you moving around so I came to check on you, is something wrong?” Ueda couldn’t get his voice to cooperate, he still felt unimaginably scared and was slowly becoming aware of the fact that he was shaking again but the relief that washed over him when he heard Ryo’s voice was surprisingly strong and he wanted to cling to Ryo’s hands and not let go. Though the thought alone was enough to make him feel incredibly childish.
“Was it a nightmare?” Ryo asked suddenly, his voice soft. Ueda lowered his head and bit his lip.
“I think that constitutes as a ‘yes’, you want to talk about it?” Ueda gripped his own elbows and shook his head. After a moment he took a deep breath and raised his head.
“I’m okay, Nishikido, really, I was just surprised when you came in all of a sudden,” he heard Ryo sigh.
“Where were you trying to head to anyway?” Ueda sighed and ran his hands through his hair.
“Kitchen,”
“You want a drink or something?” Ueda nodded.
“Just water or something…” he flinched at the sudden sensation of Ryo’s hand gently wrapping around his and tugging lightly.
“Nishikido?”
“Come on, I’ll get you a drink, you’ll probably flood the kitchen if you try and do it on your own!” Ueda felt the corners of his mouth tugging upwards slightly in a faint smile.
“You’re so full of charm Nishikido,” he muttered letting his amateur caretaker drag him through the living room and into the kitchen, pulling out one of the chairs at the kitchen table and pushing him into it.
Ueda propped his elbows on the table top and resting his head in one hand, listening to the sound Ryo opening the fridge, taking out a bottle of water, opening a cupboard, taking out a glass, setting on the side, then there was the sound of the water pouring steadily into the glass. After a moment the sound stopped, the fridge was opened and closed again and then a moment later he heard the glass being set down in front of him.
“Thanks Nishikido,” he mumbled, sipping slowly.
“Ah, that reminds me, have you eaten today?” Ueda shook his head.
“No,”
“I’ll make something; you shouldn’t go the whole day without eating while you’re supposed to be healing,” Ueda gave a wry smile, propping his head in his hand again.
“Yes, mother,” he said airily, a second later he flinched as Ryo’s hand connected with his head.
“Ow!”
“Serves you right, brat,” Ryo said, his voice full of his cheeky grin. Ueda raised a hand to his head attempting to put on a wounded expression, which was no simple task when it was impossible to make his eyes look pathetic.
“That’s cruel, hitting an invalid, and I can’t even see it coming, you’re so mean!” Ryo laughed and moved back to the fridge.
“Quit complaining and take your discipline like a man, Hime,” Ueda picked up his glass again, turning it thoughtfully in his hands.
“You know, telling me to take something like a man, and then calling me a princess is a bit of an oxymoron don’t you think?” Ryo paused in searching through the fridge to glance over his shoulder, catching sight of Ueda’s triumphant smirk.
“You’re a real piece of work sometimes Ueda, did you know that?” Ueda grinned and stuck out his tongue. Ryo rolled his eyes and turned back to the fridge.
“I swear to god Ueda, you’ve got nothing in here but fruit and vegetables, is that all you eat?”
“I have pasta somewhere, but I mostly try to just eat vegetables, since I usually eat a lot, it’s weird that I haven’t been hungry yet today,” Ryo moved to the cupboards, searching through them while he figured out what to make.
“Your body has been through a serious shock recently, plus today, coming home just added to it I guess, maybe your body is too busy coping with everything to remember to be hungry,” Ueda raised a tentative hand to the bandage around his eyes, trailing his fingertips over it, feeling the roughness of the material as it ran around his head.
“Maybe,”
“Ugh! Your diet is way too healthy! I thought you loved sweets!” Ueda smiled.
“Cake, chocolate, ice-cream, yeah, that stuff I like, I just don’t buy it,”
“How come?”
“Have you ever witnessed how much I can eat? Boxing uses up a lot of energy and calories really quickly, so I have a fast metabolism, if I let myself eat things like cake and ice-cream I could go through a hell of lot of it, and that would be unhealthy!” Ryo threw his palm against his forehead.
“I think you can afford to indulge a little while you heal, baka Hime,” Ueda smiled, feeling it come a little more easily this time. Ryo’s expression softened as he watched the small smile grace his charge’s features. His head was bowed the same way he used to bow it when he was younger and more shy and quiet and less of his own person.
“Since you insist on stocking only rabbit food, how about I make you a sandwich?” Ueda smirked and raised one eyebrow above the bandage.
“I’d protest or something but I can’t be bothered, that sounds good,”
Ryo smiled and turned back to the work surfaces to make sandwiches for both of them, glancing back every so often to look at his charge, who simply sat at the table, cradling his glass of water, occasionally sipping from it. Ryo got the distinct impression that if Ueda’s eyes had been uncovered they would staring into the middle distance, there was an aura of distance surrounding him, like only his body was actually present, his mind and soul had accidentally drifted away into the swirling cloudy world of his own thoughts.
Ueda usually looked beautiful when he was daydreaming, a calm expression on his face, though ever so slightly creased by a gentle frown every so often, framed by his soft brown locks, a faraway look in his eye. And he was still beautiful now, his bangs curling over, under and around the stark white bandage as though it had always been there.
Ryo just felt that he couldn’t help but wish he could see Ueda’s mesmerising eyes.
Shaking off his thoughts he glanced back again and noticed the glass was almost empty. Setting down the butter knife he reached over and picked it up, not missing the way Ueda’s fingers twitched at the sudden brush of contact.
“You want some more?” Ryo asked, gaining only a hesitant single nod in response. He sighed and filled two glasses and set the two plates holding their sandwiches on the table, his mouth twitching as he noticed Ueda wince slightly at the sudden sound of the plates meeting the wooden surface.
“Hope that’s okay, I’m not exactly a gourmet chef,” Ueda raised his head in his direction, his face unreadable, almost as though he were watching him without seeing, silently.
Suddenly he smiled again, a small, gentle smile that made a ghostly fist close itself harshly around Ryo’s heart.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s fine, I’m not a great cook either,”
Ryo picked up his own sandwich but didn’t start eating it until he saw Ueda stretch his fingers out to touch the plate, then the edge of the sandwich, finally picking it up and taking a small bite of it, chewing slowly, his head bowed again.
After a moment of chewing in silence Ryo took a glance at Ueda, watching him practically nibble his way through he food. It barely took them five minutes to finish the sandwiches and when Ryo took the plate from him Ueda raised his head and gave him another small smile.
“Not gourmet, but still good Nishikido, thanks,”
Ryo grinned and sacked the plates in the sink trying no to make hem clash together too much, glancing back a Ueda as he twirled his glass in his hands again he bit his lip and glanced a his watch before looking back a that bright white stripe pasted over his face. I shouldn’t talk to him about stuff right now, I should lte him get back on his feet first.
“Kamenashi tells me you want to get back to work right away,”
“Yeah, the last couple of recordings for the new album were pushed back to tomorrow so I have to be here, and we have a rehearsal for an Utaban appearance,” Ryo blinked in surprise.
“Utaban? I though Kitagawa didn’t want the public to know about the accident,” Ueda bit his lip and lightly touched the bandage, it was becoming a subconscious habit, he barely realised he was doing it anymore.
“Nakai-senpai knows about it, obviously, so he knows to keep quiet on the show, and he’ll probably tell Taka-san to leave me alone, I’ll be fine,” Ryo leant back against the countertop and folded his arms.
“And how are you going to magically make the bandage around your head disappear, you know you can’t take it off right? Especially not in a studio full of lights!” Ueda sighed and Ryo had the distinct impression that he was mentally rolling his eyes.
“Would you quit worrying, I’ll just wear the gauze and sunglasses or something!” Ryo sighed and straightened up.
“Alright, alright, sorry, I guess if the rest of KAT-TUN are there you’ll be okay right? It’s getting late, you should get some more rest…” Ryo railed off for a moment and Ueda cocked his head on one side, heaving heard the hesitant trail to the end of the sentence.
“You…you don’t mind me staying here right?” Ueda’s mouth dropped open slightly, he hadn’t thought about that, but Ryo had a point, he didn’t know his way around blind yet, and he couldn’t get to work by himself. A knot tightened in his stomach as he realised how helpless and dependent he was right now.
“Uh…no, I…it’s fine, thanks,”
Ryo led him back to his room before saying goodnight and making his way to the guest room, closing the door to Ueda’s bedroom behind him with a decisive click that made him flinch.
Even though he couldn’t see it, his bedroom was dark, just light his dream, he was surrounded by darkness. Sitting on the edge of his bed he reached out a hand to the lamp on his bedside table and brushed the back of his hand over the shade.
At the very least in this kind of darkness, lights could be switched on, too bad he light was on the wrong side of the bandage.
~~~
“Nishikido, why do I feel like a couple hundred thousand people are staring at me?” at the sound of the nervous question mumbled shakily from behind him Ryo glanced back at Ueda’s lowered head.
This morning had actually gone pretty well so far, they had both managed to wake up, eat and shower without any casualties or too much difficulty and they had also somehow managed to be on time. In the car Ryo had drummed his fingers on the steering wheel in time with he music on the radio, while Ueda leant his head in his hand, roping his elbow on the windowsill. Ryo wasn’t aware he was even paying attention to the music until he asked in a faraway voice:
“What song is this?” Ryo glanced at him.
“It’s Sign, it’s a Mr. Children song, why? Do you like it?” Ueda had just nodded and said nothing else for the rest of the journey.
When they had gotten out of the car Ryo had handed Ueda his bag, which he slung over his shoulder. He moved o take his hand but, considering they would be walking across a busy lobby and through well populated corridors he changed his mind, picked up Ueda’s hand and registered the faint surprise in his face as he led it to the back of his jacket.
“Keep hold of me until we get to your room okay, I’ll go slow,” Ueda nodded uncertainly and they made their way into the building and across the lobby. Ryo had been hoping Ueda was blissfully unaware of the concerned and curious looks that were being thrown at them…or rather at him.
“Uh…I guess they heard about the accident and want to know if you’re okay,” Ueda made a low sound in his throat that sounded like he wasn’t so sure that was exactly the reason but said nothing more until they reached KAT-TUN’s room.
“Uepi! Ohayou!”
“Ueda!” Ueda flinched as suddenly Kame and Junno were on either side of him and he dropped his hold on Ryo’s jacket.
“You took good care of him right Ryo-chan?” Jin asked leaning on his friend’s shoulder. Ryo glared at him as Nakamaru came over to lead Ueda away from his younger and bouncier band-mates and towards the couch, noting the slight shake to his hands.
“Of course I did! Princess, help me out here!” Ueda gave a shaky smile.
“Of course he did Jin,” Maru ran his eyes over his friend’s shaking hands and wavering smile and laid a hand on his arm. Ueda tipped his head slightly towards him, reading the unasked question from the air.
“I’m fine Yucchi,”
“Okay, Jin quit pestering me and get some actual work done! Hime, I’ll come get you later okay?” Ueda nodded and Ryo left.
The second the door clicked shut Kame bounced onto the couch beside his invalid band-mate.
“Okay, tell us what happened!” if he had been able Ueda would have blinked in confusion.
“What do you mean? Nothing happened,” Koki leant over the back of the couch and draped his arms over Ueda’s shoulders.
“So he didn’t try to molest you in your vulnerable state?” Ueda sighed and shoved his arms away.
“Of course not!”
“He didn’t have to shower with you did he?” Junno asked. Ueda sighed and rubbed his temples, if he’d known exactly where Junno was he’d have launched himself at the taller man’s throat.
“I’m not that pathetic Taguchi!”
“Okay, okay, guys, leave him alone already, we have recording to do!”
Nakamaru stood, held out his hand for Ueda’s and once he took it he led the way to the door, intending to head to the recording studio, but Jin suddenly spoke up hesitantly.
“Hang on a second, Uebon, how are you going to read the lyrics?” Ueda froze. How he hell could he forgotten something like that? How was he going to do this?! Luckily this thought had obviously crossed Nakamaru’s mind already.
“Simple, he already knows he general gist, so whatever he feels he can’t remember, we can read to him beforehand so he can memorise them,” Ueda sighed gratefully and dropped his head onto his friend’s shoulder.
“Have I ever told you how fantastic you are?”
“Not that I remember but it’s never too late to start,” Maru replied cheekily as they made their way down the corridor.
In the recording studio, thanks to Ueda already having read over some of the lyrics already it only took Kame reading them to him twice, after hearing the music by itself, before he had it almost perfect, and three tries later they had the song recorded perfectly.
“Nice going Ueda! You did really well, can’t say the same for Jin,” Jin pouted and lightly shoved his boyfriend’s shoulder.
“Kazu you are so cruel!”
“Hey, Ueda is temporarily blind and had to have the lyrics read out to him before he could try it, what’s your excuse for messing up your lines!” Jin pouted some more and stuck his tongue out.
Ueda sighed, leaning back against the wall of the studio, feeling suddenly exhausted, and they still had to rehearse their suddenly dance-free performance of another song, thank Christ it was one they had already recorded so he knew it already. He sensed Nakamaru lean back on the wall beside him.
“Nakamaru if you don’t sop worrying you’re going to end up spending all your salary on anti-wrinkle cream,” this earned a sharp poke in the arm but he smiled anyway.
“I’m your friend, I’m allowed to worry over you, I still think we could have afforded to push work back another day or two,”
“I’d go mental sitting at home all day, it’s not like I can make popcorn and stick in a movie is it?” Maru sighed.
“Alright, I know, just don’t push yourself too hard, you’re not boxing again yet are you?”
Ueda said nothing.
“Oh come on!”
“Light training only! I’m not going to spar with anyone! I’ll take it easy! Quit mothering me, Nishikido’s doing a fabulous job of that already!”
“Oh really?” and suddenly Nakamaru’s voice was full of smiles.
“Don’t start, you sound like Koki!” Nakamaru grinned.
“We have about a half hour before we have to start rehearsing, let’s grab a drink,”
Ueda smiled, feeling overwhelmingly grateful to have Nakamaru for a friend as he took his hand again, leading him from the room in search of refreshment. Despite their crazy antics and seemingly one track minds especially concerning Ueda and Nishikido his band-mates meant well, joking about Ryo was better than constantly fussing over his health, and he was glad they cared about him so much.
Ryo, Nakamaru, Kame, Jin, everyone was trying hard for him, so he had to be strong and try hard too.
A/N I tried to get rid of any and all typos but some of the keys on the laptop I'm using right now stick, I tried to fix it all but I don't know if I got everything, sorry in advance.