One Shot - Isolated
ONE SHOT - ISOLATED
Ueda knew Kame was hurting, even if the younger male smiled and joked around and appeared to be doing just fine, Ueda saw the anguish behind his eyes, saw the pained confusion he let slip from behind his mask when he thought no one was paying attention to him. Of course, someone was always paying attention to Kame, and if no one else, it was usually Ueda, simply because it killed him to see his friend so hopelessly unhappy with no one to talk to.
Ueda figured the problem must be to do with Jin. They had seemed distant when the older male had returned from America, but that had been almost two years ago, and for a while it seemed as though they were slowly becoming closer again, brushing the cobwebs from their memories and using them to forge a better, stronger relationship.
But recently Kame had seemed upset, and at first Ueda thought maybe it had something to do with the disappointing ratings his drama was getting, but that wasn’t enough to hurt him this much, and he himself had reasoned that it wasn’t a drama aimed at the masses but at an older audience, and anyone younger would only be watching it because they were his fans. Plus it aired on an awkward night for those it was aimed at in the first place.
Ueda could only reason that something had happened between Kame and Jin, and when Maru and Junno and even Koki seemed to be doing nothing about it, and even not to notice, Ueda began to feel that he was the only one who could do anything for his friend and band mate.
It was supposed to be a simple operation, wait for he and Kame to be alone in the room, ask him what was wrong, press just hard enough for Kame to be willing to tell him at least part of it, then invite him out, to have dinner, for a coffee, over to his to watch movies, anything to relax his younger band mate and nudge him towards sharing his problem, and therefore hopefully halving it.
Simple operation my ass.
The thought occurred to Ueda as he leant on the bar, a drink in one hand, watching Kame out of the corner of his eye as the younger man threw back a shot, subsequently throwing back his head and exposing his long porcelain neck to the miscellaneous drunk idiot who seemed to have forgotten how to remove his hands from Kame’s hips.
Sure he had succeeded at first, sitting down beside his younger band-mate on the couch in the Jimusho and gently questioning him until he could confirm that it was indeed a problem with Jin, some argument or misunderstanding, or a wall they had run up against, but at that point Kame was still keeping his problems stubbornly to himself. So on with phase two.
Ueda had been surprised to say the least when Kame, instead of choosing food or coffee, or even movies, had chosen a bar, but he was trying to help so he followed him, ending up in this current predicament, trying not to watch the drunken stranger drag his lips over Kame’s neck, until Kame pushed him away and all of a sudden he had somehow slid around behind Ueda’s stool and had his arms looped around his neck and was nibbling on his ear which after so much alcohol he could respond to in no other way than blushing and biting his lower lip.
Kame gave the other guy a meaningful look and the guy disappeared into the crowd. Ueda would have felt relieved if not for the fact that even with the random stranger gone Kame hadn’t disengaged himself from Ueda’s neck and was instead flicking his tongue over his pulse.
“K-Kame, what are you doing?” Ueda heard himself ask hoarsely, he was too drunk. Too drunk to do more than ask a stupid question in a stupid voice. And too drunk to stop Kame from dragging him from the club, pulling him into a taxi, and tugging him all the way up into his bedroom.
And too stupid to refuse whatever it was his friend wanted. He wasn’t the best at things like this, that job should normally be left to someone like Maru or Junno, who were more in touch with emotions in general, and better with words. Better with words? Who was the one with fourteen solo songs here? Yes, fourteen, everyone always seemed to forget about Pieces even though he tried so hard because it was the second one he ever wrote…and what the hell was he thinking about when Kame had somehow already crawled on top of him and managed to make his shirt disappear into the looming shadows in the corners of his room!
“K-Kame…wait…I don’t…” his voice was slurred ridiculously and his vision was spinning and he was beginning to think throwing up was a capital idea, but he couldn’t move, his body felt like a lead pipe and Kame was making him dizzy.
I’m never drinking again…was his last coherent thought as he felt a bolt of lightning rocket up his spine.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After dressing in the wee hours of the morning Ueda left a note for Kame beside his pillow as the younger male slept. He was beginning to feel dizzy with the pounding headache he had woken up with and he couldn’t quite get the image of a cup of coffee out of his head. If it starts dancing and singing at me I’m checking myself into hospital, he thought.
He hastily scribbled the note on a pad he found in the living room, with a pen he found on Kame’s desk, placing it carefully on the place his head had been only ten minutes earlier, glancing uncertainly at his own handwriting, feeling like a bad friend and an overall fucktard as he turned from the room and left as silently as possible, opting to take the early train home, shower, change clothes and stop in a café or something before he headed into work.
He thought back to the note as he walked.
Kame-chan,
I think last night was a bit of a mistake, and I think you need to work through a lot of feelings and you need to talk to someone, anyone. Maybe you should try talking to Jin. You’re obviously in pain right now and I hate to see you that way. Feel better soon okay? I’m so sorry.
Ueda was somewhat hoping that because he hadn’t signed his name and he had addressed him as Kame-chan which he rarely did, that Kame wouldn’t remember properly that it had been him he had spent the previous night with.
Ueda liked Kame, he always had and over recent years he’d developed a bit of a soft spot for him, a very brotherly feeling tinted the atmosphere whenever they hung out together, but he felt that his botched attempt at helping his ‘little brother’ the previous night had completely fucked up what should have been a comfortable and easy relationship. He threw on whatever clean clothes he found, which ended up being his usual uniform of a t-shirt, jeans and a long cardigan, though feeling too tired wrestle his jeans into boots he settled for sneakers. He sighed as he remembered again what he had written.
You need to talk to someone, anyone. Maybe you should try talking to Jin.
That’s right, talk to anyone, as long as it isn’t me. As long as it’s not a complete and utter screw-up like me.
He jammed a black woollen hat on his head that covered his hair almost completely and grabbed his bag and keys before slamming out of his apartment and beginning the walk to the station.
Once he got off the train he wandered into the first café he came to and ordered a large coffee and a blueberry muffin, placing himself in a chair near the window as he sipped the life-saving elixir and tried not to think about what a pathetic excuse for a human being he had managed to become in the space of a few simple hours.
After half an hour of staring at the half empty mug in front of him Ueda dragged himself to his feet and walked the rest of the way to the Jimusho leisurely, dreading the moment he and Kame were in the same room again. No one was there when he got there but that barely came as a surprise considering the fact that he was an hour early.
He found himself, though, wishing that someone, as long as it wasn’t Kame, arrived early along with him, just to pull him out of his own swirling dark pool of self loathing. Thankfully the first to arrive that morning was Nakamaru, and by talking to him about his drama and joking about how ironic his role was the pressing matter of the previous night was slowly forced aside, but it lurched back with a vengeance and a knot in Ueda’s stomach when Jin arrived, running his hands through his hair and looking tired and worried.
Hoping no one would notice Ueda slowly withdrew into a corner as more members began to arrive, feeling sick at the thought of Kame’s arrival.
When he did Ueda couldn’t decide whether to be shocked or relieved.
Koki looked up from his magazine as Kame walked in, his hand shielding his eyes from the lights, carrying a cup of coffee.
“Whoa, you look like you had fun last night!” he joked, and Ueda instantly tensed, fingers tightening around his own magazine. But Kame just laughed hoarsely and sat beside Koki on the couch.
“I better have, or this hangover will be a total waste,” Ueda blinked and stared at his magazine as though trying to burn a hole through it.
“What, you mean you don’t remember?” Koki asked, half incredulous, half amused. Kame grinned at him and sipped his coffee.
“Hardly, there was some stranger who kept touching my hips but I think he left me alone, I just remember drinking and dancing a lot, I can’t even remember properly how I got home, I think someone must have helped though because there was a note on my pillow when I woke up,” Ueda gripped the magazine harder, trying to turn himself invisible by sheer will power.
“Why’d you go out anyway?” Kame seemed to think for a moment.
“Not sure, last thing I remember clearly is being here talking to you Uebo,” Ueda almost dropped his magazine and slowly looked up at Kame who had dark circles under his eyes and one hand clamped to his forehead.
“Really?” If he doesn’t remember, I can’t tell him.
“Uepi are you okay, you look pale?” Junno suddenly asked, a hand on his shoulder. Ueda twitched and tried to smile.
“I’m fine,” he said, sounding like he wasn’t fine at all, but no-one pressed and the rest of the day passed without incident and Kame didn’t appear to be remembering anything. Thank god!
Ueda should have seen a problem waiting to happen on the horizon, it was karma, he was bound to be punished some way or other, and when he thought about it afterwards, there couldn’t have been anyway for the universe to hand him his punishment.
“Ne, Uebo, can you come over tonight? We’ve been talking about writing a new song together for ages, let’s do it!”
“Sure Jin,”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Of course, it wasn’t instantly apparent that this was the universe’s way of punishing him for being a horrific friend and band-mate, for the first hour they didn’t seem to get much further than the basic melody, they had no idea for lyrics whatsoever and the composition was barely underway when Jin sank back into his sofa cushions with a can of beer, a luxury Ueda politely declined after the events of the previous night…and from there the evening took an irreparable nose dive.
“Hey, Uebo, were you avoiding Kame today?” Ueda promptly choked on his orange juice and gave Jin a look of wide eyed, incredulous shock. Jin raised one eyebrow and took a sip of his beer.
“I’ll take that as a yes then,” Ueda shook his head violently, placing down his juice before he dropped it and busied himself with sifting through the half scribbled music sheets littered around him on the floor where he sat with one of Jin’s guitars in his lap.
“What are you talking about? Why would I be avoiding him? Haven’t you and he been avoiding each other for the last month or so, what’s going on with you two anyway?” There, successfully turned the conversation around. Score one. Jin sighed and chugged his beer again.
“We…hit a relationship bump of sorts,” he mumbled into the can. Ueda couldn’t help but raise one eyebrow in mild surprise.
“You guys are in a relationship?” Jin sighed.
“No. That’s the bump, I don’t know what to do or what to say, what if…?” he trailed off, leaving Ueda to put two and two together. He sighed and leaned back against Jin’s coffee table, staring at the music sheet in his lap, absently noting that he had mixed up two notes.
“You’re afraid he’ll reject you?” Jin sighed, nodded and threw back the last of his beer.
“I’m not sure I really want to talk about this,” he muttered. But suddenly felt that if he could even begin to make up for the horrendous mistake he made last night, it would be by someone helping Jin and Kame to resolve their problems and be happy. Isn’t that what he wanted in the first place? Of course! He only ever wanted his friends to be happy, he only ever wanted for whatever pain they endured to stop. Never mind whatever he felt, the happiness of his friends, whether they were happy, comfortable, in a relationship that made them feel good, that was always what mattered the most. If they could forget what a lousy friend he had proven himself to be, and be happy, that was the best he could ever hope for. So he tried.
“Jin, I think, maybe you should talk to Kame,” Jin suddenly turned from his empty can to glare at him.
“What the hell would you know; it would end up a disaster if I suddenly tried to talk to him about this!” Ueda frantically shook his head, crawling towards the couch, trying in vain to reach for Jin’s hands, trying and failing to convey his seriousness to his friend.
But of course, wasn’t this his punishment, after all?
“You can’t just avoid the problem forever Jin,”
“I can try,” Jin retorted.
“But that won’t fix anything!” Ueda said in exasperation.
“How can I just walk up to him and say ‘be with me’? He’ll run a mile.”
“I don’t think so, he seems like this problem between the two of you is really affecting him,” Ueda leant of his elbows on the sofa cushions by Jin’s knees while the other stared into the depths of the empty beer can. He tried again.
“Jin, I’m serious, I talked to Kame yesterday because he seemed so sad-!”
“Oh, so Kame seems sad and everyone runs to his side!” Ueda shook his head frantically.
“No! I mean, you’re better at hiding it! Kame was so obviously upset, I thought…I wanted to help, that’s all…but it all went…” Jin suddenly sat up and stared hard at him like he had just been given the equation of life itself. The very meaning of existence for all living organisms had just been conveyed to his younger band-mate and the utter shock was written all over his face.
“You…he said…this morning he said he didn’t remember…that was you? You got him drunk?” Ueda’s eyes widened. This wasn’t going to plan.
“Wait a minute! That wasn’t my plan! I offered to buy him dinner or watch movies and order take-out or something, so we could talk about what was bugging him-” Jin suddenly sat up, glaring down at him.
“Yet you went and got him drunk! Did it even help?” Ueda sighed and sat back on his heels.
“Not really, I mean, I managed to figure out from what he said…before he started drinking…that he was worried about his relationship with you and then…” Jin glanced at him, his eyes narrow.
“Then? What, what happened, was he alright?” Ueda sighed.
“Jin, he’s obviously torn up over this problem with you, he was drinking way too much,”
“Why didn’t you stop him?”
“Because I was just as drunk as him, he kept ordering us both more drinks,” Jin rolled his eyes.
“You’re both lightweights, what were you thinking?” Ueda sighed and threw up his hands. Helping out a sulky, lovesick Jin was proving to be a greater task than he had first anticipated. And I am NOT a lightweight! You try staying coherent when all you’re given is vodka doubles! Ueda had always thought he wasn’t the best at consoling people, unless he was writing songs he couldn’t put words together in the right way to make people feel better. In such situations he hadn’t a clue what to do, a point proven by the previous night’s disaster.
“I was thinking I only wanted to try and help, I know I fucked up, it was never my plan to…” he trailed off. Jin instantly looked at him. He didn’t want to say anything, he couldn’t tell Jin something like that, he couldn’t do that to his friend, he had already murdered his relationship with Kame, he didn’t want to put up a wall between him and Jin as well.
“Ueda? What? What were you going to say?” Ueda shook his head and stared at his knees, lowering his head to tip his hair over his eyes. Jin wasn’t going to be deterred however and sat up, staring at him hard enough to drill holes in his skull.
“Ueda tell me, what were you going to say about Kame?” Ueda gripped his own elbows and shook his head again.
“You have to talk to Kame, solve this between you, it just gets worse when I try to help,”
“Ueda! Tell me! What wasn’t it your plan to do? What did you do?” Kame. He thought and shook his head again. This time Jin reached out and grabbed his shoulders looking up into his eyes and he shuddered. Jin was deadly serious about Kame.
“Ueda, what did you do to Kame?” Ueda bit his lip and looked away. I can’t tell him…
But it seemed that despite the years of living with the nickname Bakanishi, Jin was not nearly as stupid and people pretended and joked. His eyes suddenly went wide, then narrowed and he grit his teeth, clinging to Ueda shoulders in a bruising grip, but Ueda didn’t move. All he could think was that he was a pitiful excuse for a human being and whatever Jin dealt him was all he deserved.
“You didn’t…you wouldn’t have…” Ueda hung his head again.
“It was never my plan to get so drunk that I’d end up at Kame’s apartment, I didn’t want that,”
“So you’re blaming Kame!” Ueda finally looked up and Jin was slightly taken aback by the level of self loathing he could see in Ueda’s expression.
“Of course not, it was completely my fault and I’ll hate myself forever for it! I almost ruined Kame’s life, might have ruined yours, but he doesn’t remember,” Jin backed off a little.
“He said he got a note on his pillow,”
“I deliberately didn’t sign my name, I told him to talk to you, I wrote it and left when I woke up…”
“Woke…you spent the night…with him? So you really did…” Sex is a tiring activity when you’re drunk, Ueda thought bitterly. For a moment there was a silence heavy with rage, then, all at once, Ueda raised his head slightly and saw Jin draw back his fist.
He watched the fist swing towards him, no intention of moving, every intention of letting Jin do him as much damage as he could before he broke his hands.
Jin was pretty strong. His fist hit him square between his eyes, greyed his vision and sent him slamming down onto the carpet on his back, staring mournfully at the ceiling.
“Talk to Kame, tell him how you feel, because I know he must feel the same way, I don’t want either of you to be miserable,” he slid his gaze to Jin’s face, which showed a mix of anger and confusion and pain.
“If you love him, for the sake of you both, you have to tell him,”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
To some extent, besides the fact that the second Jin saw him the next day he averted his gaze, Ueda felt relieved when he saw that Kame and Jin were talking happily to each other, their hands entwined on Jin’s knee, smiling more brightly and genuinely than Ueda had seen them do in ages. Kame of course, still didn’t remember what had happened between them, but Ueda just couldn’t meet his eyes so he stayed close to Koki and Maru. Besides Jin was still angry at him and every glance he gave him was overflowing with incredulous anger, so Ueda shrank back and did everything he could to become invisible throughout the day.
Koki however, still saw him, and saw that something was bothering him.
At the end of the day, after the others had left Koki came and stood by Ueda as he sifted through his bag for his car keys.
“What’s wrong with you today? You look miserable,” Ueda’s hands froze and he slowly looked up.
“Did something happen between you and Jin? Or you and Kame, you’ve been avoiding them all day, I know their little heart shaped bubble is a little nauseating but what gives?” Ueda sighed and shook his head.
“Nothing important,” he said, turning back at his bag, extracting his keys and slinging the bag over his shoulder. He was about to leave when Koki caught his arm.
“C’mon Tat-chan, you’ve been miserable all day, Tat-chan is supposed to smile and act like a high school kid!” Ueda had to crack a smile at that one. He had gotten used to being compared to a high school kid when he was in a happy mood, and it was somewhat comforting that Koki was concerned about him, but honestly he felt that since he had screwed up so badly with Kame and Jin, Koki’s innocent selfless concern wasn’t something he deserved.
At that moment Maru suddenly reappeared, and stopped in the doorway, looking from Koki to Ueda.
“Uh…are you guys okay?” Koki suddenly beamed and Ueda felt as though the bottom had dropped out of his stomach.
“Oi, Yucchi, Tat-chan’s been miserable all day hasn’t he?” Ueda looked at him sharply and back at Maru who looked thoughtful.
“True, you’ve been really quiet today, I don’t think I’ve seen you smile once, are you okay?” Ueda opened his mouth to tell them both he was fine so they’d let him go, but Koki was faster.
“C’mon Tat-chan, why don’t you come out with us? Loosen up, have some fun,” Ueda shook his head and slipped from Koki’s grip stepping away, edging toward then door.
“That’s okay, I’m pretty tired, I’m fine, really, nothing happened,” Maru rolled his eyes and clapped his hand on Ueda’s shoulder as he attempted to sidle past him, instead leading him back into the room. Suddenly feeling cornered and panicked Ueda threw off Maru’s arm and stared at the ground, his wide, panicked eyes hidden by his bangs.
“Tat-chan…?” Maru edged closer again, but he flinched back.
“Leave me alone…” he murmured. Good people…Maru and Koki were good people, they were good friends and not just to him, he didn’t deserve their kind willed patience and friendliness, they should be talking to Kame and Jin, making Kame feel better because he had had a whole night stolen from him, making Jin feel better because he had been betrayed by someone he thought was a friend. He didn’t deserve their concern and if they only knew what was really wrong they wouldn’t be offering it. The fact that they were making him feel worse and it made him feel suffocated.
Koki tried again.
“Uepopu, seriously, you can tell us, let us help,” he shook his head furiously, gripping his keys so hard they cut into his palm like vengeful teeth.
“No! You don’t get it! I…just leave me alone, please, don’t think about me…” Maru folded his arms.
“Does this have something to do with Kame? Or Jin?” Ueda twitched and screwed up his eyes, lowering his head further.
“I’ll take that as a yes. Did they do something? You can tell-”
“What!? No! I did! It’s them you should be feeling sympathetic over, it’s wasted on me! Just leave me alone!”
Maru and Koki stared at him with wide and confused eyes. Ueda bit his lip and turned away, making to leave again before Koki lunged forwards and grabbed his arm.
“Ueda! Wait a minute, what are you talking about? We won’t understand unless you tell us,”
“Like I’d tell you! You don’t need to know, just let me go!” Koki’s grip only tightened, but when it came to who was stronger it obviously wasn’t Koki. Ueda grabbed Koki’s wrist and wrenched free of his hold.
Letting go he watched Koki stumbled back, touching his wrist lightly, his wide eyes focused on Ueda’s face which was downturned, his bangs falling over his eyes. Maru looked from one to the other in shock. He couldn’t remember Ueda ever having deliberately hurt any of them before, not since they had stopped fighting each other. He moved forwards as if to take hold of his friend’s arms but Ueda raised his head at the last moment and brought his hands in between them, shoving him away so harshly he almost fell.
Looking back up at him he caught the expression on Ueda’s face, riddled with anguish and self loathing.
“Tatsuya…”
“Just…leave me alone,” Maru barely caught the muttered words before Ueda turned and all but ran from the room.
Sprinting down the hallway he pushed frantically through the door to the stairwell and made it down one half flights before collapsing against the wall and sitting on the top step, his head in his hands.
What’s wrong with me? What am I doing? Why?
Once again, precious friendships forged over almost a decade, shattered to piece by his own endless stupidity. Biting his bottom lip in an attempt to keep himself from crying outright he mourned over his four destroyed friendships. Somehow, having started out with good intentions, he had ruined one relationship after another. When Kame learned of what he had done he would hate him, Jin already knew and hated him for it, Maru and Koki thought they wanted to know and in their efforts to be their usual kind and caring selves he had ended up giving them a reason to hate him too.
I’m…the worst…the absolute worst…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What could he do?
Taguchi?
Could Taguchi help him?
Junno seemed goofy and silly and told bad jokes and was bad at reading the atmosphere sometimes, but he was the only one left he could ask, and maybe he would be able to figure this out better than Ueda could. It wasn’t like he deserved his friends’ forgiveness, but he still wanted them to know how he felt, at the very least.
Stopping to lean against a wall he fumbled with his phone, finding Junno’s number and hitting ‘call’, his held the phone to his ear with a shaking hand and drummed the fingers of the other hand against his elbow.
After a short while, which seemed like a much longer one considering the frayed remains of his nerves after the past three days, Junno picked up his phone with a cheerful if slightly distracted greeting.
“Um…Taguchi?” his voice sounded much smaller even to himself.
“Uepi?”
“T-Taguchi, do you…have some free time right now?”
“Sure, why? What’s wrong?” Ueda wasn’t sure if he was grateful or apprehensive toward Taguchi’s apparent ability to read him simply through his voice.
“I…I just…really need to talk to someone,” he heard his voice crack almost before the words were out of his mouth, and knew Taguchi, however much they teased him about being incapable of reading atmosphere, had picked up on his broken tone.
“Uepi what happened?” Taguchi’s voice was uncharacteristically serious and he sounded far more alert than when he had first answered the phone, like he had sat up straight and was staring sharply at his phone out of the corner of his eye.
“I…I fucked up so badly Taguchi, I don’t know what to do,” it was taking all his physical control over his eyes not to burst into tears.
“Where are you right now?” taking a deep breath to stall his threatening tears Ueda swallowed thickly before attempting to answer.
“Near…near the Jimusho, on the street with that coffee shop Yucchi likes,” at the mention of his once close friend Ueda had to screw up his eyes and bit his lip to keep his roiling emotions in check.
“I’ll be there in five minutes, don’t go anywhere!” Taguchi hung up and Ueda wearily pressed ‘End’ and slumped against the wall, glancing a short way down the street at the sign outside the coffee shop.
Ueda knew Kame was hurting, even if the younger male smiled and joked around and appeared to be doing just fine, Ueda saw the anguish behind his eyes, saw the pained confusion he let slip from behind his mask when he thought no one was paying attention to him. Of course, someone was always paying attention to Kame, and if no one else, it was usually Ueda, simply because it killed him to see his friend so hopelessly unhappy with no one to talk to.
Ueda figured the problem must be to do with Jin. They had seemed distant when the older male had returned from America, but that had been almost two years ago, and for a while it seemed as though they were slowly becoming closer again, brushing the cobwebs from their memories and using them to forge a better, stronger relationship.
But recently Kame had seemed upset, and at first Ueda thought maybe it had something to do with the disappointing ratings his drama was getting, but that wasn’t enough to hurt him this much, and he himself had reasoned that it wasn’t a drama aimed at the masses but at an older audience, and anyone younger would only be watching it because they were his fans. Plus it aired on an awkward night for those it was aimed at in the first place.
Ueda could only reason that something had happened between Kame and Jin, and when Maru and Junno and even Koki seemed to be doing nothing about it, and even not to notice, Ueda began to feel that he was the only one who could do anything for his friend and band mate.
It was supposed to be a simple operation, wait for he and Kame to be alone in the room, ask him what was wrong, press just hard enough for Kame to be willing to tell him at least part of it, then invite him out, to have dinner, for a coffee, over to his to watch movies, anything to relax his younger band mate and nudge him towards sharing his problem, and therefore hopefully halving it.
Simple operation my ass.
The thought occurred to Ueda as he leant on the bar, a drink in one hand, watching Kame out of the corner of his eye as the younger man threw back a shot, subsequently throwing back his head and exposing his long porcelain neck to the miscellaneous drunk idiot who seemed to have forgotten how to remove his hands from Kame’s hips.
Sure he had succeeded at first, sitting down beside his younger band-mate on the couch in the Jimusho and gently questioning him until he could confirm that it was indeed a problem with Jin, some argument or misunderstanding, or a wall they had run up against, but at that point Kame was still keeping his problems stubbornly to himself. So on with phase two.
Ueda had been surprised to say the least when Kame, instead of choosing food or coffee, or even movies, had chosen a bar, but he was trying to help so he followed him, ending up in this current predicament, trying not to watch the drunken stranger drag his lips over Kame’s neck, until Kame pushed him away and all of a sudden he had somehow slid around behind Ueda’s stool and had his arms looped around his neck and was nibbling on his ear which after so much alcohol he could respond to in no other way than blushing and biting his lower lip.
Kame gave the other guy a meaningful look and the guy disappeared into the crowd. Ueda would have felt relieved if not for the fact that even with the random stranger gone Kame hadn’t disengaged himself from Ueda’s neck and was instead flicking his tongue over his pulse.
“K-Kame, what are you doing?” Ueda heard himself ask hoarsely, he was too drunk. Too drunk to do more than ask a stupid question in a stupid voice. And too drunk to stop Kame from dragging him from the club, pulling him into a taxi, and tugging him all the way up into his bedroom.
And too stupid to refuse whatever it was his friend wanted. He wasn’t the best at things like this, that job should normally be left to someone like Maru or Junno, who were more in touch with emotions in general, and better with words. Better with words? Who was the one with fourteen solo songs here? Yes, fourteen, everyone always seemed to forget about Pieces even though he tried so hard because it was the second one he ever wrote…and what the hell was he thinking about when Kame had somehow already crawled on top of him and managed to make his shirt disappear into the looming shadows in the corners of his room!
“K-Kame…wait…I don’t…” his voice was slurred ridiculously and his vision was spinning and he was beginning to think throwing up was a capital idea, but he couldn’t move, his body felt like a lead pipe and Kame was making him dizzy.
I’m never drinking again…was his last coherent thought as he felt a bolt of lightning rocket up his spine.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After dressing in the wee hours of the morning Ueda left a note for Kame beside his pillow as the younger male slept. He was beginning to feel dizzy with the pounding headache he had woken up with and he couldn’t quite get the image of a cup of coffee out of his head. If it starts dancing and singing at me I’m checking myself into hospital, he thought.
He hastily scribbled the note on a pad he found in the living room, with a pen he found on Kame’s desk, placing it carefully on the place his head had been only ten minutes earlier, glancing uncertainly at his own handwriting, feeling like a bad friend and an overall fucktard as he turned from the room and left as silently as possible, opting to take the early train home, shower, change clothes and stop in a café or something before he headed into work.
He thought back to the note as he walked.
Kame-chan,
I think last night was a bit of a mistake, and I think you need to work through a lot of feelings and you need to talk to someone, anyone. Maybe you should try talking to Jin. You’re obviously in pain right now and I hate to see you that way. Feel better soon okay? I’m so sorry.
Ueda was somewhat hoping that because he hadn’t signed his name and he had addressed him as Kame-chan which he rarely did, that Kame wouldn’t remember properly that it had been him he had spent the previous night with.
Ueda liked Kame, he always had and over recent years he’d developed a bit of a soft spot for him, a very brotherly feeling tinted the atmosphere whenever they hung out together, but he felt that his botched attempt at helping his ‘little brother’ the previous night had completely fucked up what should have been a comfortable and easy relationship. He threw on whatever clean clothes he found, which ended up being his usual uniform of a t-shirt, jeans and a long cardigan, though feeling too tired wrestle his jeans into boots he settled for sneakers. He sighed as he remembered again what he had written.
You need to talk to someone, anyone. Maybe you should try talking to Jin.
That’s right, talk to anyone, as long as it isn’t me. As long as it’s not a complete and utter screw-up like me.
He jammed a black woollen hat on his head that covered his hair almost completely and grabbed his bag and keys before slamming out of his apartment and beginning the walk to the station.
Once he got off the train he wandered into the first café he came to and ordered a large coffee and a blueberry muffin, placing himself in a chair near the window as he sipped the life-saving elixir and tried not to think about what a pathetic excuse for a human being he had managed to become in the space of a few simple hours.
After half an hour of staring at the half empty mug in front of him Ueda dragged himself to his feet and walked the rest of the way to the Jimusho leisurely, dreading the moment he and Kame were in the same room again. No one was there when he got there but that barely came as a surprise considering the fact that he was an hour early.
He found himself, though, wishing that someone, as long as it wasn’t Kame, arrived early along with him, just to pull him out of his own swirling dark pool of self loathing. Thankfully the first to arrive that morning was Nakamaru, and by talking to him about his drama and joking about how ironic his role was the pressing matter of the previous night was slowly forced aside, but it lurched back with a vengeance and a knot in Ueda’s stomach when Jin arrived, running his hands through his hair and looking tired and worried.
Hoping no one would notice Ueda slowly withdrew into a corner as more members began to arrive, feeling sick at the thought of Kame’s arrival.
When he did Ueda couldn’t decide whether to be shocked or relieved.
Koki looked up from his magazine as Kame walked in, his hand shielding his eyes from the lights, carrying a cup of coffee.
“Whoa, you look like you had fun last night!” he joked, and Ueda instantly tensed, fingers tightening around his own magazine. But Kame just laughed hoarsely and sat beside Koki on the couch.
“I better have, or this hangover will be a total waste,” Ueda blinked and stared at his magazine as though trying to burn a hole through it.
“What, you mean you don’t remember?” Koki asked, half incredulous, half amused. Kame grinned at him and sipped his coffee.
“Hardly, there was some stranger who kept touching my hips but I think he left me alone, I just remember drinking and dancing a lot, I can’t even remember properly how I got home, I think someone must have helped though because there was a note on my pillow when I woke up,” Ueda gripped the magazine harder, trying to turn himself invisible by sheer will power.
“Why’d you go out anyway?” Kame seemed to think for a moment.
“Not sure, last thing I remember clearly is being here talking to you Uebo,” Ueda almost dropped his magazine and slowly looked up at Kame who had dark circles under his eyes and one hand clamped to his forehead.
“Really?” If he doesn’t remember, I can’t tell him.
“Uepi are you okay, you look pale?” Junno suddenly asked, a hand on his shoulder. Ueda twitched and tried to smile.
“I’m fine,” he said, sounding like he wasn’t fine at all, but no-one pressed and the rest of the day passed without incident and Kame didn’t appear to be remembering anything. Thank god!
Ueda should have seen a problem waiting to happen on the horizon, it was karma, he was bound to be punished some way or other, and when he thought about it afterwards, there couldn’t have been anyway for the universe to hand him his punishment.
“Ne, Uebo, can you come over tonight? We’ve been talking about writing a new song together for ages, let’s do it!”
“Sure Jin,”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Of course, it wasn’t instantly apparent that this was the universe’s way of punishing him for being a horrific friend and band-mate, for the first hour they didn’t seem to get much further than the basic melody, they had no idea for lyrics whatsoever and the composition was barely underway when Jin sank back into his sofa cushions with a can of beer, a luxury Ueda politely declined after the events of the previous night…and from there the evening took an irreparable nose dive.
“Hey, Uebo, were you avoiding Kame today?” Ueda promptly choked on his orange juice and gave Jin a look of wide eyed, incredulous shock. Jin raised one eyebrow and took a sip of his beer.
“I’ll take that as a yes then,” Ueda shook his head violently, placing down his juice before he dropped it and busied himself with sifting through the half scribbled music sheets littered around him on the floor where he sat with one of Jin’s guitars in his lap.
“What are you talking about? Why would I be avoiding him? Haven’t you and he been avoiding each other for the last month or so, what’s going on with you two anyway?” There, successfully turned the conversation around. Score one. Jin sighed and chugged his beer again.
“We…hit a relationship bump of sorts,” he mumbled into the can. Ueda couldn’t help but raise one eyebrow in mild surprise.
“You guys are in a relationship?” Jin sighed.
“No. That’s the bump, I don’t know what to do or what to say, what if…?” he trailed off, leaving Ueda to put two and two together. He sighed and leaned back against Jin’s coffee table, staring at the music sheet in his lap, absently noting that he had mixed up two notes.
“You’re afraid he’ll reject you?” Jin sighed, nodded and threw back the last of his beer.
“I’m not sure I really want to talk about this,” he muttered. But suddenly felt that if he could even begin to make up for the horrendous mistake he made last night, it would be by someone helping Jin and Kame to resolve their problems and be happy. Isn’t that what he wanted in the first place? Of course! He only ever wanted his friends to be happy, he only ever wanted for whatever pain they endured to stop. Never mind whatever he felt, the happiness of his friends, whether they were happy, comfortable, in a relationship that made them feel good, that was always what mattered the most. If they could forget what a lousy friend he had proven himself to be, and be happy, that was the best he could ever hope for. So he tried.
“Jin, I think, maybe you should talk to Kame,” Jin suddenly turned from his empty can to glare at him.
“What the hell would you know; it would end up a disaster if I suddenly tried to talk to him about this!” Ueda frantically shook his head, crawling towards the couch, trying in vain to reach for Jin’s hands, trying and failing to convey his seriousness to his friend.
But of course, wasn’t this his punishment, after all?
“You can’t just avoid the problem forever Jin,”
“I can try,” Jin retorted.
“But that won’t fix anything!” Ueda said in exasperation.
“How can I just walk up to him and say ‘be with me’? He’ll run a mile.”
“I don’t think so, he seems like this problem between the two of you is really affecting him,” Ueda leant of his elbows on the sofa cushions by Jin’s knees while the other stared into the depths of the empty beer can. He tried again.
“Jin, I’m serious, I talked to Kame yesterday because he seemed so sad-!”
“Oh, so Kame seems sad and everyone runs to his side!” Ueda shook his head frantically.
“No! I mean, you’re better at hiding it! Kame was so obviously upset, I thought…I wanted to help, that’s all…but it all went…” Jin suddenly sat up and stared hard at him like he had just been given the equation of life itself. The very meaning of existence for all living organisms had just been conveyed to his younger band-mate and the utter shock was written all over his face.
“You…he said…this morning he said he didn’t remember…that was you? You got him drunk?” Ueda’s eyes widened. This wasn’t going to plan.
“Wait a minute! That wasn’t my plan! I offered to buy him dinner or watch movies and order take-out or something, so we could talk about what was bugging him-” Jin suddenly sat up, glaring down at him.
“Yet you went and got him drunk! Did it even help?” Ueda sighed and sat back on his heels.
“Not really, I mean, I managed to figure out from what he said…before he started drinking…that he was worried about his relationship with you and then…” Jin glanced at him, his eyes narrow.
“Then? What, what happened, was he alright?” Ueda sighed.
“Jin, he’s obviously torn up over this problem with you, he was drinking way too much,”
“Why didn’t you stop him?”
“Because I was just as drunk as him, he kept ordering us both more drinks,” Jin rolled his eyes.
“You’re both lightweights, what were you thinking?” Ueda sighed and threw up his hands. Helping out a sulky, lovesick Jin was proving to be a greater task than he had first anticipated. And I am NOT a lightweight! You try staying coherent when all you’re given is vodka doubles! Ueda had always thought he wasn’t the best at consoling people, unless he was writing songs he couldn’t put words together in the right way to make people feel better. In such situations he hadn’t a clue what to do, a point proven by the previous night’s disaster.
“I was thinking I only wanted to try and help, I know I fucked up, it was never my plan to…” he trailed off. Jin instantly looked at him. He didn’t want to say anything, he couldn’t tell Jin something like that, he couldn’t do that to his friend, he had already murdered his relationship with Kame, he didn’t want to put up a wall between him and Jin as well.
“Ueda? What? What were you going to say?” Ueda shook his head and stared at his knees, lowering his head to tip his hair over his eyes. Jin wasn’t going to be deterred however and sat up, staring at him hard enough to drill holes in his skull.
“Ueda tell me, what were you going to say about Kame?” Ueda gripped his own elbows and shook his head again.
“You have to talk to Kame, solve this between you, it just gets worse when I try to help,”
“Ueda! Tell me! What wasn’t it your plan to do? What did you do?” Kame. He thought and shook his head again. This time Jin reached out and grabbed his shoulders looking up into his eyes and he shuddered. Jin was deadly serious about Kame.
“Ueda, what did you do to Kame?” Ueda bit his lip and looked away. I can’t tell him…
But it seemed that despite the years of living with the nickname Bakanishi, Jin was not nearly as stupid and people pretended and joked. His eyes suddenly went wide, then narrowed and he grit his teeth, clinging to Ueda shoulders in a bruising grip, but Ueda didn’t move. All he could think was that he was a pitiful excuse for a human being and whatever Jin dealt him was all he deserved.
“You didn’t…you wouldn’t have…” Ueda hung his head again.
“It was never my plan to get so drunk that I’d end up at Kame’s apartment, I didn’t want that,”
“So you’re blaming Kame!” Ueda finally looked up and Jin was slightly taken aback by the level of self loathing he could see in Ueda’s expression.
“Of course not, it was completely my fault and I’ll hate myself forever for it! I almost ruined Kame’s life, might have ruined yours, but he doesn’t remember,” Jin backed off a little.
“He said he got a note on his pillow,”
“I deliberately didn’t sign my name, I told him to talk to you, I wrote it and left when I woke up…”
“Woke…you spent the night…with him? So you really did…” Sex is a tiring activity when you’re drunk, Ueda thought bitterly. For a moment there was a silence heavy with rage, then, all at once, Ueda raised his head slightly and saw Jin draw back his fist.
He watched the fist swing towards him, no intention of moving, every intention of letting Jin do him as much damage as he could before he broke his hands.
Jin was pretty strong. His fist hit him square between his eyes, greyed his vision and sent him slamming down onto the carpet on his back, staring mournfully at the ceiling.
“Talk to Kame, tell him how you feel, because I know he must feel the same way, I don’t want either of you to be miserable,” he slid his gaze to Jin’s face, which showed a mix of anger and confusion and pain.
“If you love him, for the sake of you both, you have to tell him,”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
To some extent, besides the fact that the second Jin saw him the next day he averted his gaze, Ueda felt relieved when he saw that Kame and Jin were talking happily to each other, their hands entwined on Jin’s knee, smiling more brightly and genuinely than Ueda had seen them do in ages. Kame of course, still didn’t remember what had happened between them, but Ueda just couldn’t meet his eyes so he stayed close to Koki and Maru. Besides Jin was still angry at him and every glance he gave him was overflowing with incredulous anger, so Ueda shrank back and did everything he could to become invisible throughout the day.
Koki however, still saw him, and saw that something was bothering him.
At the end of the day, after the others had left Koki came and stood by Ueda as he sifted through his bag for his car keys.
“What’s wrong with you today? You look miserable,” Ueda’s hands froze and he slowly looked up.
“Did something happen between you and Jin? Or you and Kame, you’ve been avoiding them all day, I know their little heart shaped bubble is a little nauseating but what gives?” Ueda sighed and shook his head.
“Nothing important,” he said, turning back at his bag, extracting his keys and slinging the bag over his shoulder. He was about to leave when Koki caught his arm.
“C’mon Tat-chan, you’ve been miserable all day, Tat-chan is supposed to smile and act like a high school kid!” Ueda had to crack a smile at that one. He had gotten used to being compared to a high school kid when he was in a happy mood, and it was somewhat comforting that Koki was concerned about him, but honestly he felt that since he had screwed up so badly with Kame and Jin, Koki’s innocent selfless concern wasn’t something he deserved.
At that moment Maru suddenly reappeared, and stopped in the doorway, looking from Koki to Ueda.
“Uh…are you guys okay?” Koki suddenly beamed and Ueda felt as though the bottom had dropped out of his stomach.
“Oi, Yucchi, Tat-chan’s been miserable all day hasn’t he?” Ueda looked at him sharply and back at Maru who looked thoughtful.
“True, you’ve been really quiet today, I don’t think I’ve seen you smile once, are you okay?” Ueda opened his mouth to tell them both he was fine so they’d let him go, but Koki was faster.
“C’mon Tat-chan, why don’t you come out with us? Loosen up, have some fun,” Ueda shook his head and slipped from Koki’s grip stepping away, edging toward then door.
“That’s okay, I’m pretty tired, I’m fine, really, nothing happened,” Maru rolled his eyes and clapped his hand on Ueda’s shoulder as he attempted to sidle past him, instead leading him back into the room. Suddenly feeling cornered and panicked Ueda threw off Maru’s arm and stared at the ground, his wide, panicked eyes hidden by his bangs.
“Tat-chan…?” Maru edged closer again, but he flinched back.
“Leave me alone…” he murmured. Good people…Maru and Koki were good people, they were good friends and not just to him, he didn’t deserve their kind willed patience and friendliness, they should be talking to Kame and Jin, making Kame feel better because he had had a whole night stolen from him, making Jin feel better because he had been betrayed by someone he thought was a friend. He didn’t deserve their concern and if they only knew what was really wrong they wouldn’t be offering it. The fact that they were making him feel worse and it made him feel suffocated.
Koki tried again.
“Uepopu, seriously, you can tell us, let us help,” he shook his head furiously, gripping his keys so hard they cut into his palm like vengeful teeth.
“No! You don’t get it! I…just leave me alone, please, don’t think about me…” Maru folded his arms.
“Does this have something to do with Kame? Or Jin?” Ueda twitched and screwed up his eyes, lowering his head further.
“I’ll take that as a yes. Did they do something? You can tell-”
“What!? No! I did! It’s them you should be feeling sympathetic over, it’s wasted on me! Just leave me alone!”
Maru and Koki stared at him with wide and confused eyes. Ueda bit his lip and turned away, making to leave again before Koki lunged forwards and grabbed his arm.
“Ueda! Wait a minute, what are you talking about? We won’t understand unless you tell us,”
“Like I’d tell you! You don’t need to know, just let me go!” Koki’s grip only tightened, but when it came to who was stronger it obviously wasn’t Koki. Ueda grabbed Koki’s wrist and wrenched free of his hold.
Letting go he watched Koki stumbled back, touching his wrist lightly, his wide eyes focused on Ueda’s face which was downturned, his bangs falling over his eyes. Maru looked from one to the other in shock. He couldn’t remember Ueda ever having deliberately hurt any of them before, not since they had stopped fighting each other. He moved forwards as if to take hold of his friend’s arms but Ueda raised his head at the last moment and brought his hands in between them, shoving him away so harshly he almost fell.
Looking back up at him he caught the expression on Ueda’s face, riddled with anguish and self loathing.
“Tatsuya…”
“Just…leave me alone,” Maru barely caught the muttered words before Ueda turned and all but ran from the room.
Sprinting down the hallway he pushed frantically through the door to the stairwell and made it down one half flights before collapsing against the wall and sitting on the top step, his head in his hands.
What’s wrong with me? What am I doing? Why?
Once again, precious friendships forged over almost a decade, shattered to piece by his own endless stupidity. Biting his bottom lip in an attempt to keep himself from crying outright he mourned over his four destroyed friendships. Somehow, having started out with good intentions, he had ruined one relationship after another. When Kame learned of what he had done he would hate him, Jin already knew and hated him for it, Maru and Koki thought they wanted to know and in their efforts to be their usual kind and caring selves he had ended up giving them a reason to hate him too.
I’m…the worst…the absolute worst…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What could he do?
Taguchi?
Could Taguchi help him?
Junno seemed goofy and silly and told bad jokes and was bad at reading the atmosphere sometimes, but he was the only one left he could ask, and maybe he would be able to figure this out better than Ueda could. It wasn’t like he deserved his friends’ forgiveness, but he still wanted them to know how he felt, at the very least.
Stopping to lean against a wall he fumbled with his phone, finding Junno’s number and hitting ‘call’, his held the phone to his ear with a shaking hand and drummed the fingers of the other hand against his elbow.
After a short while, which seemed like a much longer one considering the frayed remains of his nerves after the past three days, Junno picked up his phone with a cheerful if slightly distracted greeting.
“Um…Taguchi?” his voice sounded much smaller even to himself.
“Uepi?”
“T-Taguchi, do you…have some free time right now?”
“Sure, why? What’s wrong?” Ueda wasn’t sure if he was grateful or apprehensive toward Taguchi’s apparent ability to read him simply through his voice.
“I…I just…really need to talk to someone,” he heard his voice crack almost before the words were out of his mouth, and knew Taguchi, however much they teased him about being incapable of reading atmosphere, had picked up on his broken tone.
“Uepi what happened?” Taguchi’s voice was uncharacteristically serious and he sounded far more alert than when he had first answered the phone, like he had sat up straight and was staring sharply at his phone out of the corner of his eye.
“I…I fucked up so badly Taguchi, I don’t know what to do,” it was taking all his physical control over his eyes not to burst into tears.
“Where are you right now?” taking a deep breath to stall his threatening tears Ueda swallowed thickly before attempting to answer.
“Near…near the Jimusho, on the street with that coffee shop Yucchi likes,” at the mention of his once close friend Ueda had to screw up his eyes and bit his lip to keep his roiling emotions in check.
“I’ll be there in five minutes, don’t go anywhere!” Taguchi hung up and Ueda wearily pressed ‘End’ and slumped against the wall, glancing a short way down the street at the sign outside the coffee shop.