A new year, 1/2 will be school.
Wow, new year. You know I remember standing at the same spot I stood tonight, last year thinking "wow 2003 was so GREAT, I wonder how 2004 will compare, sure I nearly destroyed my car but everything after that has been an improvement." Well now here's 2004. My new years resolution for last year was to finally get through school, school is 18 months long though so I've kept it up for a whole year, 6 months to go. I have a lot of friends who are real angsty and falling into as this guy Ryan put it "a sub classification of humans." (emo) It's understandable. 2001 and 2002 weren't hot for me either. beginning of 2001 was no great joy, I failed a couple classes at Diablo Valley COLLEGE.
Yes I went to a college before the one I'm going to now. I changed course, yes. People think I've done nothing or I've been born into wealth and had it easy. Completely untrue but what can you say about stupidity? I've had many break ups, to which many suicide notes and songs can be traced back to, I'm here. I went to the doctor to get a recomendation to see a head and jaw specialist, to which they said it may take up to 6 months in order to get me in JUST TO LOOK at me. While I was there the doctor had told me my blood pressure was way up and I was stressing my body out too much. It took time to get past that. In 2003 I had called in sick to work, told my parents I was going to work to meet up with some local guy who said he'd be free and waiting for me to show up. He never did and instead of going to see a car show with Scott, I carelessly wandered into vaguely familiar territory to hang out with another friend instead of coming home and saying I got sent home early, which I could have, but no I was stupid and my stupidity caught up with me. Had I inched out further I would have been hit by that old steel framed station wagon, instead of the front of my car. I had to confess to my parents all I had done wrong and have them come pick me up. I had to pay them back with money I made working at Krispy Kreme.
That's not a glorious job, didn't pay that well, it was demeaning and embarassing, but it was all I had. I had to be picked up and driven all around. What's more, after 2 years I had to tell my parents DVC wasn't going to allow me to graduate, and I really had no interest in forcing the issue with them. I was quitting school. That wasn't an easy conversation. When my aunt showed me the flyer for Brooks College in Sunnyvale, I had no idea where the HELL sunnyvale WAS! I had to convince my mom THIS was for me. It's an hour and 15/20/30 minute drive. Back and forth, Monday Through Friday. With no carpool partner. I've done this for 12 months so far. Not one part of this has been EASY. I'm still here though. I understand being bitchy about things. It sucks, Life is difficult, life is pain, but if that's ALL you put into it, that's all you'll get. There's always going to be the bad in life, the shitty parts, the things you hate and don't want to do and go through, there's NO avoiding that! There is, however, good too! If you can't see that, then why the hell are you here? Go win a darwin award and kill yourself so your rotten genes don't pollute the pool. I'm dead serious. I could go lengthly into all the struggles I've had, needless to say I've overcome most of them, some I'm working on and will beat, others I will struggle with for the rest of my life. It's not easy to just say this. I am so very sympathetic for the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I've been used and told I'm ugly that I'll never have anybody special in my life, that I have no talent, I'll never succeed, I'll be living at home until I'm 40. I've been told/called it all. I've been dumped time and time again. I feel for those who are in desperate need of help right now, I've been there too. I look back at some of my entries and I'm embarassed at how stupid I sometimes sound. it's a good reminder for me though. I'm not making a new journal and starting "fresh" because I need to be reminded of my mistakes so I hopefully wont do it again. This is my history, the good and the bad. What I'm ultimately saying is this: If you're feely shitty right now and you're letting it out that's fine, it's all right to lament, and it's all right to rejoice. If you're embarassed because you feel you haven't done enough like my friend Ray or Cory, or like me you've been dealing with frequent break ups from people who lead you on and turn out to just not care, which is my friend Jason, or like Mr. Blood you're just pissed and sad with life all together. Try not to let anybody torment you further. There is ALWAYS hope for something better as long as you do 2 IMPORTANT things. #1. Stick around. Committ to life. #2. Leave yourself open for an opportunity. Opportunity for what? I'm not you all so I can't say, you should just hope to know it when you see it. I pray for all of you to make it through.
Yes I went to a college before the one I'm going to now. I changed course, yes. People think I've done nothing or I've been born into wealth and had it easy. Completely untrue but what can you say about stupidity? I've had many break ups, to which many suicide notes and songs can be traced back to, I'm here. I went to the doctor to get a recomendation to see a head and jaw specialist, to which they said it may take up to 6 months in order to get me in JUST TO LOOK at me. While I was there the doctor had told me my blood pressure was way up and I was stressing my body out too much. It took time to get past that. In 2003 I had called in sick to work, told my parents I was going to work to meet up with some local guy who said he'd be free and waiting for me to show up. He never did and instead of going to see a car show with Scott, I carelessly wandered into vaguely familiar territory to hang out with another friend instead of coming home and saying I got sent home early, which I could have, but no I was stupid and my stupidity caught up with me. Had I inched out further I would have been hit by that old steel framed station wagon, instead of the front of my car. I had to confess to my parents all I had done wrong and have them come pick me up. I had to pay them back with money I made working at Krispy Kreme.
That's not a glorious job, didn't pay that well, it was demeaning and embarassing, but it was all I had. I had to be picked up and driven all around. What's more, after 2 years I had to tell my parents DVC wasn't going to allow me to graduate, and I really had no interest in forcing the issue with them. I was quitting school. That wasn't an easy conversation. When my aunt showed me the flyer for Brooks College in Sunnyvale, I had no idea where the HELL sunnyvale WAS! I had to convince my mom THIS was for me. It's an hour and 15/20/30 minute drive. Back and forth, Monday Through Friday. With no carpool partner. I've done this for 12 months so far. Not one part of this has been EASY. I'm still here though. I understand being bitchy about things. It sucks, Life is difficult, life is pain, but if that's ALL you put into it, that's all you'll get. There's always going to be the bad in life, the shitty parts, the things you hate and don't want to do and go through, there's NO avoiding that! There is, however, good too! If you can't see that, then why the hell are you here? Go win a darwin award and kill yourself so your rotten genes don't pollute the pool. I'm dead serious. I could go lengthly into all the struggles I've had, needless to say I've overcome most of them, some I'm working on and will beat, others I will struggle with for the rest of my life. It's not easy to just say this. I am so very sympathetic for the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I've been used and told I'm ugly that I'll never have anybody special in my life, that I have no talent, I'll never succeed, I'll be living at home until I'm 40. I've been told/called it all. I've been dumped time and time again. I feel for those who are in desperate need of help right now, I've been there too. I look back at some of my entries and I'm embarassed at how stupid I sometimes sound. it's a good reminder for me though. I'm not making a new journal and starting "fresh" because I need to be reminded of my mistakes so I hopefully wont do it again. This is my history, the good and the bad. What I'm ultimately saying is this: If you're feely shitty right now and you're letting it out that's fine, it's all right to lament, and it's all right to rejoice. If you're embarassed because you feel you haven't done enough like my friend Ray or Cory, or like me you've been dealing with frequent break ups from people who lead you on and turn out to just not care, which is my friend Jason, or like Mr. Blood you're just pissed and sad with life all together. Try not to let anybody torment you further. There is ALWAYS hope for something better as long as you do 2 IMPORTANT things. #1. Stick around. Committ to life. #2. Leave yourself open for an opportunity. Opportunity for what? I'm not you all so I can't say, you should just hope to know it when you see it. I pray for all of you to make it through.