(no subject)
This year has really been...bad, sad...unnecessarily horrible, I think. Economy's crap, family troubles, my favorite dog passes away...and as optimistic as I try to stay, it's just faltering. I was always prone to depression; manic depressive, I was diagnosed with this. I raise above it, or at least it seems that way to me, when I'm really just on a manic high.
Losing my dog has made me unnecessarily weepy...about everything. I was holding on to my optimism just fine up until this point. Now I look at my dad and wonder how long I've got to spend with him, same with my mom. This is how it starts every time, before I go into a depressive state. I worry and cry and mope. I use art as my outlet, oh gawd, the stuff I do to my poor characters.
Trying to stay strong for everyone but it's getting hard. But the more I think, the more I realize my life is not what I've wanted. I'm happy and grateful that I have Karu, she keeps me together and at myself more than I let on, I think. It's just...everything else that's wrong. I depend on my parents and other people for rides. It's depressing, and not what I want. Every time I go to DO something about it, I freak out and back off.
But I'm going to try my hardest to get my driving permit. I'm tired of being a bother to my parents, I know they want better for me than this. Hell, I want better for myself...
College is depressing me to the point of...depression. I had plans to go to art school, a good school...bought ACT and SAT books to get my scores. Then my mom talked me out of it, and I let her. So it's not entirely her fault, I know, but everyone doubted and worried too much over it. Having no money to attend, having to have a damn score to get into an art college...and, even if I wanted to attend summer classes my mom freaks out about it.
I want to do something about this, but I'm too easily persuaded to do otherwise. I want to learn, to improve my art because it's something I love to do, not because I'll make money, and I'll never get that through self studies. It'll help a little but I'll never stick with it without a teacher. If I had a teacher, I'd have deadlines and grades to keep me on the straight and narrow. I don't have that on my own, I never will. I lack the conviction!
EKU has summer classes, their Continuing Education, but nothing...at all revolving around what I want. No figure drawing, animation...it's not as if I'd used it for profit, I just love art.
I crave improvement...for my art, the way I view myself, and to help my self confidence. I dunno, I'm just...ignore this. I rant like this sometimes when I'm upset, and I can't talk about it without getting even more weepy. Maybe this depressive phase will go by quickly.
I joined an OCT, was all excited about that but now I dunno. I feel like a damned bully and it's taking the fun out of it for me. It's not as if I think I'll win, I don't have that mindset but I'm not feeling so good about it anymore. Could just be that I'm depressed, but...I just don't know.
I honestly believe, though, that the bathroom is where every girl goes to cry. o_o I dunno why, everyone I know seems to go there whenever they're upset, including myself.
Losing my dog has made me unnecessarily weepy...about everything. I was holding on to my optimism just fine up until this point. Now I look at my dad and wonder how long I've got to spend with him, same with my mom. This is how it starts every time, before I go into a depressive state. I worry and cry and mope. I use art as my outlet, oh gawd, the stuff I do to my poor characters.
Trying to stay strong for everyone but it's getting hard. But the more I think, the more I realize my life is not what I've wanted. I'm happy and grateful that I have Karu, she keeps me together and at myself more than I let on, I think. It's just...everything else that's wrong. I depend on my parents and other people for rides. It's depressing, and not what I want. Every time I go to DO something about it, I freak out and back off.
But I'm going to try my hardest to get my driving permit. I'm tired of being a bother to my parents, I know they want better for me than this. Hell, I want better for myself...
College is depressing me to the point of...depression. I had plans to go to art school, a good school...bought ACT and SAT books to get my scores. Then my mom talked me out of it, and I let her. So it's not entirely her fault, I know, but everyone doubted and worried too much over it. Having no money to attend, having to have a damn score to get into an art college...and, even if I wanted to attend summer classes my mom freaks out about it.
I want to do something about this, but I'm too easily persuaded to do otherwise. I want to learn, to improve my art because it's something I love to do, not because I'll make money, and I'll never get that through self studies. It'll help a little but I'll never stick with it without a teacher. If I had a teacher, I'd have deadlines and grades to keep me on the straight and narrow. I don't have that on my own, I never will. I lack the conviction!
EKU has summer classes, their Continuing Education, but nothing...at all revolving around what I want. No figure drawing, animation...it's not as if I'd used it for profit, I just love art.
I crave improvement...for my art, the way I view myself, and to help my self confidence. I dunno, I'm just...ignore this. I rant like this sometimes when I'm upset, and I can't talk about it without getting even more weepy. Maybe this depressive phase will go by quickly.
I joined an OCT, was all excited about that but now I dunno. I feel like a damned bully and it's taking the fun out of it for me. It's not as if I think I'll win, I don't have that mindset but I'm not feeling so good about it anymore. Could just be that I'm depressed, but...I just don't know.
I honestly believe, though, that the bathroom is where every girl goes to cry. o_o I dunno why, everyone I know seems to go there whenever they're upset, including myself.