My Stomach
Why doesn't it go away? Why does this insecurity about my body not leave me already? How can I still feel so wrong for eating some extra veggies and not doing a ten to eleven mile walk today? My stomach feels bloated and I fear that I look like a cow to everyone out there.
EVERYONE tells me I am misguided and messed up but really its all I know. All I have known of myself is that I have no talent outside of my body and if what's left or is of it goes so goes my usefulness to society and people's desire to have me the 'annoying bitch' around.
I am rereading people's livejournals as well as my own and I reread this entry one of my friends told me that I was self centered and that I really was not wanted. That's what I truly believe about myself. Its what I thought even before that entry was posted. That's why I felt I had to work so much harder than most to be pretty and not be an annoyance to people. I also had to make up for the fact that I was a burden to people. This one family took me in and I always felt a bit wrong about it because they gave me so much but I could give them so little.
I miss those days though because I felt loved without condition like it is with Mom and Dad. If I don't believe what they believe about the world I am flawed.
Too much ranting today I apologize.
EVERYONE tells me I am misguided and messed up but really its all I know. All I have known of myself is that I have no talent outside of my body and if what's left or is of it goes so goes my usefulness to society and people's desire to have me the 'annoying bitch' around.
I am rereading people's livejournals as well as my own and I reread this entry one of my friends told me that I was self centered and that I really was not wanted. That's what I truly believe about myself. Its what I thought even before that entry was posted. That's why I felt I had to work so much harder than most to be pretty and not be an annoyance to people. I also had to make up for the fact that I was a burden to people. This one family took me in and I always felt a bit wrong about it because they gave me so much but I could give them so little.
I miss those days though because I felt loved without condition like it is with Mom and Dad. If I don't believe what they believe about the world I am flawed.
Too much ranting today I apologize.