FIC: August Changes (Guiding Light)
Title: August Changes
Author: rysler
Fandom: Guiding Light, Otalia
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Natalia's back from the retreat and looking for Olivia. That should go well, right?
Natalia crept into Olivia's office. The lights were off. The room was empty. Natalia swayed between disappointment and relief. She needed to find Olivia. Or find a place to wait for Olivia to come to her.
She sat down at Olivia's desk in the semi-darkness, breathing in the scents of ice cream and industrial carpet. She had been gone for so many weeks that Springfield seemed new and bright and a little bit different. Her memories--her weeks of fevered imaginings--and the real place didn't match anymore. She closed her eyes. She tried to sink back into reality.
When she opened her eyes, she saw herself staring back. She picked up the picture Olivia kept on her desk. She traced Emma's figure, and then Olivia's, and then her own. She was still here. Still part of Olivia's life.
She looked past the desk to the couch where Olivia had held her. And next to her calf, in the lower right-hand drawer, she knew, were her own personnel files. She inhaled, wanting to stay, wanting Olivia to find her like this, filling the space just a little bit more.
But it wasn't right, sitting in Olivia's chair. Like Natalia was the boss. Like Olivia had to come to her, instead of the other way around.
She could wait on the couch. Then Olivia would come in and sit at her desk, and stare at her. And condemn her, as she had so many times before from that very spot.
No, that was too much distance.
Natalia slipped out of the office and went to the elevator, surprised that no one saw her. She went up to the suite. She knocked. She pressed her ear against the door, but heard nothing.
She knocked again and called out, "Olivia, it's me, Natalia," and winced as fear rose up in her chest.
But nothing. No reaction No presence.
The key was in her purse. She could wait. Or she could slide down against the door and sit in a pile. With Blake, in the sunlight, she'd been so sure. Her quest had seemed so easy. But now worry gnawed at her. Olivia's unexpected absence echoed inside her.
She could go inside and slip into bed. Offer herself. She pictured Olivia's embarrassment. The sense of shame that went through her made her hesitated as she reached for the doorknob. She couldn't go where she might be unwanted. She would not have God's blessing in that.
* * *
She caught Olivia at the playground, tired of chasing, exasperated that this was in public, that this wasn't the even gazebo or the hotel or home. But she had faith in her plan. If she just kissed Olivia, things would start to be all right again. That had been her mistake before.
Olivia liked the grand gesture.
Natalia got close in the park, taking advantage of Olivia's shock, of the small talk, of the moments of calm and hope before the inevitable escalation, the rage. She held Olivia's face in her hands.
Olivia submitted. Natalia could the surrender as she leaned in--
But Emma interrupted. Natalia tried to play it off, to include their daughter, but Olivia had those precious seconds to regain her footing. She slipped away and came back only when she had her armor on, when she wouldn't let Natalia get within ten feet of her unless she was screaming.
Olivia sobbed her "I love yous" the way she had at the graveyard. Only six months ago, when it had been so hopeless. They'd come so far. If Natalia could only grab hold of her again, and not let her go…
Three seconds. Natalia only needed three seconds.
* * *
The farmhouse stood just where Natalia had left it. Intact. Waiting for Olivia as much as her. Natalia saw broken glass and clumped up patches of lawn. Wine stains. She could imagine where Olivia had sat, and then, with a cold fear inside her, where Olivia might have lain, where Olivia might have cried.
In the kitchen, Olivia's traces were fainter, older. Photographs and drawings on the refrigerator. Art on the walls. Natalia went to the staircase. She stopped. She couldn't go to her bedroom, where there was no Olivia at all.
Outside--that was strongest--that's where she wanted to be, wrapped up in Olivia's sorrow like it was her own echoing, aching heart.
She needed help.
God, she needed help.
She dropped onto the bench on the porch and found her cell phone. She scrolled through her address book. Names appeared. People she didn't really know, people she couldn't ask. Buzz. She'd hurt two people he loved dearly, one after the other. Jeffrey, who'd done nothing but help her. She couldn't ask, not again. Ava's number was only for emergencies. Facing Ava was like facing her own son. The condemnation would sicken her, weaken her.
She needed to be strong.
Only one name eased instead of frightened. A man she had actually helped. She hadn't done as much as good as she'd hoped. The retreat had shown her--but this small deed. This kind man. He approved. Maybe he--
"Phillip," she said, when he answered the phone. She thought that he wouldn't, that he might have her number in his cell phone but might not remember her--that girl who left over a month ago--or worse, that he would. But she'd had her message all planned out.
"Natalia. Hi."
"I have no right to ask you for a favor--" she started. Her speech. Her eyes closed tightly.
"Natalia," he interrupted. "I'm happy you're back."
She didn't say anything. Phillip waited in the silence and then repeated himself, slowly and with more emphasis. "Natalia, I'm happy. That you're back."
"Thank you, Phillip," she said.
"What do you need from me?"
"I need…" She took a deep breath. "I need Olivia at the farmhouse. I don't know how. I just--I need her."
"We'll work it out. Natalia--"
If he was going to say he was happy she was back again, she was going to burst into tears.
* * *
Olivia sat sullenly on the bench. Phillip hadn't tied her down, but she sagged like a rag doll, discarded and unmoving. Worn. Tired.
Three seconds ticked by.
Natalia didn't know what to say. She rubbed her eyes. She stared at Olivia, who wouldn't look at her. She parted her lips. No words came out. No movement came forth.
Olivia coughed, saying, "How many times have I prayed for you to come back, and not love me, or care, or even know me? Just come back. Hate me but be alive, and healthy. Just be okay. I bargained. I promised--"
"Olivia."
"I just wanted to take care of you. Because I promised Gus you'd be all right and--I don't know how to take care of anyone. So I just gave you money because you didn't have any, and then more money and then… more. And you brought me here." She looked at the farmhouse, and then at Natalia.
Natalia tried to smile. Her cheeks hurt. "I just wanted to take care of you, too," she said. "So you'd be all right."
Olivia nodded dully.
"And I fell in love with you. So many people have fallen in love with you." Natalia said.
"I can't love and survive at the same time."
Natalia thought of her perfect, fake life. Frank and his baby and her son and the church and Springfield herself, offering and embracing. With Olivia's hand on her ankle, pulling her down underneath all that, into darkness, into the farmhouse, until she ended in Olivia's arms with her tears dripping on Olivia's skin. Willing to sell her soul.
"I know," she said.
"Then don't--"
"I didn't want to fall in love with you," Natalia said. "I didn't want--" She looked at her hands. She had won silence back, but she didn't dare look at Olivia.
Olivia was not making a sound, trying very hard not to be there.
Natalia took a deep breath. "But I couldn't help it. There you are." She peeked.
Olivia lifted her chin and turned, slowly rotating her neck, to meet Natalia's gaze with anguish in her eyes, with swollen cheeks and tears.
"I've only been in love once before. Or, not even. The men--I don't know. I wanted Gus to hold me. To smile at me. To be with me. But I want you… I want you. Like--"
Natalia hesitated. Olivia's breath stopped. Her eyes widened.
"Maybe I haven't been in love. But I loved my parents, Olivia. And I thought they--I thought they loved me, too. They were indulgent. You know? They--I guess, as long as I did everything right."
The pain in Olivia's eyes changed. Natalia looked down and said, "I do everything wrong with you."
Silence, when Natalia thought that Olivia might grin. Chide her. Make a bad joke. Agree. But warm, delicate hands touched her face, drawing her up. Olivia's eyes came into focus again. Narrowed. Intent. Olivia kissed her.
The kiss was hard pressure from teeth and jaw and unforgiving lips. And misaimed, so that Natalia could neither kiss back nor turn away. She slipped on the bench. Her mouth was punished. Her face hurt.
She hated it. Every second. Until Olivia released her, staring wildly, breathing hard. The sudden lack of Olivia's kiss appalled her more than bruises. She brought Olivia back.
The second kiss consumed them. Natalia's mouth opened and Olivia matched, heat and passion and but instead of pressure an all-consuming tenderness. Natalia sank into it. She tightened her grip on Olivia's hair.
Olivia shifted and pressed her against the bench. Natalia wanted to be devoured. She wanted to cry.
She turned her head. Olivia let her breathe, peppering kisses along the side of her face. Lips brushed her temple, her hairline, her cheek. Natalia smiled, looking again, and Olivia's kiss grazed her chin.
"Olivia."
Olivia nuzzled the corner of her mouth.
"Olivia, come inside."
"Why?"
"My house misses you."
Olivia drew back.
"It does. I need you. In every corner. Please stay."
"I stayed." Anger rippled through Olivia's expression.
"Just a little bit longer."
Olivia raised her eyebrows.
"Three seconds," Natalia said, leaning in for another kiss.
Olivia obliged her lips, and then asked, "And then what?"
"Three more."
"And then what," Olivia mouthed against her lips.
"Three more…"
END
Author: rysler
Fandom: Guiding Light, Otalia
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Natalia's back from the retreat and looking for Olivia. That should go well, right?
Natalia crept into Olivia's office. The lights were off. The room was empty. Natalia swayed between disappointment and relief. She needed to find Olivia. Or find a place to wait for Olivia to come to her.
She sat down at Olivia's desk in the semi-darkness, breathing in the scents of ice cream and industrial carpet. She had been gone for so many weeks that Springfield seemed new and bright and a little bit different. Her memories--her weeks of fevered imaginings--and the real place didn't match anymore. She closed her eyes. She tried to sink back into reality.
When she opened her eyes, she saw herself staring back. She picked up the picture Olivia kept on her desk. She traced Emma's figure, and then Olivia's, and then her own. She was still here. Still part of Olivia's life.
She looked past the desk to the couch where Olivia had held her. And next to her calf, in the lower right-hand drawer, she knew, were her own personnel files. She inhaled, wanting to stay, wanting Olivia to find her like this, filling the space just a little bit more.
But it wasn't right, sitting in Olivia's chair. Like Natalia was the boss. Like Olivia had to come to her, instead of the other way around.
She could wait on the couch. Then Olivia would come in and sit at her desk, and stare at her. And condemn her, as she had so many times before from that very spot.
No, that was too much distance.
Natalia slipped out of the office and went to the elevator, surprised that no one saw her. She went up to the suite. She knocked. She pressed her ear against the door, but heard nothing.
She knocked again and called out, "Olivia, it's me, Natalia," and winced as fear rose up in her chest.
But nothing. No reaction No presence.
The key was in her purse. She could wait. Or she could slide down against the door and sit in a pile. With Blake, in the sunlight, she'd been so sure. Her quest had seemed so easy. But now worry gnawed at her. Olivia's unexpected absence echoed inside her.
She could go inside and slip into bed. Offer herself. She pictured Olivia's embarrassment. The sense of shame that went through her made her hesitated as she reached for the doorknob. She couldn't go where she might be unwanted. She would not have God's blessing in that.
* * *
She caught Olivia at the playground, tired of chasing, exasperated that this was in public, that this wasn't the even gazebo or the hotel or home. But she had faith in her plan. If she just kissed Olivia, things would start to be all right again. That had been her mistake before.
Olivia liked the grand gesture.
Natalia got close in the park, taking advantage of Olivia's shock, of the small talk, of the moments of calm and hope before the inevitable escalation, the rage. She held Olivia's face in her hands.
Olivia submitted. Natalia could the surrender as she leaned in--
But Emma interrupted. Natalia tried to play it off, to include their daughter, but Olivia had those precious seconds to regain her footing. She slipped away and came back only when she had her armor on, when she wouldn't let Natalia get within ten feet of her unless she was screaming.
Olivia sobbed her "I love yous" the way she had at the graveyard. Only six months ago, when it had been so hopeless. They'd come so far. If Natalia could only grab hold of her again, and not let her go…
Three seconds. Natalia only needed three seconds.
* * *
The farmhouse stood just where Natalia had left it. Intact. Waiting for Olivia as much as her. Natalia saw broken glass and clumped up patches of lawn. Wine stains. She could imagine where Olivia had sat, and then, with a cold fear inside her, where Olivia might have lain, where Olivia might have cried.
In the kitchen, Olivia's traces were fainter, older. Photographs and drawings on the refrigerator. Art on the walls. Natalia went to the staircase. She stopped. She couldn't go to her bedroom, where there was no Olivia at all.
Outside--that was strongest--that's where she wanted to be, wrapped up in Olivia's sorrow like it was her own echoing, aching heart.
She needed help.
God, she needed help.
She dropped onto the bench on the porch and found her cell phone. She scrolled through her address book. Names appeared. People she didn't really know, people she couldn't ask. Buzz. She'd hurt two people he loved dearly, one after the other. Jeffrey, who'd done nothing but help her. She couldn't ask, not again. Ava's number was only for emergencies. Facing Ava was like facing her own son. The condemnation would sicken her, weaken her.
She needed to be strong.
Only one name eased instead of frightened. A man she had actually helped. She hadn't done as much as good as she'd hoped. The retreat had shown her--but this small deed. This kind man. He approved. Maybe he--
"Phillip," she said, when he answered the phone. She thought that he wouldn't, that he might have her number in his cell phone but might not remember her--that girl who left over a month ago--or worse, that he would. But she'd had her message all planned out.
"Natalia. Hi."
"I have no right to ask you for a favor--" she started. Her speech. Her eyes closed tightly.
"Natalia," he interrupted. "I'm happy you're back."
She didn't say anything. Phillip waited in the silence and then repeated himself, slowly and with more emphasis. "Natalia, I'm happy. That you're back."
"Thank you, Phillip," she said.
"What do you need from me?"
"I need…" She took a deep breath. "I need Olivia at the farmhouse. I don't know how. I just--I need her."
"We'll work it out. Natalia--"
If he was going to say he was happy she was back again, she was going to burst into tears.
* * *
Olivia sat sullenly on the bench. Phillip hadn't tied her down, but she sagged like a rag doll, discarded and unmoving. Worn. Tired.
Three seconds ticked by.
Natalia didn't know what to say. She rubbed her eyes. She stared at Olivia, who wouldn't look at her. She parted her lips. No words came out. No movement came forth.
Olivia coughed, saying, "How many times have I prayed for you to come back, and not love me, or care, or even know me? Just come back. Hate me but be alive, and healthy. Just be okay. I bargained. I promised--"
"Olivia."
"I just wanted to take care of you. Because I promised Gus you'd be all right and--I don't know how to take care of anyone. So I just gave you money because you didn't have any, and then more money and then… more. And you brought me here." She looked at the farmhouse, and then at Natalia.
Natalia tried to smile. Her cheeks hurt. "I just wanted to take care of you, too," she said. "So you'd be all right."
Olivia nodded dully.
"And I fell in love with you. So many people have fallen in love with you." Natalia said.
"I can't love and survive at the same time."
Natalia thought of her perfect, fake life. Frank and his baby and her son and the church and Springfield herself, offering and embracing. With Olivia's hand on her ankle, pulling her down underneath all that, into darkness, into the farmhouse, until she ended in Olivia's arms with her tears dripping on Olivia's skin. Willing to sell her soul.
"I know," she said.
"Then don't--"
"I didn't want to fall in love with you," Natalia said. "I didn't want--" She looked at her hands. She had won silence back, but she didn't dare look at Olivia.
Olivia was not making a sound, trying very hard not to be there.
Natalia took a deep breath. "But I couldn't help it. There you are." She peeked.
Olivia lifted her chin and turned, slowly rotating her neck, to meet Natalia's gaze with anguish in her eyes, with swollen cheeks and tears.
"I've only been in love once before. Or, not even. The men--I don't know. I wanted Gus to hold me. To smile at me. To be with me. But I want you… I want you. Like--"
Natalia hesitated. Olivia's breath stopped. Her eyes widened.
"Maybe I haven't been in love. But I loved my parents, Olivia. And I thought they--I thought they loved me, too. They were indulgent. You know? They--I guess, as long as I did everything right."
The pain in Olivia's eyes changed. Natalia looked down and said, "I do everything wrong with you."
Silence, when Natalia thought that Olivia might grin. Chide her. Make a bad joke. Agree. But warm, delicate hands touched her face, drawing her up. Olivia's eyes came into focus again. Narrowed. Intent. Olivia kissed her.
The kiss was hard pressure from teeth and jaw and unforgiving lips. And misaimed, so that Natalia could neither kiss back nor turn away. She slipped on the bench. Her mouth was punished. Her face hurt.
She hated it. Every second. Until Olivia released her, staring wildly, breathing hard. The sudden lack of Olivia's kiss appalled her more than bruises. She brought Olivia back.
The second kiss consumed them. Natalia's mouth opened and Olivia matched, heat and passion and but instead of pressure an all-consuming tenderness. Natalia sank into it. She tightened her grip on Olivia's hair.
Olivia shifted and pressed her against the bench. Natalia wanted to be devoured. She wanted to cry.
She turned her head. Olivia let her breathe, peppering kisses along the side of her face. Lips brushed her temple, her hairline, her cheek. Natalia smiled, looking again, and Olivia's kiss grazed her chin.
"Olivia."
Olivia nuzzled the corner of her mouth.
"Olivia, come inside."
"Why?"
"My house misses you."
Olivia drew back.
"It does. I need you. In every corner. Please stay."
"I stayed." Anger rippled through Olivia's expression.
"Just a little bit longer."
Olivia raised her eyebrows.
"Three seconds," Natalia said, leaning in for another kiss.
Olivia obliged her lips, and then asked, "And then what?"
"Three more."
"And then what," Olivia mouthed against her lips.
"Three more…"
END