Handling my anniversary- Feb 17th
I woke up far too early, ruining my plan of sleeping through as much of the day as possible, trying to let it just go by. But it refused, as things tend to do when you need them to go by the most. I closed my eyes and thought over the joys of marriage, trying to remind myself that all of life is a devil's bargain, and I signed my contract with Mephistopheles knowing the terms. It would be our ninth year this year. We were going to have a big vow renewal on our tenth. He thought he would make 34. So did I. For one moment, we allowed ourselves to forget that making plans for the future was a very risky game of chance, and Ry was never all that good at roulette, craps, or blackjack.
I got out of bed and fixed a breakfast pocket for Ahava. I am not a good cook, and the microwave seems to be one of the few things that does not elude me. the tension of the day was in the air. Will I crack? Will I be okay? How do I know? How can I know anything, crazy people don't know they're crazy? Am I crazy right now? I sipped my tea and stared out the kitchen window, the warm wind was blowing through, and the snow was melting, the grass revealing itself like a nervous bride on her wedding night. He loved this time of yer, when there was so much promise of the spring, the winter chill unable to hang on much longer. I looked at Ahava, the promise I was given of a new day. She's the flower I look at to get me through the winter. I sighed deeply and moved away from the window, trying to figure out things I could do to get my mind off the dinner I planned for myself that night.
Finding none, I set off to the shower to let myself lose it. The water poured down on me, and I could not differentiate the salt water of my tears from the warm rush of cleansing water. I toyed with the ring that was placed on my finger nine years ago, and a sudden burst of anger shot through me. "What the hell is your problem?!?!" I yelled to the ceiling, not even sure myself whether I was talking to God, or to Ry. "Wasn't my plan good enough!? Was it so wrong?! Do you enjoy doing this to me, because I really think you do." I was definitely in dialogue with that guy who calls himself I AM at this point. " You suck at your job! I think you ought to know that, and if I was hiring a diety, you would not be it!" The only sound that came in return was the rush of the water on my face, and the silence of being ignored by someone who is supposed to love me. Giving up, and having cried myself dry, I got out of the shower and got dressed.
I knelt next to Ahava as she worked on her desk, some painting she had been working on for the better part of a day. She's never happy with things. "What do you want to do today, Ahava?'' I asked her. She looked over at me and gave me a noncommital shrug, and I pondered for another second what we should do. "Let's go out, Ahava. I'll take you to lunch, maybe a movie?" She smiled and went to get her coat, and I took a deep breath, readying myself for the day.
"Your Aba and I used to sit in this booth all the time when we came here." She leaned across the table, knowingly "I KNOW, Ima, your initials are right there." She pointed to the spot where our names were carved in the back of the old wooden booth. Clearly, I had told this story too many times before. I leaned back and waited for the waitress to come get my order for the strawberry ice cream soda I was always got. Ahava would be getting a huckleberry milkshake, and we'd both get a bowl of chili. A bit too predictable, we are. I closed my eyes, and my mind faded back to the times Ry and I spent here, him plugging the jukebox full of quarters, buying some honeycomb on the way out, and laughing. Always laughing.
When we finished, I asked Ahava what she would like to do today. "We could go see a movie, or go to the park, or whatever you like." She pondered as she sipped on the remnants of her milkshake. "We should go make cupcakes over at Bubbe's." I looked at my child in disbelief. "I tell you anything, you ask for cupcakes. What a kid." Ahava gave me a look of mild disapproval, and grabbed her coat. "Let's walk." She said, with a note in her voice as if she were herding me.
We walked to the house where my husband grew up, and we knocked on the door as we opened it. Knocking the door is a formality anyhow. "Hey!" Michael smiled and looked up from the couch where he was reading his Newsweek. Ahava gave him a hug and ran straight to the kitchen to accost Hannah and start with the baking of the cupcakes. As the clatter of bowls and spoons started up, Michael turned to me and asked what we should do now that we were entirely useless. "Did you write a card for Ry? Do you want to me to walk with you to the cemetary? Or drive?" I did write him a card, but I'm giving it to him tonight at dinner. "No, no, Michael, it's alright." He hugged me with one arm. "You know, when you have a kid with CF, there are a few things you hope for. Someone to love them for who they are for the rest of their lives is a big one. You were the answer to that prayer, Allie. You can beat yourself up as much as you want, but you did love him well." "I tried. He loved me well."
I paced as I waited for the clock to move that night. The day had gone so slowly, and it was so agonizing. 8:30 rolled around and Ahava was headed to bed. I slipped on my blue dress that Ry loved so much, with my silver locket, and long earrings. I checked my phone. Three different people said they would call me today. Nothing "They forgot me. They all forgot me." I shoved the phone into a drawer, and poured myself a glass of wine as I set the table for two.
The candles are lit and the table is set with a meal I remember from seven years of a joyful marriage. The wine in the glass calls to me, as it were the blood from my torn and bleeding heart, wishing to return in whatever way it could. I sat down in the dark blue dress that Ry mad made me buy when all I wanted was a little black dress. But a blue dress that swished in the wind and dipped more in the front than I was used to was what I got. It was always his favorite.
Sitting at the table, the full silence that permeated the house surrounded me, filled every inch of space, and caused the candles to flicker as I looked to the empty seat across the table. I chocked on my own words, unable to sy anything for an instant until a few words tumbled out. "You left me." The words hung in the air, and, frightened of their power, my brain reverted to an old piece of poetry, something safer, as if it could make it less true. "You left me sweet, two legacies..." I trailed of, unable to convince myself that was what I meant to do in the first place. After the lightning of my words, the air of silence rushed into the rip, rumbling and resonating like thunder through the room.
I fumbled with my fork and shoveled a mouthful of rice in, thinking of something to say. "Ry?" I called out into the silence, and a candle flickered again. "I-I miss you. You know that. Hell, the entire western world knows that." I clsoed my eyes, and breathed deeply, trying to remain as sane as possible. I took a drink of wine and gulped the glass down, trying to fill the empty hole in my heart like a knothole in a fence. I poured myself another glass. "I thought things would get easier. I have had so many things happen to me in life. I've been in abusive relationships, been an outcast all my school years, stood up at prom," I sighed. " But Ry, this is infinitely harder." I started to drink my next glass. "Everyone talks about this getting easier. I think they lie, because it hasn't for me. I'm better at hiding my heart, because I know people expect things to be better. But they didn't love you like I do." I tried to eat more of my dinner. "When we got married, the world was before us like a dream. There was so much possibility. Why did all that have to go away?? I loved you the best I knew how, with all my heart. Where the hell is all the Snow White stuff I was told about as a kid, or Sleeping Beauty? Love should have been enough to save you. " I wiped away my tears on the napkin, and pushed my food around. "We all miss you. Your dad took it harder than we all expected, I think. He was really close to you, Ry. I miss the way your eyes used to glitter when you were happy. I would think loss would be easier. People lose things every day. Keys, folders, husbands...and I knew. I knew I was going to lose you." I poured myself another glass, and sliced the small wedding cake topper I ordered. "Sometimes I just don't know better. I miss the hell out of you...god damn it, Ry." I grudgingly took a bite of my cake. "Screw this. I can't do this. "
I grabbed a bottle of Polish liquor off the shelf, and retired to the floor of my bedroom, to try and forget what I will always remember. Happy 9th anniversary to me.