(no subject)
Some time ago, my friend Emily wrote a letter to my mother about how evil and hateful she was to me, but especially to my husband. I decided to post it here becuase I'm proud of her, and becuase everyone should know what a horrible little person my mother is and was.
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I warn you, those of you that think I'm extreme, I would suggest you leave now. I wrote Allie's mother a letter a little while back, and was just reminded of it. I'm so proud of it, and I know lots of us know stories about her, and really wanted to share. So I'm copying it. To begin, I shall fill in those of you that don't know why I hate the woman.
She was always terrible to Ry. Always. It didn't matter that Allie loved him, he was sick and dying, and therefore a waste of time, and 1000 other negative things. She told him things like "You know Ahava won't remember you. At least she'll be able to attach herself to a new dad when Allie remarries." She called him a freeloader (leeching off of Allie), and a terrible father (because he couldn't run around with Ahava). She told him he liked shoving CF in people's faces and using it as an excuse. She told him not to take enzymes at HER dinner table, and that he "breathed too loud." The worst part was, all Ry ever did was try to make her accept and love him. The woman was awful. At his FUNERAL, she said to Ry's mother "Well this must be a relief, because he was a dead weight anyway." Ry's mother then proceeded to get up and punch her in the face so hard she broke Allie's mother's nose. Hah!! She never once was nice to Ry, and still tells Allie things like "Well, we knew this would happen if you married that boy" referring to his death. She tries to force Allie to date again. After Ry died, she took down a family photo in her house of Allie, Ry, and Ahava, and replaced it with one of just Allie and Ahava to be "accurate." Bullsh*t. I hate her. Hate. She's a terrible human being, and therefore, I wrote her the following letter (I should add I am posting this with Allie's permission):
To Allie's mother, Ahava's grandmother, and RY'S MOTHER-IN-LAW:
I am a good friend of your daughter's. She's one of my very favorite people on the planet, and I love her. I try to make sure I'm around so she has someone to talk to when life gets her down. I usually do a fairly good job... at least about as well as anyone can expect. In listening to her tell me of the unfairness of her life, she's told me many a story about you.
Let me start by saying I myself have CF. I'm a 22-year-old female named Emily. I understand not wanting your child to marry a CFer. I understand it very well. No one wants to see their child hurt, and obviously Allie hurts over losing Ry. But there's something I think it's about time you learn. Allie is a big girl. She can decide for herself. And while I understand even questioning a relationship with a CFer... Once she says "Well I know the reality, but I love him and we're getting married," then most decent people would accept that man as their son. It's not an ideal situation, but what Allie and Ry had was the kind of love you don't often see anymore. If Allie decided that loving Ry was worth losing him, then you should've let it be right there.
Ry wasn't able to run around with Ahava. Was he a bad father? Absolutely not. When Allie told me you said that, I was surprised. Ahava lost her daddy very young, and that's sad. But he didn't do that on purpose. And what other 4 year old gets to spend every day all day playing tea party with their Aba? He loved that child like no other, and he was a fabulous father to her. Even when he was so sick that walking from one room to the next made him short of breath, he played with her in any way he was able. He never faked anything, or used CF as an excuse. That, by the way, is incredibly offensive. You are not capable of making an intelligent statement about that until you live with CF yourself. From what I understand, he more often lied and said he was fine when he wasn't, than used CF as an excuse not to do something. He tried to avoid that as much as possible, because it's embarrassing for us. You actually go and accuse him of being an exaggerative faker, looking to use Allie for his own lazy agenda? Just shows how much you know. Did you know that a mere month or two before he died, Ry mustered up the energy and strength he had left to go to parent day at Ahava's school because she asked him to? No matter how hard and painful it was for him, and I promise you that it was, he made sure he was there. It mattered to Ahava, so it mattered to Ry. Oh and I positively love that you told him he was breathing too loud at his last big dinner with your family. That's just outright preposterous. I hope you know how juvenile and ridiculous that sounds. You think he did it on purpose? Or maybe that he enjoyed putting that much effort into breathing? Something I know that you take for granted. It's not as if he smoked himself to lung cancer. He never asked for CF. None of us do.
IF Allie decides she ever wants to date again, she will do it on her own time. And you know what? If she doesn't, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with loving her soul mate for the rest of her life and not settling for anything less. If she mourns Ry until the day she dies, she's allowed. I can't even imagine living through what she has, and how dare you try to tell her how to handle it? You have no idea what it's like, and should not be giving her advice when she's told you she doesn't want it.
I myself have been dating a guy named Mike for almost 3 years now. His family accepts and loves me, no questions asked. They got to know me, who I am, and based their opinions of me on that, not on my CF. They do talk to Mike about it, because we don't ignore reality. Mike's dad has talked to him about being financially responsible and making sure he has a job with really good medical insurance. They've discussed all sorts of things. But not once... ever, did they tell him to reconsider. They never even asked him to think twice about it. They know how he feels about me, and trusted him to decide for himself. You know what's funny about that? Mike and I started dating when he was only 17 years old, and his parents still trust that he made the right decision for himself at such a young age. Allie is much further into adulthood than Mike or myself, and you treat her like she's an idiot child who doesn't know how to make her own choices.
The thing that kills me is the way you spoke to Ry. Telling him he was a bad father, and "You know, Ahava won't remember you when you die. At least she can get attached when Allie remarries." How can you physically bring yourself to say those kinds of things to someone? I don't for the life of me understand it. It's heartless. The only thing Ry EVER tried to do was impress you, make you love and accept him. And he died knowing you hated him. He was your son-in-law. Some of the things you said to him or to Allie make me wish I could reach through my computer screen and punch you just a little bit. By the way, I think it's fantastic that Hannah broke your nose at Ry's funeral. You deserved it.
You should know, that by continually pissing Allie off, you're only alienating her. She thinks of Hannah as her mother far more than you. You ever notice that when you say something callous to her about Ry, she hangs up on you? And then when you call back, you notice how she doesn't answer? I think even a 6-year-old would get that hint. If you want to keep talking to your daughter, I suggest you shape up. Either that, or back off entirely and leave her alone.
The ONLY thing you cause her these days is pain and anger. Whenever you call, she comes to me to tell me the latest "listen to what my bitch mother had to say about my dead husband" story. I should think that, knowing how much Ry meant and still means to Allie, you would have not only the decency, but also the common sense, not to insult him.
I would say I'm sorry that you never liked your son-in-law, but I'm not. And I don't lie. So I'll just say this: It was never your decision. It was Allie's and Allie's alone. She was an adult and made the decision she wanted to. Yes, it caused and is still causing her tremendous amounts of pain. But it was worth it and she still says she wouldn't take it back. That's how strong their love is. And finally, I have to ask: If you hated him for causing her pain, why in the world are you adding to her pain now? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of your hating him?
Think of me what you will. Obviously I'm biased in this situation because I'm in the same spot that Ry was (only my in-laws actually treat me like a person). But that doesn't mean I tell you lies. I speak only the truth. And yes I'm only 22 years old, but given what I know of you... and how I've helped Allie vs. how you've hurt her, I think my advice is worth listening to.
By the way, my being 22 does not, contrary to popular adult opinion, mean I have no validity whatsoever in saying I have intelligence, knowledge, and life experience. I have lived with CF for 22 years, had 8 surgeries in total, including a hysterectomy at 18. I've been on meds and done treatments, doing enough rounds of IVs so that I stopped counting. I've been surrounded by doctors, hospitals, tests, and the whole medical world, since I was 2 days old, had my first surgery, and was diagnosed with CF. Don't you dare try to presume I am too naive to spread some insight.
Let me end by going back and relating to you. I have asked Mike numerous times if he was sure if he wanted to stay with me, knowing what was coming. I asked him to consider leaving, finding a healthy girl who can have his kids. Every single time, he gave me the same four answers. 1) I'd rather have as much time with you as possible, than none at all. 2) I'm a big boy, I can make my own decisions, and it insults me when you try to "decide what's best for me." It's condescending. 3) I love you. 4) Shut up.
Maybe you should try listening to him. He's only 20, but same as me, he's a pretty intelligent person, also fully capable of passing on some useful understanding to you. I might also add that he has been through more than most 20 year olds, signing up for a chronically ill wife at such a young age. Allie knew what she was doing, and she wanted any time with Ry she could get. She's a big girl, and whether it's him telling her to leave or you, she CAN choose for herself. She loves him. And you should shut up.
-Emily
22-year-old CF citizen of Connecticut
.
I warn you, those of you that think I'm extreme, I would suggest you leave now. I wrote Allie's mother a letter a little while back, and was just reminded of it. I'm so proud of it, and I know lots of us know stories about her, and really wanted to share. So I'm copying it. To begin, I shall fill in those of you that don't know why I hate the woman.
She was always terrible to Ry. Always. It didn't matter that Allie loved him, he was sick and dying, and therefore a waste of time, and 1000 other negative things. She told him things like "You know Ahava won't remember you. At least she'll be able to attach herself to a new dad when Allie remarries." She called him a freeloader (leeching off of Allie), and a terrible father (because he couldn't run around with Ahava). She told him he liked shoving CF in people's faces and using it as an excuse. She told him not to take enzymes at HER dinner table, and that he "breathed too loud." The worst part was, all Ry ever did was try to make her accept and love him. The woman was awful. At his FUNERAL, she said to Ry's mother "Well this must be a relief, because he was a dead weight anyway." Ry's mother then proceeded to get up and punch her in the face so hard she broke Allie's mother's nose. Hah!! She never once was nice to Ry, and still tells Allie things like "Well, we knew this would happen if you married that boy" referring to his death. She tries to force Allie to date again. After Ry died, she took down a family photo in her house of Allie, Ry, and Ahava, and replaced it with one of just Allie and Ahava to be "accurate." Bullsh*t. I hate her. Hate. She's a terrible human being, and therefore, I wrote her the following letter (I should add I am posting this with Allie's permission):
To Allie's mother, Ahava's grandmother, and RY'S MOTHER-IN-LAW:
I am a good friend of your daughter's. She's one of my very favorite people on the planet, and I love her. I try to make sure I'm around so she has someone to talk to when life gets her down. I usually do a fairly good job... at least about as well as anyone can expect. In listening to her tell me of the unfairness of her life, she's told me many a story about you.
Let me start by saying I myself have CF. I'm a 22-year-old female named Emily. I understand not wanting your child to marry a CFer. I understand it very well. No one wants to see their child hurt, and obviously Allie hurts over losing Ry. But there's something I think it's about time you learn. Allie is a big girl. She can decide for herself. And while I understand even questioning a relationship with a CFer... Once she says "Well I know the reality, but I love him and we're getting married," then most decent people would accept that man as their son. It's not an ideal situation, but what Allie and Ry had was the kind of love you don't often see anymore. If Allie decided that loving Ry was worth losing him, then you should've let it be right there.
Ry wasn't able to run around with Ahava. Was he a bad father? Absolutely not. When Allie told me you said that, I was surprised. Ahava lost her daddy very young, and that's sad. But he didn't do that on purpose. And what other 4 year old gets to spend every day all day playing tea party with their Aba? He loved that child like no other, and he was a fabulous father to her. Even when he was so sick that walking from one room to the next made him short of breath, he played with her in any way he was able. He never faked anything, or used CF as an excuse. That, by the way, is incredibly offensive. You are not capable of making an intelligent statement about that until you live with CF yourself. From what I understand, he more often lied and said he was fine when he wasn't, than used CF as an excuse not to do something. He tried to avoid that as much as possible, because it's embarrassing for us. You actually go and accuse him of being an exaggerative faker, looking to use Allie for his own lazy agenda? Just shows how much you know. Did you know that a mere month or two before he died, Ry mustered up the energy and strength he had left to go to parent day at Ahava's school because she asked him to? No matter how hard and painful it was for him, and I promise you that it was, he made sure he was there. It mattered to Ahava, so it mattered to Ry. Oh and I positively love that you told him he was breathing too loud at his last big dinner with your family. That's just outright preposterous. I hope you know how juvenile and ridiculous that sounds. You think he did it on purpose? Or maybe that he enjoyed putting that much effort into breathing? Something I know that you take for granted. It's not as if he smoked himself to lung cancer. He never asked for CF. None of us do.
IF Allie decides she ever wants to date again, she will do it on her own time. And you know what? If she doesn't, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with loving her soul mate for the rest of her life and not settling for anything less. If she mourns Ry until the day she dies, she's allowed. I can't even imagine living through what she has, and how dare you try to tell her how to handle it? You have no idea what it's like, and should not be giving her advice when she's told you she doesn't want it.
I myself have been dating a guy named Mike for almost 3 years now. His family accepts and loves me, no questions asked. They got to know me, who I am, and based their opinions of me on that, not on my CF. They do talk to Mike about it, because we don't ignore reality. Mike's dad has talked to him about being financially responsible and making sure he has a job with really good medical insurance. They've discussed all sorts of things. But not once... ever, did they tell him to reconsider. They never even asked him to think twice about it. They know how he feels about me, and trusted him to decide for himself. You know what's funny about that? Mike and I started dating when he was only 17 years old, and his parents still trust that he made the right decision for himself at such a young age. Allie is much further into adulthood than Mike or myself, and you treat her like she's an idiot child who doesn't know how to make her own choices.
The thing that kills me is the way you spoke to Ry. Telling him he was a bad father, and "You know, Ahava won't remember you when you die. At least she can get attached when Allie remarries." How can you physically bring yourself to say those kinds of things to someone? I don't for the life of me understand it. It's heartless. The only thing Ry EVER tried to do was impress you, make you love and accept him. And he died knowing you hated him. He was your son-in-law. Some of the things you said to him or to Allie make me wish I could reach through my computer screen and punch you just a little bit. By the way, I think it's fantastic that Hannah broke your nose at Ry's funeral. You deserved it.
You should know, that by continually pissing Allie off, you're only alienating her. She thinks of Hannah as her mother far more than you. You ever notice that when you say something callous to her about Ry, she hangs up on you? And then when you call back, you notice how she doesn't answer? I think even a 6-year-old would get that hint. If you want to keep talking to your daughter, I suggest you shape up. Either that, or back off entirely and leave her alone.
The ONLY thing you cause her these days is pain and anger. Whenever you call, she comes to me to tell me the latest "listen to what my bitch mother had to say about my dead husband" story. I should think that, knowing how much Ry meant and still means to Allie, you would have not only the decency, but also the common sense, not to insult him.
I would say I'm sorry that you never liked your son-in-law, but I'm not. And I don't lie. So I'll just say this: It was never your decision. It was Allie's and Allie's alone. She was an adult and made the decision she wanted to. Yes, it caused and is still causing her tremendous amounts of pain. But it was worth it and she still says she wouldn't take it back. That's how strong their love is. And finally, I have to ask: If you hated him for causing her pain, why in the world are you adding to her pain now? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of your hating him?
Think of me what you will. Obviously I'm biased in this situation because I'm in the same spot that Ry was (only my in-laws actually treat me like a person). But that doesn't mean I tell you lies. I speak only the truth. And yes I'm only 22 years old, but given what I know of you... and how I've helped Allie vs. how you've hurt her, I think my advice is worth listening to.
By the way, my being 22 does not, contrary to popular adult opinion, mean I have no validity whatsoever in saying I have intelligence, knowledge, and life experience. I have lived with CF for 22 years, had 8 surgeries in total, including a hysterectomy at 18. I've been on meds and done treatments, doing enough rounds of IVs so that I stopped counting. I've been surrounded by doctors, hospitals, tests, and the whole medical world, since I was 2 days old, had my first surgery, and was diagnosed with CF. Don't you dare try to presume I am too naive to spread some insight.
Let me end by going back and relating to you. I have asked Mike numerous times if he was sure if he wanted to stay with me, knowing what was coming. I asked him to consider leaving, finding a healthy girl who can have his kids. Every single time, he gave me the same four answers. 1) I'd rather have as much time with you as possible, than none at all. 2) I'm a big boy, I can make my own decisions, and it insults me when you try to "decide what's best for me." It's condescending. 3) I love you. 4) Shut up.
Maybe you should try listening to him. He's only 20, but same as me, he's a pretty intelligent person, also fully capable of passing on some useful understanding to you. I might also add that he has been through more than most 20 year olds, signing up for a chronically ill wife at such a young age. Allie knew what she was doing, and she wanted any time with Ry she could get. She's a big girl, and whether it's him telling her to leave or you, she CAN choose for herself. She loves him. And you should shut up.
-Emily
22-year-old CF citizen of Connecticut