me too
Author: ryosukekoibito
Pairing: Hikato
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of sex
Genre: Angst/Romance
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone from J&A.
Summary: It was a talk Keito knew neither of them wanted to have.
A/N: So when I wrote this I knew there were two ways it could end. I wrote them both out, and I couldn't decide which was better, so you get them both! I've never tried something like this before, so please tell me what you think!
"Hikaru...can we talk about it?" Keito asked, feeling uncomfortable, but knowing that Hikaru felt even more so. The older man was much worse at expressing his emotions than Keito was, and Keito couldn't imagine how Hikaru was feeling, considering just how nauseated he was at that moment. Hikaru glanced over at him, his face mostly blank, the only thing giving away his discomfort a pained light in his eyes, but he nodded, his fingers stilling on the shoulder strap for his bass case as the last remnants of Inoo's chipper farewell floated in through the open door.
"It's just...it's been nearly two weeks. I just...I need to know if it meant anything to you." Keito could already feel the tears burning in his eyes, and it made him frustrated. He hated how easily he cried. Hated that it was his body's immediate response to any upheaval of emotions, good or bad. He wanted this conversation to be as painless as possible. Tears wouldn't help that.
"Keito...of course it did. It meant...it meant a lot." Hikaru murmured, but he wasn't looking at Keito's face, and something about his tone of voice made Keito feel like he was drowning.
"That's what I thought; you stayed for breakfast and kissed me goodbye and everything...but you've been avoiding me ever since and I just..." His voice was quivering, the words coming out watery, and he stopped, trying to pull himself together, feeling his cheeks flushed red. There was a moment of silence, and he took a deep breath, letting it out with a heavy sigh. "It seemed like you'd changed your mind." The silence that followed was sickeningly loud. Hikaru was fiddling with his fingers and the hem of his shirt, and looking down and away and not at Keito.
"I did."
"You decided you don't love me anymore?" Keito clarified, a tear rolling down his cheek. He was trying to be as logical as possible. To understand, without letting his own feelings get in the way. It was hard, considering he felt like the ground had just fallen out from under him. Finally, Hikaru looked at him, tears of his own bright in his eyes.
"Keito, it's not that, it's just too...risky. We work together. We see each other all the time. I don't want to put the group through anything straining. We're in such a good place right now."
"Anything straining? You mean if we were to break up?" Hikaru blushed, looking away again and nodding at his feet. Keito felt another tear escape down his cheek, his face hot. Damn it.
"I don't understand, Hikaru. If you didn't want to do anything that could put a strain on the group, why'd you kiss me? Why tell me you love me at all? You said it meant something to you, but you sleep with me once and then avoid me like the plague, and I can't help but feel like either you were lying, or you decided after the fact that I wasn't worth your time." Keito knew he was visibly upset now, but he was having a hard time caring. He'd loved Hikaru for too long for things to end this way. Hikaru was staying silent, still looking down at his feet, and it was starting to make Keito angry.
"I've loved you for years. I've stayed silent and kept my feelings to myself for years, because I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I didn't want you to avoid me. I tried putting the group before my feelings for you. I just...I need to know. What made you decide that I'm not worth being in a relationship with?" He was openly crying now, face burning, radiating heat, tears running down his cheeks, and he felt like a fool, but he couldn't stop. There was another long silence, Keito just standing still, waiting for Hikaru to speak.
"I...I'm afraid." He paused. "Afraid of fucking up." Keito let out a whine, and he could feel the last remnants of his self control slipping away. He grabbed his guitar case, slinging it over his shoulder, and he wiped at his eyes, taking deep shuddering breaths to try and get his voice under control.
"I love you. I was willing to fight for you. To try." He pushed past Hikaru, wanting to get out before he completely broke down. He was nearly to the door when Hikaru said
"I'm sorry." His voice was high with emotion, and Keito could hear the tears in his tone. He couldn't muster up the will to turn around, or to be the bigger man and console Hikaru, the shards of what could have been still digging into his chest. All he could find it in himself to do was to say
"Me too."
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"I love you. I am willing to fight for you. To try." He pushed past Hikaru, wanting to get out before he completely broke down. He was nearly to the door when Hikaru said
"I love you too." His voice was high with emotion, and Keito could hear the tears in his tone. He couldn't muster up the will to turn around, but he didn't want to leave, and he stopped, not truly ready to give up, knowing it was foolish and not able to change it. He was sniffling, and he wiped at his face, trying to steel himself for the worst, hoping that somehow this wouldn't be the end. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and instinctively he leaned in, curling in and finding Hikaru there, pressing himself into the older man's chest, the strap on his guitar case slipping off his shoulder.
"Will you let me love you, even though I am afraid?" Hikaru asked, voice weak. "I want to try. It's scary, but I want to try." He could feel Hikaru’s strong arms curl around him, and he felt another hot tear roll down his cheek, relief making him feel weak, and he murmured
"Me too."