(no subject)
Ever have that moment where you just wonder what your purpose is? No litterally - what the purpose of you is.
That's kinda what I'm going through right now... What am I supposed to be doing right now? I mean, of course I'm working, but... when I have free time, all I do is... nothing. I don't feel motivated to do anything in particular... I've even thought about it. Really, all I want to do is go online and read fanfics, and not even that at times. Sad, I know, but... I don't want to sleep (unless I'm literally falling asleep from exaustion), I don't want to read (whether it be novels or manga, english or japanese), I don't even want to do anything creative. I guess I did a lot today, I've gotten pretty far on preparing my racquet to be painted and finished combing out one of Ivanhoe's wigs (taking out about half of the fibers in the process... it is so thin now! and the ends are so frizzed and frayed... it makes me sad ;.;), but really, how productive is that? What should I be doing with my life right now? I'm so confused... I guess this all hit me when I was in my room, knowing I should be going to bed, and thinking of what to read... I looked at all my manga, they didn't really sound interesting, so I looked at my shelf of novels... and nothing looked good there, either. Here I am, a "proud reader," and I don't even read! *sigh* You know, you used to NEVER see me without a book. If I went ANYWHERE, I had my book with me. Now, I don't. And I don't know why. And it bothers me.
It might have something to do with friends... In middle school, I started off with books as being my friends. Then, I got people-friends, started hanging out with them all the time, and stopped reading. But now, I don't see those people-friends much anymore, and I... It's like I've forgotten how to read. Or maybe I'm scared to, because I long for the fantasy world so much, and it hurts when a book ends...
I don't even know why this upsets me so much. I mean, people change. Interests change. Although, I never wanted to fall out of love with reading.... It's quite depressing. I'm sure I still do, but all i've read for the past.. year, it seems, has been manga and fanfics. ?? what's up with that? What happened to Mercedes Lackey, Harry Potter, LotR, and all the other misc. sci-fi and fantasy stuff I used to spend hours a day poring over? What's happened to me...?
But what's really started to worry me, is that I've almost started to lose interest in the whole cosplay thing. You know obsessed I used to be? well, I think that after today, with the whole painting-of-the-racquet process, I've started to regret the whole thing, kinda... I wish I weren't such a perfectionist.... My sister and parents are suggesting things that just seem unreasonable to me because it wouldn't be "perfect" were I to do it that way. Even though it would make a whole lot of things easier...
I just make me sad sometimes...
That's kinda what I'm going through right now... What am I supposed to be doing right now? I mean, of course I'm working, but... when I have free time, all I do is... nothing. I don't feel motivated to do anything in particular... I've even thought about it. Really, all I want to do is go online and read fanfics, and not even that at times. Sad, I know, but... I don't want to sleep (unless I'm literally falling asleep from exaustion), I don't want to read (whether it be novels or manga, english or japanese), I don't even want to do anything creative. I guess I did a lot today, I've gotten pretty far on preparing my racquet to be painted and finished combing out one of Ivanhoe's wigs (taking out about half of the fibers in the process... it is so thin now! and the ends are so frizzed and frayed... it makes me sad ;.;), but really, how productive is that? What should I be doing with my life right now? I'm so confused... I guess this all hit me when I was in my room, knowing I should be going to bed, and thinking of what to read... I looked at all my manga, they didn't really sound interesting, so I looked at my shelf of novels... and nothing looked good there, either. Here I am, a "proud reader," and I don't even read! *sigh* You know, you used to NEVER see me without a book. If I went ANYWHERE, I had my book with me. Now, I don't. And I don't know why. And it bothers me.
It might have something to do with friends... In middle school, I started off with books as being my friends. Then, I got people-friends, started hanging out with them all the time, and stopped reading. But now, I don't see those people-friends much anymore, and I... It's like I've forgotten how to read. Or maybe I'm scared to, because I long for the fantasy world so much, and it hurts when a book ends...
I don't even know why this upsets me so much. I mean, people change. Interests change. Although, I never wanted to fall out of love with reading.... It's quite depressing. I'm sure I still do, but all i've read for the past.. year, it seems, has been manga and fanfics. ?? what's up with that? What happened to Mercedes Lackey, Harry Potter, LotR, and all the other misc. sci-fi and fantasy stuff I used to spend hours a day poring over? What's happened to me...?
But what's really started to worry me, is that I've almost started to lose interest in the whole cosplay thing. You know obsessed I used to be? well, I think that after today, with the whole painting-of-the-racquet process, I've started to regret the whole thing, kinda... I wish I weren't such a perfectionist.... My sister and parents are suggesting things that just seem unreasonable to me because it wouldn't be "perfect" were I to do it that way. Even though it would make a whole lot of things easier...
I just make me sad sometimes...