(no subject)
It's funny how my mind works.
Sort of.
I managed to cut Brian so completely from my life and thoughts that it was an unpleasant shock for a while to even hear his name mentioned. It was like I built a wall between his reality and mine and severed him totally. Now I'm finding the cost of maintaining that wall is quite high, and I'm allowing little chinks to appear. I don't get as upset when one of the kids mentions him or that he's been emailing them. I do get a bit miffed when he gets a bit too involved, but there isn't much I can do about that.
Even when I woke up this morning from a totally inappropriate and highly sexual dream about him, it didn't faze me...much. Though I did enjoy biting him a bit too much. :P
I'm finding a similar pattern with my church involvement. While I've decided that I want nothing to do with being Mormon anymore, I've found that maintaining that wall is very expensive in terms of emotional drain and family relationships. Is it SO bad, really? No...pernicious, yes. Annoying at times, yes. Persistent, oh my gods, yes. But bad, as in evil, no. No more than Catholicism or any other religion.
I'm trying to find a better, more healthy way of looking at it, rather than automatically calling out the army and slamming shut the portcullis. All that personnel costs, you know, and they eat like, well, an army. The midden is poisoning the groundwater, you know?
I'm not out to de-program my family. Mo-ism hasn't done them real damage, and it's an impossible task anyway. I have other projects I need to expend my energy on.
Part of the reason for this is I was trying to think of what to put in this little scrapbook I'm doing for my parents, and all I could think of was the darkest bits of my childhood. I know there was some good in there somewhere - neither my sister nor I are serial killers, so SOMETHING went right - but I couldn't bring it to mind. For some reason, I have a fear that others who are coming to this party will only pick up on the ickiness that I look back and see sometimes. I know part of that perception is the depression. Just knowing that helps immensely. But I'm still having trouble finding the good bits.
Can I nod at my Mormon heritage without necessarily "honoring" it? Can I accept it as a part of my past without participating in it anymore?
Maybe it's time to call my sister and have a nice, long talk.
Sort of.
I managed to cut Brian so completely from my life and thoughts that it was an unpleasant shock for a while to even hear his name mentioned. It was like I built a wall between his reality and mine and severed him totally. Now I'm finding the cost of maintaining that wall is quite high, and I'm allowing little chinks to appear. I don't get as upset when one of the kids mentions him or that he's been emailing them. I do get a bit miffed when he gets a bit too involved, but there isn't much I can do about that.
Even when I woke up this morning from a totally inappropriate and highly sexual dream about him, it didn't faze me...much. Though I did enjoy biting him a bit too much. :P
I'm finding a similar pattern with my church involvement. While I've decided that I want nothing to do with being Mormon anymore, I've found that maintaining that wall is very expensive in terms of emotional drain and family relationships. Is it SO bad, really? No...pernicious, yes. Annoying at times, yes. Persistent, oh my gods, yes. But bad, as in evil, no. No more than Catholicism or any other religion.
I'm trying to find a better, more healthy way of looking at it, rather than automatically calling out the army and slamming shut the portcullis. All that personnel costs, you know, and they eat like, well, an army. The midden is poisoning the groundwater, you know?
I'm not out to de-program my family. Mo-ism hasn't done them real damage, and it's an impossible task anyway. I have other projects I need to expend my energy on.
Part of the reason for this is I was trying to think of what to put in this little scrapbook I'm doing for my parents, and all I could think of was the darkest bits of my childhood. I know there was some good in there somewhere - neither my sister nor I are serial killers, so SOMETHING went right - but I couldn't bring it to mind. For some reason, I have a fear that others who are coming to this party will only pick up on the ickiness that I look back and see sometimes. I know part of that perception is the depression. Just knowing that helps immensely. But I'm still having trouble finding the good bits.
Can I nod at my Mormon heritage without necessarily "honoring" it? Can I accept it as a part of my past without participating in it anymore?
Maybe it's time to call my sister and have a nice, long talk.